It's been a long time coming but here it is, the third last chapter, oh and again I apologise for the length but that what exams do to you, silly things! There isn't much to go so hang in there! Oh and tell me if you hate it too, I'd love to hear if you do!
To Paula: Ahh good to see someone's reading, here's the next chap especially for you! I wonder where the others are?
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters you recognise to be Heelers, the others are a product of my imagination.
Tuesday: Forever Goodbye
No matter how many times I hit my head against the wall it hurt just the same but I kept going anyway, I had to make it hurt bad because I deserved it.
I hit it really hard one last time, made myself all dizzy. I couldn't walk to bed and I just collapsed on the floor, that's where I'd stay.
My head screamed for Panadol but it was all gone, I wasn't gonna get anymore because I didn't want it, it just numbed the pain, it didn't make it go away forever.
My throat stung viciously, I don't think they were meant to run out so fast...it didn't matter though. I curled up on the floor but I didn't close my eyes, if I did all I'd see was Tess.
Do you think she really loved me?
Lying there, so curled up I wished she did but I hoped she wouldn't, I didn't deserve it.
I had to make her words play over and over in my head to punish myself: "How do you think it feels, waking up every morning knowing that you're a worthless piece of shit?" She was right, she hurt too. Why didn't I see that before? Guess I was too self-centred to notice.
I don't think I meant it though, like bashing my head against the wall in my room, no matter how many times I'd try to stop loving Tess, I'd love her just the same.
She didn't have to do this to me though! Why so much pain? Maybe it isn't her that's hurting me...maybe it's this stupid disease, 'depression'. I scoffed at how I made myself say it but I knew I was right, I wasn't fighting with Tess I was fighting that stupid disease and if I let it get to me it'd hurt me even more.
The earthy ground beneath her crumbled as she shuffled her feet closer. The tips of her feet hung off the edge just waiting to let go. Looking out at her I saw the blue sky around us enclosing us in its peaceful silence.
She stretched out her arms, letting the wind blow under them, so powerful and strong I'd though it would just lift her up. Only 2 cm more and she'd be off the edge but she wanted to do it right, nothing would throw her over and nothing would stop her; she'd choose when. Standing there on the cliff's dangerous edge, I saw her face when she looked down, everything made sense. The heavy rocks and their sharp carved edges beckoned her; that's where she wanted to be, down there where everything was lost and still, where she'd lay numb and the world around her would just float away like a leaf on the tide of a gentle stream.
"Tess!" I screamed out to her, her back to me. If I could touch her I wouldn't let her do it and if she could hear me she would turn around.
"Tess!" I tried again but nothing happened, she was still there. Her hat covered in brown dust lay at her feet and the wind ripped through her shirt but she still stood there ever so still.
She was looking down so I stood next to her and looked down with her, the height made me sick, the dizziness in my head made it ache but she kept looking, don't know what she was looking for. I tried to touch her but I couldn't. I knew she saw me there because when she looked at me with her deep blue eyes that reflected the sky she looked so calm, so peaceful.
"Tess, don't do it!" I warned her but the dirt under her feet shuffled as she stepped over the edge, letting the wind catch her when she fell.
"Tess!" I screamed out to her, falling on the cliff's floor I tried to reach out to her over the edge, she fell so slowly but I couldn't reach her. Everything was so slow. I tried to look at her face but it faded away, everything did. Everything was black and white and so deeply blurry.
My eyes burst open to see the deep cherry wood of my bedside table in front of me. The smell of lacquer hurt my brain, my forehead pressed against the wood made it warm.
I have to stop doing that, those dreams are bloody scary but I don't think they'll stop.
My head ached like never before and my hand held up to my forehead didn't help. It was like a really big awful hangover except it didn't go away. Barely lifting myself off the ground I checked my clock, great it was 9.00; I was late.
I wanted to know more about Tessy being sick, she wouldn't talk to me so I consulted her mum.
"So she's finally gotten to you?" Denise asked when she opened the door and saw that it was me.
"You could say that..." I answered back while she let me in and escorted me to the little patio outside.
