Chapter Fifteen

Thump, thump, thump, Luka jolted awake at the unexpected sound of someone knocking on his door. He got up slowly and stumbled towards the door, still feeling a little tipsy from the night before.

"Susan?" He said amazed to see his boss outside his door.

Luka stepped aside to let Susan into the apartment and she walked in. The first thing that struck her was the strong smell of alcohol, so strong she wanted to gag. Resisting the urge to cover her face to keep out the smell, she turned around to face Luka. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess and he looked like he could barely stand.

"What are you doing here?" Luka asked.

"I was worried about you," she answered truthfully, "you didn't come into work yesterday and after the talk we had the day before that I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm fine; you had no reason to worry." Luka replied a slight growl to his voice, his accent thicker than ever. "So if you don't mind, I have things to do . . ." He gestured towards the door.

"Luka, you are not fine!" Susan wasn't leaving just yet, not after finding out the state he was living in. Looking at him closer, it was obvious that he had lost weight.

"How often have you been getting drunk?"

"I have not been getting drunk," he yelled, "I've barely been drinking alcohol at all."

"This place stinks of drink, don't lie to me. I think you need help."

"I'm fine," Luka responded. His eyes were a dead give away though, they held all the anguish that he wasn't willing to speak out loud.

"Why don't you just go and see her, she'd be really happy to see you." Susan said gently, "If being without her does this to you then you should at least try to fight for her."

"Dr Lewis, I appreciate your concern but really, there is nothing wrong. Now if you don't mind leaving . . ." This time he opened the door and waited for her to leave.

Susan took the hint, Luka never called her 'Dr Lewis', it was clear that she wasn't going to get through to him. She hesitated before leaving; she hated to see what his life had become and wished there was something she could do. She knew that she couldn't help him until he asked to be helped; all she could do was stand back and watch. It seemed crazy that both Sam and Luka wouldn't try to fix things when they were both so wretched without each other. Love really did make you do crazy things, she hoped her and Chuck never got like that.

Going out the door, she got one last glance at Luka before he closed the door in her face. Shaking her head she slipped an envelope under his door. Walking away she couldn't help but think that there was more that she should have done.

Luka frowned, he was fully sober now and all the pain was coming back to him. Looking down at the floor he saw a white envelope had been pushed under his door. He bent down and picked it up. On opening it he saw that it was a picture of him and Sam, it had been taken at the Christmas party last year. The picture had been taken without them realising, they were standing with their arms wrapped around each other, talking quietly, their love for each other captured in the looks the were giving each other.

He threw the picture and the envelope down on the coffee table. When they hit the table, Luka saw that there was another picture inside the envelope, he hadn't noticed it before. This one wasn't a picture of him and Sam however, it was an ultrasound. Picking it up he just knew that it was his daughter, a more recent scan of her; he could see that she had gotten bigger. He just stood there in his apartment, staring at his unborn child and let the tears fall freely down his face.

Sam watched as Steve played on the playstation with Alex. Alex hadn't stopped smiling since his dad had come back two days ago, it was the only reason she had let Steve stay. For the past two nights she had Alex sleep in her bed with her, there was something about the way that Steve looked at her that was unsettling.

Alex was the one who had brought Steve here, he had admitted that. Sam wasn't angry, she wasn't anything, and she just went about her days in a sort of numb state. She felt nothing, no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no fear; it made her feel as though she wasn't really living at all. Sometimes, like now watching Steve and Alex, she felt like she was watching the world from behind a glass wall. That the rest of the world was really far away, and there was nothing she could do to be part of it again.

She had cut herself again last night; she just had to know if she really was alive, if she really could feel something, anything. The guilt was there, a slight stab of guilt would go through her from time to time, she was pregnant, and she really shouldn't be harming herself like that. She knew that she needed help, but asking for help was never one of her strong points.

