A/N: This is a one shot from Kikyo's point of view of the battle that goes on in her head. Turns out a bit angsty, not my usual style… but here goes…
p.s. once again I appologise for the use of all these… … …
Disclaimer: as always I do not own Inu and Co…
Farewell
Once more I was forced out of the village… just when I had gotten to know the people and found my place amongst them, my need for souls got the better of me and I was discovered with my soul seekers and turned out.
So now, I am once again without home, nowhere to go, and I wonder aimlessly into the forest trying to gather back my forces. Since I was reborn from the ashes, I got to know very well m darker side… it is a pity, for I once was a caring miko and doing good was my life. Now I am forced to feed on the souls of people. The very human beings I once cared for.
It is a terrible life, if it could be called that. I have come to realize that I, Kikyo, am living but only a shadow of a life that I once led. The only thing that keeps me alive apart from the souls, is the thirst for revenge.
Revenge... a dreadful word that keeps echoing in my empty being. My dark side keeps shouting at me to get revenge, slowly eating me away. The few shreds of my old self I have left, try to keep it down but I fear that I am not strong enough to hold it back. The dark force that brought me back to existence is slowly taking me over and destroying me.
Inuyasha… whenever his name comes into mind, my old part of me warms at the name but my other side… turns black in anger and lusts for revenge. It is when we meet that it is most difficult to control my darker side. I am afraid I have hurt my former lover many a time because of this. And it is for this reason that I do my best to stay clear of him. How I wish I could embrace him one more time without feeling a part of me planning on killing him. How wish I could tell him how sorry I am for what happened…
Yes… I finally know what really happened even though my dark side doesn't accept the fact that it's not his fault. It was the fault of both of us and our mistrusting natures. It was our destiny… I've accepted that now….and I wish I could move on and find peace and help him move on… but my corrupt being won't let me…and it's getting stronger… I can feel it… there are times when I have no control over it…
The last time our paths crossed I completely lost all control and tried to kill him… I might have succeeded had that girl from the future not come between us. As soon as she got near me I felt all the anger and hatred dissipating and I was forced to retreat. Thank kami for that. Then I got a hold of myself once more just as the darker force was at its lowest. It's always like that when we meet. That girl he travels with… she is said to be my incarnation… but though we share the same soul we are very different beings… I can see it in her eyes…the trust…the love…the selflessness… I was never like that!
That's when it hit me…the way to find my peace…she was the key… I suddenly walked with direction. I sent my soul seekers ahead in search of the group Inuyasha is leading whilst I rested myself against a tree…Very soon I was brought news of their whereabouts and I followed my creatures towards him… the path I followed took me to my old home… the village where I had lived in my former life… and I thought it very appropriate that it should all end there…
The girl saw me moving in the shadows… and I sensed her aura going stronger and on the defensive… I waited… curious to see whether or not she would tell him that I was there… then I knew it was of no importance… him being a hanyou, he soon picked up the scent of clay that I'm doomed to carry, and I heard him shout my name…
I felt anger and hatred bubbling inside me but managed to force them down… and with a whispered prayer for strength I stepped into the clearing and faced him…
As always they greeted me with a step back and frowns…Inuyasha stepped in front of the girl to protect her…
"Kikyo! What do you want?" he asked sadly… he can never take a stand in my presence … that's what always gave me the chance of attack… and now I've come to end it…the dark force was becoming stronger and I knew I had no time to waste…
"I've come to talk to the miko from the future" I said looking straight in her eyes. I saw her hesitation and surprise. Her friends made a step forward in her defence.
"Say whatever you have to say fast and be gone" said the slayer harshly pointing her giant boomerang in my direction.
"No! I must see her alone… this is a private matter between her and I" I said desperately trying to hold myself together…the girl sensed my inner battle and decided to come forwards…
"I'll be fine guys… I'll only be a call away" she said holding them back… Inuyasha didn't seem happy at all with the arrangement and neither were her companions but she still followed me back in the forest…
I walked a few paces and stopped at the Goshimboku…the sacred tree always had a special meaning to me…
"What do you want Kikyo?" she asked slowly… I couldn't reply… I stared at the tree and looked at the village further up… I don't know if I can do this… she waited patiently for a few minutes then asked me again "Kikyo? What do you want?"
I pulled myself together and forced a smile… then turned to face her and with a deep breath said "I want you to take back the part of the soul that is residing in me"
Her eyes widened in surprise "what…what…why?"
"I've come to realize that this is no longer my place" I said sadly turning back to look at the Goshimboku and placing my hand on its bark "I am only a shadow of my former self…there's no point in living like this…I don't want to loose myself to the dark force that brought me back. Please Kagome… help me find my peace..."
