4

Leaving the mess hall after having another one of her inscrutable chats with Ronon, Elizabeth makes her way toward the nearest transporter. It really makes no sense to her how someone as closed off as Ronon managed to get Angela, of all people, to open up. The man rarely speaks more than a word or two. Elizabeth simply can't get a bead on him. Not that she was really in the mood to try. She was looking for a distraction from her nagging thoughts about last night and about John. Ronon isn't very good at distracting her, unfortunately.

Luckily, Rodney is. His urgent call for her to come to the Control Room gets her blood pumping. But on the way, her mind starts pecking at her again.

He was gone when she awoke.

Outside her window, the morning looked a bit dull and gray, possibly hinting at an incoming storm. She shivered at the thought. The last storm left her with many scars, not simply physical ones. She'd never been so terrified, even when being held hostage in Nigeria. She can still feel Kolya's hold around her waist as he tried dragging her through the open wormhole.

But John saved her. As he always does.

She grins at the thought of him. He's going to be with her. He's going to give up Angie for her. He as much as said so.

Didn't he?

Elizabeth chews on her bottom lip. What if she's reading too much into it? She was almost asleep. Hell, she could have been completely asleep for that matter. Maybe she didn't hear what she thought she heard.

And if he's so willing to give up Angela, why did it take him so long to return to Elizabeth's bed? She knows he's been busy with missions, but three weeks? And he seemed to not realize how long it had been. Is she so forgettable that…

Don't go there. That path leads to insanity.

Shaking off the thought, another one pops into her head. Something she really shouldn't find unsettling, but does. When she tossed her covers aside this morning, she found herself wearing her bed clothes from the night before. But she doesn't remember getting dressed again. Well, maybe I got cold after his warm body left me alone. It's nothing…

Yet there's still that nagging little voice in the back of her head trying to tell her something, but she can't quite make out the words.

oOo

Elizabeth overhears John and Rodney having a discussion about PXT-705. "I'm simply wondering when she's going to be available now that Carson's released her from bed rest. It's not much to ask."

"Trust me, Rodney. The minute Angie's able to walk again, she'll be more than willing to go back to the planet with you."

"Walk? There's nothing wrong with her legs--" John turns and gives Rodney a wicked smirk and the scientist cringes. "Ewww. Sheppard. Too much information!"

"What's going on?" Elizabeth asks as she comes up behind them.

John grins. "Morning, Elizabeth. Sleep well?"

She narrows her gaze on him. "Yes, actually?" Tilting her chin down, she watches him closely. "You?"

He smiles again, rocking on his heels. "Like a baby." He motions to Rodney. "I was just telling McKay that Angie says hello."

Elizabeth raises her brows. "You've seen her this morning, already?"

A bit of a blush colors his cheeks and ears and he drops his gaze from hers, but she doesn't miss the boyish grin. Rodney groans and shakes his head. "Oh, please, he certainly wasn't in his room when I came knocking," he says with definite irritation. Rodney turns to Elizabeth. "You know those times he refuses to wear his headset and you can't find him? Just check her room."

"That's enough, McKay."

"Please, you're like teenagers in heat."

"McKay!" John sends a death glare to the scientist who looks appropriately chastised.

Rodney glances sheepishly back at Elizabeth. "Anyway…I've found something."

Elizabeth stares at the screen, instantly putting on her 'leader' hat and leaving the rest for later. That is how this whole thing is supposed to work. Right? "What is it?"

Rodney points at the blip on the screen. "That is the signature of an Ancient ship called the Aurora…"

oOo

It's been a rather uneventful day with Sheppard's team checking out the Ancient warship with the Daedalus' help and Major Lorne's team off-world on Belkan retrieving the supplies of grain Teyla bartered for two weeks ago—though John swears they got screwed on that deal.

Somehow, Elizabeth has finally managed to catch up on all her work. Every report read, every status file checked. It's odd, but for the first time in forever, she actually has time to herself, without having to feel guilty about it.

There haven't been any emergencies, and thankfully, no explosions since Rodney is out of the city. Dr. Zelenka and his crew are busy with some new Ancient toy that might be a fabrication device for cloth and other materials. Carson's in the infirmary working on 'something interesting' though he refuses to give her any further information. He did, however, promise her it has nothing to do with the Wraith retrovirus or the nanovirus and cannot infect anyone.

"Good to know," she told him.

