Bargaining

Disenchanted Lullaby — Foo Fighters

Truthfully, Sirius was expecting to die from the shock. Missing Drucilla ate at him so often, he half-expected to wake up one morning and see her instead of James and Remus, because the missing had finally eaten him alive.

He resigned himself to the fact that he would never mourn for Drucilla, and he may very well turn into Ophelia, because the situation was maddening. One day James and Lily and Remus would find him, mindlessly dancing around the common room, probably wearing one of Drucilla's dresses, holding a bunch of weeds and singing an Old Danish folk song. And they'd throw him in St Mungo's and look at him through a small window forever. Christ, what a future to behold, thought Sirius, vitriolic.

The next weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend. Sirius hadn't danced madly around the common room yet. He and James went to the Three Broomsticks for that butterbeer. Madame Rosmerta brought them a round, on the house, and Sirius began talking.

"It's nice."

After a long pause, James said, "What?" He didn't understand what Sirius meant.

"To just sit, have a butterbeer and just be," Sirius said. "To stop for a while. You're on the go your whole life with school, then work and kids and, shit, except when you're sleeping, you hardly have any time to slow down." He gave James a loopy smile and leaned forward, rocking a bit, his hands clenched into one big fist. Sirius's mind shifted a few gears to another subject. He'd been silent for a minute, but James knew better than to butt in.

"That's the whole thing about vampirism, James—there's something attractive about it. Even if you know it'll kill you and damn your soul for an eternity and you'll have to spend all your time biting people in the neck, and hiding out from the sun, and, you know, Vatican hit squads."

"Vatican what now?" James asked.

Sirius continued as if James hadn't said a word. "Maybe you wake up one morning and forget what it was like to be human. Maybe that happens, and then it's okay. You've been poisoned, but the poison ain't that bad once you learn to live with it." He took a long drink of butterbeer. "That's my opinion anyway."

Almost clinically, James said, "Do you really think that?"

"Man, you don't know us."

"Wish I did."

"You know what I think? I think the worst part of being dead is knowing the people you love will move on. I'll probably move on from Drucilla. Oh, this might hurt for a while, but I'll endure and start a new life because that's what people do everyday. It's only in books and movies that people pine for the dead, their lives freezing up like broken clocks. In real life, death is mundane, a forgettable event to everyone but her."

"Sirius—."

Sirius continued again. "I wonder if she'll look down on me one day and weep to see how well I'll be getting along without her. Like Sophia. Is she up there in her raven curls and that beautiful bridesmaid dress, thinking, Hey, Sirius, what about me? You remember me? I lived."

James kept quiet. Sirius wasn't looking for a conversation anymore. He was looking for someone to listen. Just listen. He was curious, however, as to who Sophia was.

"I mean, I'm certainly attractive enough to get another woman. I'd have to. Loneliness, I'll tell you. It just got to me. And she's a nice girl. And you'll all betray Drucilla's memory in a second. You'll say, Good for you mate. It's healthy. You have to get back on that broomstick and get on with your life.

"And she'll be up there with Sophia and Claude and Jack, the four of them, looking down, calling out their love in voices none of the living can hear."

Jesus, thought James. He wanted to hide in the corner and hug himself. Sirius was falling apart. James had never heard anyone talk so loosely about death. He'd never heard anyone so cynical.

"And I wanted to marry her, James. I wanted to have a million kids with her and watch them grow up and tell them not to make the same mistakes we did. I don't think she'll ever know truly how much I loved her. How much I loved everything about her. I miss so much about her."

James nodded.

"Her sense of humour, remember?"

"Yeah, it was really dry," James laughed, remembering one of Drucilla's jokes.

"But it was also warm and forgiving. She had one of the best all-time laughs in the history of all-time laughs. She laughed with her entire body. She has character, you know? Or at least she had character before…"

"Yeah," James agreed.

"Yeah. She was loyal and honest. And she never took it out on anybody when she was having a bad day. That's character," Sirius sighed. "I miss… her smell… and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home."

James laughed quietly. "I really dug how she used to walk around. It's like she didn't care what she looked like or what she projected. And it's not that she didn't care, it's just, —she wasn't affected, I guess. And that gave her grace."

Sirius chuckled, "She did this thing in bed when she couldn't get to sleep. She kind of half-moaned and then rubbed her feet together an equal number of times. It just killed me."

James and Sirius both took long drinks from their butterbeer bottles.

"It's wonderful stuff, you know? Little things like that. But those are the things I miss the most. Those little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my girlfriend. But, boy, did she have the goods on me, too. She knew all my little peccadilloes."

