Author's Note: Thanks again for the reviews. I hope you enjoy.

Trusting Desire
Chapter Five – A Leap Begins
Roger's POV

Grinning nervously at the three other guys in front of me, I stoop to pull my guitar out of its case. My fingers pass over the picture of Mimi I taped to the cover and I bite my lip. I'm being stupid. It's been too long, I'll never be able to pull off this audition.

I plug into the amp they've set out and double check the tuning I perfected before I left the loft. I fiddle with G for a minute, feeling the sweat gathering on the back of my neck and starting to panic.

"So, uh, yeah. This is uh, uh, a song that I wrote in my ol-old band."

A wonderful time to develop a stutter, certainly.

I start to play, concentrating on keeping my fingers steady, I can feel them shaking. My voice sounds tired when I start to sing, not at all how I'd want a first impression to go. Convinced my range won't handle the end of the song too well today, I take it down a third. It sounds wrong and I see them staring at me. In tune, but just wrong. I feel their eyes boring into me when I look down at my guitar to check a fingering I should know by heart. My fingers slip more than once and then I drop my guitar pick. One of them rolls his eyes.

"Forget it man, we don't have time for this."

And then I'm packing up and leaving, hurrying away with my last shred of dignity. My eyes fall on the picture of Mimi and I frown. I really wanted her to see me play with a band again. I should have practiced more. No, actually, I should never have taken nearly a year off of playing guitar in the first place. Or maybe I'm just not as great as I always thought I was.

I shiver involuntarily. It's starting to get cold these days. I shove my free hand in my pocket. I should have known. It was stupid to try something like this. So stupid. Fucking stupid.

I really don't want to go back to the loft yet. I told Mark and Mimi about the audition in the morning and they were both so excited. And now I have to go back and say I fucked it up because I really just suck at playing guitar and have completely lost my performance confidence. I stand outside of the building for a few minutes. Maybe an hour, I lose track of time. I know I probably really shouldn't be standing outside in the cold; I did just get over being sick. Thinking about it that way, I decide to do something intelligent today and go inside. It's not much warmer, but there are blankets and other people up there. I groan under my breath when I start to climb the stairs. I really don't want to do this. I don't want to see them and tell them how I failed.

"Hey!" Mark yells when he hears the door open. I send him a silent thanks when he doesn't question me. Years of friendship, he knows when not to say a word. Mimi looks up from the couch, a delighted playful little smile forming. I try to return it and fail. She scrambles off of the couch and comes over to me. She reaches down and takes my guitar case from me and sets it down before getting up on her toes and wrapping her arms around my neck. I hug her back, burying my face in her hair and listening to her coo into my ear. Hearing her light feminine voice in my head calms my shaking nerves.

"Poor baby." She says. "We know how much you wanted that."

Mark has been watching me closely, I can tell, try to judge whether or not he should get involved. To my relief he decides it's safe and stands up to join us. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I release Mimi, keeping one arm around her, both of hers armslocked around my waist.

"What happened?" He asks me cautiously.

I shrug and toe the floor. "I fucked up."

"You just got nervous." Mark decides for me.

"No, it was more than that." I frown, fumbling for words. "I was terrible."

"It was just nerves." Mark says firmly. Mimi squeezes my side. I try to smile down at her but end up with something that looks more like a disapproving grimace. Her face falls. For the first time in a long time she's failed to cheer me up and it hurts her as much as me.

"Hey," Mark ventures carefully. "I found something for you, if you want to see it."

I just stare at him and he takes this as a 'yes' and goes off to set up his projector. Mimi drags me over to the couch and pushes me down on one side before climbing into my lap. She drapes herself over me like a little cat,pressing light kisses on the side of my face.

"You smell." I whisper to her and she grins at me.

"Fatty." She shoots back, with a poke to my stomach. I make a feeble attempt at a smile that she kisses as Mark crowds in next to us. Mimi pulls the blanket out from under him and wraps it around all three of us.

"What is this?" She asks Mark.

He smiles nervously. "It's one of Roger's performances with his old band."

I look up at the film and sure enough, Rock Star Roger grins back at me. He looks so young, it makes me feel ancient and for a moment I'm resentful of Mark for thinking I'd want to see this. I watch for a few more minutes and then recognition hits.