"I didn't know what to think when we came back from the docs...My girl, depressed. I wouldn't believe it at first! I told the doc he got it wrong but I guess somehow I knew..."
"You knew about Tess being depressed?" I thought Tess would hide it from her mother; she was so good at hiding things.
"Have you found her razor blades yet?" Denise asked
"Yeah..." I said back.
"Yeah well when I saw her sticking them into her wrists I knew something was wrong." I sighed, hearing the hurt in Tess' mum voice.
"She didn't give herself enough time to grieve Evan...You know what she did with all those photos of Sammy?" Denise asked me thinking I'd know.
"What photos?" I asked confused.
"Oh she didn't tell you? I didn't think she would. All the photos she ever took of Sammy, she just burnt them all! Luckily I saved this one; otherwise I don't think I'd ever be able to see my grand daughter's face again..."
My heart pounded as I made myself walk through the back door of the station. What would I tell her if I saw her? Best not to say anything I guess, have to stay angry.
"...and Wally's kindly informed us that his security system is on the blink again!" The Sarge exclaimed almost sarcastically as the others in the station moaned in annoyance. I shouldn't have just walked into read-out like that, I should have sat outside for a while...too late.
"Can't we just ignore 'em?" suggested Joss while I made my way through the corridor.
"With all this cement..." she stopped when she saw me walk by.
"Sorry Sarge..." I muttered almost incoherently but she continued.
"...going missing, we have no choice..." Everyone was surprised at the fact that Tess didn't scold me for coming in late, so was I.
"I wish someone would just steal the bloody system, that'd save us all the trouble..." muttered Alex.
"Yeah look, we here to do a job; don't forget that..." Tess was in a good mood considering, maybe it was just all an act.
"Anything on the Thomas case?" asked PJ, another grizzly murder for him to solve, that made his day.
"Paul should be getting back to you. He mentioned something about Laura's Aunt? He said you should check it out before he gets here." Tess was a bit confused but she knew PJ would understand.
"Oh right, the aunt...I'm on to it. Can I take Jones?" PJ asked.
"Nope...he's with the Sarge, you get me..." Amy said, pulling her arm through the sleeve of her jacket. PJ was satisfied with the arrangement but I wasn't, thought I was meant to be ignoring her. It's just my day isn't it?
PJ and Amy left while Tess was handing out the last of today's orders.
"Alright, Jones is on patrol with me. Kelly and Joss you still have to settle that matter with Mrs. Rogers and Balthazar..."
"He didn't do it Sarge!" Kelly exclaimed, the thought of the goat getting punished disgusted her.
"In your dreams Kel!" Joss laughed
"Joss, he was set-up!" Kelly was damn serious about defending the goat.
"That's why he's got petunias all over him..." Joss managed to add before Kelly gave him the cold shoulder and they both got up to leave.
"And Kirby, those reports need to be on the Boss' desk before 2.00." Tess managed to add finally before she swiped her hat off her desk and grabbed the keys to the car. I should have hid in the mess-room, I didn't wanna go on patrol with Tess it was the last thing I needed.
"You comin'?" she asked half way out the station's entrance. I uncrossed my arms, got up from leaning against my desk and followed her.
"Hey, Tess?" I called out to her, it was pitch black and I was worried about her. Someone said she'd be at Patterson's cliff so I drove down.
"Tess, it's the middle of the night, aren't you cold?" I walked up to her and sat down next to her on the edge of the cliff.
"Hmmm?" she asked when she finally noticed that I was sitting next to her.
"Here..." I said wrapping my jacket around her back to keep her warm but she gave it back.
"It's okay, I'm not cold..." well that wasn't true she was shivering but I wasn't going to insist.
"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked somewhat curious.
"You know how some people have those special places that make them safe…a place where everything make sense?" Tess said to me looking out at the blackness around her.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"Well this is my place. Everything makes sense here..."
We didn't talk in the car. To be honest I wasn't surprised, in fact I was relieved. Tess drove so I got to lean my forehead against the window to numb the bruise that was beginning to form on it. I closed my eyes too; I wanted to just go to sleep. Maybe if I did she'd send me home?
