Listening, Dreaming, Listening, Running
Harry and Remus strode down the foot path side by side, silent in their own thoughts. Harry didn't feel like talking but he knew that Remus' questions would come soon and Harry would just have to deal with them.
"Harry" Remus spoke. Here we go thought Harry. "Harry did you really want to kill yourself?" Remus' voice was filled with emotion and Harry couldn't bear to look at him.
Instead he kept his head down and said "I didn't kill myself Remus. I don't know exactly how it happened. But I think Voldemort took over my… my body and made me do it." He stumbled over the words and when he finished he cast a quick glance at Remus.
Remus was looking fixedly forward. There was a troubled look on his face.
"Harry are you denying the fact that you put a knife to your wrist and cut with the thought in mind to kill yourself to not seem so weak or are you telling the truth because Harry you can't lie about this. This is too serious and if…if you did want to die then…then I want to help you."
Remus spoke quickly and nervously. Harry had never heard him like this but it wasn't like he knew Remus very well. It wasn't like he had known Sirius very well.
Harry took a deep breathe and said so quietly that Remus had to bend in to hear him. "Remus, do you think that my father would have killed himself?"
Remus took a sharp intake of breathe and turned his head to stare at Harry. "Why do you ask that Harry?"
"I don't know. Probably because everyone seems to think we are the same or something." Harry dodged Remus' searching eyes instead staring transfixed at the pavement.
"Harry you and your father are extremely different."
"Sirius didn't seem to think so," Harry said with a snap and then immediately apologized. "I'm sorry Remus that was wrong of me."
"No, no Harry I understand," a pause. "Sirius was always pointing out the difference between you and your father to me. I just didn't think it affected you so."
"No, no it doesn't. Well actually it did kind of. I mean I didn't exactly get to meet him and what I saw in the pensieve wasn't exactly um… nice. I just don't like to be compared by anyone I guess." Harry's eyes finally meet Remus'.
"Come on Harry it's this way." Remus said with a slight smile on his face. "And just so you know your father wouldn't have killed himself and I don't think you would have either."
They both turned the corner and followed the path.
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After a couple more blocks and running the last street because of the rain they entered Remus' house soaking wet and gasping for breath.
"God I need to get fit," Remus panted as he took Harry's anorak for him and hung it up.
Harry stared around the house curiously. They were standing in a hallway that led into a sitting room through a big open space in the wall to the left.
From the living room you could get into the kitchen and Harry followed Remus through to it. It wasn't as dark as Sirius' house but was more open and light through the rain poured in from outside.
Everything was quite old fashioned but shiny. In the warm kitchen a table stood that seated four and from the kitchen there was a door leading into the sitting room.
Harry wandered into the sitting room and looked around. There were a few moving pictures of Lily, James and Sirius sitting on the gigantic but completely filled bookshelf and on cupboards holding wizard games.
The sofas were extremely comfortable and marshmellowy Harry found as he sat back on them. But what caught Harry's eye was the painting above the fire that was burning brightly.
The painting was beautiful and brought tears to Harry's eyes. It had a dark blue background with stars twinkling in it. And in each corner of the painting there was a symbol. In one was a red lily with a stalk that somehow reminded Harry of his eyes.
In the opposite corner to the lily there was a proud looking stag watching him. In the corner below the stag a big black dog sat staring at him with a happy look on its face.
In the corner below the Lily stood a wolf howling at the moon that was painted in the middle of them all.
The true Marauder's were looking down at Harry and Harry didn't think he could breathe. His eyes were filling up with emotion, a lump in his throat was forming and Harry's heart was being squeezed so tightly he couldn't move.
"Do you like it?" Asked Remus worriedly from where he leant up against the door frame.
Harry nodded vigorously not trusting his voice.
Remus sensed this and said quietly "Come on I'll show you your room."
Harry followed Remus through the kitchen and up a pair of stairs he hadn't noticed before into a tiny hall. Three doors led of from it and Remus led Harry through the one further from the stairs.
The room was small and not as a big as his one at the Dursleys and was cluttered probably Remus' junk and unneeded things.
