The Aggravation of the Archaeologist
by Cleo the Muse
Rating: Teens
Genre: General, Humor, Missing Scene/Epilogue
Warnings: Gratuitous Tok'ra-bashing, mild sexual innuendo. References to Looney Tunes, MASH, Farscape, A Prairie Home Companion, Star Wars, and The Honeymooners, in that order!
Episodes: Missing scene for "Avalon, Part One". Contains major spoilers for "Avalon, Part One" and "Prometheus Unbound".
Synopsis: Picks up where the series "The Thief" leaves off. Vala's found the perfect place, the perfect bait, and the perfect hook for fishing, but why can't she catch one reluctant archaeologist?

The Aggravation of the Archaeologist

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

-- Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest

Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell felt like a kid in a candy store. He wasn't the bird that got the worm, nor was he the mouse who'd gotten the cheese... he was the cat who'd caught both the canary and the mouse, just by hanging in there and working hard. So why did he feel suspiciously like the canary and mouse were Tweety Bird and Speedy Gonzales, and he was Sylvester? He'd gotten everything he'd wanted, then had Granny take it all away.

Wow, Looney Tunes metaphors? Gee, Cam, how 'bout a little more whine with your cheese?

Ever since the newly-minted General O'Neill had offered him the posting of his choice, Cameron had put all his effort into landing a spot on the premiere front-lines team, SG-1. Wasn't this his chance to join the ranks of living legends? Rub elbows with the lovely and talented Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, the only Air Force officer to blow up a sun? Talk history with the brilliant Doctor Daniel Jackson, the man who had returned from the dead more times than most people changed their motor oil? Engage in a little light sparring with the enigmatic Teal'c, the Jaffa who had overcome over two thousand years of indoctrination to teach his people that the Goa'uld were false gods?

No sooner had he gotten his walking papers--good pun there, Cam--from the hospital, than he'd been handed his immediate transfer to Cheyenne Mountain and the SGC. Not just to join SG-1, which would have been fine by him, but to lead SG-1. General O'Neill had actually given him command of the flagship team!

But, oh, what a cruel joke he'd been played! "SG-1" was just two letters and a number without the people who'd made it into an interstellar legend by repeatedly defeating the Goa'uld despite overwhelming odds. To even pretend to lead a team under that same name which didn't include at least one of the original four was just asking for trouble. None were available, though, as General O'Neill had taken the promotion and move to Washington, Sam had switched jobs to lighten her workload and help one of Earth's resident aliens get through a hard time, Daniel had accepted Doctor Elizabeth Weir's offer to join the Atlantis expedition, and Teal'c had resigned his post to help in the formation of the new Jaffa nation. Even Jonas Quinn--the one-time team member from the planet Langara--was up to his eyebrows in politics, research, politics, and more politics on his own homeworld.

At least the mess hall makes really good red Jell-O, he sighed to himself, dropping his head into his hands and massaging his temples.

"Hey, even the military would have to work really hard to ruin Jell-O," a voice offered.

Startled, he looked up, noting the white lab coat and lack of uniform of one of the SGC's many civilian scientists. "What?"

The dark-haired woman smiled, setting down her tray and offering her hand. "We haven't met, yet. Doctor Carolyn Lam, base CMO. I just got here this morning."

"Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, SG-1," he replied, shaking her hand. He really liked the way that rolled off his tongue. "I didn't realize I said that out loud. I guess I have a bit of a habit of talking to myself."

"Doctor-patient confidentiality... your secret is safe with me," Doctor Lam smiled, grabbing the seat across from him and sitting down. "Now, commenting on Jell-O is one thing, but one of the nurses warned me that joking about the taste of chicken has been strictly forbidden at the SGC."

"Why?"

"She wouldn't say, but did tell me it has something to do with your team," she answered cryptically.

"Oh, no, my 'team' right now is SG-Party-of-One. The real SG-1 flew the coop, and I got stuck with an empty nest."

"Not what you were expecting?"

He laughed shortly. "Not hardly."

"Well, join the club," Doctor Lam answered, swallowing a forkful of something which looked vaguely vegetable-like. "You're not the only one who got handed a big, hefty surprise. Now, I won't go into detail on it, but suffice to say if I'd known who I'd be working with, I'd have told General O'Neill where to put his job offer. Instead, I'm locked into two-year contract."

The colonel blinked. "Ouch. Sounds like we both got hood-winked," he agreed. "Jackson's leaving for another galaxy, Teal'c's living on another planet, and nothing short of direct orders from the President or General O'Neill is gonna get Sam Carter back from Area 51. Instead, I gotta pick my new team from scratch."

An SF approached and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Colonel, but you're needed in the 'Gate room."

"Thank you, Airman," Cameron acknowledged, scooping up the last cube of Jell-O. "Duty calls," he smiled to the pretty physician.

