Chapter Nineteen

"Why are you so convinced that she wants nothing to do with you?"

Luka looked at the woman questioning him, ever since she had turned up unexpected at his apartment Susan had been following him around and continuously checking up on him. It was really starting to grate him; couldn't she see that he didn't want help? He had ways of coping, ways of making everything disappear, and he wasn't about to give that up.

"I just know, okay? I know that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore." The bitterness sinking into his voice, why wouldn't she leave him alone to just wallow in his self pity.

"Luka!" Susan yelled, sometimes talking to him felt a lot like hitting her head against the wall only that would probably get some results. "Sam is crazy about you; she's going to have your child. You can't be pregnant with a person's child and not feel anything."

"Yeah, she probably hates me for putting her in that position, for forcing her to be a mother again." He snapped.

Susan was surprised, sure Sam had her doubts but mostly they were about her ability to be a single mother of two. Overall she seemed happy being pregnant, or at least she loved her child. Anyone who knew Sam could see that.

"She doesn't feel that way Luka, she's not like that. She's a great mother."

"I didn't say she wasn't!"

"I saw the way you were with her yesterday, when you carried her out to my car, why can't you just show her that side of you. She doesn't think you care about her, never mind love her."

"It's better that she thinks that way, her life is much better without me. She'll get over it soon enough, I'm sure she's pretty much over it already."

More than anything at that moment, Susan wanted to scream and beat some sense into Luka. He was a tough guy, she was sure he could take it. But it was unethical for her to beat up one of her doctors, some days she really hated her job.

"Is she dating Carter?" He asked, since seeing them the day before Luka wasn't able to get the image of the two of them together out of his mind.

"No, they're not, I'd know if they were."

"But he loves her, doesn't he?"

Susan didn't know what answer to give. Would Luka appreciate the truth or did he need her to lie? Would he be able to cope with knowing how Carter felt given the fact that he lived in the same house as Sam? On the other hand, if he knew how Carter felt then maybe he'd fight for Sam. If he did that then everybody would be happy. Except for Carter, of course, but she could fix him later.

"Yeah, he loves her, he loves her a lot."

"And she loves him?"

"No, she loves you, remember?"

"He'd be good for her; I know he'd treat her right. It could be just what she needs." Luka answered, completely ignoring Susan's answer. He hated to think of Sam with anyone else, but he wanted Susan to think he was coping with it. The less she knew about how he felt, the better.

Susan resisted the urge to slap Luka until he saw the truth, violence wasn't the answer. It was so frustrating though! She found it easier to explain things to Cosmo, hell; she actually thought that she could get Cosmo to understand that Sam loved Luka a lot quicker.

"Is that really what you want?" She asked.

Luka didn't answer, couldn't answer. He wasn't with Sam, he thought they were both better off apart but he most certainly didn't want anyone else to be with her. He knew he was being selfish, but the mere thought of anyone else being that close to her made his skin crawl, made him reach out for alcohol.

"Look at your life Luka, is this how you want to live? In five months time you're going to be a father again, do you really want your child to see you like this?"

"My child isn't going to see me; she's not going to know me. It's better that way." Luka said his voice barely above a whisper.

"So you're going to abandon your daughter? Just like that. How could you even think of doing that? You had children before Luka, how could you decide to do this?" Susan was angry now, part of her had believed that Luka would just turn around, be there for his baby when it was born. She had known Luka long enough to know how much his children had meant to him, how much he longed to have more. For him to turn away from Sam was one thing, to so blatantly say that he wouldn't even support his child was another thing entirely.

"It's better this way, it's better for everyone this way."

"How is it better Luka? I'm sorry but I don't see how your daughter growing up without knowing her father and you living without knowing your own daughter is a good thing!"

"You wouldn't understand," Luka answered.

"I might if you try to explain it to me." She really wanted to hear his answer.

"You still wouldn't understand, and you'd try to talk me out of it. Just do me a favour and stay out of my life."

Luka stormed out of the room leaving Susan alone wondering how the hell this problem could be fixed. Wondering if this problem could be fixed.

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"What the hell is your problem?" Steve yelled at Sam.

She had just arrived at his place after a long and hard day at work hoping for a bit of sympathy. She had been so naïve, like Steve was ever one for giving out comfort. She felt foolish for not realising the mood he was in the minute she walked through the door. It was one of those evenings when he was after one thing and one thing only. While she wanted a hug and sympathy, he wanted a whole lot more.

She had pushed him off her, causing him to yell at her, his eyes bulging in disbelief. Sam just kept staring at him; she didn't even bother to fix herself up, just stayed as she was, the strap of her vest top hanging off her shoulder, her hair all messed up.

"Well?" Steve continued, "Are you going to give me an answer?"

"I'm not in the mood," Sam muttered.

"Why did you come here then?" Steve asked mockingly.

"I had a tough day at work and was feeling down, for some stupid reason I thought that you might offer me some comfort!" Sam yelled back at him, letting all her angry at him, at herself out in her voice.