Under the clutter Harry could just see a single bed and beside it a chest of draws. A wooden wardrobe stood in the corner its doors flung open and more junk filled it up.
"Um sorry it's kind of messy. I'll just clean it up." Remus said before waving his wand and muttering something that Harry couldn't hear.
The mess instantly vanished and Harry was able to see the room properly. The bed had red covers and pillows; on the chest of draws beside it was a candle stick that was actually flickering.
"Harry I just thought you should know that this was going to be Sirius' room when he wanted to get out of the Black house. But don't worry," Remus added at Harry's wild stare. "Sirius never got a chance to stay here."
Harry nodded before sitting down on the soft bed. He didn't think he could stand anymore reminders of Sirius but he could take this one.
"I'll leave you to unpack then." Remus said noticing Harry's need for silence. Harry nodded again and noticed that his suitcase was lying at the bottom of the open wardrobe.
Remus closed the door behind him and Harry immediately felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes but instead of stopping them he left them to roll down his face and onto his black t-shirt.
Harry lay down sinking into the soft pillow and tried not to think about Sirius, this house, the prophecy and the tears that would never stop.
Harry fell asleep with tears still on his face not knowing that Remus had slid down his door tears also on his face thinking about the same things.
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Harry stared up at the moon from his bedroom. His eyes glazed over from tears and memories. Memories of his first and last Christmas with Sirius. Of the happiness that had changed Harry and the Black Manor all radiating from Sirius.
Harry had never experienced a parent's love first hand and Sirius had been the closest thing that he had ever to that. Even if Sirius could be a big kid at times, he was always protective of Harry and sought only Harry's happiness and health. He had no one else for that except maybe Remus.
Now everyone wanted to throw him back in danger. Or at least that's what it felt like. The stupid Prophecy that just seem to haunt his every step and the deaths that followed him everywhere. In his mind the voices, faces and memories of those that had died because of him never left him alone. To Harry it was his punishment.
Harry tried to ignore the familiar headache that was raging on in his head but soon he was forced to pop a pill in his mouth and swallow.
The headaches had started not soon after Sirius dies, in fact only minutes after Voldemort had taken over his body in the Ministry of Magic. At first he had ignored them but soon they had grown stronger until after a week at the Dursleys he had taken a trip down to the pharmacy and stolen the strongest headache medicine they had.
It didn't stop the headaches that soon became raging migraines, but at least it dulled the pain enough for him to venture from the dark of his bedroom to the garden outside where the Dursleys made him work.
But now Harry was running out of the pills and soon he would have to hide in his room where darkness waited with memories. His punishment along with other things that Harry had never told anyone and never would.
Harry stood up slowly and winced. The pills hadn't quite entered his system and the slightest movement sent stabbing pains to his head. He slowly made his way down to Remus' kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He winced again as these actions reminded him of the night he was made to kill himself.
Another form of punishment although Harry had to agree with whoever made him do it. He should have died. It would have been better then seeing all these people believe he did try suicide only to survive.
"Harry, what are you doing up?" Harry jumped at the sound of Remus' voice and turned to fast to see him.
He jerked his head in pain and tried to hide it but Remus saw.
"Harry are you okay? You look like a ghost you're so pale." Remus stepped towards him concerned.
"I'm fine." Harry said through clenched teeth even though his migraine was growing. Knifes felt like they were twisting around in his head and he was reminded of when Voldemort had controlled him in the Ministry of Magic. The pain was just as powerful.
"Look Harry you really..." Remus was cut off as Harry collapsed to his knees.
Harry was seeing double now and both of the Remus' were swaying violently. Harry blinked twice and then suddenly screamed.
The lights had been turned on and it was all too much pain for Harry to take. He fell and before his head reached the ground he was out with a violent fever wakening upon his body.
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Harry sighed as he realized where he was. Of course, it always began here, the graveyard of his nightmares. And this was just another one. Another nightmare to add to his ever growing pain.
But this time he wasn't tied to a grave stone nor was there purple mist swarming around him. The place seemed to be in its most peaceful manner for a home of the dead.
Harry stood for a few minutes working up the courage to venture forth into this far to real world. Finally he took a step forward and another until he was striding past gravestones and searching for his reason to be there.
