Chapter Ten
Alex was in the kitchen with Sam, both having breakfast. Alex was reading a letter that he had received and Sam was silently watching him, lost in her own thoughts. She couldn't get the argument she had had with Alex out of her mind. He had been very upset over Luka, he obviously hadn't forgiven him for hitting his dad, and he couldn't understand why she would want to stay with him. She hadn't realised just how badly he had been affected by his father's last visit. He had said some pretty harsh things to her, and she had ended up crying herself to asleep, something that she had been doing way too much recently.
Alex folded up the letter when he was finished reading it and shoved it into his pocket. He felt bad for how he had treated his mom the night before. He had just been so annoyed when he saw her with Luka that he took it all out on her. He knew he had to apologise but he was finding it tough to find the exact words.
"I'm sorry," it was no award winning apology, but he felt it was a good start.
"For what exactly?" Sam asked. She had expected Alex to refuse to speak to her for a few days. This sudden apology was very out of character for him.
"For what I said to you last night." He answered, "I didn't mean it, I don't think you're a slut. And I don't think you're a bad mother."
Sam smiled weakly at her son.
"Thanks, its okay to feel annoyed with Luka. Maybe you could talk to him about it?"
"Couldn't we just forget him and cut him out of our lives?" He asked.
"We can't just forget him; I'm going to give birth to his baby. I can't just shove him aside."
"That never stopped you from running away from dad." Alex mumbled.
"Things with your dad were different."
"How were they different?"
"Look, Alex . . . they just were okay? I really don't want to talk about this." Sam pushed back the tears threatening to fall. She really didn't want to have to tell Alex just what his dad was really like.
"Do you still love him?"
"Luka?"
"No, do you still love dad?" Alex knew that his mother didn't want to talk about it but he had to know.
Sam didn't answer her son, she just sighed.
"Did you ever love dad?"
"Yes," she said finally, "I loved him very much, but you know what your dad is like, he never kept his promises."
Alex didn't need his mother to answer his question now, he could tell from the answer she had just given that she did still love his dad. She just wasn't going to admit it. If he could just get his dad to come back and offer to stay with her, he knew that they would all be together again.
Sam felt like she was trapped in a corner, it was too late to turn back time and give Alex the life he deserved. The life where he would have the great dad who was always there for him, and they'd live in lovely house in the suburbs. Alex deserved so much more than she could give him. And now she was having another child, another child that she would probably end up raising on her own. Another child to whom she wouldn't be able to provide a proper life.
She sank back in the kitchen chair. She really hadn't wanted to screw up another child's life, and that's what she felt she was going to end up doing.
Alex, noticing that his mother looked really sad went over to her and hugged her really tight.
"I really am sorry for last night," he said, "I love you, and I think you're a great mom. I was just angry last night, I didn't mean it."
That forced a smile from Sam and she held Alex to her, kissing him on the head. Maybe she hadn't screwed him up too much. She'd do anything for him, and the baby, anything.
"So I hear Luka knocked you up," Frank said to Sam when she went over to admit.
"Yes Frank, he did, knock me up as you so adequately put it." Sam answered him not really shocked by his statement. Sure it was her first day back, but this was Frank and he was not one for joining a welcoming party.
"Is he going to make an honest woman of you?" This time the question was from Jerry.
"No, he is not." She said slightly irritated at having to answer questions on this already, she was only just after walking in the door.
"Jerry, keep up, she's moved out of Luka's. They're not together anymore." Sam wasn't sure how Morris had gotten that piece of information, but she was ready to kill him for spreading it around. Especially since he was spreading it right in front of her.
As if Morris could tell how Sam was feeling he was gone before she could even begin to think of retaliating.
"That Luka should learn some responsibility." Frank said shaking his head.
Sam couldn't stand there and listen to any more; her conversation with Alex that morning had been enough judgement for one day. She walked away and Jerry followed her.
"Hey," he said, "I didn't know you had moved out. I never would have said anything if I'd known."
"It's okay; I just don't feel like listening to Frank right now." She said and she flashed him a brief smile.
"I never want to listen to Frank, but we work together so it's hard to keep away from him."
Sam laughed, she understood that feeling, Frank could be a bit overbearing at times. Not as irritating as Morris though.
"So, I hear you're having a girl?" he made it a question.
"You heard right," she answered.
"Congratulations!" he added, "and just ignore Frank and Morris. If they bug you too much, you just tell me, I'll sort them out."
"Thanks Jerry." It was nice to see someone cared, she had always liked Jerry.
