Okay...so here it is! jumps for joy the last last chapter! giggles Enjoy, no really do enjoy!
Paula: As always Paula, thanks for your review and well here it is...the LAST chapter, enjoy it as best you can!
Paige: Yup it's carefully thought over, believe me! But thanks for the advice anyway...it proved somewhat useful?
MysticalSock: I couldn't agree with you any moredescription is my utter obsession! There's nothing better than reading something littered with description like Brindy's fics are and excelent example!Thanks for your review!Really made my day it did!
Disclaimer: Nope surely and most definitely not mine and well not anybodies anymore. Thanks to QUEEN from whom I stole the title of their song to title my chapter.
Epilogue: Somebody to love
I pressed my forehead against my soft pillow, burying my nose as deep as I could. Closing my eyes I tried to forget the radiant glow of light around me, it couldn't be morning...not yet!
I felt a hand ruffle my hair.
"C'mon, up you get!" Tess said in her dreary morning voice. I ignored her as best I could, closing my eyes even tighter to make the bright blood red I saw a nice deep crimson colour.
Instead of getting out of bed Tess shuffled up close to me wrapping her arm around my back, I felt her warm breath on my cheek.
"C'mon sleepy head, you'll be late!" she whispered softly into my ear and then I felt the mattress dip and spring back up when I felt her hop off.
My eyes were still shut but I couldn't block out the tiny little movements Tess still made although she was starkly silent...could almost feel light headed as my thoughts drifted to fudge covered, yellow, sundaes and creamy, caramel coated, chocolate chip laced biscuits but a sudden cushiony but painful thud on the back of my head brought me back to consciousness. She threw a pillow at me!
"Oi! Wake up!" Tess was annoyed; she didn't get half the sleep I did, I hated mornings, not as much as Tessy did.
"Numm..." I grumbled into my pillow just loud enough so that Tess could hear and leave me alone. I pulled the white sheets over my head imprisoning myself in their bright silence...but I couldn't make today go away...
"What time is it?" I mumbled through the sheets, just lifting my mouth off my pillow where my drool had made a musty wet patch that didn't really taste nice anymore.
"Fifteen past..." Tess mumbled back before I felt her leave the room.
"Damn!" I said as I let my forehead drop back onto my pillow. I was bordering on late.
I fumbled with the maple syrup jar and made it spill all over my fingers instead of where it was meant to go...it didn't matter.
I walked over with the plate almost stuck to one hand, holding a couple of pancakes with sloppy maple syrup that almost, nearly, ran over the edges of the plate, had to walk really slowly.
My feet padded against the semi-cold floor boards to the bedroom, holding breakfast with a garnish of cutlery in one hand as I still busily licked maple syrup off the other hand.
I pushed the door open with my foot and warm rays of morning sunshine filled the dark corridor, they glistened through Tessy's messed up hair making it glow like tinsel does when it reflects the little lights on the Christmas tree.
Tessy sat very dismally, her legs pulled up to her chest with her bleached white sheets up over her knees. Her arms were crossed over knees, her head leaning on her arms, her nose brushing against her the thick cotton bandage wrapt around her right wrist.
"Hey..." I said walking over to her, she peered up at me, the little brown bird she was watching before tried to hide itself in the thick bush once it saw me. She didn't say much, I was used to empty silence.
Looking up at the steaming hot pancakes I held in my hand, she smiled and so I passed them to her carefully, making sure the cutlery didn't slide off. Her ring clinked against the plate when she grasped it and the cutlery made a 360 around the plate, making that awful grinding noise.
I hopped back into bed, my icy toes begging for some warmth. I looked at Tess intently, waiting for her review on brekkie. My stomach grumbled as I watched the maple syrup drip down Tessy's carefully cut up pancake pieces. She caught me staring.
"Mmm...'ts goommvf..." she said just before she swallowed pointing her fork to the dish. I think that meant she liked it..."…where's yours?" she then added licking the syrupy liquid from the corners of her mouth.
"Ahh...there are only 3 to a packet…" there went my pride, Yes, I couldn't even cook pancakes!