"Jones?" Damn! She had to wake me.
"Mmm?" I muttered head still pressed against the glass; don't think that was making it better though.
"Don't think I'm gonna let them pay you overtime if you keep falling asleep on the job!" Tess was telling me off, good this would make things easier.
I didn't reply but I didn't have to, the speeding blue Toyota coming off Penthope Rd caught her attention. She slammed on the brakes and did a 180 and sped after the maniac that managed to get away before she made to the intersection.
"Damn!" Tess yelled hitting the steering wheel. My forehead hit the window hard when Tess stopped suddenly to let another car through.
"Arg!" Great! Now my bruise had a bruise.
"Did you get the rego?" Tess asked as I rubbed my forehead and she went to turn the siren off.
"Nope" I muttered, still rubbing hard trying to avoid the tender blue bruise.
"Oh, that'd be right Jones. Look you keep them eyes open Jones or you'll be walking back to the station." Tess was aggravated at my lack of concern but she wasn't the one with the pounding headache.
"Not my fault I'm on patrol with you, you did the rosters..." I managed to say before Tess slammed on the brakes again stopping mid-way down Penthope Rd. I hit my head against the glass again; you think I would have learnt the first time.
"That's it! Get out!" Tess screamed at me, her patience wasn't something to play with.
"Sarge..." I whined.
"That's an order Jones!" I didn't know she was aloud to do this.
"It's an hour's walk Tess!" I complained again, I should've just shut up.
"Get out and walk!" Tess screamed at me yet again. I had no choice, guess it'd be a lovely country stroll for me.
That cliff really haunted me. You don't think that's a funny place to go whenever something's wrong?
But hey what would I know about Tess? I feel as if there's so much of her that I don't get anymore.
The scorching sun burnt the back of my neck to add to the agonising vicious pain in my throat and the sick dizziness and fatigue that kept swirling around and around in my head. It hadn't stopped since this morning and I wanted so desperately for it to just go away.
Half way up the street I could see the station, a little red speck with its blue sign. Great only a little more, wish I wasn't so tired...
I had to drag my feet down the path because they wouldn't lift, the soles of my shoes started to wear away at the edges. What I wouldn't do for a nice cold glass of beer but I still had half a kilometre to go.
My tongue along with the deep cut in my throat burnt and my muscles ached, I swear if she ever makes me do this again, I'll give up talking to her for good!
"What happened to you!" exclaimed the Boss as I staggered in through the door. I collapsed like a heap of heavy coal on my chair and my head rest on my desk.
"She made me walk..." I mumbled as the Boss stood there in question.
"From Penthope rd?" The Boss asked, he didn't think Tess was that cruel.
I moaned in response and rested there for a while.
"You right there Jonesy?" asked a smiling PJ who leaned his head over mine to look into my eyes, they were shut though.
"The Sergeant made him walk..." was all the Boss had to say. PJ smiled again.
"Didn't think an hour's walk could kill anyone..." said PJ slapping my back in a friendly way, if only he'd known that it was still so heavily bruised.
"Arg!" I moaned in pain again while Peej silently apologised.
"Hey nice tan Jonesy!" chimed Alex whilst coming in from the mess room a glass of icy cold water in his hand. I could almost taste it pouring down my throat, quenching my painful thirst. Alex popped it on my desk next to me and I lifted my head up to see the glistening glass. I smiled in thanks.
"What's this I hear about the Sarge kicking you outta the cop car?" Alex asked sitting in his desk next to me, flicking through his paperwork. I didn't say anything in reply, didn't want to lose the lasts bits of energy I had left.
"Told you she was evil..." Alex chuckled while the Boss picked up the ringing phone off the Sarge's desk. "...next thing you know she'll be making you build pyramids..." Alex continued before I cut in.
"Speaking of the Sarge, where is she?" I asked, I knew she would have been back by now.
"Taken some personal time." Alex responded just before the Boss cut in.
"That was Mr. Ogden, says his alarm system's been smashed!" the Boss secretly smiled to himself but remained all the more serious.