"I hope you get the team you want," she replied.

"Well I am an optimistic guy," he called over his shoulder as he dropped his empty dish off on the tray by the door.

Resisting the urge to shove his hands in his pockets and stroll through the halls at a leisurely pace, Cameron took the elevator down to Level 28. He entered the 'Gate room just as the event horizon leapt to life, flushing outward before settling into a gently rippling puddle within the naquadah ring. Then, with a screech of metal, the protective shield shut.

That is still too cool, he grinned inwardly. "What's up, sir?"

General Landry, standing at the base of the ramp, looked toward him. "I wanted you here for this. SG-12 sent word five minutes ago... they should be arriving momentarily."

The sergeant Cameron had secretly dubbed Radar O'Reilly announced the reception of the iris deactivation code over the loudspeaker, and the shield ground open, admitting a dark-haired woman walking backwards and two members of SG-12.

The tall woman turned around with a grin. "Well, you all have me surrounded!"

"Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry."

"Vala," she replied. "Vala Mal Doran."

That name sounds familiar, the colonel thought, but he couldn't place it. In his defense, however, his confusion might have been caused by the woman's uncanny resemblance to a former girlfriend of his.

"Thank you all so much for the lovely greeting party," Vala continued brightly. "We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we boys?" Sergeant Emerson could only shake his head slowly, and Sergeant Klopel looked shell-shocked. Cameron tried not to grin.

"I know we haven't met. That I'm sure I would remember."

Startled, Cameron was grateful the general took care of introducing him. "Nice outfit," he managed by way of recovery, eyeing the stressed leather bodice. Garrison Keiler's voice was coming to mind: "Her blouse was so tight, I could count her vertebrae from the front side." He smirked at the thought. Just call me Guy Noir, Private Eye...

Vala twisted. "Thanks!" Brushing past him as though she owned the place, she surveyed the 'Gate room critically while ignoring the weapons trained on her. "While I'd normally be thrilled to have so much testosterone at my disposal, where's my Daniel?"

My Daniel? Now, why does she think-- He cut off that thought abruptly, closing his eyes in sudden realization.

Throughout his recovery and physical therapy, Cameron had kept himself apprised of all missions carried out by his former squadron and the Prometheus. He remembered reading the mission report of the abbreviated attempt to reach the Pegasus Galaxy only a few months back, and having felt embarassed for his friends and colleagues aboard the Prometheus for having been so easily routed from their own ship. While he achieved a certain smug satisfaction in knowing that one of his SG-1 heroes had been largely responsible for the ship's relatively safe recovery, the fallout from the failed mission had been extremely nasty and prolonged for his friends among the crew.

"Uh, right," he began. "Why don't you follow me?"

They trailed out of the 'Gate room and up the stairs past the control room. Reaching the briefing room, the beleaguered Sergeant Klopel placed a large metal case on the table before he and Emerson beat a hasty retreat. Cameron grabbed a seat on the opposite side of the table, and within moments, Doctor Jackson arrived. The alien woman grinned widely when he entered the room.

"Okay, where is it?" Daniel asked without preamble.

Oh, somebody's not happy about having his packing interrupted, Cameron thought, resisting the almost-insatiable urge to grin in triumph.

Vala was clearly unflappable. "Nice to see you, too. How've you been?"

"The tablet. The one that leads to the incredible buried Ancient treasure?"

"There is no tablet."

Cameron blinked. What?

"What?" Daniel echoed aloud.

"I lied... I had to tell you in person," she continued, then lowered her voice to a pseudo-conspiratorial stage-whisper. "I'm pregnant."

What?

Without allowing anyone the chance to respond, she continued, "Pretty sure it's yours anyway, there's at least a one in..." she made a face "...ten chance?" She then winked in Cameron's direction.

What? The colonel got whiplash from snapping his head back. Okay, those two getting down and dirty was not in the mission report! He just as quickly remembered that the many praises sung of Doctor Jackson also included his almost-saintly nobility, much to the perpetual chagrin of the base's many nurses.

Or so the rumor went, anyway.

She's pulling our collective legs!

Apparently, Daniel had had enough, turning to leave the room before being ordered by the departing Landry to take a look at the tablet. Quelling the self-satisfied grin brought about by the archaeologist's palatable frustration, Cameron opened the metal case, allowing Vala to access its contents.

Daniel surveyed the alien text quickly. "Uh... Yep... Don't know where you got this but, uh... you got ripped off." He attempted to return it. "It's complete gibberish."

"It's written in code," Vala protested.

I agree, Cameron thought, peering at the tablet over Daniel's shoulder. It is complete gibberish. And I thought Arabic was bad!

