Chapter Twelve
Luka was at admit, he could see Sam walking in with Carter, a huge grin on her face. He wanted to run over and pick her up and just be with her again; he missed her so much.
"Luka if you leave now don't expect to be allowed back, because now is your last chance."
That was the last thing she had said to him. It was a month ago now and he was barely surviving. He would wake up, go to work and go home. That was now his life, all happiness gone. He knew he was to blame, that if he tried he might have a chance to get her back. But looking at her now, she was looked so happy, happier than she had been the last few times they had spoken. With him out of her life it was better for both of them.
She was four months pregnant now, and he could see a tiny bump whenever she wore tight clothing. He had overheard her complaining the other day about how some of her clothes were starting to get too tight on her. In five months time he would be a father again; only he wouldn't be there for the birth, or any of it for that matter. As long as Sam never moved out of Chicago he would be able to watch his daughter grow up from a distance. And that was the best way, as far as he was concerned. He was too afraid of not being able to protect her.
Luka wondered if Sam had started thinking of names. If she had started working on the nursery. If she was going to still live with Carter after the baby was born. If his little girl would end up thinking Carter was her dad. It was enough to drive him crazy; being without Sam was driving him crazy as it was. He was finding himself turning to alcohol to drown his sorrows way too often. Sometimes it was the only thing that helped him sleep at night.
He was vaguely aware of Frank telling them that a trauma was on the way in, and he was glad to have something else to think about, to have anything else to think about. At least at work he was able to focus on his patients, when he wasn't watching Sam that is.
He went out into the ambulance bay to wait for the incoming stabbing victim.
Sam was cleaning up after the trauma, the stabbing victim had been sent on up to the OR. She had been working with Luka; it was something she was getting used to. In a way she looked forward to working with him, it gave her a chance to be with him, to hear his voice. At the same time though, it was painful, too much of a reminder of what she had lost.
She was four months along now, 17 weeks to be exact, and Luka hadn't mentioned anything about being there for the baby. Not even a mention of paying child support, and given the fact that she was about to have two children she could do with at least one father paying for his child. She had really hoped that Luka would have wanted to be a part of their child's life.
Not a day went by when she didn't miss Luka. For Alex's sake she did her best to keep smiling, even though she was falling apart on the inside. It felt like a part of her was missing. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek.
"Hey Sam there's someone here to see you," Susan said walking into the room.
Sam turned around and quickly wiped the tear away not wanting Susan to see her cry.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"Are you okay Sam? You know you can talk to me anytime you need to." Susan said, she had noticed Sam wiping her eyes. She understood how hard pregnancy could be, she had Chuck to lean on though. Sam didn't have Luka.
"I'm fine," Sam answered forcing a smile.
"I can tell you're not, so don't lie. You miss him don't you?"
"Yeah, it's hard to for me to forget him when I'm carrying his child!"
"Has he been in touch with you at all?" She asked going over to Sam.
"No, not even to ask about his child. It's like he's forgotten her."
"Do you want to hate him? Cause I think he's a bit of a bastard for leaving you and his baby like that. We could hate him together?"
That got Sam laughing.
"Thanks, but I'm not quite there yet. Wait until I'm giving birth, then I'll be more than willing."
They both went silent for a moment, Sam was thinking about the birth. She was probably going to have to do that on her own, at least giving birth to Alex her grandmother had been there.
"I'll be there with you during your labour, if you want?" Susan offered. "I have very strong hands, so you can squeeze them as hard as you want, and I have the added bonus of knowing exactly what you're going through."
"Thanks, I could really do with having some help then. I can't exactly ask Alex to be there for me."
"No problem, now are you ready to see your visitor?"
"I'd forgotten about that, who is it?"
"Remember Lisa, the rape victim?"
Sam nodded and followed Susan out of the room.
At admit, Lisa was there with her aunt waiting for Sam. Sam walked over to her wondering what she was doing here.
"Hi Lisa, how are you?" she asked.
"I'm good, thanks to you." Was Lisa's answer.
"I didn't do anything really."
"You convinced me to talk to the cops. My boyfriend called me after I left the hospital and I told him I had talked to the police. He ended up running, but the cops arrested him today. And you were right, if I had let him get away with it, I would always have regretted it."
"I'm really happy for you."
"I just had to come and tell you, and thank you." Lisa said hugging Sam.
"You're welcome," Sam hugged her back.
Lisa had to leave then. Sam was standing at admit, Frank was beside her complaining about something. She felt a sudden pain in her stomach and gripped it. Suddenly Carter was in front of her holding her hand and asking if she was alright. Even Frank was looking at her concerned.
"I'm fine," she managed to say in the mist of Carter asking her tons of questions.
"Are you sure?" Carter asked, "Maybe I should check you out just in case."
"The baby just kicked for the first time, it caught me by surprise is all. The baby can really kick." Sam laughed. It was nice to know that people cared but Carter was going over the top just a bit.
"Can I?" Carter asked.
Sam understood what he meant and placed his hand where the baby had kicked before. As if on cue the baby kicked again. Carter drew his hand back and smiled.
Frank was the next in line, much to Sam's (and everyone else's) surprise, he too wanted to feel the baby. Sam showed him where to place his hand and his face spread into a huge grin as the baby kicked again.
"It's a lucky baby to have you as a mother," he said.
Sam couldn't believe Frank had said that, it was so outside his nature to say anything positive. She hugged him, and he hugged her back.
"Luka's crazy to be leaving you like that, I just hope he pays child support. You let me know if he doesn't, I know a good lawyer."
Sam was overcome by such tenderness from Frank of all people. She hugged him again and thanked him. Frank was feeling a bit awkward; he wasn't comfortable showing such emotion, unless he was complaining that is. Carter watched as he went off mumbling something about having work to do, he was completely speechless. It was so unlike the Frank he had grown to know.