As he walked he had the funny feeling that someone was watching him and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He twisted around and peered into the darkness that he had left behind to see...
nothing.
"Well of course," he muttered to himself. "It wouldn't be scary enough later on if you saw something straight away."
He sighed once again and carried on although he turned around every few minutes to check only to see the same darkness.
Harry felt like he had been walking for hours when he first thought he saw something. And this wasn't just a figment of his imagination. Just as he turned around something to close and invisible swished past him making him shiver and turn in a full circle for fear.
But again and again these invisible demons washed past scaring Harry further then he had ever felt at the hands of Voldemort.
Suddenly something touched his back and Harry, without a hint of curiosity and far too much fear, ran.
He pounded the ground with his feet and skidded past rows of gravestones and twisted and turned here and there. What sounded like millions of feet ran after him, chasing him until Harry was more lost then he had been before.
Harry swore that no graveyard could be this big no matter how many circles he may have walked or ran in he should at least have seen the way out.
But only darkness existed meters in front of him and until he got closer did he see what was there.
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The pain was almost unbearable and Harry silently prayed that he would soon fall unconscious even if it meant back to being chased by god knows what.
Harry tried to open his eyes and see where he was as he did so sound came back into the scene and the pain flared intensely. He whimpered and burrowed his head under the pillow so darkness could soften his pounding head.
"Harry." Remus was speaking to him. "Harry say something." His voice was panicked and scared.
"No light and no sound." Harry managed to croak out from under the pillow.
Everybody must have heard because whoever was had been there disappeared instantly and the sound disappeared.
"Harry," Remus whispered in his ear and placing a hand on his back. "It's just Dumbledore and I now. It's pitch black out here so you'll be okay."
Harry slowly and carefully turned over and lay his on his back. He couldn't even see Remus or Dumbledore though he could feel a hand on his shoulder which he suspected was Remus. Nobody spoke and Harry contended himself with concentrating on the pain and minimizing it.
"Where am I?" Harry finally asked and kept his voice to a whisper.
"You're in your room." Remus answered his voice barely heard.
Somebody leant forward in a chair at the front of the bed and Harry knew it was Dumbledore.
"Harry what just happened?" He asked and before Harry could answer Dumbledore spoke again. "Madam Pomfrey tried locating the source of your pain but was blocked out by a shield."
Harry was surprised at this new information and wondered who cast it. His first thought was of Voldemort. But then if he was casting shields over him he was also probably causing the migraines.
Then Harry caught something that he hadn't thought of before and wondered how stupid he had been to not think of it in the first place. If Voldemort could control his body then he could do it again and this time he would make him hurt someone else. Like Remus, or anyone in the Order. He could be looking out of Harry right now and seeing what Harry was seeing.
This had been what Harry had thought last year after the attack on Mr. Weasley but Dumbledore had foreseen his train of thought had stopped Harry from running. This time though, it was far more serious and dangerous. He had to get out before Voldemort struck again.
Harry kept these thoughts to himself as Dumbledore questioned him on the collapse. Harry answered all the questions truthfully as possible but without this strange dream, instead passing it off as a normal nightmare that any sixteen year old kid would have with his experiences.
The interrogation finally finished and Harry was left to some peace if thoughts of escape were considered peace.
He could tell from now on he was going to be watched closely so any escape was to be pulled off soon before everyone got over their initial shock, if there was any. He had the feeling that everyone was accepting the fact that anything could happen around "the boy who lived."
It was just Remus and him in the room now. Harry's migraine was slowly receding and after some silence it disappeared. Harry was grateful that he didn't have to use his diminishing pills to put a stop to the pain.
"Harry how long has this been going on?" Remus asked him and Harry knew he was talking about the migraines.
Harry decided to be truthful and told him it had been since the attack at the Ministry. "But they only started getting this bad last week while I was at the Dursleys." He told him as well.
Remus didn't look very happy at this response and proceeded to tell Harry so. "Harry you could have told us." He whispered, his voice strained.
"You know Dumbledore wants you to report anything strange or unusual and this is clearly one of them. You don't just suddenly get migraines."