Carter had continued calling her every day, checking up to make sure they were still alive, that the house hadn't fallen down around them. Every time he asked how she was, she would immediately answer, 'fine'. She sounded convincing, even to herself, but being able to lie about how she was doing was not going to help her.

The baby kicked, and she put her arm around her stomach protectively. She'd have to stop, for her daughter and Alex's sake if nothing else. They both deserved a functioning mother, considering that neither had a father who was consistently there.

Steve stopped playing and turned around to see Sam watching him from the doorway. In his mind he could see her the way he saw her for the first time, she was working in the ice-cream parlour. He had been struck by this innocent and pure creature, that truly looked like she had come from heaven, of course he was a little drunk at the time. But the next time he saw her, he was sober and he stuck to his first impressions. There was a slight far off look in her eyes, some trouble, some worry that just came out in her eyes. That's what had attracted him to her, this fifteen year old angel, with a smile that could light up any room. No girl had ever effected him like that, despite what people may think he wasn't just some creepy twenty-three year old who preyed on teenage girls. He really did feel for her.

Looking at her now, he saw that the innocence and purity that she had possessed was now gone, and he knew that a lot of that was his fault. The look in her eyes was the same; it seemed that she carried all her troubles in her eyes. She was still as beautiful as ever, and her smile could still light up a room. He hadn't taken that away from her. What he would give to have her smile at him like that again, when they had been first dating he had lived for that smile, he would have done anything for that smile. Unfortunately, there was something worth more to him then her, and that was alcohol and drugs. By the time he met Sam he wasn't as bad as he would become, he was never violent towards her then. Things changed though, and he got more and more addicted. Sam got pregnant and he ran, ran because he couldn't face things, ran because instinctively he knew he had to leave before he really hurt Sam, and that was something he wanted to avoid. As the years went by, the drugs took control of his brain and all the feelings he had once had for her disappeared, lost in his drugged out state.

Seeing her now, he felt a slight ache in his heart. Somewhere deep down he did really love Sam, wanted the best for her, and he realised that he wasn't able to provide that. He quickly pushed these feelings away, as far away as he possibly could.

Alex looked at his mom and then his dad, they were both watching each other, and they were both lost in thought. In his young mind, he took it to be a good thing. That they were going to get back together. That they would be a family again. It's all he ever wanted, to have a mom and a dad who lived together and didn't fight. So far his parents hadn't been fighting; his mom didn't get angry at his dad for never paying child support, or about any of the usual stuff. Things seemed to be looking up.

"Sam, I have some good news," Steve said getting up and walking over to her.

"What?" Sam sighed she had learned never to think positive when Steve said things like that.

"I found a place to live, a friend of mine is going to let me stay with him."

"That's great Steve," Sam replied faking a smile.

"NO," Alex yelled, "Why does dad have to go? Why can't he stay here? Mom, tell him to stay here." He knew that if he had both parents under one roof, it would be easier for him to push them together.

"It's not your mom's house," Steve answered, "and it's not right for me to take advantage of this Carter guy's charity. But we'll still see each other all the time, I promise."

Both Sam and Alex frowned, if only he hadn't said that word, promise. They had both lost count of how many promises Steve had broken. Now, they pretty much knew that if Steve promised something then he was never going to do it.

Alex smiled and said, "Okay," knowing that it's what his father expected. He then turned his attention back to the TV and the playstation.

Sam was leaning against the wall, hoping that Steve didn't hurt Alex too much this time. Steve had other things on his mind, and he leaned in towards her. He planted a quick kiss on her lips and then bent slightly so he was able to kiss her neck. Sam took a deep breath, even with Steve kissing her, his hands running under her shirt, she still felt numb.

"I have to go to work," she said her voice empty. It was all she could manage to say. She could feel tears burning her eyes, tears that were falling for the massive hole that was inside her. Tears that were falling because she felt numb, falling because more than anything she just wanted to feel alive, she just wanted to feel.

