Depression
Best Of You — Foo Fighters
The next morning, Sirius accompanied Drucilla's body to Ambrose Funeral Home. He carried her dress and the photographs alongside Madame Pomfrey, who had arranged a carriage to bring the three of them to Hogsmeade. He'd never noticed the black horses before. But he wasn't concentrating on them.
He was concentrating on the body carefully laid on the seat before him, covered with a white sheet. Covered so no one could see her dead. Truly dead. Sirius wanted to tear the sheet off, and hold her one last time.
The carriage went over a small bump in the snow, and her hand fell from under the sheet. Sirius stared at the arm, dragging slightly on the floor of the carriage. Her fingers slowly uncurled and the back of her hand slid on the floor, towards him. Was she reaching out to him in some way? Just as Sirius reached his own hand out to touch hers, Madame Pomfrey noticed Drucilla's arm hanging down, and she tucked it back under the sheet, muttering an apology. Sirius felt anger and sadness turn to acid in his stomach and he grimaced. All he wanted was to touch her hand.
"I'm sorry, Mr Black," Madame Pomfrey said when she noticed the sour expression on his face. "I didn't know that was going to happen to upset you." And another adult got it all wrong.
They arrived at the funeral home and Madame Pomfrey waved her wand. Drucilla rose off the seat and floated out of the carriage. Two of Mr Ambrose's associates set her body on a cold, metal, wheeled table and rolled her into the Home. Ambrose came outside with his father, the Older Mr Ambrose.
"Are those the effects for the wake?" Young Ambrose asked.
"Yes," Sirius handed the dress and photos to the young man.
"Thank you, son. We'll take excellent care of her," said Old Ambrose.
"Thanks, Archie," Madame Pomfrey said.
"Anything for you, Poppy," replied Old Ambrose. Madame Pomfrey blushed. Sirius climbed in the carriage. Madame Pomfrey signed a paper, then got in after him. He turned away from the Hog's Head when they rode by, and Sirius thought more about Drucilla.
She'd be in the basement now. She'd lay naked before Archie Ambrose and his son as they worked on her, cleaning her, touching her up, preserving her, sewing up her bite marks. They'd lift parts of it—they'd take her chin in their fingers, in their cool, manicured hands, and turn her head. They'd run combs through her hair.
He thought of his girlfriend naked, lying on a metal table waiting to be touched one last time by these strangers. They'd touch her with care of course, but it was a callous care. A clinical one. And then the satin cushions of her casket would prop her head up and she'd be wheeled into an empty classroom with a frozen face—like a doll's—and that burgundy bridesmaid dress. She'd be peered at and prayed over, commented on, and grieved, then ultimately, she'd be entombed. She'd descend into a hole in the frozen ground and Sirius could hear the dirt thudding against the coffin so distantly, yet as though he were in there with her.
And she would lie in the dark with the earth packed in on top of her for six feet until it gave way to grass or maybe asphodel and open air she'd never see or smell or sense. She'd lie there for a thousand years, and never to hear the footfalls of those visiting her headstone. Unable to hear anything of the village above because the dirt was packed in between them.
Only Of You — Green Day
Sirius found himself at the doors of the castle. Remus, Peter, and James met him in the entrance hall.
"McGonagall excused our class today," Peter explained before Sirius could ask why they weren't in Transfiguration.
"Did you see her?" James asked.
"Just the sheet. I didn't want to anyway," Sirius shrugged it away. "The wake's tomorrow. You can tell people."
"What'll we do till then?" Remus asked, honestly baffled.
"I don't know," Sirius shrugged again.
"We could go hang around Peeves. He's always raising hell," James said, and they wandered off in search of the poltergeist. After 45 minutes of wandering, and incredibly not finding Peeves (and Remus and Sirius shooting down any possibility of torturing Snivellus), they went to the Gryffindor common room. Lily walked across the room and threw her arms around Sirius. "Oh, Sirius. I'm sorry."
"Relax, Lily. It's getting easier," Sirius hugged her back.
"How can it be easy?" Lily asked.
"Don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell. I guess I'm getting used to the idea."
"As long as it makes you feel better," James said.
"Better? I'm getting used to it, and it makes me feel worse. I feel like an absolute asshole to think that I'll one day just accept her death and move on," Sirius walked away from the group and threw himself into a high back chair.
"He still hasn't mourned," James said almost snidely as he sat himself in a chair that two fifth years had quickly vacated.