Luckily for me Tessy just smiled and shuffled over next to me and handed me the fork to take a piece.
"And don't forget that George still has form; make sure to check him up on L.E.A.P..." Tess mentioned while I finished doing up the buttons to my shirt and Tess buttered toast.
"The thing is..." I bit into the crunchy toast thickly spread with Vegemite; its grave saltiness gave me the kick I needed to start the day. Tess in the meantime had slung my tie around my neck and did it up before I even noticed.
"...he probably hasn't got any priors for trafficking; he ain't a big time crook!" I continued, swallowing the piece of toast. Sometimes I wish my wife wasn't still my Sarge, off duty or not.
"Well he's been out for a while and with the company he keeps..." Tess started again but looking at my watch I really didn't have the time.
"Yeah, yeah..." I blabbered, mouth full of toast again, I gave in, I knew Tessy was right and she relished the fact that I could hardly hold a good convincing argument.
I stole Tess' slice of toast and after much struggle and a hefty argument with my left shoe I finally made it out the front door.
Nearly tripping over my laces and the front step at the same time I had to be just seconds from the car door when Tess called out.
"Hey? Aren't you forgetting something?" she half yelled standing on the veranda.
I raced back nearly tripping again on the front step before I slung my arms around Tessy's waist and pulling her towards me I gave her the most passionate kiss I could in half a second. She smiled and looked like she had something to say but I cut in before she did.
"Love you, see you tonight..." I kissed her forehead and smiled then proceeded to race down to the car again, this time I jumped that step.
"But...Evan, wait!" Tess yelled; she looked a little confused.
"Sorry Tess...I've only got 5 minutes left, it's a 10 minute drive!" I managed to yell back and Tess opened her mouth to speak but from the looks of it only ended up sighing as I backed out as fast as I could out the driveway.
"She's got your eyes..." I gazed in utter pride at the relaxed little infant in Tessy's arms. Pippa's blue eyes glistened with awful familiarity, her eyes searched for my voice.
Tess looked lovingly at her little daughter while Pip held cautiously to Tessy's big thumb.
"She's got your nose though...unfortunately!" Tess smiled cheekily as she said that, catching my gaze for a split second.
"Hey! What's wrong with my nose?" I gasped in mock horror, my hand coming up to touch my nose, well no matter how funny it looked on me it did look picture perfect on Pip.
In the fading yellow of the setting sun splashed up against the off white nursery wall I brushed my hand against my little girl's velvety soft forehead and watched her silently close her bashful blue eyes before she fell asleep gently in her mother arms.
"She's perfect..." whispered Tess looking up at me, I didn't take my eyes off Pip, it was amazing how I could just gaze in awe at something so preciously beautiful.
"Yeah she is..." I whispered back.
I slung through the door with about half a minute to spear, I was close. Somehow I started to wonder why I ever promised the Boss that I wouldn't let marriage and family get in the way of work, he'd be the only one that knew it was almost impossible to juggle both; that's probably why he wasn't standing near the door breathing down my neck.
During the minute it took to shove everything I had into my locker I felt funny, that's right I had to have forgotten somethin'...slamming the door to my locker in faint disgust I decided to re-trace my steps but not before I made myself a really strong coffee with extra sugar, God knows I needed it!
Spoon a clinking and steam still disappearing into the fog of thick air I felt a slight tug at my left pant leg, looking over to my left I saw nothing and by the time I glanced to my right it had moved. I knew what it was but I wouldn't let it know that.
I stirred my coffee again pretending that I was fooled but the light tug to the leg of my pants persisted so I turned around in a split second, just before it could run away.
Standing before me was Toby, the little 3 year old that made the mess room his home most days. His sandy beach yellow hair was what I noticed first, then his shy little crystal blue eyes hiding under his dainty little eyelids. His cheeky demeanour reminded me of only one person, his father; whom Toby usually stuck with like chewing gum does to new carpet. Must have been busy I suppose.
"Jonesy?" mumbled the little boy; it took him about 2 months of intense training to get his head around my name but as soon as he knew it, he wouldn't stop sayin' it.