Jerry smiled at her and went back to admit. Sam ran her hand through her hair and headed towards the doctor's lounge. She was definitely going to need coffee if she was going to survive the rest of the day. Of course being pregnant she would have to have decaf, but desperate times . . .
She walked into the lounge and was about to walk right back out when she saw who was in there but Luka had already seen her and said hello. She couldn't leave now; she really wished she could have had real coffee.
Sam went over and poured herself a cup, she could feel Luka moving over to stand beside her and she felt his hand on the small of her back.
"How's Alex?" he asked.
She turned her head so she was looking at him, "He seemed better this morning. He apologised for last night, that's good."
"Good, good," was Luka's reply.
He moved closer to her, his hand slipped under her scrubs top. Sam let him; she was way too tired to try to stop him.
"I missed you last night," he said looking into her eyes.
Sam didn't say anything; she just stood there searching Luka's eyes. His hand playing with the skin of her back made her heart beat faster.
"I couldn't stop thinking of where we had left off yesterday." He had been up all night thinking about her, his body ached for her. Coming so close to having her only to get interrupted, had been driving him crazy.
Sam swallowed hard; she was doing her best to keep her composure. It wasn't easy. Luka bent his head down, briefly rubbing his head against hers. Their eyes were locked on each other.
Luka was taking the next step, moving in for the kiss. His mouth was a centimetre from hers when the door slammed shut. They both jumped at the sound, Sam stepped away from Luka.
"I should be getting back to work."
She was glad someone had slammed the door; it gave her time to come back to her senses. She was supposed to be taking things slow with Luka, just being friends. That plan was so not working, Luka had said that he could never be just friends with her, and it was clear to her now that he had been speaking the truth.
Luka could have killed the person who had slammed the door. First Alex the day before and now some anonymous person, there was only so much interruptions a guy could take. And each time they hadn't been able to finish what they had begun. He banged his fist against the counter in frustration.
Carter stormed out of the ER into the ambulance bay. He knew that he had no right to be mad, but the sight of Luka and Sam together like that had made him so angry. Luka was allowed to kiss Sam, he wasn't, and mostly he was just jealous of Luka. But he didn't see how Luka could treat Sam like he had and still get to be in her life. More than anything he wanted to be the one to be kissing Sam, to be touching her . . . but he would have to stop thinking like that.
Carter turned around to find Susan watching him, her arms folded.
"What's up with you?" she asked.
"Nothing," he answered.
"Really?" she didn't believe him, "Then you didn't get upset and slam the door to the doctor's lounge after seeing Sam and Luka together?"
Carter just looked at the ground, to embarrassed to look at her.
"John, you're going to have to talk to Sam about how you feel. She thinks you want her out of the house."
"What? I don't want that. Right now I may want Luka to disappear and for her to come running into my arms, but I really don't want her to move out. Whatever gave her that idea?"
"Maybe it's the fact that you won't speak to her."
"Shit! I just didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, and I figured she would if she knew how I felt about her. So I was just keeping my distance." He ran a hand through his hair. He had been so wrapped up in making sure she didn't find out, he hadn't thought about how avoiding her would look to her.
"Are you sure that it wouldn't be easier for you if she did leave? Especially if you're going to freak out every time you see her and Luka together."
"Hey, they were making out in there, that's why I freaked out. And I wouldn't want her to leave, she needs a place to stay and I'm happy to have her stay with me."
"And you're aware that even though she's living in the same house as you she is not going to suddenly realise that she loves you too?"
"I'm not deluding myself like that Susan, I know full well there is no way that will happen. However much I may want it to."
"Okay, I'm just making sure. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I won't, and I'll try to keep the freaking out to a minimum."
"Good," Susan hated being caught in the middle of situations like this.
"Just promise me you'll talk to her. She's been asking me what's wrong, if you don't fix things with her soon, I'll tell her myself." She meant what she said; she wasn't going to let Sam think she had done something wrong when she hadn't. Sam didn't need to have more stress in her life.
"Okay, okay, I'll talk to Sam later." Carter said sincerely.
"Glad to hear it. Now get your ass inside and get back to work."
"Yes ma'am," Carter said giving Susan a salute.
"Hey Sam could you help me in here?" Susan asked Sam, she was standing outside on of the examination rooms.
"Sure, what have you got?" Sam answered as she went over to Susan.
"Nineteen year old girl, she was badly beaten up. Says she was mugged but doesn't want to get the cops involved. She came in by herself and her clothes were noticeably torn, I think she was raped but she won't say. I want to see if she'll open up before I call social services."
With that they both went into the room.
"This is Sam, she's a nurse and she's just going to help me, okay?" Susan said walking over to where the girl was in the bed.