"Yes! Our prayers have been answered!" Alex was overjoyed at the news.
"You gonna go rub in it?" the Boss asked Alex who already headed for the keys rack.
"Sure am! Jones you coming?" Alex asked as I was sculling down the last of what was left of the water.
"Think Jones might pass..." The Boss answered for me when I looked at him hopelessly.
"Alright but you're missing out..." Alex teased as he headed out.
The Sarge was gone for a good half hour and I was bored of filing. Sitting there drumming my fingers against the edge of my desk I felt a tad better but the dizziness still didn't go away.
The drumming attracted the attention of Kelly who looked up for a moment and smiled when she realised that I was bored. I sat there for ages just staring at my desk, it was unusual for Tess to just go for no reason.
"Kel, did Tess say where she was going?" I asked Kelly thinking the Sarge might have said something that no-one thought important enough to mention.
"No, sorry. She just got up and left really..." Kelly went back to whatever it was that she was doing and I went back to staring at my desk. There was something strange about it. Didn't know what at first but then I realised, my desk was tidy, it was never tidy! I know that 'cause Tess kept nagging me to tidy it. Looks like it got to her so much she did it herself!
But the more I looked at it the more I realised it wasn't the desk she wanted to attract my attention to, it was the note that was next to a pile of reports, almost hidden under them; it was stuffed under my snow dome to keep it from blowing away.
I picked the note up looking at the happy bright yellow paper it was written on but the scribbly mess that was Tess' writing, proved otherwise.
I read it carefully to myself making sure that I was reading it right:
"Evan, I can't do it anymore; I tried and it doesn't work, I don't want to keep fighting because it hurts too much. When you find me, there won't be any time to say goodbye. Tell the others everything will be okay..." I don't think she finished it, it was too short but her name was scribbled in the right hand corner so she must have. I looked at it and I knew something was wrong, the last word of nearly every sentence crushed downward into the right hand side of the page, just barely hanging on.
I knew what it was, what she meant. She was finally gonna do it, I didn't know she wanted it that bad.
Scrunching the note up into a ball in my fist I was so damn angry, I wasn't going to let her do it, not like I did in my dream. I loved her too much; I needed to tell her that.
"Boss?" The Boss looked at me getting out from around my desk.
"Yes?" he asked quite drowsily, it was the weather it was making everyone tired.
"Can I take some personal time?" I asked making my way to the door; it wouldn't matter if he said 'no' I was leaving anyway.
"Yeah, you could do with some actually, go home and get some rest. Be back by the afternoon shift though, we need you on duty Jones..." the rest of that I hardly heard as I was halfway in the cop car.
I looked at the little digital clock on the inside when I started the car. It was 11.04, 'Maybe I shouldn't bother?' I thought to myself as I unscrewed the note from the tight ball I had made it into before. 'Maybe she really wanted this and no matter what I'd do I wouldn't be able to stop her?' I thought about it seriously, my head saying that I'd never be able to find her anyway but my heart telling me that I had to stop her because if I didn't she wouldn't be the only one that would be hurt, I would be too.
I sat in the car with the engine on for a while, closing my eyes trying to think of where she'd be. Where would she go? It had to be someplace she knew. Someplace she felt comfortable. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to remember something...anything! She'd mentioned the State Park, taken me there before, told me that the huge cliff was the only place that ever made any sense anymore. Patterson's cliff! It was in my dream too! My heart pounding as I put the car into gear and drove down the driveway. I drove in the direction of the State park, it was worth a try.
It amazing how much my head stopped hurting when I finally pulled over into the path that lead up to the cliff. Her car was there, I felt so relieved but I didn't want to get out. I was too scared that I might have been too late; I couldn't face seeing her lying there motionless knowing that she'd never wake up. I had to wipe away the tears that fell down my cheeks, stupid wuss that I was.
My hand reached out for the door but I couldn't open it, so I leant back in the seat and told myself I was a bloody coward! That didn't help. I had to prepare myself for the worst and I hated doing it. I tried to imagine what she'd look like down there so when I got there I wouldn't be so scared. I understood why I'd be so scared but everyone has to die, don't they? Maybe it's just Tess' time? But as I sat there I thinking about her I couldn't pretend anymore that she didn't mean anything to me, that I'd just forget about her like I said I would.