"Hey mate!" I ruffled his short beachy blonde hair and squatted down to his level, he promptly made use of my leg sitting on it before I let him.
"How are ya?" I asked him seeing that he did seem a bit quiet today, if he wasn't studiously reproducing some kinda Picasso painting then he'd be taking apart PJ's filing cabinet but nothin' like that today.
Toby simply nodded in response to my question and tried to find the words to his next question, I watched his eyes search the ceiling.
Finally he pointed to the cupboard.
"I'd like a bickie...please." the please was more of an after thought than anything but he was the most articulate 3 year old I'd ever come across and he seemed sincere enough. I picked him up and he sat in my arms with one arm around my neck.
"Watch your head mate..." I said as I opened the cupboard door and Tobes ducked when the door missed him by a hair.
"Now, let's see what we got here...malt, digestive..." I filed through the unappetising array of biscuits before I came across something more kid friendly.
"D'you like Tim Tams mate?" Toby nodded pleased with the plastic parcel that almost reeked of chocolate, so I opened it and he lunged for the chocolate covered biscuit wrapping his fingers around it, extremely content. I went to give my coffee a last stir and when I went to shut the cupboard door I felt Tobes squirm in my arms.
"Can you let me down? Please?" he asked quite graciously and although I enjoyed his company more than I did that of my steaming coffee, I wouldn't keep him prisoner.
As soon as he'd run off I set back to picturing as vividly as I could the mere chaos of events I'd went through in under 20 mins, trying diligently to work out what it was that I'd forgotten.
"Mum! Look!" I heard Toby say in the distant background noise, I knew he'd be showing off his half bitten biscuit, Suse wouldn't be too happy...I was right.
"Morning Jonesy!" she said in almost mock cheer and I knew I was kindly in for it.
"Mornin' Suse..." I replied turning around to face her, her arms akimbo, an expression of mild upset on her face.
"You two, you just can't help spoiling him rotten!" she said smiling half way through that sentence. She was of course referring to Alex, the second proudest father in the world who'd do anything for that boy. Being a sweet tooth himself would let his boy gorge a packet of anything vaguely sugar coated, much to the disappointment of Susie.
I shrugged at Suse's obvious disappointment but she knew I'd never say 'no' to Toby, it was his sweet innocence...well so I tried to explain.
"You do know that was the Boss' secret stash?" Suse asked and I looked a bit daunted. I didn't really get a chance to shove the Tim Tam packet as far as humanly possible in that bickie cupboard before I heard the sound of that familiar buzzer, that's right I'd almost forgotten I was at work!
Suse and I both started to head out the door, both heading towards the monitor.
"I got it!" We heard Kell yell and then sluggishly made our way back towards my coffee that still sat on the mess room bench.
I sat in intense silence while Suse decided to wander out into the main room, still couldn't think what it was that I'd forgotten and making past the little huddled group of my colleagues I went to sit somewhat forlornly at my desk 'till I heard a familiar voice.
"Hey copper!" I turned around, upset that my chain of thought was broken but I smiled as soon as I saw who it was.
Tess stood there surrounded by the rest of the team, Pip in the corner of one arm and my bag held up with the other. It finally dawned on me!
"Missin' something?" she asked teasing me while she swung the heavy bag onto my desk, the loud thud it made sent gentle sheets of paper float down to the floor. I smiled; she really had a knack for remembering things, it was actually more than annoying sometimes.
I walked over and kissed her cheek to thank her and she smiled back, Pip in the meantime made soft gargling noises and waved her arms about frantically so I gave her a little kiss on the forehead too.
"How she's been?" I asked in an almost soft whisper, the rest of the team seemed to disappear as the lull between ringing phones had finished.
"Yeah, good...just a bit grumpy, hey?" Tess stroked Pippa's cheek with the back of her index finger looking into Pip's eyes while she said that. Kelly who'd been eyeing Pip for sometime waited for the right moment to speak.
"Can I hold her?" she asked and Tess almost automatically said 'yes', placing the baby gently in Kell's arms. Kelly's eyes said it all; she gazed in wonder at the talc smelling infant and almost certainly fell in love.