By this stage, Abby, Ray and Neela had joined them wondering what all the fuss was about. Sam told them and found her stomach being touched by all three as they each had their turn. Her daughter seemed to like all the attention; she kept on kicking with all her might.
From across the ER, Luka could see what was going on. He guessed that his baby was kicking, and he was missing it. Sam looked so happy. He walked away, he couldn't watch her anymore. He rubbed his eye to stop the tear from falling. Then he went on to his patients, they were the only thing keeping him going right then.
Susan and Carter were on their break, they were in the doctor's lounge praying that nothing would happen to disturb them from their well deserved break.
"It's Cosmo's first birthday at the weekend, I can't believe a whole year has gone by so fast. You're coming to the party right?"
"Yes," Carter answered, Susan had been asking him that same question for over a week now, "Sam says that she's coming too. So if nothing else you'll have two of us there."
"Good, don't forget!" She wanted to celebrate Cosmo's first birthday in style. The only problem was that Cosmo had no friends so she was depending on her friends to turn up.
"I doubt you'll let me." Carter answered.
"I'm not that bad, am I?"
"You're a mother, it's allowed. But only when it has to do with Cosmo, I wouldn't put up with it over anything else."
"Well lucky for you all I get time to think about is Cosmo and work. I miss having a life. I can't imagine how Sam managed to be a single mother from the age of fifteen."
"Yeah, she's tough; she's been through so much but still keeps going." Carter gushed.
Susan choked back a laugh, Carter sounded so much like a love sick teenager sometimes. It was cute, yet funny at the same time.
"Still like her then?" She asked.
"Yep," with her now single he was finding it harder than ever to keep his feelings in. Sam was great about it though, that was a blessing. She didn't act differently around him, too much anyway. He didn't understand how Luka could have walked away so easily, not when he had Sam and a baby along the way.
Sometimes, like today when he had been feeling her baby kick, he would think about his own son, Joshua. It was strange having another pregnant woman in the house, the house where he and Kem had planned their son's future.
"I'm worried about her," Susan said, "She always seems fine, but I found her crying today. I think she's hurting more than she's letting on."
"I've tried talking to her, but she won't open up. At times she looks so lost, but once she realises someone else is in the room she just switches on her smile." Carter was worried about Sam too, in the month since Luka left she hadn't mentioned him once and she didn't seem to notice his absence. He knew that she cared too much about Luka to forget him that quickly.
Susan didn't get a chance to respond as Haleh came in to tell her that her elderly patient was crashing. She sighed and quickly exited the room, promising herself that she would finish her conversation with Carter later. Once she got a free minute that is.
Luka got home and threw his coat onto the couch. He headed over to the press and took out the bottle of whiskey that was inside, along with a glass.
Once he was sitting down, he poured himself a glass of whiskey. His mind drifted to Sam, as it always did. He kept repeating to himself over and over again that she was better off, he was better off not having to watch another love die. To not have to watch another child of his die.
He downed the glass in one, and picked up the ring box that he kept on his coffee table. The engagement ring he had been planning to give to Sam. It was the only thing of hers he had, and he found little comfort in having it with him. But he kept it on the coffee table as a constant reminder. A constant reminder of the women he had loved more than any other. A constant reminder of the woman he had lost due to his own fear, his own fear of opening up and his own fear of becoming a father and failing, again.
He drank another glass of whiskey, and then another. Since he had walked out of Sam's apartment he had been ignoring everyone, he didn't answer his phone, and he hardly spoke to anyone at work. He just wanted to be left alone. If he couldn't be with the one person that he wanted to be with more than anything else in the world, then he didn't want to see or speak to anyone.
He lay back on the couch and felt the whiskey start to do its work. Sleep lured him, and he let it come. In his sleep he dreamt. He dreamt that he was with Sam, and she was pregnant. He was with her every step of the way, and they were happy. The way they should have been. And for that brief time while he was asleep, unaware that it was all a dream, he was happy, truly happy, as he had only ever been with her.
Sam was in the bathroom staring at herself in the mirror. How could she look so normal, so self contained when all she wanted to do was scream? She closed her eyes and gripped onto the edge of the sink. All she could feel was pain, nothing else. But she was a mother and she didn't have the luxury of being able to wallow in it. Instead she had to hide it all away, pretend nothing was wrong.
She opened her eyes again. Inside her, all the pain was manifesting. It had nowhere to go, she didn't let it escape and it was building up inside her, bubbling over the surface. The only time she really got to be herself was at night when she was alone in bed. No one bothered her then and she was free to feel as she pleased.
Life held little pleasure for her anymore, save Alex. It was him and the baby that kept her going. She let a tear fall, she missed Luka so much. She never thought it would be this bad, never thought it would hurt this much.
The pain needed a way to get out, there was too much of it inside her and the longer it stayed in the more it grew. She looked over at her razor and picked it up. It would be so easy to just let everything go, let everything out.
She removed the blade and threw down the rest. She stared at the blade for a long time, she knew what she wanted to do, and she was sure it would relieve a lot of the pressure. She was just unsure if she could go through with it.
Deciding it was absolutely necessary; she raised the blade up to her upper arm and got ready to cut. To let the pain come out, to feel something other than the numbness from the smile that she hid behind.
The baby kicked then, as hard as she was able to. Sam dropped the blade and put her hand over her stomach, the baby was still kicking away. It was almost as if she was telling Sam to stop.
Sam put the blade back into the razor and walked out of the bathroom to her bedroom. She got into her bed and rubbed her belly absentmindedly. She thanked her unborn daughter for saving her from doing something she really didn't want to do.
TBC