The Assets of the Archaeologist
by Cleo the Muse
Rating: All Ages
Genre: General, Humor, Missing Scene/Epilogue
Warnings: Mild innuendo, 'cause Vala's awake again.
Episodes: Missing scene for "Avalon, Part One". Minor spoilers for "Ex Deus Machina".
Synopsis: Picks up where the series "The Thief" leaves off. Vala's found the perfect place, the perfect bait, and the perfect hook for fishing, but why can't she catch one reluctant archaeologist?
Notes: The meaning of the title will be made abundantly clear by the end. Evil Grin>

The Assets of the Archaeologist

"It has been wisely said that we cannot really love anybody at whom we never laugh."
-- Agnes Repplier, Americans and Others

Teal'c was intensely grateful for the full day's recess of the Jaffa Council. A warrior by nature, Teal'c had often prided himself on being able to communicate through his actions rather than his speech, perhaps even replying with a simple movement of the head rather than aloud. His eight years among the Tau'ri had helped him to overcome some of his natural reticence toward expressing himself verbally, physically, and emotionally, but he still preferred to speak only when necessary. Furthermore, he was direct and honest in his expression, and did not use his words in a subterfuge of his true intent.

Such was not the way of the Jaffa Council.

Gerak, former First Prime of Montu, was a skilled weaver of verbal deception. The voice of the more traditional, oligarchical ways of the Jaffa, he was swiftly gaining the support of the Council's members. As the de facto voice of the liberal, democratic Jaffa movement in Bra'tac's absence, Teal'c found himself wishing he could employ Daniel Jackson to speak in his stead, a man who had--on more than one occasion--talked an Unas into friendship. He curled his lips at the thought of his Tau'ri friend and the arrogant Jaffa engaging in a verbal duel.

Perhaps that is why Gerak has forbidden outsiders to speak directly to the Council as a whole, he reasoned, his smile becoming a frown. It was a motion the elder Jaffa had pressed upon the Council early in the proceedings, citing the necessity to lessen the number of distractions the Council would be forced to endure. Even still, the Council supplied plenty of its own distractions, thus creating the need for extended breaks in order to cool fiery tempers.

Fortunately, this recess enabled him to be at the side of Daniel Jackson when he awoke.

"How you doing?" Colonel Mitchell asked the groggy Tau'ri linguist.

"Uh... fine, I think," Daniel replied, down-playing his well-being as was his wont. "What happened? I was--"

"It's the bracelet."

"They are called kor'mak," Teal'c began, having already had the entire situation related to him--every last word and sordid detail--by the excitable Tau'ri colonel.

"Figured he might know," Mitchell explained.

Daniel Jackson didn't look at all surprised. "Yeah, she said they were some sort of weird Goa'uld... Nut... marriage-thing."

Were it not for the seriousness of the situation, Teal'c would have smiled. Daniel Jackson does not realize how often he sounds like O'Neill, he mused. Instead, he replied, "I do not believe that to be the case."

"Really?" Again, there was a distinctive lack of surprise in his voice as the archaeologist flopped back on the bed. "Should've known."

Explaining the history of the devices first utilized by Cronus, Teal'c became aware of the sounds of the former Goa'uld host Vala Mal Doran stirring upon her own bed. "That's just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard," she scoffed.

The sudden vehemence displayed by Daniel took him aback. "You didn't know?"

"Well, I knew it would make you sick," she protested. "I didn't know it would have the same effect on me, too!"

"How could you not know?"

"Because the person that I stole them from didn't tell me that part!"

Growling in exasperation, Daniel grabbed a pillow and threw it at Vala, then flopped on his back. Teal'c reasoned it was only recent, prolonged unconsciousness that prevented his friend from leaping from the bed, putting himself in the woman's face, and demanding a complete explanation.

"Question," Mitchell began, pulling Teal'c from his musings. "Why would the Goa'uld design these things that way?"

The answer was both simple and obvious. "To punish the Jaffa for his incompetence." Actually, given the way the devices bound the lives of their wearers together, the mistaken belief the bracelets were matrimonial in nature seemed not far at all from the truth.

"Right... of course."

"Can you take it off?" Daniel asked quietly. When Teal'c was forced to reply in the negative, the directive was repeated to Vala.

Her grin was immediate. "Yes, of course I do. I mean… that's assuming that the person I stole them from was honest about that part."

"Just do it."

"Alright!" she cried. "As soon as we find the treasure and I get my fair share."

Daniel closed his eyes and leaned close. "Okay, just to clarify…when I kill her…I die?"

Indeed, O'Neill has definitely 'rubbed off' on you, Daniel Jackson, Teal'c inwardly smiled. "Just as if you left her proximity."

The archaeologist clearly wasn't pleased with that answer, nor did he seem particularly fond of Mitchell's revelation that he had once again missed an opportunity to travel to the city for which he had seemingly given up his own ascension. "I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for, here," the colonel reasoned, "but whatever it is could be worth finding." He paused. "Or you're just gonna have to marry that chick."

Vala was obviously enamored of that suggestion. "Yeah, lets make babies!"