"He will. Give him time," Lily said gently. She sat on the arm of James's chair. James growled and pulled her into his lap. Lily squealed, laughed at herself, then snogged him.
I Want To Be Alone — Green Day
Remus walked over to Sirius. He watched Remus sit down in front of him and block sight of James and Lily.
"Thanks," Sirius said.
Remus cocked his head to the side. "For what?"
Sirius waved it away and shook his head.
"God, Moony, I miss her."
"We all do, Padfoot," Remus smiled at Sirius. He wanted to let Sirius know he wasn't alone with his pain. "We all do."
"I need her with me, or else it feels like I'm suffocating. I feel like she's air, you know, and I'm getting less and less of it because all I can think about is that she's not here," Sirius looked at Remus, hoping he would understand.
Remus stretched his arms so his sleeves would slink back and expose his wrists. He curled one arm under his chin so Sirius would look right at it. "She does have that effect on people."
"Ah, Moony, I forgot. I forgot how much you loved her, too," Sirius's voice cracked like he was getting ready to finally grieve. He cleared his throat and sniffled. No tears came and his face went back to the empty canvas it had been.
"True, I loved her. But this was a very stupid, juvenile sort of thing to do. I know that now," Remus said regretfully. "Besides, Severus thinks it's fun to play with my scars while we—. Er—. Sorry."
Sirius closed his eyes and frowned. Remus left him, knowing Sirius wouldn't want even his closest friends to see his tears.
I need to feel pain, Sirius thought.
This is pain, Sirius, answered the voice in his head.
I want to mourn Drucilla.
When you do, you will.
What the hell does that mean, huh?
When you are ready to mourn, you will.
I'm ready now.
Are you sure she's gone?
Sirius sat up in the chair. Are you sure she's gone? The question spun in his mind. Was he sure? Sirius stood, went to his dorm, and held Drucilla's pillow to his face.
It still feels like she's here, I reckon.
When that goes away, you'll be ready to mourn.
How long do I have to suffer?
How long do you want to?
Sirius hadn't an answer for that, so he stopped the conversation with himself. He wanted her to walk through the door and say, "Get up off your ass, for God's sake. Quit your goddamned moping over me."
Sirius lay on his bed and let his mind wander. Soon, Remus and Peter found him fast asleep, clutching Drucilla's pillow like a teddy bear.
Brain Stew — Green Day
Sirius slept hard. He slept and slept until James started talking in his own sleep, something he did just before waking up (and he was especially resonant this morning). James was sleeping with his legs curled under his chest and his bottom in the air. Sirius hadn't seen him sleep like that since their first year at Hogwarts. He laughed to himself and then looked out the window. The sky was pink and orange and grey, and sunrise was still hours away. Even the birds were still sleeping. Sirius rested his arms on the windowsill and stood with his hips bent to the left. He stood, and watched the sky turn totally orange, then yellow, and then blue as dawn broke over the Pennines.
Happy Friday, Sirius Black.
His roommates woke up with the sun in their faces and got dressed, Sirius alongside them. Frank Longbottom crossed the dorm and approached Sirius.
"Black, I—I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful this is for you. She was a good egg. Oh, if I ever lost Alice…."
"Thanks, Frank," Sirius said, and put his hand out to shake Frank's. Frank shook his head and hugged Sirius.
"Hey, Longbottom, you're all right," James said and Frank and James laughed. The five of them gathered their book bags and headed down to breakfast.
"What's today?" Sirius asked.
"Friday," Remus said, and grinned at Sirius.
"I know that, you moron, what classes do we have?" Sirius sat in his usual spot at the breakfast table. He set his book bag down where Drucilla would've sat, then moved it to the floor.
"Erm, I think Defence Against the Dark Arts is today, maybe," James said, taking a piece of toast from Remus's plate. Remus feigned stabbing him with his fork.
"Divination, Defence Against the Dark Arts, lunch, then Charms and History of Magic," Peter rattled off their schedule between bites of porridge.
"Your brain never ceases to amaze me, Wormtail," James stirred his coffee and stared over the top of it at Lily.
"Oh," Sirius groaned. "I have Arithmancy today." Sirius laid his head on the table. "I can't do Arithmancy today."
"So skive. No one's going to Divination today. It's an official boycott," James said, after pulling a face at Lily. Lily returned a silly face, and then James waved her over.