I opened the door and made myself walk up the path, breathing so deeply to control the tears that would inevitably fall again.
When I saw her standing there on the edge it looked nothing like what I thought it would. She stood there looking out at the sky in front of her, that silent blue sky. Her feet on the very edge, I was so scared she'd do it but so relieved she hadn't. I just wanted to run up to her and pull her away, hold her and never let her go. But I had to be gentle.
"Tess?" she turned around for a brief couple of seconds but went back to looking at the sky. I walked up a couple of steps till I was only metres from her but as she shuffled her feet further past the edge I freaked.
"Tessy, please. Don't do it..." I don't think she was listening. I edged in just that bit closer. I had to take the risk; I couldn't watch her throw herself off knowing that I didn't do anything to stop it.
She stood there so silently, almost as if she'd forgotten I was there. I was so close I could just touch her now, just a little bit further...
"You know, if you jump, I'll have to jump down after you..." I told her almost standing next to her. It was something that I thought of outta desperation, I couldn't just wait any longer. Tess looked at me when I said that and I noticed something that was so very strange. Tess wasn't crying, instead she had this eerie sense of peace about her. I didn't understand.
"...I won't have a reason to live if you're not here with me..." I continued hoping she'd give in, maybe if she realised that I didn't mean what I said, that I really did love her. Maybe she'd step away?
She looked at me again and sighed, looking at the rocks down beneath her for the very last time she turned around to face me.
"It's okay, I can't do it..." she sounded disappointed but I didn't care, I flung my arms around her and held her so close and so tight.
I couldn't control myself from crying, and my head buried itself in her shoulder. I wanted her to hug me back but she didn't, her arms stayed straight by her sides and she waited for me to let her go.
When I did I looked at her, so pathetically scared.
"Tessy, why do you wanna die?" I tried to hold her hand but she backed away, she didn't want me to touch her.
"How'd you find me?" Tess asked, she was changing the subject.
"I dunno, I just guessed...look it doesn't matter..."
"I couldn't do it but I wanted to..." Tess started again.
"Why Tessy?" I asked, I felt concerned, she was so hurt and I just wanted to make it all go away.
"I figured, if you don't love me, nobody will." Tess looked straight at me.
"That isn't true", I wiped away the tears falling down my cheeks and I looked at her beautiful blue eyes that were looking back at me. She started to walk back to the car and I followed behind her not saying much until we got there. She sat on the bonnet of her car and she looked at me when I joined her.
"I just want you to love me." she didn't look at me when she said that but I saw the dejected look on her face.
"I already do..." I said back to her.
"You said you didn't" Tess almost whispered but she didn't lose her calm composure.
"I know but I didn't mean it. I was just angry..." I tried to explain but Tess didn't let me.
"Angry at me! You were angry at me 'cause it's all my fault...I keep hurting you, I keep hurting everyone. I hurt Sammy..."
"Sammy?" I asked not understanding anything she meant but Tess wasn't listening.
"I should have just jumped. Why didn't I do it?" Tess asked herself more than she asked me. She rubbed her palm against her forehead and I knew she was angry with herself.
"Maybe you've got too much to live for Tessy?" I suggested hoping she'd agree.
"No, I haven't got anything to live for."
"What about me?" I asked, stupid thing to ask but I needed to know.
"You don't need me..." she sighed heavily, she wanted so desperately to be loved.
"I do Tess. What I said yesterday was stupid and you can't even begin to imagine how sorry I am...I love you Tess and for what it's worth I'll never stop loving you because I can't, I've tried and I can't do it. You mean the world to me and I never want to lose you...ever." Those damn tears were back again and I wiped them away as soon as I felt them. Tess looked at me solemnly and reached out to hold my hand. Holding my hand she made me feel so much better, it was incredible.
"I thought them anti-depressants were meant to work!" I began to get angry again.
"You're meant to give them a couple of days..." Tess tried to explain but I didn't want to hear excuses.
