Hums happily Well, well friends this is the second last chapter (well essentially it's the last chapter but second last in a sense) and I'm incredibly excited because there's only one more to go and then I won't have to infest you with my terrible depressiveness! beams This one's nice a bit predictable but very warm and fuzzy…oh and before you go ahead and read it I'd just like to mention…reviews are nice…really they are! Thanks to all those who have already reviewed!
This one's nice and short so ENJOY while it lasts!
To Paula: Yep only one now! So make the most of it! He he good to see you around by the way, you wouldn't happen to be a budding fic writer? I'd love to read some of yours!
To Paige: blushes Oh yes definitely Catholic but innocent? You'd think I'd be more ignorant than anything…he he. It's very uncatholic of me to write about suicide (which I totally don't condone by the way! I guess I should have written that somewhere…) but it'd explain why she didn't jump! Love your reviews, as always Paige and yup I definitely agree…Brindy rocks! big compliment! Oh and I have read that All Saints one of yours…I'm shocked but intrigued at the very same time, marvellous it was!
To olliew: Hey olliew! I haven't see you around before, smiles you must be new! Thanks for the lovely comment I greatly appreciate those! And I'm glad you can't wait till the next chapter…neither can I to be honest! Hope to see you around more often!
Disclaimer: no, not mine. Nothing's mine…got it?
Thursday: The day you went away
The sun shone ochre through the brilliant stained glass panels, its magnificent golden light descended through the air, catching all the little particles of dust within it, making them gleam like silver glitter.
The pink coloured smell of incense filled the air and its woody aroma hid it's self in the gloomy grey stone walls and the softly grey smoke evaporated into the densely thick air.
The angelic peace made me feel welcome, a place I hardly visited feeling so reliably warm and comforting even when it's stark grey and thick cold walls surrounded me.
The organ played such a familiar tune, my ears almost laughed at the sheer joy it brought and the mystical golden yellow harmony of the song was euphoric...
Feeling the sweat run down my palms in gentle slow streams, the cuffs of my suit brushed deep lines into my wrists, the feel of synthetic whatever material grainy against my skin. My shoes dug valleys in the soft, short-haired, dark green carpet, embedding their soles into it, my feet felt like they weren't there though…stifled numbness I suppose.
Shoes felt like army steel, heavy and dark and the light reflecting off them made my eyes water...or were they doing that by themselves?
The deep golden wooden pews in front of me reeked of lacquer and their cold emptiness made me think I shouldn't be here. Why was I here?
My overpowering aftershave sent the candles to sleep and their eerie smoke danced in the ochre light...Is there something I'm missing?
The carefully accented tune of the organ was long gone and the open door made the silky white wind blow over the bronze floorboards, still bronze in the leftover light from the sickly candles.
I turned to look at the man in white beside me who somehow managed to appear from thin air, the ominous radiant glow of dazzling gold around him somehow scared me and his deep crusty leather shoes ate into the floorboards making one squeak as he rocked on the balls of his feet; his elegant white gown following in harmonised rhythm.
He stopped and looked at me a while, the washy grey in his eyes looked sad and his pale white face reflected the colour of his scrawny white hair.
He creased his brow and took a deep breath, moments passed; he pulled up his flowing sleeve to look at the dark golden watch on the small black leather band. His eyes widened, he sighed making the floorboard creak again one last time with his obnoxious gentle swaying.
I turned to look at the golden light through the stained glass but it had turned a musty brown, gone I suppose, just like the sun; only the gentle glimmer of the water coloured red sky was left.
I heard the raspy sound of the man in white draw breath.
"I don't think she's coming..." said the man, standing still while he spoke then climbing the gentle wooden stairs of the sanctuary and placing the dark leather bound book on the crisp white cloth that adorned the alter. I heard it thud, heavy book it was, the deep almond ribbon buckled out as book's page slightly opened.
"Who's not coming?" I asked confused, the sweat dripped off my fingers onto the carpet, staining it with its salty taste.
"Tess" The man said clearly, the aged sound in his voice gave no hint that he was sad.
As he folded the white sheet into a neat cube I stood motionless, waiting for whatever it is that I was waiting meant to be waiting for. 'Tess?' I thought 'Was I expecting Tess?' It didn't make any sense, nothing made sense.