Taking the opportunity Tessy pulled me aside to chat for a little and I put the ringing phones to the back of my mind.
Tessy looked a bit apprehensive and a little pale.
"Is everythin' alright?" I asked a little concerned yet a huge sheepish grin was plastered across my face.
"Mmm, could you come home a bit early tonight?" That would usually translate to 'don't bother staying behind doing all the reports you still haven't done because you've been too 'busy' to do so during the day' but somehow this time when she said it seemed more sinister than anything and when she just managed to smile weakly I could just see that something was wrong.
"You sure everything's okay?" Guess I should have asked whether she was okay. I rubbed Tessy's shoulder and she just sorta shrugged it off and nodded silently.
"Just don't be late!" she said before she turned around and I finally immersed myself in what was going on around me.
"Think she likes you!" Amy teased P.J as the little peaceful expression on Pip's face turned to one of bitter sourness.
"Hey! I'm good with kids! Aren't I good with kids?" PJ asked in desperate plea for someone to agree but everyone kinda stayed silent. Toby was the only one that seemed to notice and he nodded bravely.
"There we go! Straight from the horse's mouth!" PJ squatted down to Toby's level and whispered something just loud enough for everyone to hear.
"You know you've always been my favourite!" PJ said to the boy and Toby seemed to beam with pride. Apart from the fact that he was already an honorary detective...Toby quite liked being PJ's favourite; it was almost a prestigious award!
PJ handed the baby over to Joss who was more than a little concerned but once he saw that Pip seemed to look like she was going to smile he was more than happy.
"How'd you do that?" asked PJ in somewhat curious confusement.
"It's my Italian charm!" beamed Joss and started to coo over little Pip who looked like she had her fair share of visitors.
"Oh please! Say no more!" whined Kelly while she rolled her eyes at Joss' pitiful remark.
No one would have noticed the phones ring for the umpteenth time, frankly being so absorbed in the moment nobody noticed the Boss emerge from his cave either.
"Have we all become deaf all of a sudden?" he bellowed, the team was silenced in that second and the phones seemed to die too but the tiny high pitched shrill from Joss' direction attracted the Boss' attention.
He stood still for a moment and as a couple of phones rang that both PJ and Amy dived for, he peered over to Tess who'd almost hidden herself behind me.
Everyone could feel the awkward silence between the two, everyone knew that they had hardly been on speaking terms for a good while now and Tess being as stubborn as she usually is was adamant that she wouldn't be the first to apologise.
That awkward silence lasted more than it should have, Joss made great progress calming Pip down but the Boss looked like he'd just saw a ghost.
"Tess?" he asked. Tess shuffled herself back into view with the help of my gentle push. She smiled quite awkwardly and we all noticed the Boss' features soften.
"Can I?" he asked walking over to Joss who was more than willing to lay the baby in the Boss' big and cuddly arms.
"Umm...yeah, sure!" Tess smiled again her hand coming up behind to brush the back of her neck in anxiousness.
Pip didn't seem fazed laying the Boss' arms she resume mumbling incoherently to herself, soaking in everybody's attention at the same time.
For the first time in what seemed like years we saw the Boss smile, it was a genuine smile and he like the others seemed to immerse himself in Pip's company, tickling her tummy with his other hand and watching her gorgeous big blue eyes float around the room looking at everybody peering down at her.
"Mum? I wanna see Pip!" Suse peered down to her little boy, who'd for quite sometime missed out on the opportunity, so Suse hoisted him up in her arms and carried him over to the Boss who'd just about made himself very comfortable with Pip.
Toby reached out and gingerly touched Pip's forehead, the feel of velvety soft skin under his fingertips made him jerk back his hand a little and his eyes became the size of jam jar lids in honest surprise.
"She gots no hair Mum!" said Toby a little shocked at first but he touched little Pip's head again gently growing accustom to her gentle skin.
"Yeah you looked like that, when you were that big..." Suse pointed out, reminiscing of a time not so very long ago.
"Mum, I gots lotsa hair!" said Toby in horrified shock, grasping at a tuft of hair on his short little blonde head of hair. Suse smiled warmly.