"It's been a couple of days!" I shouted just so damn frustrated.
Tess sighed and looked down at her knees. "Sorry...I'm such an impatient bugger Tess, I just want you to get better...now."
"I can't." Tess said still looking down. I nodded in response because I knew that was true, as much as I wanted the old Tess back she wouldn't back, not for a long while.
"It's hard isn't it?" I asked. Tess nodded and she checked her watch.
"Tess, promise me you won't ever do it again..."
"Do what?" Tess asked a bit confused.
"Hurt yourself like that."
"I can't promise anything..."
"Tessy..." I pleaded with her but Tess just checked her watch again.
"C'mon, we better get back to work..." she replied hopping off the bonnet and jumping into the driver seat of her car.
I stared at my little wallet sized photo of Sammy for a long while now, wondering why Tess would want to just forget her like that. I know I couldn't and she wasn't even my daughter.
My lack of work caught Kelly's attention.
"Is that the photo of Sammy you showed me a while ago?"
"Yeah...only one I've got." I said back not taking my eyes of the photo.
"Were you her father Jonesy?" I didn't know where she got that from.
"Nah, Tess was married for a little while. It didn't work out though."
"Oh, right. I hope she's okay though. I can't imagine what it's like..."
"Neither can I."
Tess refused to let me drive her home, she mumbled something about needing to finish her shift, I just wanted her home 'cause it drove me crazy thinking about how truly scared I was for her. No actually maybe it was a good idea she stayed, at least I could keep an eye on her this time; make sure she didn't do anything stupid.
Wiping the last couple of sorry tears that fell down my cheeks I tried to get out of the car but the sick dizziness in my head threw me back down as soon as I stood. What was with me? I was feeling crook all morning! Bloody headache wouldn't go away either, once it realised Tess was safe it made a come back aching more than it did before.
"Hey? You right there?" I didn't think I actually sat there for as long as I did, Joss was taping at the cop car's window indicating for me to get out. I got out sluggishly finally making it to the station entrance.
Walking in I didn't get greeted with the usual chorus of acknowledgement instead everybody stared. I smiled shyly not knowing what was wrong.
"You okay Jonesy?" Kelly asked concerned, I think she noticed that awful redness in your eyes just after you've been crying really hard.
"Yeah, I guess..." I wasn't gonna say anything about Tess and nor was I in the mood to complain about that dull headache of mine, in fact I was growing quite accustomed to it's presence.
I walked past a couple more concerned stares until I reached the mess room where PJ was doing his usual scotch finger and coffee ritual.
I grabbed a glass of water and PJ noticed me.
"Hey mate?" he asked in a quite matter of fact way although you could just taste the curiosity in his voice.
"Mmm?" I asked not particularly interested in what he had to say. I was going to wash my face but I didn't want to draw any attention to the fact that I had been crying. He noticed anyway.
"You right mate?"
"Yep..." I reply just as fast as he asked.
"You sure?" He tried again.
"Yep."
"You and the Sarge look like you've just been to a funeral..."
"Almost did..." I wasn't meant to say that as loud as I did.
"Pardon?" he asked even more intrigued.
"Nothin'" I said trying to divert his attention away from me.
"Jones?" I heard Alex call from his desk. I rushed over giving Peej no more time needed to ask questions. I shouldn't have walked that fast, my head pounded and my ears swelled from the noise it made.
"Yeah?" I asked grimacing hard to dull the headache.
"You're on patrol with me, Sarge's orders..." he didn't finish his sentence when I headed for the key rack; I'd just about had enough of this stupid headache but I didn't want it to get to me.
Shouldn't have turned around as fast as I did but in hindsight I don't really think it would have mattered, I would've ended up on the floor anyway...
"Jonesy?" It only took a couple of seconds for me to realise I'd fainted and only a couple more 'till that evil blackness came back and I couldn't see anything anymore.
"Sarge? Can...Jonesy's fainted...hospital?" I think my hearing was going too couldn't make sense of what was going on.
"Evan?" I could hear Tess' voice sounding all concerned and it wasn't long after that, that I think I just gave up.