Luka stood outside the building, the night sky above him; he took one last swig from the beer and threw the empty can on the ground. Walking up the front steps he steadied himself before going in. He stepped inside and up to her room. She opened the door and let him in; she had been waiting for him. Closing the door behind him she went and lay down on the bed waiting for him to make the first move. She seemed shy almost, but that was probably an act, everything with her was an act. She didn't say a word, just waited for him, her blonde curly hair spread over her shoulders. That's why he choose her in the first place, she reminded him of his Sam.

His Sam? He must have drunk more than he thought. He just hoped he wasn't so drunk that he wouldn't be able to go through with this. It would be a complete waste of his money if he wasn't able to actually sleep with her, and as hookers went she was expensive enough.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all of my childish fears

Sam came home from work, she was so exhausted, it had been really busy in the ER. All she wanted to do was go to bed. The house was quiet; she guessed that Alex was asleep. Not caring where Steve was she went up to her room.

Entering it she saw that Steve was in there, waiting for her it would seem. She cursed herself for not insisting that Alex sleep in her bed again. Steve came up to her, she could see that he was high, his eyes were dilated and there was a tiny spot of white powder under his nose. He grabbed her roughly; his hands on her upper arms, and kissed her. She winced in pain, his hands were holding onto her as if his life depended on it. He didn't have to speak for her to know what he was after, and she shuddered at the thought.

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because you're presence still lingers here

And it won't leave you alone

Luka took off his shirt and shoes and joined the woman on the bed. He had been going to her for some time now, yet he didn't know her name. He didn't need to know her name, it wasn't important. It's not like they were dating or anything.

He was just getting on the bed when she pinned him to it, and started making her way down his chest, kissing and nibbling every inch of skin as she went. Luka closed his eyes in pleasure; the woman really knew how to do her job. The only problem was that she wasn't Sam.

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Sam was pushed up against the wall, Steve's hands running all over her, his mouth on hers. He pushed her farther up against the wall, she could barely move under his weight. The only thought she had was for her baby, he was pressing too hard against her stomach. She tried to fight him off, put he just pushed her harder. In the end she knew that she wasn't going to win, he wasn't going to give up.

Instead of fighting, she just gave in and started kissing him back and pulling at his shirt. The sooner they got started, the sooner it would be over, she knew that. It was always the same when he was high, he never lasted long.

Steve got the message, and he pulled her towards the bed. Once there he sat her down and quickly took his clothes off before undressing her. Sam shuddered as he slid her shirt over her head; she closed her eyes and pushed all of her thoughts out of her head. It was easier if she just didn't think.

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Luka ran his hand through her hair; it wasn't as soft as Sam's had been. He closed his eyes and imagined that it was her that he was with, her body that was underneath his. He let everything go, and just focused in the pleasure of the moment. He found himself calling out Sam's name.

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Sam closed her eyes as Steve entered her. He wasn't gentle; the whole process was almost painful. But then, it usually was when Steve was in this state. Opening her eyes she saw how much he was enjoying himself. It was too much; she had to close her eyes again. She couldn't bear to look at him. It was one of those times that she was glad to be numb, glad that she didn't have to deal with her feelings right then.

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

When Luka was finished he got up from the bed. He got dressed without looking at the woman who he knew was watching him. Throwing the money down on the bed, he made another appointment and left.

Walking home, he couldn't help but think of Sam. He missed her with every once of his being. Even alcohol wasn't enough to make him forget sometimes.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

Lying in bed with Steve asleep, his body mostly on top of hers, her mind wandered. Touching her stomach, she apologised to her daughter and silently told her that she had a better dad. He just didn't want to be with them. She could remember everything about Luka, and she missed it all, she missed everything about him and nothing could wipe the pain away.

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Both of them fell asleep that night thinking of each other. Even though they had left each other's lives, didn't see each other any more, a piece of them was with the other, waiting for the return. Waiting for the time when they would be whole again.

But you still have all of me

TBC

Song is My Immortal by Evanescene