I looked at the smoke dance again as the man blew the cheerful life out of the flames that once sat pretty on two candles; the sudden sound of wooden footsteps caught my attention.
"Mate? She isn't comin' Maybe you should go home?" The familiar husky voice that was PJ's floated through the dim light.
"What do you mean?" I asked more confused than anything, PJ didn't read it that way. His distant voice made way through thick darkness again.
"Don't think she wants to get married, Mate..." PJ sounded forlorn.
'Married?' I thought to myself, 'Was I getting married?'
The man in white held a golden platter in front of me, the light in the church made yellow circles on its surface.
"I think these are yours..." the man pointed to the simple wedding bands sitting gracefully on the plate, almost camouflaged in gold.
I picked them up letting them slide down the tip of my index finger to sit on my knuckle. Looking deeply I saw the shadows of the dark reflect of its surface and the distant glow of long turned off lights...
I opened my eyes and saw the familiar grey that was my ceiling. My sheets kept in the warmth that radiated from me and I felt hot and sticky.
If those bloody dreams weren't morbid they had to be cryptic didn't they?
I rubbed my eyes hard with my hand and my chest heavy from exhausted breathing drew the last tiresome deep breaths I needed. My head in the meantime ached of the savage pain that ripped through it. I still hurt.
I burrowed deeper into my soft duck down pillow that usually just moulded to the shape of my head anyway; it was easy to hide in those things, like half wet clay it could consume you entirely.
Tess must have heard my silent frustration because I felt a warm palm on my chest. She slid up next to me taking her other hand to feel my forehead, she was satisfied that it wasn't too warm. She pressed her nose against my cheek gently and after taking a moment's pause kissed my temple warmly. I smiled almost silently.
"Bad dream?" she asked, she knew they kept me up most nights. I nodded and she sighed, stroking my forehead so daintily I could hardly feel it.
Closing my eyes I couldn't force myself to fall asleep, not this time; something else clouded my usually empty, restful mind.
My dream in life was something I could never picture; I knew what I wanted, didn't know how to get it or how to avoid the inevitable stumbling blocks I'd encounter on my journey.
I didn't think it'd be treacherous and draining both physically and emotionally. Emotion? Yeah I'm a man, I'm not meant to be emotional, not meant to let anyone see that I am anyway, it's probably what made this dream so painfully long and tiring, the fact that I couldn't have anyone to confide in.
So what was my dream? As hopelessly stupid as it might sound, it was just to have a family. It didn't have to be a perfect one, it could have as many flaws as it wanted, I just wanted somebody to be there for, someone to love and cherish and I only wanted that with one woman.
A little house in Mt. Thomas, a tribe of kids, my beautiful wife, two dogs and a cat and a goldfish in a little round bowl. It didn't seem that impossible!
Watching Tess fall asleep once again so angelically; a sudden thought cursed me. I didn't think much of dreams really, just one was the way your brain sorts out all the chaotic thought that rushes through it unnoticed and disregarded during the day. But this dream really made me think.
I could never imagine my life any other way then what I pictured it to be; I wanted to be with Tess but what if she didn't want to be with me? I mentally slapped myself for that comment, 'Of course she wants to be with me! She loves me!' I told myself but why did it sound so hopeless?
Blazing pink from the harsh morning sun burnt across the back of my eyelids, it was morning...fantastic! I only got what...5 hours sleep? Sometimes I wish there were days where I could ram myself into a wall, knock myself unconscious and stay that way for a good long time. Not this day though.
My faithful alarm clock managed to sleep in as it's usual inconsiderate beeping wasn't blaring throughout my head telling me that I only had 20mins until I was significantly late. I turned around to see why it didn't ring...something it does every morning without fail.
Had to make sure I turned around softly though, so I wouldn't wake Tess but looking at where she should have been it didn't really matter, she was already gone and if weren't for her sweet smell that still stayed on my pillow I would have thought it was just all a dream.
Why did she have to do that? Run away when everything was just so perfect...well close to perfect? I sighed; it was something I guessed I'd have to learn to live with.
I didn't have the guts to look at the faded red numbers on my alarm clock but I made myself look anyway, the smooth porcelain white plate caught my eyes first though and the happy, thick slice of creamy rich chocolate cake made me smile.