It only took about 5 minutes when I first saw Tess again to realise that things would never be the same again, probably because I didn't want them to. I wanted a 'normal' life, somebody to come home to.
Susie was 'normal' enough, I liked her but I probably didn't love her but than again I'd never want to fall in love again. I promised myself I wouldn't.
Ever felt like you were flying but you knew you weren't? That's exactly what this felt like.
"Evan Jones, P.B.160 over 80, came in unconscious..." I knew that voice from somewhere, couldn't see who it was though...
"Hey Evan, can you hear me?" The doctor cut in and pulled back my eyelids, flashing his little light right into my eyes, stupid idiot nearly blinded me!
"...looks like he may have overdosed on some kind of painkiller..."
"What's his history?" the doc asked the triage nurse while I struggled to open my eyes.
"Been here on one occasion with a cut throat, it wasn't too deep though..." I was being pushed somewhere, the flashes of passing white wall burnt my eyes.
"You were the nurse on duty?"
"Yep, Resident doc was Reynolds, told me to let him go the day after."
"Great, alright let's get him a room..." I felt us stop in the middle of somewhere, still couldn't tell where but I didn't needed to, I think I must have just blacked out again.
The beeping machines almost drove me insane; I can tell you I never missed them. Opening my eyes was still a bit hard so I just let my ears do all the searching, my head still throbbed though, thought this place was meant to fix it!
"Is he gonna be okay?" I heard Tess ask, where'd she come from? I didn't think she'd bother to come along. I must have been wrong though, I guess she does care.
"Once we get this through him he should be fine, you wouldn't happen to know anything about his Panadol intake?" The doc asked, he sounded far away.
"Sorry?" Tess asked confused.
"I guess not then, it looks like Evan overdosed on Panadol." I actually thought that was pretty funny, if I could have laughed I think I would have. Overdosing on Panadol...whatever! I didn't take that many!
"What do you mean he O.D.ed on Panadol?"
"He went through the pack in a day and a half. That's about oh...3 times the amount of paracetamol you're aloud to have in a day..."
I didn't want to listen anymore and when I felt Tess leave I made myself go back to sleep.
She said she hurt Sammy. I kept wondering what that meant. She didn't really hurt her did she? Maybe there's more to this then I know?
"You wouldn't mind reading what that says just there?" The pharmacist handed me a brand new shiny packet of Panadol.
"Take two tablets every four hours when necessary...Not more than 8 tablets in 24 hours." I barely finished reading before the pharmacist cut in again.
"Great, you can read. Still doesn't explain why you managed to scoff the whole packet in a day and a half?" The pharmacist asked suspiciously. Great this is what just what I was waiting for, the incredibly long bloody lecture I'd get for something as pitiful as taking so much Panadol.
"Evan? Care to explain?" The pharmacist was at me again. I looked over at Tess who looked a bit embarrassed sitting next to me on my bed.
"Umm...it wouldn't make the pain go away, so I just took some more..." I explained. I meant emotional pain but you never tell another man that, he'd think you're loony although I guess the pharmacist thought I was a nut already.
"Right, well you just about killed yourself, luckily you were extremely dehydrated and managed to faint otherwise we would have never known and you would have sustained irreversible liver damage."
"Great!" I mumbled sarcastically.
"Alright we need to get this into you, it's called Acetylcytene and it gets rid of all the toxin the paracetamol has produced in your body and to make sure you don't faint on us again here's some lovely re-hydration fluid, taste like crap but you'll live..."
He could have blabbed on for ages, personally I didn't care what they were gonna do to me, anything to fix this headache.
Having some weird looking fluid pump through your body wasn't as easy as I thought it was, stupid stuff made me sick and yet I still had to eat 'cause apparently I'd starved myself for the past 4 days and I was at risk of just curling up and dying so I had to put up with it. The hard part had to be the 20 hours I'd spend in this place having the damn fluid pumped through me...at least I got to miss work.
I heard the door open and so I opened my eyes, it was Lillie she must have been the triage nurse. She was coming to tell me how stupid I was I guess, everybody else was!
