Remembrance
Kagura Kyo Shinra
Warning: This contains shounen-ai. That's boy-boy love. If you don't like that then don't read it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Final Fantasy.
Part Two:
"I refuse to believe that you just let him go," Rinoa said.
"There was nothing I could do, Rinoa." He paused. "Thank you for coming out here to speak with me."
"You didn't expect me to just speak with you on the phone about something this important, did you?"
"Rinoa, you're so good. Do me a favor."
"Anything!" she said and stroked his arm.
"Leave Zone and come back to me so we can spend our lives together."
"Oh, Squall!" She laughed. "And what good would that do? We'd both end up in a meaningless relationship. True, we love each other more than most friends, but both of use have fallen for somebody else."
"Shouldn't that be my punishment for sending Seifer into the same kind of life?"
"Seifer . . ." Rinoa said thoughtfully. "I wonder why he wouldn't tell you if your memories were true. I know he remembers. It just must be painful for him. Squall, do you trust me?"
"Of course."
Rinoa smiled and placed her hand on the top of Squall's head. She began to speak to him, but he could no longer hear her, only see her mouth moving. The room grew dark, darker, and his eyes heavy. Then everything disappeared.
"Ahahaha, look at her, she doesn't even see us!" Seifer whispered.
Squall looked at him with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Quistis would have us punished if she caught us out so late."
The boys looked to be around 10 or 11. They were never apart, and Squall liked the feeling of having Seifer beside him. It gave him a tingle of excitement if he accidentally brushed up against him or felt Seifer's breath in his ear.
"Where'd she go, Squally?"
"I don't . . ." Squall's words broke off into a grand yawn.
"You sleepy?"
"No," Squall said, rubbing his eyes. "There's no way I'm gonna give up before midnight. We made a vow that we'd stay up to see if that ghost really walks the halls at midnight."
"I don't want you to make yourself sick. Here."
Seifer pulled his coat off and laid it on the dirt of the indoor garden in the quad. He sat and pulled Squall down beside him. Squall wrapped his arms around one of Seifer's, explaining that he was cold, and then rested his head upon Seifer's broad shoulder.
"Better?" Seifer asked.
"The best," Squall mumbled, but Seifer didn't hear him.
Seifer brought up his other hand and ran it through Squall's hair. "You're so pretty, Squall. Please, let's not ever stop being friends, because I couldn't stand that."
Squall listened to Seifer's words, but he paid more attention to the rhythmic vibrations they caused in both Seifer's body as well as his own. Something was right here, but young Squall didn't know enough to grasp what.
A swirling black poured around Squall, and he closed his eyes only to wake up again someplace else.
"Hey, Leonhart!" Eric, a last year student (who still hadn't made SeeD yet) called.
Squall stood firm, but his young body (which looked about 12 now) wavered a bit.
"Isn't it a little late for you to be walking around the training center?"
"It's not after hours," Squall said.
Eric approached Squall quickly and resolutely. He grabbed the boy's thin wrist and held it firmly.
"It's dangerous in here, but I'll take you somewhere safe."
He pressed his crotch against Squall's hip and rubbed Squall's shoulders roughly. Squall tried to pull away but Eric was much larger than him. He hated the way Eric made him feel dirty and worthless.
"Come on, Squall. Don't be so shy." He squeezed Squall's butt and breathed heavily in his ear. "Fuck you're ass is so tight."
"Please, let me go," Squall whined.
"What's the matter? You'll only putout for Seifer?"
"Seifer and I are only friends."
"Good, then he won't mind if I have some fun with you."
He leaned into Squall.
ROAR!
"Oh, fuck!" Eric shouted. "What the hell's a T-Rexaur doing in the entrance?"
Eric shoved Squall down and ran out of the training center as fast as he could.
Squall stared at the great monster in front of him, too scared to move.
"Squally!"
Seifer ran up to him and grabbed his hand.
"I released the T-Rexaur to save you from dumb-ass, but don't let it get you!"
Squall stood up and followed Seifer out of the training center. As they exited, a group of SeeD's raced in to take care of the monster.
"Thank you, Seifer," Squall said.