"You sure do bub!" and with that she kissed his head softly glancing over at Tess in the meantime who stood quite gruffly by my side, her hands crossed over her stomach in anxiousness but surprisingly as Tess' gaze meet that of Susie's the two shared a warm smile. I guess it was good to say that they got along really well; it probably had something to do with both having kids, something both would tirelessly talk about.
"Hey everyone!" squealed a voice from the entrance to the corridor, it was Alex, who look like he'd just come back from some sort of shopping escapade, bag handles weaved around his hand until they almost cut the circulation off. Toby as soon as he saw his hero rushed over and hugged his legs, hiding under shopping bags.
"Hey Toby, you ready to go then?" asked a curious father not really knowing where his son had hidden to. But a small nod from the heap of plastic bags told everyone that it was really getting late.
A couple more phones rang and the little party broke up, except the Boss who still stood silently and comfortably just outside of his office door, still cradling little Pip in his arms and much to everyone's surprise muttering complete and utter gibberish in silent whispers to Pip.
"Ahh, guess we better head off, leave you guys to it..." smiled Tess trying to hint to the Boss.
"What sorry?" the Boss was awoken from his trance but he reluctantly and carefully placed a tired Pip in the comfort of Tessy's arms.
"Tess?" the Boss asked softly and Tess shied away but still replied gently by looking into the Boss' genuinely sorry eyes.
"Could you bring her 'round more often?" asked the Boss almost embarrassed, stilling stroking Pip's tiny little fingers that she curled up into a fist.
"Yeah, sure..." Tess said a bit hesitantly and the Boss gave a smile.
"I'd like that, I really would..." the Boss smiled.
Tess gave a quick goodbye to all present and everyone either gave a silent wave or small smile. Just before she left Tess looked rather cautiously at me and I replayed her words in my head: "Just don't be late!".
I couldn't help but feel that something just wasn't right but for the time being I'd have to forget about it.
There on our light yellow kitchen wall hung a very mysterious piece of artwork...
Its golden worn away frame with the burnt gumleaf green background, made it look almost mystical. There was nothing mystical about this piece; in fact it was very eerie. Surrounded in the elaborate gold frame was a clean razor blade mounted on a dark green backdrop.
Like the recovered alcoholic that leaves a bottle full of vodka in his pantry I mounted the razorblade on the kitchen wall so everyday when Tess and I walked past it we'd be reminded of that something that Tess gave up and that she'll never go back to, no matter how much it hurt.
It'd grown dark and my desktop lamp grew hot for the 2 hours or so that I had it on for, my eyes too began to droop and I looked around me to see that everybody except maybe the Boss has gone home but I still had this one report to write that wouldn't take me much longer, if I could only concentrate for more than 5 mins at a time.
I grew bored quickly and resorted to using my pen as drumstick, hitting the side of the desk and I shuffled paper either side of my desk to make room for feet which I slung up onto the desk.
An eerie creek from the Boss' office door made my legs plunge back under the table and I scribbled nonsense on the pad in front of me. It was quiet after a couple of seconds so I looked over at the photo frame in front of me that had my favourite picture of both Tess and Pip when she was just a day old and next to that my finally framed little wallet size picture of Sammy, the little girl I still held a soft spot in my heart for.
"Haven't you got a home to go to?" asked the Boss, he'd crept up on me from behind and examined the scribble of words that were on the notepad in front of me. He was the one that insisted I finish the report before today and even though I phoned home saying that I still might be on time I wasn't too hopeful anymore.
"Still haven't finished that report Boss..." I explained holding up the scribble of notes that were really just gibberish but the Boss knowing my handwriting figured that they might just actually be words.
"Oh go home Jones!" The Boss looked at me annoyed and shuffled out the entrance to the station while I flicked off my lamp and went to get the keys to lock up.
"Depression's hard isn't it?"
You wouldn't believe how incredibly stupid that question sounds after you spend so much time with someone who has depression. It isn't only hard, it eats away at you and it hurts you like nothing ever could.
