Chapter Eigteen

"What's it like out there?" Sam asked Carter nodding her head at the door. The two were in the lounge, Carter was on his break and Sam had just arrived in. A week had passed since Cosmo's party, since Carter had found out about Steve and nearly broken the guy's nose. The two hadn't spoken much since then. Sam kept seeing Steve; she'd bring Alex to see him over at his new apartment.

"It's quiet enough at the moment," Carter answered.

"Good," Sam yawned. She had stayed over at Steve's the night before and she hadn't gotten much sleep. Alex had been staying at a friend's and Steve had invited her over. Carter had been working late and she had been really lonely, so she went to see him. It wasn't one of her brighter moments. He had ended up drinking too much; her arm was horribly bruised now from when he had grabbed her towards him.

As she pulled her scrub top on Carter noticed her arm was bruised. He could guess how it happened.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," She replied walking over to Carter. "Are you okay?"

"I'm worried about you." He answered truthfully.

"What's there to be worried about?"

"Steve,"

"You don't have to worry about him, trust me." Sam hoped that Carter would just leave it at that, she didn't feel like justifying her relationship with Steve to Carter when she couldn't even justify it to herself.

"I'm not worried about him; I'm worried about what he might be doing to you." He had hardly slept last night, knowing that she was with him tore him up, especially when he thought about what Steve might be doing to her, about how she would probably come home with more bruises.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She could tell where this conversation was leading and as far as she was concerned it was going downhill at every second.

"He hits you Sam, that's why I'm worried."

"I never said that . . ." It was true, she had never openly told him.

"You didn't have to; I saw the bruise on your back. Why do you stay with him?" He didn't know why she would let him back into her life, time and time again.

"He's not like that, Alex loves him and he loves his son. Alex needs him in his life, he's been so much happier since Steve came back." Alex had been happier, it made her life slightly easier, she hated seeing him upset more than anything.

"And that makes him hitting you okay?"

Sam didn't answer, she just looked at the ground avoiding Carter's gaze. His words made a lot of sense, and she didn't have an answer to that question.

"It doesn't have to be like that Sam, you deserve better." He was thinking of how he would treat her better, give her everything she'd ever need or want, but he didn't dare say that out loud.

"I doubt Luka would think so. I loved him so much, but it was never enough. Even having his child isn't enough." In some ways, although she'd never utter the words out loud, Sam felt as though she deserved everything she got. Luka clearly didn't think much of her, and she was a terrible mother. She deserved every bump and bruise that Steve gave her. It was part of the reason why she let him get away with it, why she didn't try to stop him.

"It's not your fault that Luka left you." Carter couldn't believe that she'd blame herself, he may have been bias but if anyone was to blame he would blame Luka.

"I find that hard to believe Carter; if he cared about me at all I think he'd have stuck around for his daughter's sake. He can hardly stand to be around me. At least Steve wants to be with me, I'm not getting tons of offers you know." You don't abandon someone you love like that, she added silently to herself.

"I love you, you know that. Just leave Steve, cut him out of your life, I'll support you, I'll help you with whatever I can, just leave him . . . I beg you." Carter pleaded taking Sam's hand.

"I can't . . . Alex would never forgive me."

"You left him before" Why should this time be any different, he thought.

"Yeah, and Alex is screwed up enough as it is. I won't hurt my son like that, he's happy, really happy, and I can't take that away from him." All she ever wanted for her son was that he was happy and healthy, and he hadn't been this happy in a long time.

"Are you happy?"

"That doesn't matter." She replied truthfully.

"It does to me, and I'm sure Alex would want you to be happy."

"Well, to me his happiness is more important than my own."

"Even if that means you get physically hurt?"

Again Sam avoided his question; she didn't like talking about it.

"What about your unborn child? What if Steve hurts her?"

"You're blowing this all out of proportion. I would never put a child of mine in danger. Besides he doesn't hit me." Did Carter think she was a terrible mother as well?

"What about your back?" She couldn't lie about that, he had seen it, she knew that.

"That was just an accident." She lied.

"Really? Well then why did you lie about it?" He could see straight through her lies.

"Because I didn't think you would want to hear that I got it from him pushing me
against the wall while we were having sex!" She snapped her hand out of his.

"I don't believe you; I know it's more than that. The guy is scum." He tried to push all images of her and Steve out of his mind; he didn't want to think of that.

"Hey, that's Alex's dad you're talking about."

"Yeah the man you keep running away from."

"He's also the man who you punched in the face, so I don't think its right for you to call him violent."

"You don't know what he was saying, and trust me he deserved it."

"What was he saying that was so bad?"