"Well, I can't crack this in a few hours," the linguist pointed out, alluding to his imminent departure for the Pegasus Galaxy.

"I have the cipher."

"Then why do you need me?"

Probably 'cause you can actually read that stuff? He glanced at the dark-haired woman again and instantly recalled yet another little tidbit of SG-1 legend. Or is it for that same indefinable reason all the female nurses and alien women are out to get you? Suddenly, that over-heard piece of lore didn't seem quite as far-fetched now as it had only a few moments earlier.

"Well, reading it is one thing, understanding it is another," Vala pointed out. "The individual I got this from assured me that the treasure it describes is here on Earth. Now, I could have come by ship and looked for it myself, but I know nothing about your fair planet--"

No, only exactly where to find our Alpha Site, exactly the kind of information that would catch the right kind of attention, and exactly which linguist to pick to translate it. Smothering his smirk, Cameron looked at the tablet again, marvelling at the remarkable similarities between the Ancient writing and chicken-scratch.

"--Other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool," she finished.

At the risk of repeating myself... What? Snapping his head up from the tablet, Cameron looked at the woman, then at Daniel. Blue eyes met blue at the same height, short, unruly brown hair on top... He blinked in surprise--noticing Daniel's own similar reaction--then looked at Vala once more. She was unsuccessfully concealing her own amusement.

"Limited gene pool, right," Daniel said testily. "While I'm sure there are a thousand men in Colorado with similar coloring and build, there are thousands more who look entirely different."

"A thousand?" Vala grinned eagerly. "Is there time to meet them all?"

"No!" Jackson protested, eliciting a pout from his opponent. "I have less than twelve hours before I leave for Atlantis... and it should be pointed out that that was exactly where I was headed the last time you wasted my time on one of your little get-rich-quick schemes!"

"Atlantis? Where's that?"

He put the tablet back in the case. "In a galaxy far, far away."

She brightened. "Really? I've never travelled outside the galaxy before. Can I go with you?"

"No!"

Cameron decided to break it up. "Whoa! Hey! Before this little domestic dispute goes any further, can we take it somewhere other than the briefing room? It's a bit public for a knock-down-drag-out, don't you think?"

"Yes, Daniel, why don't we take this to your chambers?" Vala hinted suggestively.

"My chambers are off-limits and--"

"But your lab isn't," Cameron interrupted. "You've practically emptied it out anyway, why not?"

Daniel scowled at him, clearly conveying his displeasure at having the colonel siding against him. "Other than the fact that she's an unscrupulous thief, a liar, and a notorious cheat?"

Vala fisted her hands on her hips. "Just because I stole the tablet from the blathering idiot who found it, doesn't mean--"

"You stole it?" Cameron asked, hearing Daniel's voice along with his own.

She closed her mouth, narrowing her eyes. "Did I say 'stole'?"

"Yes, you did," the colonel replied.

"Oh." She crossed her arms. "And what makes you think I'm a notorious thief, a liar, and an unscrupulous cheat?"

The archaeologist smirked. "That's 'unscrupulous thief' and 'notorious cheat'... and those are the exact words used by the Tok'ra when describing you."

"Those back-stabbing, self-serving, hypocritical worms!" Vala sulked.

"They are, aren't they?" Daniel replied smugly.

Wow, better get the Honeymooners moving, Cameron thought to himself, closing the metal carrying-case with a snap. "Oo-kay! Changing locations, please! Jackson, after you." Gesturing for two of the omnipresent SFs to follow, the strange little troupe of archaeologist, pilot, thief, and guards made their way to the elevator. Squeezing aboard after the doors had finally opened, one of the guards pushed the appropriate floor button to send them all on their way.

"Vala, that's enough," Daniel said after a moment's silence, his face reddening.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"The hand... Move it."

Cameron unsuccessfully stifled a snort as the lift doors opened, the uncomfortable blush all-too-clearly giving the colonel a fair idea where the thief's stray hand had landed. "After you," he offered with a grin.

Daniel got off the elevator, Vala following closely on his heels. "Ah! Back between the guards!" he cried, clearly still embarrassed by her proximity.

The lady's got you rattled, Jackson, Cameron grinned to himself, enjoying the spectacle. Somehow, seeing one of the legendary heroes of the original SG-1 so visibly flustered made him seem more human. Of course, having never been pursued as vigorously as Vala was chasing Daniel, he couldn't relate to the circumstance, but he could certainly understand it... and, more importantly, enjoy it at the archaeologist's expense.

They reached the box-cluttered lab, the two SFs taking up positions at the door as Cameron swung the tablet's case up unto the cleared-off table. "All right!" he grinned, rubbing his hands together. "Let's find out where the pirates hid the booty."