People call these things "imperfections," but they're not. That's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy's all about.

Sirius gazed out the window at the falling snow. "And so it's okay. It's almost nice, right," Sirius's face twisted and scrunched. As a reflex, Sirius put his hand to his face and kept trying to hide different parts of it. "To come in here and just sit, just sit and look out at the neighbourhood and try to think of something about Drucilla that'll make me cry, because, James, I swear, it's starting to piss me off that I haven't cried yet for her, my girlfriend, and I can't fucking cry."

"Pad?" James said quietly.

"Yeah?" Sirius asked.

"You're crying now."

Sirius stared at James. He touched his face. His cheeks were wet. Sirius felt relief, and yet, shame. Shame for showing his emotions in a public place. James handed him a napkin. Sirius wiped his eyes and walked out of the pub. Now that he'd cried, the pain seemed worse. He took the footpath up to the cemetery and kneeled at Drucilla's headstone. He brushed the snow off so he could see her name. Then he bent his head and said without speaking, I know in my soul I contributed to your death. I can feel it. But I don't know how.

And the calm voice said, You will.

Tell me.

No.

Fuck you.

I wasn't finished.

Oh.

The knowledge will come.

And damn me?

That's your choice.

My Immortal — Evanescence.

Sirius sat in the snow and was thankful it was falling so heavily. If tears came again, only the snow would know, and snow never judged. Sirius looked to the sky and watched the snow fall silently upon him. It fell in his eyes, down his nose, in his mouth.

Snow. Pure. White. White like Drucilla's skin.

James stood a few yards away with Lily, Remus, and Peter. It was better to leave Sirius alone, and with the wind, they couldn't hear what he was saying.

"If you had to die," Sirius said aloud. The wind stopped. The snow tapered off. Sirius felt like Drucilla was listening. "If such things really are preordained, then I wish somehow you could have died looking into my face. It would have hurt me so to watch you die, Dru, but at least I would know that you felt a little less alone looking into my eyes."

Sirius thought of the last time he saw her alive. The split second before she disappeared down that alley. Her, walking down the street with complete confidence. Fearless of being out with a werewolf. And those last words, "Oh, Sirius! You're not funny!" Did she think he'd pranked her into going down the alley?

"Drucilla, I love you. I love you so much. I love you in truth more than I love my mother. I love you more than I love my brother. I love you more than I love James and Remus and Peter and Lily, so help me God. And I love them deeply, but I love you most because when we moved into our sad little flat and we sat in the kitchen together, we were the last two people on earth. Forgotten and unwanted. And we were both so afraid and confused and fucking forlorn. But we rose above that, didn't we? We built a life that was something good, so that one day we weren't afraid anymore, we weren't forlorn. And I couldn't have done that without you. I'm not that strong.

"You would've grown into a beautiful woman. A beautiful wife, maybe. A miracle of a mother. You were my friend, Dru. You saw my fear, and you didn't run. I love you more than life. And missing you will be my cancer. It will kill me. Oh, God, honey, I'm so sorry."

Sirius began to cry as he crouched next to her grave and put his hand on her headstone. "I'm sorry I made you go out with us that night. I'm sorry I didn't run faster to the hospital wing. I'm sorry I didn't cry for you for so long. I'm sorry I…made you wear that stupid dress for all eternity. I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry for all the times I failed you. Especially this one."

Sirius wiped his face on his sleeves. He couldn't tell what was tears or snow. Sirius smiled a genuine smile. The smile his mates hadn't seen in weeks. He walked toward the castle, then turned, and walked backward when they didn't follow him.

"Hey! How long are you Fwooper-brains gonna stand in the snow?"

Sirius marched on to the castle, marching on his elation that he'd finally cried for Drucilla. But as he took a shower that night, the elation wore off. It hadn't brought Drucilla back, like he'd hoped. She was still dead, six feet under snow and frozen ground, and tears fell again from Sirius's eyes. Then, as though she was standing right next to him in the showers, he felt her hand on his back. Warm and comforting. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. As plain as day, he swore he heard her whisper, "I love you, Sirius Black."

The need to weep passed. He felt strong in his grief and loved by Drucilla. Sirius went back to Gryffindor Tower, hundreds of thoughts running through his head, but one stuck out. He went to his dorm and sat down on his bed. James was getting his pajamas on.

No Pride — Green Day

"Hey," James said, reaching blindly for his glasses.