"Hey… is this?"

Mark grins. "Yeah. Remember how we thought that footage was lost forever? I found it. Severely mislabeled."

"As what?"

He blushes. "Don't even ask."

Mimi giggles at his expressionand I kiss her neck and wink at him. "Probably the embarrassing sexual adventures of Marky and Moo."

"Who's Moo?" Mimi asks.

"Roger." Mark warns me, frowning slightly.

"Well, back in the day…"

"When you were an asshole." Mark scowls at me.

I grin slightly, my mood slowly recovering. "Maureen tried this crazy all dairy diet. And she got kind of fat."

"She did not get fat." Mark says.

"Pudgy, then. And besides, she was the one who started going around whining that she was fat."

"And so like the asshole he was, he started calling her Moo instead of Mo."

"No one calls Maureen, 'Mo'." Mimi says.

"Well, that's kind of why…" I tell her. She pinches me.

"Roger, you're terrible."

I frown again. Terrible at being a musician. I lose myself back in my angst. Mark sees this and sighs.

"Roger, you're not a terrible musician. Look at you." He gestures to the film. "That was the night you got offered those auditions for the record companies. They wouldn't be after just anyone."

Mimi looks up at me and I smile feebly. "Yeah…"

"Did he tell you that, Mimi?" Mark asks her. "He was going to be a big rock star. All these people wanted him and his band on their label."

"No…" She says softly. "Why didn't you tell me? That's amazing." She's beaming at me, proud and obviously thrilled.

"Yeah, I guess." I mutter. "I fucked it up."

"You didn't fuck…" Mark frowns. "Okay, well you did fuck it up, I guess."

"Thanks buddy."

He nudges me. "Don't you want to get that back, Rog? You could, you know. I don't know why you're being so down on yourself."

I shrug. "I'm just going to die anyway."

"Well what are you going to do until then?" Mimi's fingers are in my hair, her voice warm against my neck.

Rock Star Roger laughs onstage and grins straight into the camera. A girl shrieks loudly and Mark and I both laugh.

"April." I explain to Mimi. She smiles gently, moving closer and holding me tighter. Claiming me as hers now, which I don't mind at all. The camera moves over to a blonde girl in a short dress for a brief moment. She opens her mouth wide and screams at the camera before Mark laughs and turns the camera back to the stage. Rock Star Roger is making me nauseous, I can't watch this cocky bastard gyrate and grin and look so fucking alive anymore. It makes me think too much of all the time I've lost and the time I'll never have. It was barely two weeks after this performance that my addiction was out of control and my band got pretentious and kicked me out. Followed by six months of living like a junkie with April and then she was dead and I was as good as gone with her. My band broke up, no one was interested in them without me and their replacement was shit.

I had really fucked up. The old scars suddenly burn on my arms and I just want to hold Mimi tighter and move closer to Mark. I don't really want to be Rock Star Roger again. I do want to live again though. I want to feel the way I felt before heroin. Before even April. My mind is suddenly back in high school and me and Mark living on pure adrenaline when we first moved to the city. I was so fucking invincible, and even if I wasn't, I was too young to care.

I watch the rest of the performance with them in silence. Mimi falls asleep on my lap, her head nestled in my shoulder, little fingers wrapped tightly around the fabric of my shirt. When the film runs out Mark moves to turn the projector off and I grab his arm without thinking. He pauses and looks back at me, questioning.

Not sure how to say what I need to I just shrug. He nods and goes to the projector. I pick Mimi up and carry her to our bed, building a nest for her out of the thin blankets and then returning to the main room of the loft. I pull myself up on the table and watch Mark gather his film and put his projector away. I smile to myself. He walks past me and starts to make himself tea.

"Caffeine? It's really late."

He shrugs. "With you two in the next room I can't sleep anyway. Does it matter?"

I slide off of the table and punch him lightly in the shoulder, leaning against the wall near him. He smiles sadly at me.

"Thanks, Mark."

He nods. We sort of stare at each other for a minute and then I lean over and wrap one arm around his shoulders and hug him. He returns it and then we break apart with a mutual grin.

"We'll try to keep it down."

He shakes his head with a wry smile."Don't let me spoil your fun."