"I'm not up to dealing with your problems, okay, so don't start with me. I've had a really bad day and when you turned up I was hoping you could show me a good time, not drag me down with your problems."

She wasn't sure why she even bothered, why she ever thought he'd treat her well. He never had in the past, why should he start now?

"It's always about you, isn't it? Never mind me, never mind Alex, never mind all those times that you left us, all those times when you hurt us. You don't have a sympathetic bone in your body!" She really liked how it felt to be yelling at Steve again, to be telling him what she really thought of him.

"Sam, don't start on me now, okay? I really can't deal with this."

When she had a problem he didn't want to know, but when he had a problem he expected the whole world to tip toe around him? It was like his feelings were more important than hers. Of course that's the way things had always been, well almost always. In the beginning he had been there for her, listened to her, been willing to bend over backwards for her. That phase didn't last though, and he soon turned into the guy he was today.

As Sam didn't respond, didn't move, Steve took this as a sign that she was fine with everything now and stepped closer to her until he could feel her body brushing against his. Bending down, he crashed his lips against hers and pulled her into him.

Sam pushed against him as hard as she could. He struggled, holding onto her tighter. Eventually she pushed hard enough and he backed off.

"Bitch!"

Sam just took one last look at him before storming out of the apartment. She didn't need his shit anymore, she didn't want to sleep with him again, the mere thought of him touching her made her skin crawl. But then there were the times when she wanted nothing more than to feel pain, to feel something. She felt she deserved everything Steve gave her; every bruise was due to her own wrong doing.

Storming out of his place and going home, she wasn't sure what to think anymore. The conversation she had had with Carter the day before went through her mind, he had said she deserved better, was that true? She didn't feel like it was. She didn't even feel like she was a good person. Inside she was all muddled up, all confused, didn't know what to think. She felt herself fall back into the cave, the cave that she went to where everything was painful. Where all she wanted to do was lie down somewhere and die. Where nothing seemed worth living for.

Then she thought of Alex, and her baby. They were worth living for, neither of their fathers were great, and she was all they had. She had to keep going for them and she couldn't help but feel a slight bit of resentment towards them for that. They were the ones that kept her living, living her life that had become hell. Living a life where every minute felt like hours, and every hour felt like days. Where she was never free from pain.

All those feelings kept bubbling up inside her, rising up, begging to be let out. Sam felt ready to burst, ready to collapse under the strain. Then she had a thought, there was something that would make her feel better, something that would relieve the pressure.

Once home, Sam went straight towards the bathroom, straight for the razor blade that she had become acquainted with. Holding it securely between her fingers she quickly drew the blade against the flesh of her upper arm. She watched as the blood oozed out, slowly at first and then falling down her arm leaving behind it a red trail. As she watched, she felt everything inside her relax, felt all of the tension flow out with her blood. And she felt calm.

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Susan was on her way home, glad to be leaving the ER behind for the night. As she was walking out of the ambulance bay she saw Carter sitting on the bench. His shift had ended two hours ago; it was unlike him to stay behind so late. Susan went over and sat beside him, knowing that she wouldn't be able to go home until she figured out what was wrong with him.

Carter could feel someone sitting down beside him and glancing to his side he was glad to find it was Susan. He wasn't in the mood for dealing with anyone else.

"What are you still doing here?" Susan asked.

"Well, you know me," Carter replied, "I can't get enough of this place."

"Yeah, neither can I." Susan laughed.

"But really, what are you still doing here," She continued, her voice full of concern.

"I don't want to go home," He whispered.

"Why?" Susan was very worried now.

"Because . . ." He started.

"Because of Sam?" Susan asked.

Carter just nodded.

"I told you that it was a bad idea for her to live with you. Are you finding it hard to keep your feelings in? Is that it?"

Carter shook his head, "No, that's not it at all."

"Then what is it Carter? Tell me, I might be able to help."

"I doubt it."

"Carter, just tell me," She was getting so fed up with men and there need to fix everything on their own. First Luka and now Carter.

"It's to do with Steve." He answered.

"Sam's ex?"

"Yeah, Alex's father, he came back."

"Oh, and what's he done?"

Carter looked at Susan and suddenly tears started forming in his eyes.

"What is it Carter? Tell me, please, because you're really starting to worry me."

"He hits her,"

"Sam?" She asked shocked, she never imagined Sam as the type of person to let anyone hit her.

"Yeah," Carter nodded, "He beats her and she still goes to him, goes out with him. He hits her, is so horrible to her, and part of me just keeps thinking that she picked him over me. She picked a guy who physically bruises her over me. How selfish is that?"

"Hey, it's okay to feel that way," Susan said pulling him into a hug, "It's perfectly okay for you to feel that way."

They stayed that way for a while, the two of them just sitting there on the bench, neither saying a word. Both of them thinking about Sam, thinking about Steve and thinking about the man that was leaving Sam and his baby behind.

TBC