"Hi," Sam said sitting on the stool beside her. "What's your name?"
"Lisa," the girl answered.
"That's a pretty name. What happened to you?" Sam asked sounding concerned.
"I was attacked," Lisa answered.
"Did they take your bag or anything?"
Lisa shook her head.
"What did they do?"
Lisa looked down at her hands and started crying. Sam moved closer to the girl and gently rubbed her arm soothingly.
"Lisa," Sam got not reaction.
"Lisa, look at me," this time the girl looked over at Sam. "If some guys attacked you, then you should go to the police. They can catch whoever did this."
"I can't, my boyfriend he . . . I don't want to have to talk about what he did, it was all my fault anyway."
"How is you getting beaten up by your boyfriend your fault?" Sam had a knot in her stomach; the girl's story was turning out to be way too familiar to her own life.
Lisa didn't answer her question, she looked so ashamed.
"Does he beat you around a lot?"
"No," Lisa said shocked, "he has never done anything like that before. He's the perfect boyfriend; I was the one who ruined everything."
"It's not your fault; he should not have done this. If he really was a perfect boyfriend he wouldn't have done this."
"I wouldn't sleep with him," Lisa said as if that answered everything. "He's done nothing but be supportive to me and he got annoyed that I wouldn't sleep with him. I had slept with my last boyfriend but he dumped me the next day, so my boyfriend started saying that I didn't love him and stuff. Then today, he came to see me and he was drunk, he said he was fed up waiting and he . . . he . . ." Lisa couldn't finish her sentence, she just sobbed.
Sam put her arm around the girl; she really thought she was to blame.
"Did he rape you?" she asked.
Lisa just nodded. Susan started saying that she was going to go ring the cops but Lisa stopped her, she still didn't want the cops involved. Susan looked over at Sam; they had to convince the girl somehow. Sam took a deep breath and turned back to Lisa, she took her arm back and made Lisa look at her.
"Lisa, look at me, okay?" Sam sighed, "When I was a year or two younger than you, some guy I went out on a date with raped me too. He told me that it was all my fault. That because I had a kid dating me came with an unsaid promise of sex. Of course I hadn't wanted to sleep with him and he got mad, and he shoved me into the back seat of his car, he was a lot stronger than me, one of the schools star wrestlers."
Sam stopped there for a brief moment to make sure Lisa was following her. Susan was standing staring at her friend, speechless. She had no idea that Sam had been raped, but when she thought about it, she guessed there was a lot she didn't know about Sam.
"Once he had me on the back seat it was easier for him, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't. He had both of my hands in one of his, and with the other he was able to undo my trousers and his own. I remember biting my lip so hard as he raped me that I needed stitches." Sam could feel the tears burning her eyes. She felt as though she was reliving it all over again, and she could remember everything.
"Why are you telling me this?" Lisa asked.
"Because, like you I blamed myself and I never told anybody. I believed him when he said that I had asked for it. Looking back, not a day goes by that I don't regret letting him get away with that. I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did. I realised that no one ever deserves to be raped, I didn't and you most certainly didn't."
"You're telling the truth," Lisa said, "At first I thought that maybe you were just trying to convince me to go to the cops, but I can see it in your eyes."
No one in the room spoke for a few minutes, each dealing with their own thoughts.
"Will you sit with me when I talk to the cops?" Lisa asked Sam.
"Yeah, of course I will. Do you want us to ring anyone? Your parents? Guardians?"
"Would you call my aunt? I live with her."
Sam nodded and took the number where she would be able to reach the aunt.
A few hours later Sam was saying goodbye to Lisa and her aunt. She had told the cops everything, and Sam was with her the entire time.
"Thanks," Lisa said to her before she left.
"No problem, I hope everything turns out well for you." Sam answered and watched as the girl and the aunt left.
It had been tough telling her story to Lisa, she had never told anyone before, but if Lisa's rapist was put behind bars then it was worth it. Luka had once commented that she always felt strongly about female patients who had been brought in because of domestic abuse or rape. She had tried to pretend she had no idea of what he was talking about. When he asked if it was because of Steve she simply answered that Steve had never raped her, which was true, another guy had. He just thought it she felt passionate about them because Steve used to beat her up, which was also true.
"How are you doing?" Susan asked walking over to stand beside her friend.
"I'm doing okay, I'm tired." Sam answered.
"I'll let you go home early if you want?"
"Are you sure? I mean I haven't worked all week."
"I think you need it, it must have been hard telling that girl about . . ., I'm just saying that I think what you need right now is to go home, you've had enough stress for one day. You are pregnant after all."