She'd left a yellow post-it note stuck carefully to the edge of the plate so it just stuck out from under the bottom happily.
"Thanks for everything!" it said in jubilant capitals that shook a bit on the ends and although I didn't really know what she meant I smiled anyway. Kinda made my day that note did.
There was that strange feeling of winter crispness when I entered the station, our heater broke down and although it'd been bucketing rain outside I couldn't have felt better.
"Good Morning!" I chimed happily as I slung through the door dumping my jacket on the mess of papers that covered my desk.
"Mornin'..." The gloomy, dreary mumble from the pale, lifeless Alex made me grin, couldn't help that grin; had a mind of it own!
"What's so good about it?" asked an equally disturbed Joss whose arms crossed over his body gently but his hands clutched a vengeful grip on his arms, the scarf pulled up just over his nose told me he was hardly content.
"Where's the Sarge?" I asked once I sat down and had a good look at what the time was. The Boss hid in his office the CI's in theirs and the mundane Thursday morning felt vaguely different somehow.
"Haven't you heard?" asked PJ walking past, I turned to look at him and he gazed somewhat curiously at me, "She's taken her leave early this year, gone to Melbourne from the sounds of it..." he didn't get to finish what he wanted to before my head hit the desk in petrified anger. I sighed.
"I'm going to get the lunches!" I called out getting up from my desk and looking behind me to get the usual nod of approval. 'She had to go out of her way to do this to me didn't she?' I thought as my feet shuffled along the footpath, suddenly everything had to feel cold; I picked up my pace to keep myself warm.
Walking into the warmly heated pub I was greeted by the effervescent Chris.
"Good Morning Jonesy!" she smiled warmly, hardly what I needed right now.
"Is it?" I answered, whatever I said about feeling wonderful today I take back, it's a disgusting cold and grey morning and I wish I never woke up!
Chris smiled at me a little while I just stood in silence and she searched for where ever it was that Sam put the lunches. Handing me the heavy cardboard box she felt my bitter anxious anger, she made one good attempt at lifting my spirits.
"Before you go there's someone to wants to see you..." she smiled cheekily and I had to look at her cautiously. She tilted her head towards the stairs and I left the lunches with her.
There she stood, half leaning against the banister; she looked incredibly weak, I mustn't have realised it before. Her pale, tired face and her thin worn out body told me how incredibly exhausted she must have felt. The brilliant sky blue in her eyes didn't dim though, they shined every brightly and happily smiled when her gaze met with mine.
"Figured, you'd get the lunches..." she said simply, nervously tugging at the stitching in her jeans with the hand that didn't grip tight to the rail. She smiled hopefully at my concerned face.
"You can't go..." I said keeping my distance from her, didn't want to get too close, it'd be harder for me to let go.
Tess tilted her head slightly and her happy eyes turned sad, on her face was that genuine expression of concern. She walked up to me slowly and stood only half a metre or so from me, just enough to be able to reach out and hold my hand.
"Think I better go really, you know how you said I didn't give myself the time to grieve? Yeah well you were right, I tried to forget it all but I don't want to do that anymore." she sighed and her hand slid up my arm and she rubbed it gently to make me feel a little more comfortable.
I couldn't let her go though; I was too scared to; what if she starts hurting herself again? I won't be there to stop it...no one will! Can't just let her walk away like that!
"What if I go with you?" I asked; that steady discomfort rang in my voice. If she had to go, she'd go with me, that way she'd be alright. But she only shook her head and I sighed.
"I gotta get away from all of this Evan; clear my head a bit..."
"You need to get away from me?" I asked not letting her finish what she wanted to say. I sounded angry; I didn't want to be but she always did that, always ran off like that!
"Yeah..." Tess almost whispered not looking at me when she did. I felt overwhelming helpless, like in my dream, lost and confused. Why did I ever let myself believe that she'd wanna be with me? She obviously didn't, I had to set myself up to just get hurt again didn't I?
I let go of Tess' hand and she looked a little worried, stepping forward a little more she wound her arms around my neck and whispered into my ear.