"Why are you boycotting?" Sirius drank some orange juice.
"Titspervert thinks you somehow killed Dru. Bullshit, obviously, but he mentioned something to the sixth-year Ravenclaws and, well, no student is going to his classes until he recants, if they know what's good for them. McGonagall's fine with it, in fact, she encouraged it yesterday when I asked her about it." James's voice dropped to a whisper as Lily sat down next to him, "Hey, you."
"Hey," Lily replied. They kissed.
Sirius turned away. "I'll have a word with him, shall I?" Sirius asked loudly.
"Well—," Remus began, but Sirius had stood and walked to the High Table.
Bab's Uvula Who? — Green Day
"Professor Titspervert, I'd like a word," said Sirius loudly. Sirius and Professor Fitzherbert went into the antechamber.
"I beg your pardon, son," said Professor Fitzherbert.
Sirius pointed his wand in the professor's face. "Take it back, and don't fucking call me son."
"I beg your pardon?" repeated Fitzherbert. He looked scared.
In a calm, but angry voice, Sirius said, "You fucking know what you said. If I hear it again, I absolutely will not hesitate to kill for real. So stop saying that I fucking killed Dru. I did everything I could to save her. And just because she was your perverted-fucking-fantasy doesn't mean you get to betray her memory by spreading bullshit rumours about me."
Sirius turned on his heel and swept out of the room before Fitzherbert could respond. The professor shrugged it off as a bad reaction to Drucilla's death and even joked about it later with Kettleburn and the Muggle Studies professor. McGonagall forced him to sign his resignation, effective at the end of the year, that very same night.
Sirius put his head down on his desk in Professor Vector's classroom.
"Are you all right, Mr Black?" asked his professor.
"Sort of," Sirius said. He'd left his book bag in the Great Hall and was debating whether it was worth it to retrieve it.
"I ask because you're always tardy to my class and here you're 15 minutes early," Vector smiled gently at him.
"Drucilla isn't making me walk her to Divination," Sirius said quietly.
"Oh, of course." Vector walked around her classroom, obviously thinking of something to say. "Well, I reckon I'll get to say 'thank you' to her for that tonight."
Sirius's face twisted and scrunched as though he was fighting back tears. "Professor?" Sirius squeaked.
"You're excused, Mr Black. Your mind's not in the right place for class today."
Sirius could have kissed her. He ran out of the classroom and up to Gryffindor Tower. James and Peter were playing Gobstones while Remus read his Defence Against the Dark Arts book.
"Vector let me off," Sirius said to his friends.
"Damn!" James shouted. Sirius looked at his friend oddly. "Good for you Sirius, but when the hell did you get good at this game, Wormtail?"
"Priscilla's been teaching me strategy," Peter grinned. James and Remus (who didn't look up from his book) hit Peter upside the head. "Sorry, Padfoot."
"Don't worry about it, Wormtail," Sirius said. Sirius circled the chair he wanted to sit in twice. "What'll you wear to the wake?"
"My dress robes," James shrugged. Peter nodded.
"Yeah. Me too," Sirius said, feeling stupid he'd asked the question.
A class, a lunch, a nap, and another "library study session" ate up the rest of the day and the school buzzed after dinner. The wake would be held in an empty classroom on the third floor. From their attire, half the school and most of the teachers would attend. Sirius was somewhat grateful, but hated the thought that all these people would be leering at his Drucilla. Frozen in time. Forever seventeen. Forever a girl. Forever beautiful. He wanted to be alone with her. He needed to say good-bye without an audience of people who meant well, but really annoyed the hell out of him.
Bring Me To Life — Evanescence
And so he stood just inside the doorway of the classroom as they rolled her in, in her coffin. The Ambroses left Sirius alone with her. His chance to say good-bye. He stared at the girl before his eyes. They put too much makeup on her. She didn't look real. She looked like a paper-white porcelain doll. And yet, she was wearing the dress, and they curled her hair like it was done for the Dursley wedding. And she still was beautiful.
Sirius put his hand on the closed part of the coffin and stared at her eyelids. "Hey, Dru," his voice faltered. This was it. He'd mourn now. "Somehow, I think you can hear me. Erm, I love you. I always will. I don't know how I'll go on after this, but I'm sure I'll find a way, eventually.
"I don't want to say the words, because it's too final. And when it's final, you're gone. So, I can't say what I need to just yet. 'Cause my want to have you with me for now is just too strong."