"Thanks Susan." Sam was relieved to be allowed to go home, she really just wanted to crawl into her bed and fall asleep.
"It's okay; we're slow enough today anyway." Susan said smiling.
Just as she said that she heard Jerry saying that a MVA was on its way in. Sam looked at Susan, half expecting her to tell her to stay.
"Go, before I change my mind,"
Sam smiled her thanks at Susan and hurried to her locker to retrieve her bag.
In the ambulance bay Luka was waiting for the MVA to come in. He caught Sam on her way out.
"Hey," he yelled at her, "You going home?"
Sam walked over to him; they hadn't talked all day, not since they had almost kissed that is.
"Yeah, I'm finished for the day. Are you waiting for the MVA?"
"Some of us aren't quite finished yet." Luka answered. "Can I see you tonight?"
"I was hoping to just go home and go straight to bed. I'm exhausted."
"Oh," Luka said looking very disappointed.
Sam couldn't help from smiling at seeing Luka's obvious disappointment. She had to admit she'd love to go to sleep with his arms around her, but she knew that Alex would be really annoyed if he found Luka had spent the night.
"How about tomorrow?" he pleaded.
"Call me tomorrow and I'll see what I can do. Alex is grounded at the moment, so I can't leave him in the house on his own."
Luka didn't get a chance to argue that it was Alex that was being punished not her, as the ambulance pulled into the bay. She said goodbye and left, he did his best to push her out of his mind and focus on the patient in front of him.
"Sam, are you home?" Carter yelled. Susan had told him that Sam had been upset and had gone home early but he had seen no sign of her. He went upstairs to see if he could find her.
"Sam?" he said again walking into her room.
He found her there, sitting in bed, hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes were slightly red and he could tell she had been crying. She was completely absorbed in her own thoughts, she didn't even notice Carter come over and sit on the bed beside her.
"Sam, are you okay?" It seemed like a stupid question, but it was all Carter could think of to ask.
Sam turned to look at him, "When did you get here?"
"I've been yelling your name all around the house, didn't you hear me?"
She shook her head; she hadn't heard him at all. The first thing she had noticed was him asking if she was alright. The rape victim had made her think of her own rape too much, and that had led to crying. She couldn't stop thinking about it, about how she had let him get away with it, about how she had blamed herself for years.
Carter was really worried about her now; this behaviour was very much out of character for her.
"What happened?" he voice was full of concern.
"I had a patient today, nineteen year old girl who had been raped," she answered.
"Why did that upset you so much?"
He looked her in the eyes and he could almost see the answer written there. She had been raped. Sam looked away when she realised that he had guessed.
He couldn't believe someone would do that to her, he was ready to kill whoever the guy was.
"It's okay to cry, I know how corny that sounds, but it's something they taught me at AA. They taught me how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and without using alcohol. I know what it's like to feel hopeless, I'm not going to judge you for feeling the way you're feeling right now."
Carter pulled Sam into his arms and she let him. She needed to be comforted right then, and Carter had been open with her, had made her feel that she wasn't the only one to go off the deep end every now and then. He sat on the bed with her and held her, rocked her, while she cried, cried for the pain that that man had caused her, for the fact that a part of her would always suffer as a result of what he had done and he would never suffer.
Carter held Sam until the crying quieted, then stopped, and he continued holding her in the silence of the room. He kissed the top of her head, unable to stop himself.
"I'm really falling in love with you," he said softly.
"What?" Sam asked pulling away from him slightly so she could look at his face.
"I'm falling in love with you, that's why I've been avoiding you. I just thought it would be better if you didn't know how I felt."
Sam was too stunned for words, too stunned to do anything but stare at him; she was just about able to breathe.
"Susan said that you thought I wanted you to move out," he continued, "That is the last thing I want. I said you could stay here as long as you want, and I meant it."
"I love Luka, you know that right? And I'm sorry but I don't think that I could . . . I'm having Luka's baby and . . ."
"I know, and I don't expect anything to happen."
Sam didn't say anything, she planted a small kiss on his lips and hugged him again, her head on his chest. He embraced her, pulling her tight. They both needed that hug. Sam because of everything that was happening to her in her life right then, she had felt so alone before Carter had come in. She needed the comfort of having someone's arms around her, and she knew that Carter needed the comfort too.
Carter held onto Sam, as if everything could just fade away. His feelings for her, her pain, it would all fade away in that moment. He knew that is was a lie, and that she would rather be in Luka's arms, but right then he let himself believe in the fantasy.
They just held each other, neither of them talking, neither of them ready to let go. They both knew that once they let go, they would have to go back to their lives and neither of them wanted to do that right then.