Would Finny ever understand me? Would he ever care enough to? I couldn't put all the blame on him, of course. I was too embarrassed and afraid to let him know how I felt.
Love can take you to the edge and beyond. It can bring you everything you ever dreamed of, and everything you were ever afraid of in the same blow.
Love, while meaning worship for another being to the point that you hate yourself, can also mean loving that person until you hate yourself, them, and the rest of the world. Love can involve a lot of obsession and fetishes.
Nothing, not even love, can last forever. Unless by some miracle two souls can be united in the afterlife, that is.
My love for Finny had sprouted leaves, then blossomed into a gorgeous flower, and turned black with hatred in less than a week.
I was confused all the time. I never knew what direction my heart was leading me in. I never knew if I loved Finny, or hated him and wanted nothing more than his death. Sometimes, I didn't know up from down, left from right, or light from darkness. I had become very forgetful, doing terribly on tests that should have been a breeze to me. I wanted to lay all of the blame on Phineas, but I couldn't make myself believe that it was his fault forever. In the end, I knew I had brought all of this upon myself.
Love, though it usually represents something good, can cause very evil thoughts and actions. I soon discovered that I couldn't get the image of Finny, sleeping unsuspectingly in his bed, out of my mind. It kept reappearing all night. I wanted to be with him there again. And, this time, I wanted him to know that I loved him. I would be bold and unafraid of what he thought and what he said. I would confess my deepest desires and affections for him.
And, he would love me back.
I decided, as I lie awake on my bed into the early morning hours, that the following night, Saturday, after Finny had spent a hard day at work, I would sneak into his house and confess all my secret fondness for him. I would make him listen to me all the way through. He would understand with time. He may hate me at first, but soon he would have to give in, as well. He would be too tired to protest against what I had to say. I would let him know exactly how I felt. Perhaps I would get a love confession from him as well. It would be perfect, like Romeo and Juliet acknowledging their love for the first time.
Only slightly different from Shakespeare's version.
I didn't get a wink of sleep all night. I kept thinking in circles, going off target for a few minutes, but always getting back to Finny, who was in the middle of all the circles.
He was the new center of my world, the apple of my eye, and everything I lived for.