Being ever astute, Carson did seem to understand that she had absolutely nothing to do with herself and practically ordered her to be lazy. "Take a walk, eat some junk food, read a book. Or better yet, go take a nap. You could use the extra sleep, Elizabeth. You rarely get any."

She nodded and left him to his work. Taking the first part of his advice, Elizabeth found herself heading back to the Control Room, but not to her office. She stepped out onto the balcony and rested her arms on the railing.

She's been there ever since, just watching the waves lap onto the lower portions of the city. The morning overcast has dissipated, though there are clouds floating around the sky and a humid, salty breeze warning of bad weather ahead. Still, it's a breathtaking view she can never get enough of seeing. Dusky red settles across the sky as the day wanes. She's about to head back in when the doors slide open and John emerges. He looks tired and a little sad. "I take it you didn't get to keep a new toy," she offers as condolences.

Licking his lips and shaking his head, he joins her at the railing. "Not this time."

Elizabeth straightens her arms as she holds on to the rail. She smiles at him. "Want to talk about it?"

John sticks his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "At the debriefing. I actually have a favor to ask." She waits. "I made a promise to someone. I'd like to have a toast to the crew of the Aurora at the end of the meeting."

Elizabeth narrows her gaze, considering him. "A toast?"

He nods. "You'll understand after Rodney and I tell you what happened."

She raises her brows. "Okay then. But I don't have any--"

"I do." He shrugs again. "Picked it up last time on Earth. I was saving it for New Year's Eve. Just wanted to get your permission…and perhaps some glasses."

Elizabeth grins and nods. "I think I can manage that." She looks over the ocean again. "Why don't we meet in my office instead of the conference room? Less formal."

"Sounds like a plan." He pokes his thumb over his shoulder. "Carson wants to check out my noggin, make sure it's all still here. And I'd like to stop by and see Angie…"

Elizabeth holds up a hand and offers a slim smile. "See you in about an hour then?"

John nods once and starts to head back inside. Elizabeth lets out a deep breath and crosses her arms. This is harder than she ever expected. Pretending nothing is going on when so much has happened.

And she told Angie she was glad about sharing him. At the time, she seemed to have meant it, but now…? Every time he mentions the other woman's name, it's like a knife in Elizabeth's heart. How could he not see that?

"Do you…?"

Elizabeth turns, seeing John standing at the door, his brows furrowed. "Would you like to say hi to Angie? I'm sure she'd appreciate the visit."

"Oh…uhm…" She wrinkles her nose. "I need to make the arrangements. You know how hard it is to find clean glasses around here."

"Right." He watches her for a moment. "Is something wrong?"

Elizabeth's brows shoot up. "No. Of course not."

He takes a step toward her. "Because…you did say you don't have a problem. With me and Angie…being together."

Elizabeth tries to put him at ease even though her stomach is flopping around like a fish dying out of water. She drops her gaze and looks at her feet as she rubs her hands over her bare arms. "I did say that, yes."

Please John, can't you see this is killing me?

"So we're good," he says.

Elizabeth meets his gaze, seeing a sadness in there, her best friend asking for forgiveness. She offers a weak smile. "Absolutely."

With another nod, John turns his back on her and disappears through the sliding doors. It takes all her strength not to crumple to the floor, hug her knees to her chest and sob like a little girl.

I'm not cut out for this.

oOo

Elizabeth sips her champagne. John and Rodney's recounting of their time in the artificial environment was truly amazing. And the courage and dedication of the Aurora crew is nothing short of inspiring and heartbreaking. There are several moments of silence as they each contemplate what has taken place. The wormhole activates and the usual alarms sound. There's a moment of tension, but Elizabeth raises her hand. "Major Lorne's team is due back now." No one leaves and the tension dissipates as the alarms are silenced.

All eyes turn toward the windows, seeing Lorne's team come through the gate carrying their bounty. Elizabeth grins at the rest of her group. "They're always on time." She offers a raised brow in John's direction. Both Teyla and Ronon follow Elizabeth's gaze but it's Teyla who looks back at the Atlantis leader wearing a wry smile of her own.

John sneers with a bit of good humor at the dig. "I still say we got hosed on that Belkan deal."

Teyla takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "As I mentioned before, Colonel. Negotiation is a delicate balance. One that had to be reset for prior…" Her eyes rest on Ronon, "difficulties."