"Hi. Bedside table, mate," Sirius said. He glanced at James's Transfer of Funds owl from Gringott's and ignored it.

"Oh, thanks," James put his glasses on and stared at Sirius. "How are you?"

"I'm all right. I just can't stop thinking about her, you know?"

James nodded.

"God, man, she was so beautiful. She was regal. You know the way Latin women can be? Gorgeous. And she knew it. If a guy wanted to approach her, he better have some big fucking balls on him. And I did. I was King Shit at sixteen. I was fearless. And I did approach her and I did ask her out. And a year later, Christ, I was seventeen, a fucking child…."

"Sirius?" James looked at him like he was a complete loony. "A child?"

"It was just something Drucilla said that night after Lily's sister's wedding, you know? We were both having trouble falling asleep, right? Minds going a mile a minute, like they do after you shag. Anyway, she rolls over in bed, kisses me, and says, 'Sirius, wouldn't it be funny if I got pregnant today?'. Can you believe that? We've never worried about having a baby before, then out of the blue, she mentions it."

"Weddings addle women's brains," James said and shrugged.

"No. It was something more than that. She acted different. She looked different, to me, at least," Sirius looked at the floor. "What if she was and I lost that, too?"

"Sirius, I think you're overreacting," James said simply. "I mean, wouldn't Pomfrey have told you?"

"Not if she thought she was protecting me," Sirius replied, mocking James's tone. James shot him an angry look. "I'm sorry. It probably is just a notion that I've got stuck in my brain. A thought I really shouldn't entertain. But, erm, hey, would you consider going vampire hunting with me tomorrow night?"

"Huh? Oh, sure, Sirius. Sounds like fun," James said and shrugged. Sirius clenched his fists, nodded his thanks, and then swung his legs over the other side of the bed. He pulled on his pajamas and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, obviously planning the following night.

James watched him. He saw Sirius in a new light, and it sort of frightened him. They'd always joked that it was Sirius's bad Shrinking Solution that had killed Claude Black, but it had always been that. A joke. But, as James watched him now, calculating, James got a little scared of Sirius. Because if he was truly thinking of going vampire hunting the next night, then maybe he did have it in him to kill someone. And maybe he did, in fact, murder his uncle. Sirius, slim as he was, now looked like he could kill a person. As he lay on his bed, he looked like he knew how to fight, but had simply matured past the place in his life where violence was necessary. Suddenly, James could smell danger coming from Sirius Black, a strong capacity for destruction.

So the next night, James and Sirius stole out of the castle and into Hogsmeade, searching for the vampire in Animagus form. Padfoot picked up the scent in an alley and followed it to the mausoleum of Hogsmeade cemetery. Sirius and James transformed.

"What now?" James asked.

"I'm going in," Sirius said, wooden stake in his hand, wand tucked neatly into his robes.

"What if—" James began.

"Either outcome, I'll be happy," Sirius stated. With intention on his face, he went inside the crypt. James put his ear to the door.

"Get up," He heard Sirius demand. He pulled the bedclothes off the vampire's bed.

"What the—," the vampires said sleepily. "Who the hellfire are you?" The vampire was fully awake.

"You killed my girlfriend a fortnight ago! What bloody right did you have?" Sirius smashed something.

"Was she the Spanish girl?" the vampire asked. Sirius gave a silent reply. "Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I hadn't eaten in days," the vampires said unconvincingly.

"I don't believe you. Why did you kill me girlfriend? There were plenty others out there that night." The vampire didn't respond. "Why did you do it?" The vampire made a noise of terror and disgust. Sirius must have pulled out the stake. "Why the fuck did you kill Drucilla Topham?"

"Look, I only did what I was paid to do!" the vampire shouted.

"Shit," James said.

"What?" Sirius shrieked.

"I did what I was paid to do," the vampire repeated, icily.

"Tell me who did it," Sirius said, dead calm. The vampire made another noise of disgust. Sirius must have pinned the vampire against the wall with the stake at his heart.

"Just a moment," the vampire said, "let me remember."

"Who was it?" Sirius demanded.

"Just another minute."

"WHO?" Sirius screamed.

"J—." The vampire had been killed. Sirius's rage and grief pushed the stake through the vampire's heart before he could find out who killed Drucilla.

Sirius walked out, looking justified. "I got him, Dru," he said to the sky. He brushed the dust off his robes.

"Well, let's go back in before we get detention for a month."

James followed Sirius like a man terrified of his own shadow. A person he thought was once peaceful and docile just murdered a man right before his eyes, and felt no grief or shame over it.