Sirius turned away from her and crossed the room. He sighed and opened the door to the classroom. Students and professors filed through, one by one, saying good-bye, offering condolences to Sirius, and signing a guest book. James, Lily, Remus, Snape, Peter, Norah Schofield, Ricardo Del Toro, Frank, Alice, Shauna Harrison, and Astrid Keyes waited at the end of the line with Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall.
Lily became hysterical the second she saw Drucilla's body. James held her tightly and let her cry into his chest, knowing holding her and restraining her arms was the only way to keep Lily from making a fool of herself.
"What's wrong with you? Why aren't you upset?" Lily choked out.
"Lily, God knows I'd love to, but I know that if I get upset, you'll get even more emotional. Last time I did that, you nearly had a seizure," James explained. "I'm sad about Drucilla, but I don't want you to hurt yourself, whether you mean to or not."
Remus and Snape appeared to be holding each other up. It looked like they had to or they both would've collapsed to the floor in a sobbing mess. Snape and Sirius exchanged a split-second handshake. He and Remus then walked to the casket and waited for Lily to finish writing in the guest book. James finally dragged her away after the third postscript.
The professors, the last to enter the classroom, seemed to be carrying the world upon their shoulders. They paid their respects in awe. They knew Drucilla, not only from the times she was in trouble, but also from her everyday mundane life. Minerva McGonagall wept openly. Not even Dumbledore could speak. In fact, no one did once they entered the classroom. Besides sobs and shrieks, the room was completely silent. His friends were hoping to see signs of mourning on Sirius's face, but his face stayed dry, and his eyes clear.
After the unsettling silence of 14 people (who on other occasions could barely keep their mouths shut), the Ambroses returned to take the body back to their funeral parlour. James, blotting his eyes, and keeping a tight hold on one of Lily's wrists, handed Sirius the guest book. He took it to the dormitory to read.
The students and teachers hadn't simply signed their names, they'd written them a message or two. The last two pages were stuck together with a wad of chewing gum. Sirius pried it apart and in very large straggly letters to the right, it said, "Mis yoo, Luv. Peeeves."
Sirius smiled. He hadn't seen the poltergeist but was glad he didn't disrupt the wake.
"I'll see you tomorrow morning, hey?" Sirius asked his roommates.
"Good night, Sirius," James replied.
It rained Saturday morning and heavily. Enough to completely block out the sunrise Sirius had woken up to watch. Remus's alarm clock rang and woke his roommates. None of them groaned or griped about getting up early. They preened and dressed and found the girls in the common room, waiting for them. The girls stood and walked with them out the portrait hole where Ricardo Del Toro, Astrid Keyes, Severus Snape, and Priscilla Topham were waiting. Hugs, words, handshakes, and a few kisses were exchanged while the group completely ignored Priscilla.
86 — Green Day
"Hey!" she shouted as they walked away. Peter turned and walked back to her.
"You going to your sister's funeral?" Peter asked.
"No!" Priscilla was disgusted. "Why? Are you?"
"Yeah. Drucilla was a mate."
Priscilla snorted. "Well, you couldn't drag me there. I told my mum all about her death and the wake and the funeral today. She didn't even respond to me. Nobody from our end gives a damn."
Meek, mild-mannered Peter Pettigrew exploded. "Priscilla, you fucking bitch, go to hell!" And he ran to catch up with his friends.
"Nice going, Petey," James chuckled.
"Maybe he's got a set of cojones after all," Ricardo joked.
"She's such a bitch," Peter repeated. They stopped at the entrance hall, deciding whether to go in the Great Hall. Filch was standing by the front doors of the castle.
"You lot are awful dressed-up," he said. "Where d'you reckon you're going?"
"Drucilla's funeral," Sirius said.
"Oh. Right. Dumbledore gave me instructions to have you lot wait for him to go into town." Filch picked up Mrs Norris, then walked in the Great Hall. The staff of the school returned. A league of prefects and a handful of teachers were given the task of keeping hell from breaking loose for a few hours. The group of twelve seemed ever smaller when no other students joined them for the funeral. With the professors joining them, they only numbered eighteen. Sirius was somewhat glad. If all the people that had attended the wake the night before had shown up for her funeral, it would have embarrassed the hell out of Drucilla.