"He was talking about you, and what you're like in bed. I just couldn't take him talking of you like that, like you were just some object he liked to have sex with."

Sam went quiet again, it did sound like something Steve would talk about. She remembered back when they were first dating how he use to brag about her to all of his friends. She could remember how embarrassing it was whenever she was around them, especially when they were all drunk. They never held back what they were thinking, and usually it wasn't something she wanted to hear.

"Sam, leave him, please, I can't stand the thought of him hurting you."

"You can't stand the thought of him hurting me or the thought of him sleeping with me?"

As soon as the words left her mouth Sam felt extremely guilty for saying them. She knew he wasn't like that and she regretted saying it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it . . . it's just . . . you don't really understand, he can be really good to us, me and Alex. Besides I need him."

"Do you need this?" Carter pulled her sleeve up to reveal the bruise he knew was there. She must have received it the night before, it looked fresh.

Sam didn't get a chance to reply as Luka burst through the door at that moment. There was a mother and son coming in, both of them had been shot and he was going to need their help.

Luka watched the other two intensely, the tension in the room was so thick he felt it the minute he entered and he wondered what had passed before he walked in. They were living together, and Luka wondered if maybe the two were more than just room mates. Sam quickly pulled her arm back out of Carter's grip and they shared a glance before she raced out the door.

Carter followed her, but at the door Luka stepped in front of him, preventing him from leaving.

"Are you two dating?" Luka asked.

"I didn't think you cared," Carter answered leaving before Luka had a chance to respond.

Luka followed Carter towards the ambulance bay, his mind was focused on the last comment the other man had said. Luka wished that the people he worked with would just mind their own business and stay out of his. Frank's comments had become part of the daily routine, Luka would come in to work and the minute he reached admit Frank would start. It was always the same, how he shouldn't be avoiding his responsibility and how he should be supporting Sam. It wouldn't be so bad if he knew that it was only Frank saying those things, but the rest of the people agreed with him. Truth be told, Luka agreed with him too.

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Luka and Sam were in working on the ten year old boy who had been shot in the chest and leg. They had been doing compressions for twenty minutes and there was still no change. Luka didn't want to stop; he wasn't ready to accept that the kid was dead.

"Dr. Kovac, he's gone, we're just wasting our time trying to bring him back." Sam shouted at Luka, he was still shouting orders.

"I'm the doctor here; I think I know more than you do Nurse Taggart." Luka retorted.

"We've tried everything! There is nothing more we can do."

"If you have a problem with how I run my traumas maybe you should leave." Luka yelled.

"Fine, I have a problem with how you're running this trauma." Sam yelled back and she just stopped doing the compressions and walked out of the room.

Everyone looked at Luka, and he felt really uncomfortable under their judging stare. He took up from where Sam had left off. Carter walked into the room then and just looked around trying to figure out what had happened. He walked over to Luka.

"How long has he been gone?"

"Twenty minutes," Luka answered.

"Are you going to call it?"

"There's still hope."

"Luka, the boy is dead."

"This is my trauma Carter, you can't tell me what to do!"

"You know I'm right. I'm calling it."

"Fine," Luka yelled at Carter and stormed out of the trauma room.

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A while later Luka was coming back from telling the father that he had lost his son and his wife. He knew exactly how the man felt, he had been there himself. He hated having to do it, but he was the one who worked on the boy.

Walking towards the lounge, he was glad that his shift was over. He really needed a drink. His mind kept running back over the trauma, back over the man's face as he got the terrible news.

He went into the lounge and found Susan in there with Sam. Susan was sitting down with Sam beside her fast asleep.

"Are you okay Luka?"

"Yeah, I'll live. Is she okay?"

"She's fine, just tired. I was trying to wake her up but she won't budge, I have to get her home somehow though."

Luka walked up to the two of them and bent down, placing a kiss on Sam's forehead. He then picked her up, she was deeply asleep and the movement didn't stir her at all.

"I'll take her out to your car,"

Susan just followed Luka out the door, grabbing her and Sam's stuff. She wished that Sam was awake to see Luka then. To see the look on his face as he tenderly carried her. There was no doubt that he still loved her more than anything, Susan just couldn't understand how he could love someone so much and yet still abandon them.

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Luka watched as Susan drove away. He had held Sam in his arms, sure she had been asleep, but that small bit of contact with her had made him happy. Just holding her made him feel more complete than he had in a long time, and he wouldn't be able to do it again.

Shaking his head he walked away, denying the tears that were threatening to fall. He knew that once he got home he could drink his sorrows away. Drink so much that he wouldn't know who he was anymore. It wasn't much, but it was the only comfort he had, and he was glad to have it.

TBC