I faced her again and to my greatest surprise she was crying… she… the one I've tried to kill at least a dozen times, her friends and her love…she was shedding tears for me…it's amazing how she could still pity one who has harmed her so much…I was never like that…
I smiled at her and managed to whisper "I don't deserve your tears Kagome…you should learn to be strong in front of your enemies and finish them without hesitation or they'll get you instead."
She hung her head low "I am not a great fighter like you were Kikyo"
"Oh but you are! You have more power in you than I ever had…you only need to find your strength and have control over your inner self…" I said "You have to believe in yourself Kagome. Now… will you help me find my peace?" I asked hopefully…
She nodded slowly "if that's what you want than I will " she whispered "I can sense the pain you are going through…so I will help you…but I can't stop thinking of Inuyasha… he.. he wouldn't bare it if you died"
"You'll be there for him Kagome…I know you will… but it is important for him to understand… to have no guilt for what happened… I must talk to him… one last time… please… I have to explain…" I was afraid she wouldn't let me anywhere near him.
"Of course Kikyo" she replied "You can have all the time you need… I'll call him then give you some privacy" she added moving away
"No you must stay!" I said holding her back "You must stay…just in case…I don't have much strength left…I could loose control any moment…you might have to stop me if the dark force takes over…promise me Kagome…you won't let me hurt him… "I pleaded
"I promise" she said tears falling from sad eyes
"And can you give me a proper burial so that my soul might find peace in heaven?"
She cried harder but nodded "We'll take your ashes back to the village where they used to be and have a proper ceremony" she said with a broken voice…
"One last thing… here…it would be a great honour if you would keep my bow and sacred arrows… these were designed for use by a miko…you'll find you strength with these" then with a deep breath I added "now you can call him" and I leaned against the Goshimboku for support.
He was there in a flash… he must have smelt her tears and was hovering close by.
"Are you alright Kagome?" he asked urgently "Why are you crying?"
"Kikyo wants to talk to you Inuyasha" she said in a small voice. He looked at me with those beautiful golden orbs and moved towards me. Kagome held a few paces back and turned her back to give us some space.
When he got next to me I felt a rush of panic…what if I attacked him? What if we ended up fighting to the death? What I didn't manage to say my goodbye? What if … …
"Kikyo" he said my name in harsh and yet sad tone of voice… at that moment I couldn't help myself… I fell to the ground and cried... I felt him kneel beside me … I looked up into his golden eyes…they were full of sadness and pity…
"I'm sorry!" I blurted out "I'm so sorry…" he took me in his arms and hugged me close… I cried even harder… "I'm sorry for what happened in the past…I'm sorry for not trusting you enough… I'm sorry for not accepting you as you are… I'm sorry for all the hurt and trouble I've caused in the present days… and most of all I'm sorry for the guilt feeling I forced on you" I held to him tight … he never said a word but kept holding me as I cried "please…forgive me Inuyasha…forgive me and move on…"
"I'm sorry too Kikyo" he whispered "I'm sorry for what happened between us… and I'm sorry for not finding a way to help you like I promised… I've forgiven you a long time ago…I"
I could feel my soul getting weaker… I didn't have much time left… "Promise me Inuyasha…promise me that you'll move on and be happy… Kagome will explain… she'll always be there for you…she's everything I never could be…promise me" I urged him
He looked in my eyes not sure what to think "I … I…" "Promise me Inuyasha! Before it's too late" I said urgently
"I promise" he whispered softly. Feeling my eyes turning darker I called her "Kagome now! Hurry I can't hold it much longer!" She came rushing forwards…tears clouding her eyes…
"Farewell my Inuyasha" I whispered and closing my eyes I hugged my love one last time and kissed him softly. He was surprised but hugged and kissed me back as if sensing that this was to be our last time together…I felt a battle raging inside me… before I could change my mind I moved away from Inuyasha and took Kagome's hand…
Inuyasha POV
They disappeared in a flash of blue and white light…it suddenly hit me what happened… Kikyo was gone… she had returned her part soul to Kagome…
The blue light was disappearing… I could see Kagome faintly…she was on the ground crying … a mound of ashes in front of her…Kikyo…
I rushed to her side and helped her up… between tears she mumbles "I'm so sorry Inu… I had to… she asked me to… I… "
I hugged her close to comfort her "Shhh…shhh….it's what she wanted Kagome…she's found her peace…everything's the way it should be…" I hugged her closer "Everything's the way it should be…"