Ronon rolls his eyes and Elizabeth tries to hold back a grin. From Teyla's report on the previous trip to Belkan, it seems Ronon took it upon himself to force a deal in Teyla's favor. This did not sit well with the other side or with Teyla. Elizabeth was surprised by the anger Teyla showed Ronon for several days following that incident, not unlike Elizabeth's anger toward Rodney because of the solar system he blew up at the same time.

Caldwell is the first to break from the group. Setting his empty glass on Elizabeth's desk and offering a goodnight to all. On his way out the door, he glances back and says, "Good work," to Sheppard and company, startling everyone. He departs before anyone has a chance to respond.

Lorne comes up to the office. He nods to Elizabeth. "No problems, ma'am. They even threw in something extra, some sort of spice…for a taste. If we like it, we can bargain for more."

Elizabeth smiles diplomatically. "Good. Have Dr. Beckett run his tests first."

Lorne nods. "Of course." He turns his eyes toward John, who seems to be watching the Major expectantly. Lorne grins as he reaches into his vest pocket, pulls out a small wooden box that fit in the palm of his hand. The delicately crafted wood is etched with an intricate floral design, and polished to a shine. He tosses it to John, who catches it easily, his smile wide, exposing his dimples. He sets his glass down and heads for the door. "Excuse me," he says as an after thought to no one in particular.

Ronon is close behind him. "Is that it?" They're beyond the threshold when Elizabeth hears Ronon say, "Let me see."

Elizabeth's gaze dances from Lorne to Teyla then to Rodney. She sees that Rodney has the same confused look on his face she must be wearing. "What's going on?" Elizabeth asks.

Lorne raises his brows and presses his lips together in a tight line. "Nothing, ma'am. The Colonel just asked me to pick that up for him. If you'll excuse me, I'd like to help my team put the supplies away."

Elizabeth nods giving Lorne his leave. Both she and Rodney stare at Teyla expectantly. "I too have work--"

"Teyla?"

"Yes?"

"What was that?"

Teyla glances over her shoulder, probably hoping for escape, then looks back at Elizabeth. "That was… a personal item commissioned by the Colonel."

"A box?" Rodney asks in his usual tone. "He commissioned a box? What did he trade for it…a rock?"

Teyla smiles as she would at a small child. "I believe he traded some of the…Haskin alcohol for it."

"Well, it was lovely," Elizabeth says.

"Still," Rodney counters. "Why would he want a tiny box?"

Elizabeth glances down at her desk, seeing the urn he gave her for her birthday. Obviously the box is a present for someone. Most likely, Angela.

"I truly have no idea," Teyla sighs. "The Colonel was kind enough to take Ronon on that mission while I kept the trade meeting."

Elizabeth nods in understanding. "I see."

"But he must have told you," Rodney says. He whined about lab work so he didn't have to go on that off-world mission and John hadn't argued the point. Now, Elizabeth could see Rodney kicking himself for staying behind in his lab. He hates being out of the loop.

Teyla shakes her head. "He did not. And I did not ask." Teyla's tone clearly indicates she has no intention of discussing the matter further. She takes her friendship with John very seriously.

"Wait a minute--" Rodney starts but Elizabeth stops him with a hand to his arm.

"It's okay, Rodney. We don't have to know everything."

Taking that as a cue, Teyla nods to Elizabeth and leaves. Rodney's gaping mouth closes then opens and closes again. "But…I like to." He rushes after Teyla and Elizabeth can hear him peppering her with more questions.

Elizabeth gathers up the glasses and places them on the tray and heads for the mess hall for dinner. Even as she tries to put it out of her mind, she sees the beautiful little box that made John's eyes light up with joy.

And her stomach twists into a knot.

oOo

It's raining, though not too heavily, as Elizabeth stands on her balcony in the middle of the night. Atlantis is asleep, for the most part. The soldiers that watch the gate room are on guard as usual, but otherwise, everything is quiet.

After dinner, Elizabeth returned to her office to see if the reports were submitted. She found much more than she expected. She received Teyla's, Caldwell's and Rodney's to peruse. She didn't expect to see Ronon's or John's reports anytime soon, those two are notorious for avoiding paperwork, even if it could be simply typed and e-mailed to her. But Dr. Zelenka and his team also had something for her to read. Some fifty pages of something to read. The Aurora reports were easy enough to get through, even Rodney's with his usual scientific exuberance and explanations, but Dr. Zelenka's managed to make her eyes cross many times and had her nodding off at least once before she put it aside and came out to let the wispy rain dance on her face.

With her eyes closed, she leans into the softly pelting water, letting it wash away her thoughts and fears.