Daniel took a big step away from Vala as she opened her mouth to say something. "Not that kind of booty," he gulped, giving her a glare made less scathing by the flush coloring his cheeks. Her answering grin proved he had guessed in what direction her next comment was going to go, and the colonel found himself stifling a laugh.

As though sensing Cameron's amusement, Daniel's gaze snapped to the colonel. "Don't you have personnel files to review?"

"There's still a spot on my team for a multi-lingual archaeologist who knows how to handle a P-90," he grinned. "Know anybody?"

"Give our planet's 'limited gene pool', I'm sure you can find somebody... I'll even give you a few recommendations."

Cameron shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm just thinkin' you kids need a chaperone."

Clearly not amused, Daniel jerked his thumb toward the guards. "Chaperones, we have. We don't need an audience."

"All right! I can tell when I'm not wanted. Just let me know when you've solved the mystery, will ya?" At Daniel's hesitant nod, Cameron spun about and headed for the door. Pausing just outside the lab, he turned back with a grin. "Hey, Jackson! Have her back before midnight, will ya?"

Vala grinned wickedly as Daniel's mouth opened and closed without a sound. Feeling terribly pleased with himself, Cameron began the leisurely stroll through the halls he'd wanted earlier. Making a slow circuit of the level housing the archaeology labs, he hadn't gotten even half-way around when he began to feel a little remorseful for the way he'd treated Daniel. After all, it was hardly the linguist's fault O'Neill had deliberately misled Cameron about the status of SG-1, and riling him to get back at the general was petty and childish. Heaving a sigh, he passed the elevator and stairwell, making his way back to Daniel's lab.

"Locking me up's not going to do any good," protested the already-familiar voice of the thief. "I'll take it off when you give me what I want!"

Oh, that really doesn't sound PG, Cameron grinned, all thoughts of apologizing for his behavior disappearing.

"Well, you can just forget about it, then! I don't do anything under coercion, and I'm sure--"

"I'm asking for just one favor, not for you to bow down to my every whim... though if you wanted to--"

Cameron peered around the door frame, finding Daniel and Vala arguing nose-to-nose, the SFs having restrained Vala by her arms. "I can't leave you two alone, can I?"

"Apparently not," Daniel agreed hotly, using the interruption as an excuse to step back. "Vala's just proven she requires constant supervision." He rubbed at his right wrist, addressing the guards. "Put her in a holding cell until she's willing to cooperate."

"Yes, Doctor Jackson," the ranking SF acknowledged, hauling the protesting woman out of the lab.

"What was that about?"

Daniel sighed, dropping his glasses on the counter before him. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he held out his right arm. "Apparently, she's decided I need some motivation to find her treasure."

Cameron peered at the bracelet. "Pretty. What is it?"

"She said it had something to do with the Egyptian sky goddess and marriage ceremonies, or something. There aren't any words on it, but it's clearly of Goa'uld design. Whether they actually 'link' the wearers together or not, I'm not wearing this thing to the Pegasus Galaxy." Putting his glasses back on and brushing past Cameron, he headed for the door. "I'm going to see if Doctor Lee has any ideas about how to get it off."

The colonel suddenly remembered why he'd returned to the lab. "Hey, Jackson? Look, about the way I've been acting? I'm sorry if I've been taking out some of my irritation with General O'Neill on you. It's hardly your fault he didn't tell me you, Sam, and Teal'c were leaving, right?"

Daniel sighed. "It's all right, Mitchell. Actually, if Jack were here, he'd be teasing me unmercifully about Vala every chance he got." He shrugged. "I think the only reason he didn't run it into the ground the last time, was 'cause of the Replicator-double incident with Sam." He grinned. "His sense of humor is both the best thing and the worst thing about working with Jack."

"So we're okay?"

"We're okay." He pointed his right thumb over his shoulder, and simultaneously indicated the bracelet with the forefinger of the other hand. "Now I'm going to go see if Bill can get this thing off."

"Right," Cameron acknowledged, joining Daniel on the short walk back to the elevator. "Just because the Goa'uld have been defeated doesn't mean there's not still lots to do in this galaxy... and I'd feel a lot better knowing I had the best people backing me up out there."

"I appreciate it, Mitchell, I really do. It's just that I spent a year that I don't remember living among the Ancients, and if I have to go outside of this galaxy to get the answers I'm looking for, so be it."

"Oh, so it's personal, then?"

"A bit," Daniel agreed, stepping into the elevator. "You coming?"

"I'll take the stairs. Need the exercise."

"Right."

Cameron's mischievous nature got the better of him, though, and as the doors shut he called, "Hey, Jackson! Does this mean you two are goin' steady?"

Author's Notes:

Big thanks to the lovely people at www (dot) moon-catchin (dot) net for the episode transcripts for season nine. You made my work SO much easier.
Bigger thanks to everyone who wanted more.