"Hey Evan!" She smiled graciously and sat down next to me.
"Hey" I mumbled back and managed a half smile.
"You don't look too good..." she started I cut her off though.
"Something to do with Panadol, bloody pharmacist!" I mumbled back angrily.
"Oh no, you got the lecture from John?" she smiled and looked like she felt sorry for me. "He's a bit of a bastard at times but a real good pharmacist at that."
"Don't tell me he's like that all the time?" I asked a tad surprised.
"Yeah, you should see the lectures we nurses get when a student nurse accidentally gets the dosage wrong. Insensitive moron thinks we can't make mistakes!" she chuckled but looked over to see that I wasn't smiling. "I'm umm...just going to have lunch but I popped over to see if everything's okay. I mean is there a reason you took so much Panadol?"
"Oh not you too!" I whinged back to her, indicating I had endured enough questions for the day. She ignored me though and proceeded her interrogation.
"Is something wrong with Tess?" she asked concerned.
"Besides nearly throwing herself of a cliff today she's fine!" I almost whispered hoping Lil would get the hint that everything wasn't okay.
"Did you manage to talk her round?" asked Lillie quite concerned.
"Sorta but it's more that fact that she couldn't do it. I don't think I would have been able to convince her if she really wanted to..."
"What do you suppose made her want to jump?" she asked calmly.
"Me! I told her I didn't love her, I didn't mean it though...she must have taken it literally. I just want the old Tess back, the one I'm in love with!"
I wouldn't have thought I'd bare my soul to a nurse I'd just met two times but she had this way of getting things outta me. I guess she was in the right profession.
"Here, I'll give you things from her point of view...She's lost a very important person in her life, her baby girl and unfortunately she became one of the few that couldn't pick themselves up again. She thinks she doesn't have anything to live for and she looks for all the evidence that suggests she doesn't...like you telling her you didn't love her, you mightn't have meant it but for her it was just another reason to go jump off that cliff. You gotta understand you mean more than you think to Tess, she wants your support and when she doesn't get it she think that death is the only option...don't let her think that Evan. You might have to wait a long while before the old Tess comes back but love this Tess for awhile..."
"This Tess is a bit hard to love..." I said.
"Just try. And make sure you look after yourself too...worrying about someone so much isn't too good for you..." Lillie looked at her watch briefly before she finished.
"Oh look I gotta go have lunch but you hang in there alright Jonesy? And remember she didn't jump off that cliff, that's a good sign!" she smiled before she left and I went back to feeling that drug pump through me, like I was before.
Wise words they were. "...make sure you look after yourself..." If only Lil mentioned to tell that to Tess but then Tess wouldn't listen anyway, she has this brilliant way of only wanting to hear what she wants to. I don't know how I'd bring myself to cope with her but I had to try didn't I? I care about her.
I felt something warm on my forehead. I opened my eyes and saw Tess looking down at me, her hand on my forehead.
"Tess?" I almost whispered. She hadn't come to visit for the last 5 hours and I thought she'd forgotten.
"Hey, sorry I woke you..." she apologised her hand brushing through my hair.
"Nah it's fine, can't sleep much anyway." She smiled when I told her that. I hadn't seen her smile in ages.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, her soothing voice sounded guilty.
"Tired I guess..." Couldn't tell her I felt like shit now could I? Tess sighed and looked away for a brief second.
"I'm sorry..." Tess sounded sad. "...if it weren't for me you wouldn't be here, so I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to worry about me so much, in fact don't worry about me..."
"Easier said than done Tessy, I'm always gonna worry about you…" I don't think that helped, Tess looked even guiltier.
"Better let you get some sleep." she noticed how tired I sounded. And pulled the hospital blanket over me, the one I managed to fling to the other side of my bed. She tucked me in before leaning over to kiss my forehead. I loved it when she did that.
"Try and go to sleep hey? Can't see you miss too much work..." She smiled; I didn't think she was joking. I smiled back and she stroked my forehead again.
"Sweet dreams Evan..."
"Thanks, I could do with some." I smiled before I closed my eyes and she left.