So many fears lately. And they all revolve around John.

"Here you are," he says from behind her.

Elizabeth blinks and spins. John's standing in front of the closed doors. He's dressed down in jeans again, something she's still not used to seeing.

With two strides he's in front of her, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. "You're all wet," he says softly, flashing that adorable grin. With one touch, he takes her breath away. Then he's pulling her to him, capturing her mouth in a passionate kiss that nearly buckles her knees. His arms encircle her, trapping her against his hard chest.

No!

She can't let this happen anymore. He's only here because Angie's left for PXT-705 with Rodney about five hours ago. And as much as Elizabeth wants to be with John, she can't be part of this deal any longer.

It has to end. One way or another.

Pulling out of the kiss is harder than she expected and it costs her a sob. "Stop." Her hands flat on his chest, Elizabeth pushes away from him and he releases her. Confusion plays over his gorgeous face and there's pain in his eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, John." She leans against the railing, not caring that she's fully exposed to the weather. "I can't be with you…not like this." Elizabeth shakes her head, bringing her hands up to cover her face and hide her sob. "It's too hard."

John pulls her hands down. "Elizabeth--"

Hot tears drip onto her cold cheeks. "I'm not strong enough. Not for this."

"But I love you. You love me…you said--"

"I know what I said!" She stomps away, wrapping her arms tight around her wet shirt. "You don't have to keep reminding me."

"Reminding you…?" He heaves a sigh. "What are you saying? You won't risk Atlantis--"

She spins on him. "I already told you I would. I'm not the problem, John. You can't keep doing this to me. Either we're together or we're not. It's you're choice. Do you want me?"

John grabs her by the upper arms and holds her tight, his face creased with seriousness. "You know I do." He cups her face with his warm hands. "That's what I came to tell you." He gently pushes a stray curl behind her ear. "Something's…going to happen." He leans in and stares into her eyes. "It's going to change everything. Possibly even how you feel about me."

She shakes her head. "Nothing can do that."

"Are you so sure?"

"I've never loved anyone like I do you, John. That's why I was so scared for so long. Why I denied it. All these feelings are so new to me. I was terrified of losing our friendship…of losing you."

He pulls her head to his shoulder and hugs her close. "You'll never lose me, Elizabeth."

"I…" she searches for the words, something that's never been a problem, until now. "I want you to be happy." Even if it's not with me.

"That's the plan," he says, lifting her face so he can bring his lips down upon hers again.

It's not long before she's lost in the feel of his lips and his hands on her wet skin as he skims them up under the hem of her top. He deftly unhooks her bra and brings his caress around to the front, still under her shirt. His thumbs play over her breast, bringing them to instant attention. It's as if he can read her mind. He knows exactly where to touch her and how.

Gasping when John breaks the kiss, Elizabeth drops her head back, giving him full access to her neck where his lips ultimately land as his hands continue to explore her flesh. She finds herself backing up and suddenly against a wall, water pouring down her back, but she doesn't care.

They could be spotted at any minute by a patrol. But she doesn't care.

John lifts her shirt and bra up to expose her. The cool air makes her shiver, but not as much as his hot mouth when he sucks and licks her so gently, so sensuously, she almost loses it right then. His fingers slide under the rim of her pants, making her stomach flutter with the usual anticipation. Then he undoes the zipper and her pants are dropping and she still can't find a reason to care.

As his mouth returns to hers, his tongue slowly dips inside at the same time as he carefully enters her. The sensation is maddening, especially as he starts to move both in tandem while his hands expertly cup and squeeze her breasts.

Elizabeth weaves her fingers into his damp hair and relinquishes all control. She opens herself to him completely, offering herself up as a human sacrifice for his wants and desires. It's all she can do. As if she has no will of her own.

Their grunts and moans combine and get carried away on the rain and wind. She doesn't feel the cold any longer, only heat. Heat from within, ready to burn her up from the inside out, leaving nothing but ashes to be washed away by the storm.

His hands slide down her body, gripping her hips tight as his thrust become more powerful, urgent, needy. The deeper he drives, igniting sparks of pleasure throughout her body, the surer Elizabeth is that spontaneous human combustion is inevitable. And again, she doesn't care. She's given herself over to him…there's nothing left.

Except this.

With the final plunge, they hold each other, crying out, shuddering as one and tears spring to Elizabeth's eyes. She knows in that moment there's nothing else to be said.

This is goodbye.