Harry was infuriated by this and shoved it right back into Remus' face. "And how am I supposed to do that!" He shouted not caring that the headache might come back.
"With my owl that the Dursleys took off me. Or maybe I could have sent you a postcard if I knew where you lived. Or wherever anyone else lived for that matter!" Harry hadn't been this angry since the night of Sirius' death and it was almost a nice change from depression.
"I have been stuck at the Dursleys' every single summer, Remus, with hardly any connection to the wizard world and nobody to talk to. Plus on top of all that somebody takes over my body, Voldemort being the highest candidate, and makes me try to kill myself and nobody believes me. Let's see you live with that."
Once Harry's angry raving had stopped he suddenly realized he had climbed out of bed and was standing over Remus who sat in his chair looking, from what Harry could tell, ashamed but still managing to look him in the eye.
Harry climbed back into his bed, lay facing opposite Remus and pulled the sheets over him.
"Harry..." Remus started but Harry cut in.
"I'm going to sleep."
And with that silence filled the room as Remus left to answer the questions of over hearers outside.
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As Harry pretended to sleep in his room while actually packing his bag to leave, Remus slowly made his way downstairs thinking over what Harry had said. Or rather shouted.
It was true, all of what Harry had said except the bit where Harry tried to deny killing himself.
Remus was still torn over this. After talking to Harry earlier when they had walked here Remus had been convinced that Harry didn't try to kill himself.
But remembering the panic he had felt when he first heard Harry was injured and then to go to the Dursleys and see Harry strewn on the kitchen floor, a knife next to him, wrists cut, blood everywhere, a pale, hardly breathing Harry. It was a parent's worst nightmare. Even if he wasn't a parent.
He would never forget that night and just remembering it brought back doubts that Harry could never talk over.
"Remus!" Molly's shout brought Remus out of his thoughts with a start.
Molly was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for him since she and the rest of the Order, who were there, had been kicked out.
Remus smiled gratefully at her. She was the mother Harry never had and the closest person to one.
"How is he?" She asked instantly.
"He's fine Molly, just sleeping so don't go up and annoy him." He added the last bit just as she started up the stairs. He could tell Harry wouldn't be in the mode for a fussing over or someone who would lecture him.
"Good, good." Molly reassured herself and they joined the other members of the Order for a emergency meeting. Not all of the Order was there, just the members who were close to Harry or offering their services to him, such as Madam Pomfrey.
"Well it seems we have a problem at hand that is not Voldemort or the Ministry." Dumbledore stated to the other members who all nodded in agreement.
"As you all know," he carried on. "Two days ago we found Harry at his uncle's house almost dead, from cut wrists." Nobody gasped and all were accepting which made Remus grateful. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Tonk's watching him and tried to ignore her though his heart missed a beat.
"As soon as Harry awoke he was opposed to this opinion but, as you also all know, he had every reason to want to die after what happened at the Ministry. I bring you all here tonight because you are close to Harry and have every right to put in your opinion to how we should help Harry. What do you think we should do?"
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Unknown to everyone downstairs, Harry was sitting at his desk finishing off a letter to Remus and Ron and Hermione. It read in there that he was okay and had to get away for a while. It also asked them to believe that he would never kill himself no matter how bad things got.
It said all the things Harry repeated to himself and to others but what nobody would believe.
Harry signed off the letters simply with his name and stood up. He grabbed his rucksack, full of all the things he would need, and his broom to make a quick getaway.
Quickly and quietly he opened his bedroom door and walked into the landing. The day before Remus had showed him a back staircase that would take him to the back door. This was how Harry would get past everyone.
He trotted down the stairs and stepped outside. It was a clear night with not a spot of clouds unlike that morning had been. Harry swung his leg over the broom and prepared to kick off.
He took one look back and then soared into the night sky.
He was a runaway boy now with no place called home.
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Thank you so much for all the reviews and I just want to say how SORRY I am for not writing sooner. Over the last few months I have been seriously thinking about what I'm doing with this story and I'm still not sure. But I thought you guys deserved another post so here it is. Hope you LOVE it!
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