It has its ups and downs though and once you get used to the lows all you ever wish for each day is that they'd feel as best as they possibly could, each and everyday.
I got into the habit of waking up and asking Tess how she felt each morning, just so I'd know and even though just waking up to Tess was more than great, even better were the days where she'd wake up with the biggest smile on her face and she'd stare into my blue eyes and tell me how lucky she was to have ever met me and that she loves every little thing about her life, that it means more to her than she'd ever imagined.
Those were days that I looked forward to every morning and somehow each time they came they were just that little bit more special than just an ordinary day.
"Sorry I'm late!" I half yelled as I walked in through the door dumping my bag on the floor near the door while I pulled off my shoes and yanked off my tie. There was no response and apart from the usual blare of the evening news on telly it was strangely quiet.
Figuring Tess might be in the nursery I headed down that way and peered through into the dark room and looked for a familiar big shadow but she wasn't there. I decided to stay anyway; I liked watching Pip sleep. She had that same peaceful look her face as Tess did when she slept.
I sat myself down in the rocking chair adjacent to her oversized cot and saw the dim glow of gold light from the subtle night light glow across my little girl's forehead and her usually blood red lips that looked like amber, parted slightly. Her tiny little perfect hands curled up at her side and her little podgy little legs and tummy covered by the soft lavender coloured blanket Grandma Denise brought over with her on her first visit.
She breathed so effortlessly, her chest moving in out at with each breath. How could anything be more beautiful?
Standing up I lent over the sturdy railing to the cot and kissed her head, she murmured a bit, her little fingers opened a little from the tight fist they were in before but Pip soon drifted back into her deep sleep and I smiled just before I left the door ajar and went in search of Tessy again.
"Tess?" I said quietly but there came no response so I headed to the kitchen the most logical place she'd be really, if I thought about it.
I saw her up at the sink and from the sound of the steady flow of water I guess she was busy.
On the round table in front of me stood a couple of plates and two sets of knives and forks at each side, from the smell of it Tess was making my favourite and I smiled at the thought.
"Smells great!" I said smiling to myself but Tess didn't answer and she sorta slumped a little, her head bowed. So I walked over and place a hand on her back before I peered over her shoulder to see what was really the matter and there it was, just as I feared for an incredibly long time, Tess clasped her left palm with her right hand trying desperately to try and stem the blood that seeped from her left palm. I grasped onto Tessy's shoulder with my hand.
"Tess...how did-?" I asked Tess and her tear stricken face and red glazed cheeks peered out at me, she tried to say something but caught back by her tears just managed to mime something I couldn't understand.
"Can't...stop!" Tess finally managed to gasp and she winced as she pushed harder against her palm and the flow of corse water washed away any blood.
"Can't stop what?" I asked my head poked in the cupboard under the sink where I hoped I'd find some nice thick bandages but I should have known that's not the best place to put them.
"You wait here; clean it up as best as you can hey?" I asked Tess but she'd already begun to do that and amidst falling tears she breathed heavily.
I rushed over to the bathroom and grabbed the first of the sterile little cylindrical packaged thing that I could find.
Walking back to the sink I heard that the water hand been turned off and Tess stood quite patiently even though the blood slowly began to surface on her upturned and frantically shaking palm.
"Here, let me see..." I held Tessy's hand gently and going by the kitchen light the cut didn't look deep but I don't think that's what Tess was worried about. I carefully bandaged Tessy's hand tightly and fastened it with one of those butterfly clips. Tess squeezed her hand into a fist to get used to the thick bandage on it.
"So how did this happen?" I asked a little apprehensive.
"I...was..." Tess sighed as tears welled up in her eyes again but she managed to hold them down. "...cuttin' up some...carrots." she sighed again, her tears made her gasp painfully.
I looked around at the sink but I couldn't see any cut up carrot, just the fat knife that lay a little blood and water soaked in the sink. She wouldn't be hurting herself again, not after such a long time...would she?
As Tess' hand went to wipe her eyes she broke out in frustrated tears again.
"Hey..." I said and rubbed my hand against her back as she faced the sink, one hand supporting her whole bodyweight against the skin.