"Don't worry about it, Squall. That guy is a jerk! Please, try to stay away from him. I don't want him to hurt you."
Squall blushed and grinned. Seifer's attention always got to him and made him feel perfect.
The room faded again and Squall was transported once again.
"Seifer," Squall mumbled. "I have to begin using GFs next week. Are they difficult to control?"
"I don't really use that many, Squall. But I know you're strong enough."
"I can't help feel as though this is some kind of turning point or something."
His body now had the clear form of a young 15 year old.
"Sit down," Seifer said motioning to the spot beside him on the quad floor.
Squall began to sit down but hesitated. He blushed and sat down in front of Seifer, between his legs.
"Squall?" Seifer asked. "What are you doing?"
Squall leaned back and rested his head against Seifer's chest.
"It feels good here, Seifer. You're not angry, are you?"
Seifer put his hands on Squall's hips and pulled him closer.
"Squall," he moaned into the younger boy's ear.
Squall felt his body react to Seifer's, and although he was still young, he knew he could spend his life here and be happy.
Squall twisted his body around enough to face Seifer. He touched Seifer's cheek and sighed.
"Seifer . . ."
Seifer closed the distance between their mouths and captured Squall in a soft kiss. And in that instant, Squall knew he belonged in that spot forever.
Squall stretched his arms and yawned. The couch under him was soft, and somebody was holding his hand in a gentle motherly grasp.
"Rinoa?" Squall asked groggily.
"You awake?" she asked.
Squall sat up and looked around. He was back in his office, lying on the couch. Rinoa sat on the floor beside him, holding his hand.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, Squall. I just wanted you to be able to remember that's why I used my powers to awaken them. Are you angry?"
"No, no!" he said. "I'm so grateful!" He kissed her forehead. "You made me remember!"
"Remember what?" She shied away. "I mean, if you don't mind telling me."
Squall stood up and put his coat on.
"Where are you going?"
"To Dollet. That's where Seifer is. I'm going to get him."
"You're going to tell him how you feel! How do you feel, Squall?"
Squall continued to get ready to leave, as he did, he spoke to her quickly and firmly. "I know he won't hurt me. I thought I remembered things, but I was only remembering part. Maybe my mind only let me remember the bad things to push him away, but it doesn't matter now. I know the truth, Rinoa. He's the only one I've ever understood and who's understood me. I'm not gonna just let him get away! He only treated me badly after I forgot the relationship we shared. When we became friends again, Seifer treated me good again. He was only hurt, but now . . . Rinoa! I can't even think!" Squall stopped and turned to her. "What if . . . what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he's happy with Nida now? What if he doesn't want to give me a chance because of how I've pulled away all this time?"
"Don't think, just feel!" Rinoa shouted. "He's not gonna push you away. Just tell him you remember the friendship you had, the friendship that was about to turn into something else, and you're not afraid anymore. Oh, Squall!" She said, clasping her hands. "You guys are going to be so happy!"
Rinoa's words resounded in Squall's ears, but he couldn't be sure. He'd pushed Seifer away for so long. What if Seifer wouldn't give him a chance?
Squall spent a week in Dollet, and finally decided to give up. He was sure Seifer and Nida had gone to Dollet when they left, but he must have been mistaken. They were no where to be found.
"Looking down," the bartender of the pub Squall was eating in told him. "Lost your girl?"
"Something like that . . ." Squall mumbled.
"You sound just like that other young man . . . about your age too."
"Is that so?" Squall said with an angry sigh.
He had no desire to speak with this old man about nonsense. The only thing on his mind was Seifer.
"Poor young man . . . His boyfriend had dumped him and moved to Timber. Something about his store wouldn't work here, so he wanted to go to another town, but that blonde boy said Timber would bring too many bad thoughts . . . Thing is, I think it was something else bothering him not his boyfriend leaving . . . Poor Seifer."
"Seifer!" Squall shouted.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was his name."
"Where is he?"
"Let's see . . . I think he said he was going to get a job at the fishing docks."
"Thanks!"
Squall threw some money on the counter and ran out of the pub. He ran and didn't stop until he had reached the docks. They were empty, but a row of one room apartments for the workers stood nearby. Squall ran to each of them, knocking on every door until he finally found the one he was searching for.