"Hey...It'll be for the best..." she tried to reason, one of Tessy's hands made their way down my back and she held me a little. I felt so stupid; it brought me back to the first time she left me. I knew that when Tess made up her mind no one could ever change it for her. I had to stand there and watch her walk out of my life once and all those months I spent pining after her was hell! I didn't wanna go through that again! Looks like I had to.
"You can't just leave like this Tessy, after everything we've been through..." I don't know why I said that, we hadn't really been through anything really, just loved her I suppose but I always did.
"I'm not leaving you Evan! Just need to get away for a little while, I thought you of all people would understand, you seem to understand...hey besides, it'll give me a chance to give these antidepressants a real go!" she smiled and looked back at her suitcase that stood near the stairs.
"You got enough?" I asked anxiously, knowing Tess she might not have packed them at all.
"Think I've got a life time's supply!" Tess smiled at my concern knowing that as much as she'd try to stop me, I'd never stop worrying about her.
"It'll do me some good to get away, plus you'll get the old Tess back, the one you love so much..." she smiled before she said the next bit, "...You'll get to marry her too." Tess watched my eyes light up.
"So that's a 'yes'?" I asked a little unsure, yet hoping to God that she'd say yes, all I ever wanted was Tess.
"Can't pretend I can do this all on my own anymore..." she didn't answer my question, she kept me in suspense. "You were right; I do need someone to look after me Evan...I need you." I grinned stupidly at Tess and she smiled at me candidly. "You do still wanna marry me yeah?" she asked a little concerned at my speechlessness.
I wrapt my arms around her in a tight embrace and picked her up off the floor and spun her around, letting everything this around us blur into coloured mush. When I put back on floor she looked at me in puzzled wonder.
"Yeah, I'd be honoured to Tessy, I love you! Always wanted to marry you..." I almost whispered that last bit.
Tess went a little red and looked up at me shyly.
"I love you too; I have for a very long time." Tess wrapt her arms around my neck and kissed me but only for a second, she checked her watch and sighed.
"I better get goin', got a long drive ahead of me." she let go of me and went to pick up her suitcase. I grabbed her wrist just before she did.
"Hey, not so fast..." I said softly, I stopped Tess dead in her tracks. "Look after yourself hey?" I told her earnestly. Tessy smiled a little but somehow looked awfully sad.
"I'll try." was the best she could give me.
"Tessy I mean it!" I said a little more seriously, seeing that glow of deep recognition in Tessy's eyes I think she understood. I rubbed Tess' arm with my hand and she looked down to the floor; that hopeless feeling that Tess would never get better stung me bitterly. It hurt Tess too. Tess still managed a smile though and headed for her suitcase again.
"I'll get that for you..." I offered, Tess gave in knowing that she'd never haul it to her car on her own, it never ceased to amaze me how much women could pack into one small suitcase.
Slamming the car boot down Tess managed a quick hug before she sat down in the driver's seat. I stood on the kerb and somehow felt mysteriously overjoyed...don't know why really, I was petrified to leave Tess, I couldn't bare to not know what she was doing, how she felt...my stupid concern was more paranoia than anything; I had to let Tess go because I wanted her to know that I trusted her, whether she was on the brink of suicide or not.
"Call me when you get there!" I shouted to Tess through her thick window glass. She nodded in response and waved before the engine made its usual choky start and before I knew it her car was just a mere spot in the distance.
"Well?" Chris beamed of excitement when I re-entered the bar a massively huge smile plastered on my face from ear to ear. I raised my eyebrows and Chris look puzzled.
"Well I'm getting married aren't I?" I told her and she nearly screamed of excitement passing me a beer she'd already had made for what look like a while but she knew it had to sit in the fridge 'till after my shift was over.
"Told you everything would turn out just fine!" Chris smiled to herself and handed me back the box of lunches that I left with her what seemed like only minutes ago. Somehow I had a sneaking suspicion Chris knew more than she first let on but it didn't matter; not now anyway...you know what? I take back what I said about it being a pathetically gloomy day, even if the sun's hiding and it's basically raining cats and dogs...an amazingly wonderful feeling filled my whole body like an adrenaline rush but a thousand times better, it made me sick and dizzy but I knew that it'd stay with me forever.
Aww...he he! Now just thought I might ask you guys, the last chapter's more of an epilogue would you rather that be the last chapter or this one? You know what I'll write one anyway...any ideas anyone?