"I don't deserve you..." she managed to sob. That sounded absurd!
"What?" I asked a little shocked, no really shocked actually. "What makes you think that?" I asked again when Tess didn't reply.
"You can't be with me, I'll just hurt you..." she managed to splutter in amongst great deep breaths and short sighs.
I wrapt my arms around her stomach from behind and hugged her, she was close enough that I could smell her freshly washed hair.
"Tess..." I whispered into her ear. "...you'd never do that, you love me, too much sometimes!" I smiled and hugged Tess a little tighter.
"You're a fantastic mother and an incredible wife; I wouldn't give you up for the world!" I said again and Tess turned around to face me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her head in my shoulder while I warmly rubbed her back with my hand so she'd calm down.
A sudden little beep from the oven alarm made Tess jolt and she extricated herself from my hug.
"That'd be the roast." she said as she wiped the last of the tears off her cheeks.
"I'll help you with dinner then?" I asked more so then just stated but Tess handed me a pair of oven mitts.
Couldn't help but notice the awkward silence among us at dinner, a time usually spent in endless chatter about almost anything really but today it was just...silent.
"Thanks..." I said still scoffing down roast potatoes, thought I might at least say something.
"Hmm?" I think I might have just interrupted her deep daydream.
"...for dinner." I finished and Tess just smiled delving back into her silent world.
Once I'd finished and Tess lost interest in eating the rest of her meal I got up and cleared the table. As I walked towards the sink I ruffled Tessy's hair with my palm making it a complete mess but it didn't cheer her up, I figured nothing I did would, not for the time being.
Being so quiet we both heard Pip cry a little from the nursery, both so used to the repetitive task we stopped what we were doing and went to get up, Tess beat me to it.
"I'll go..." she said not really waiting for me to offer so I let her, it gave me sometime to steak out the kitchen, figure out whether Tess was really cutting up carrots. Stupid I know but I'd rather know if she was hurting herself again then sitting for hours worrying about whether she is or not.
The cutting board was neck deep in water so I couldn't really tell if it did have blood on it, my only hope was to find a chunk of carrot, even then I'd feel a little better.
No carrot in the sink or on the bench I decided to check the bin and well there it was, hacked up carrot covered in the tiniest bit of blood resting against the plastic bin lining where it'd smeared a fine bloodied line. I sighed; it was okay…at least it looked okay.
I leant against the bench, closed my eyes and sighed deeply, it was almost pathetic how much I worried about Tess but somehow it was all she ever needed.
A good month or so after I married Tess and everything settled down again my nightmares seemed to stop, Tessy's didn't.
She sat up in bed doused in sweat, her curled up figure as squished up as possible sat on the very far edge of the bed.
She cried heavily into her hands, shaking in fright, mumbling something incoherently to herself while she hugged her pillow tightly, slow rocking herself to calm herself down.
I sat up next to her, not saying a word. I placed my hand on her shoulder so she'd know I was there and when I did she flinched.
"Don't!" she yelled really loudly shuffling right over the edge of the bed and nearly falling over she got up out of bed and pressed herself against the dark wall.
I got out of bed to see if I could do anything to calm her down, despite what she said before. Walking around the bed and to her side, I couldn't see her but the sound of her sobbing led me right to her.
I put my arms around her waist pulling her forward to give her a light hug but she pushed me away, so hard in fact I lost balance and narrowly missed the side of the bed and ended up landing on the floor, with a thud.
"Don't touch me!" she screamed angrily amidst tears and I lifted myself of the woollen carpet.
"Tessy?" I asked a little concerned walking a tiny bit closer to her than before, I wanted touch her again but the shrill of Pip's cry distracted me.
"Tessy..." I said again not really knowing what to do.
"No!" Tess screamed even louder than before and she slid herself down the wall hugging her knees into her chest and sobbed loudly when she hid her face in her knees.
Pip's cry seemed to flood the room and not be able to bare it much longer I went to calm my little girl down.
Holding Pip in my arms but not turning on the light, I could just imagine the flared red in Pip cheeks and her frustration at being awoken by a ruthlessly screaming Tess.