They walked off the school grounds under huge black umbrellas and through Hogsmeade to the funeral home. They filed in, one by one, to the mortuary. Lily saw the casket and broke down yet again. But this time she was not shrieking or sobbing loudly. She simply cried. Sirius wondered how she could possibly have any tears left. He felt the need to weep catch him again and eat at him from the pit of his stomach more than it had all week. But for any number of reasons, he couldn't cry.
Helena — My Chemical Romance
Sirius approached the now-closed casket. The Ambroses had altered the flowers slightly. Creamy yellow asphodel, her favourite flower, burgundy carnations, to match her dress, and powder-pink roses. "Sorry we had to alter them," the young Mr Ambrose said. "But these were all we could get this time of year."
"It's fine," Sirius said. "They match better anyway."
Young Ambrose smiled and walked away. Sirius plucked two of each flower from the huge arrangement on her casket. He put one set together, kissed it, then lifted the cover, and set the flowers inside. He took the second set and sat in the front row of seats between James and Lily. Dumbledore joined them on the front row.
Mr Archie Ambrose thanked everyone for coming and invited Dumbledore to speak to the mourners. He spoke generally about death and loss, and only hinted at his own that sat just beneath the surface.
"Now I believe Mr Sirius Black has a few words to say," Archie Ambrose said. Sirius walked to the podium, and stood in silence for a minute.
"I—," Sirius began. He couldn't speak. "She—. Erm…." Sirius sighed. "I can't." Sirius sat down next to Lily, who hugged him. Mr Ambrose stood at the front of the room again.
"I think Lily Evans wanted—."
Sirius didn't hear what Lily wanted. He'd stepped outside to clear his head. Sirius pulled out a packet of cigarettes and Drucilla's lighter. He pulled one out of the packet, then put it back in, crumpled the packet, and threw it on the ground. He sunk to the ground and played with Drucilla's lighter, staring through the flame at Hogwarts castle. Sirius felt a jolt of happiness in his stomach when it looked like Hogwarts was burning to the ground. He took a deep breath, cradled his head in his hands, and forced his mind to go totally blank. It felt good. He felt calm and clean. He didn't feel like a bundle of nerves, or the need to weep eat at him.
He went back inside. "We'll move out to the cemetery for the burial," announced Archie Ambrose.
The group got up noisily and milled around the room. In one of the back rows, Leticia Miller and her second husband stood. Leticia met Sirius's eyes, averted her own, then they left hurriedly. Sirius shook his head.
"Er, Sirius, would you and your mates be pallbearers?" asked Mr Ambrose the Older.
Sirius rounded up the Gryffindor boys, Ricardo, and Snape. They took places beside Drucilla's coffin and lifted it onto their shoulders. They walked about ten meters through the melting snow and very slippery grass to the plot Sirius bought. Dumbledore flicked his wand and the coffin lowered slowly into the ground. A few other guests slipped on the grass and fell.
That's The Way — Led Zeppelin
Sirius stood by her headstone and watched her body go into the ground. His friends and the professors went back to the castle. Sirius stayed and watched two of the Ambroses' assistants fill her grave with mud. He heard every mucky shovelful hit the solid wood, and kept watching. The rain soaked his robes completely, but still, he kept watch. He prayed for tears to come. They didn't. Even now, when they were putting her in the ground and she'd never ever come back out of it, and he'd never see her again, the tears didn't come.
Sirius pulled a scrap from his pocket. "You told me once you like Pablo Neruda. I found one of his poems in a book. Well, here we go." He looked down at the scrap.
I do not love you as a salt-rose or topaz
Or the arrow of carnations that fire shoots off
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved
In secret, between the shadow and the soul
I love you not knowing how, when or from where
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride
I love you because I know no other way than this
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand
So close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep,
the scrap read.
He sighed and couldn't bring himself to say the words. He merely tapped the headstone with his knuckle and said, "Good-bye, babe." Sirius went in the castle and found James sitting outside the portrait hole, weeping.
"Hey," James whispered. "They're telling stories in there about Dru. I couldn't take it anymore."
"It's okay," Sirius sat with him.
"Are you all right?" James asked.
"I feel like I've been broken in half. I don't know who I am, where we are. 'Cause she's always been here."
"You'll get over that."
"Yeah." Both Sirius and James were silent for a long time. "I wish I could cry. I've tried so damn hard. And I can't. I just can't."
"It'll come," James hugged his friend. "It'll come." After their short embrace, James looked at the ceiling and whispered, "What have I done?"