"Squall!" Seifer said as he opened the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I had to find you. Please, I need to talk."
Seifer let him in and closed the door behind them. He offered him some of the strange food that was apparently his dinner, but Squall politely refused.
"How did you find me?"
"I've been here for like a week, but I didn't think to check the fishing docks. I was going to leave tomorrow, but the old man in the pub told me about you . . . and Nida."
"Oh." Seifer rubbed the back of his head and turned away. "It just didn't work . . ."
"Why didn't you come back to Garden?"
"I couldn't," Seifer said. "I couldn't go back again and face it all. I wanted this to be the end of it, but it didn't matter . . . I realized there is no end with you, Squall. No matter what I do, I can't forget you."
"Then you won't send me away?"
Seifer laughed a great barking laugh, and then realized Squall was serious.
"Why would I send you away? I'm glad to see you, Squall."
"Seifer!" Squall shouted.
Tears stung his eyes but didn't fall. He threw himself against Seifer's strong frame, clutching onto his arms. But Seifer pushed him away.
"Don't, Squall," he said. "Your body against mine makes me feel to good."
Squall struggled to find Seifer's body again, but Seifer continued to hold him at arm's length.
"What's gotten into you?"
"I remember, Seifer!" he sobbed, allowing himself to cry. "I remember everything. I remember what I felt. I remember how you looked at me!"
"You remember . . . how?"
"Rinoa used her powers to help me remember, and I know that I needed you back then because you were the only person who saw me for who I was, and I need you now."
"Oh, Squall," Seifer said with an amused but disappointed sigh. "You're just confused because all of your memories have suddenly come rushing back. You were just curious back then, I've realized that for a while now and have accepted it. You don't really feel this way or else you would have realized it before. Feelings are something you can't forget."
Squall squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from crying, but he couldn't. Seifer patted his head and let go of him, stepping away. Squall bowed his head but continued to look at Seifer like a child.
"Please, don't cry Squall. And don't look at me like that, God it makes me wanna take you right now. See, don't worry about making me feel bad. Everything I feel isn't romantic nonsense, I do fantasize about sleeping with you, Squall." He peered at Squall, questionably. "Take that uncomfortable knowledge and use it to stop feeling sorry for me. You'll feel better."
"I really wanted to believe Rinoa when she said that you wouldn't push me away." Squall's vision dropped to the floor. "All this time that you've been back, I've been scared of getting close to you because I knew you'd hurt me, but when I remembered . . . I knew you couldn't ever hurt me. But right now I'm in so much pain I don't think I can breath."
Squall stood in the silent room for a moment, preparing himself to leave and then turned to go.
"Wait a minute," Seifer said, catching Squall's shoulder and turning him back around. "What do you mean you were scared?"
"I didn't understand at first, but then I realized that I was attracted to you, but I was so afraid you'd end up hurting me. The only memories I had of you ended up with you doing something cruel."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was afraid it would hurt you even more."
"No, Squall," Seifer said. "You lied to me. You just completely lied to me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I asked you twice if there were any doubts in your mind that you might care for me, and you said no. How can I trust what you're telling me now if you lied to me then?"
Panic raced through Squall's body. He couldn't stand to have Seifer not believe him or reject him, but he was right. He had lied to Seifer. If he hadn't have been so much of a coward none of this would be happening.
"I was afraid, Seifer," Squall whispered. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"Maybe you should go," Seifer said.
"What?"
"Maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe my own memories are fooling me. I thought that you and I could never hurt each other, but you lied to me, and I just don't know anymore Squall. You should go."
Squall stared at Seifer, tears brimming his eyes. How could Seifer turn him away like this? How could Squall leave this place without Seifer, knowing he'd never be in those strong arms again? But perhaps it was what he deserved for his cowardliness.
Squall looked up at Seifer one last time, and then turned for the door.
"Go back to Garden, Squall," Seifer sighed. "Forget about this whole mistake that was us."
Squall shook his head. "I'm not going back to Garden. There's nothing for me there," he explained and disappeared through the door.
TBC . . .