"Shh...It's alright girl, you just head back to sleep, Mum'll be fine..." I whispered to my little baby girl and wiped away her little tears and her cry died down.
Sitting myself in the rocking chair with Pip in my arms I rocked her slowly to sleep and as she grew quiet and undeniably warmer in my arms I stood up to but her back in her cot. A warm breeze of fur brushed against my leg and I heard the quiet whimpers of Puddles who too looked a little worried but more annoyed than anything about being woken up so late at night.
"You too girl? Gees Tessy's voice must carry!" I smiled to the tired dog and patted her head warmly leaving Puddles to lie down in front of Pip's cot and fall back asleep.
For the good twenty or so minutes that I was gone Tess managed to fall asleep again, curled up, on the floor. I sat on the floor with her for a good ten minutes until I knew she'd be deep asleep and then with much difficulty I lifted her up and carried her back to bed.
I heard the telly get switched off and so I walked into the lounge and Tess sat tired and drained on the arm of the couch, she went to stand up as I approached, getting close and staring irresistibly into her gorgeously blue eyes, I leant in to kiss her but she backed away instead turning shyly away from me and heading towards the bedroom.
"Are you heading off to bed?" I asked Tess and she turned around to face me.
"Yeah..." she muttered softly.
"But it's only nine!" I said quite shocked, we'd usually stay up late, both snuggled up on the couch and watch some ridiculously corny movie on TV and end up both falling asleep on the couch until Pippa next woke us.
Tess still headed towards the bedroom so I followed her hastily.
Lying in bed warmly I couldn't fall asleep yet, so I tried to make conversation.
"Pip's asleep?" I asked, stating the bluntly obvious.
"Mmhmm." Tess replied seeming a little tired and I waited for the inevitable period of awkward silence but it never happened.
"Evan?" Tess asked quietly hopping I'd still be awake.
"Mmm?" I responded.
"Promise me something?" Tess asked softly.
"Yeah, what is it?" I asked a little curious.
"Promise that you'll never leave me, even if everything isn't alright...even if I'm not alright." Tess seemed a little sad so I shuffled to her enveloping her into a warm hug.
"Married you for a reason didn't I?" I asked and smiled to myself.
"Tessy I'd be crazy to leave you and Pip, I'll never find a woman who loves me as much as you do and I can't even imagine not being a part of Pip's life, you two are the most precious people in my life and I love you both." with that I kissed Tessy's cheek and she sighed softly and cuddled up to me warmly.
"I know you're scared but you don't have to be, I'll always be here, no matter what." I whispered.
"You promise?" she asked gently.
"I promise." I said and Tessy kissed my cheek.
"Night Evan..." Tess whispered and she cut in before I got to say something. "And I'll always love you too, no matter what." she whispered, I smiled because I knew that although Tess didn't say that she loved me much, when she did, I knew she meant it, completely.
"I know. Night Tess…" I whispered to her and she fell asleep in my arms like always, the peaceful angel she was.
Sometimes I figure life is pretty much like sitting on a speeding rollercoaster. Its amazing looking down from the top of a huge hill and you enjoy the sparse moments you have on that high, high hill but before you know it, you come crashing down the other side. It catches you off guard. It makes your head spin and your stomach jerk and you feel sick.
My life is like that all the time. There are more lows then there are highs to be honest but it's only then that you cherish what good times you ever have.
I love my family, I'd sacrifice everything for it, it mightn't be the perfect family but to me it's just what I always wanted...somebody to love.
Just a thought...
52,979 words later I've finally done it! And although this fic should have been not much more than just a random sentence on notepad that I should have deleted at 10.33pm that night I was completely frusterated, I'm guess it's glad that it is what it is today, even if I pulled out a couple of tufts of hair over it!
So in saying that I'd like to thank you all for reading it so diligently and for leaving such awe inspiring reviews and even a huge thank you to even those who read but didn't review, frankly I'm just quite amazed how anyone could slug through this!
Hopefully I'll seeyou 'round sometime soon with another epic adventure hey?
jakc