Daniel groaned, rolling his eyes. "Having children with you is one of the last things on my to-do list," he warned. "It's somewhere right between 'shooting myself' and 'burning in Hell'."
"Admit it, Daniel, you find me attractive."

"I 'find' you annoying, irritating, and deceitful," he replied. "Uncouth, treacherous, bothersome--"

The thief squirmed against the restraints holding her to the bed. "Oh, you're making me feel all warm inside, Daniel. I just love it when a man talks dirty. Go on!"

"--selfish, conceited, aggravating, dishonest, sophistic, fallacious, specious, insidious, mendacious--"

Fortunately for all within listening range, Daniel's linguistic tirade was cut short by the timely arrival of Doctor Lam. "While you certainly sound all right, Doctor Jackson," she began curtly, checking the information being displayed by the diagnostic machinery, "but I think that's enough ranting for one day."

"I was still on English," he muttered.

"Didn't sound like it to me," Mitchell replied. "And while I'm sure you could have continued your run-down of her more endearing traits quite happily, the rest of us don't wanna wait through however-many dozen languages you speak these days. Am I right, Teal'c?"

The simplest answer was often the best. "Indeed."

"Not to mention that you managed to skip 'resourceful', 'witty', and 'irresistibly beautiful'," Vala added petulantly.

"Oh, you're resistible," the archaeologist assured her, turning his head in her direction briefly.

"Hmm? Is that why you couldn't keep your hands off me earlier?"

Daniel sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "Excuse me? I think you're the one who had the wandering hands!" Doctor Lam made an odd choking sound, then, but apparently chose not to share the source of her amusement. Teal'c was reasonably certain the doctor's recent proximity to the hub of the base rumor mill had already given her quite the earful. "Now thanks to you, I've missed my chance to get to Atlantis again!"

"Well, it wasn't my intention to render us both unconscious!" Vala protested. She glanced cautiously at Doctor Bennett as he began to make notes on her chart.

"Of course not," Daniel retorted. "But I bet your little 'plan' included me getting knocked out!"

She shrugged as best she could with her hands restrained. "All right, so it wasn't the best of plans. Still, I'm not going anywhere, so you're just going to have to find that treasure for me."

"Uh, correction: if and when I find that treasure, myself, I'll be the one to decide what you get out of it."

"You can't crack the code without the cipher."

He smirked. "Well, apparently I have a lot more time to work on it, now don't I?"

"See? Something good's come of this, then," Vala grinned.

Teal'c found that observing the rapid exchange between the archaeologist and the thief was much like attending a match of the Tau'ri sport, tennis. "I would suggest you cooperate in this matter," he advised the former host. "The sooner Daniel Jackson deciphers the tablet, the sooner he can determine what your share of the treasure will be." And the sooner he can return you through the Stargate empty-handed.

She acted surprised to see him. "A Jaffa? My, my, Daniel, you've really outdone yourself attempting to prove the diversity of your little planet's populace."

"Oh, I'm quite certain you got 'up close and personal' with our little planet's diversity when you felt up Sergeants Emerson and Klopel."

Doctor Lam made the same choking noise again, earning her a bemused look from Mitchell and Teal'c. "It was a cultural misunderstanding," Vala explained.

Mitchell grinned. "Right." Then, out of the side of his mouth, he muttered, "How'd you hear about that? You've been unconscious for nine hours."

"Good guess," Daniel answered. He turned to Doctor Lam. "Are we finished yet? Can I go?"

She crossed her arms. "You've been unconscious for nine hours," she repeated. "There's no telling what after-effects the bracelets might have. I recommend twenty-four hours observation to--"

"Which of the nurses put you up to that?" he demanded. "Nevermind, I can guess a few names myself." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, so long as Vala and I stay in proximity, we'll be okay."

"We'll stick together like fleas on Demeter's hounds!" Vala agreed cheerily, giving Doctor Bennett her most winning smile.

"Not that closely," Daniel smiled tightly. "Teal'c, Colonel Mitchell, I'd really appreciate a few extra sets of eyes when I get to work on this tablet."

"I don't read Ancient," Mitchell protested.

"Nor do I," Teal'c agreed. The time-loops didn't count, as he'd merely memorized only specific words and phrases.

Daniel crossed his arms. "I'm not asking you to help me with the translation, I'm asking you to keep an eye on her. Both eyes, actually. The stuff in my lab may be all packed up with nowhere to go, but that doesn't mean anything is safe from her greedy little fingers."

Perhaps it is I who has spent too much time around O'Neill, Teal'c thought, a smile touching his lips. The opening he'd been presented was far too tempting to ignore. "You can rest assured we will do our utmost to protect your 'ass'-ets."

Daniel glared.

Author's Notes:

And I'm STILL on "Avalon, Part One"! Granted, a good portion of the second part of the episode and much of "Origin" won't be written ('cause Daniel and Vala's little trip was done on their own), but there's still more of this episode to cover before I move on to another. But, GOSH, this is fun...

Once again, kudos to www(dot)moon-catchin(dot)net for the transcripts.

In other news, there may be a bit of a posting delay for the next two weeks, as MY Daniel (my big brother) comes home from Iraq on leave this Saturday!