Bad Timing 5: Heaven or Hell

"Gentleman, I am appalled by your actions." General hammed sat behind his desk like a schoolteacher, "Do you have anything to say in your defence?"

"We just need a little time away from 'Them'." Jack looked like he hadn't slept in days, "You've no idea what it's like when there are two of each of them."

"They're everywhere at once, and they agree on everything." Daniel complained, "There's no escaping them!"

"Ra, Apophasis, Anubis, anything but another hour of two lots of identical women talking about what colour to paint the nursery." Jack begged, "They're a force of nature: there's no stopping them!"

"We just need a few hours alone." Daniel looked like he was about to cry, "For gods sake, have a heart!"

"If you wanted some time alone, you could have gone off-base." Hammond sat pokerfaced, "You know that you're wives are confined to the SGC until we sort everything out. Thor has promised that he will find out what Loki did…"

"Off-base isn't good enough: they phone us constantly!" Jack looked like a trapped rabbit, "Have you any idea how much chocolate two Samantha O'Neill's get through? They're going to bankrupt me!"

"The Janet's are just as bad." Daniel moaned, "And they've got Cassie on their side! I swear to god that my step-daughter wants to kill me."

"We need to get off-world sir!" Jack looked hopeful, "Anything: I'll personally kiss the feet of every member of the Tok'ra Council! Anything!"

"I'm afraid that the Tok'ra Council have requested that the two of you remain on Earth until further notice." Hammond had a mischievous glint in his eye, "I think Jacob is a little worried that you would run out on his daughter, make that daughters, given the situation."

"Is there any chance that we could transfer to some remote listening post in Alaska?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Please General; our lives our in your hands." Daniel sank to his knees, "For the love of humanity, save us!"

"And why would I want to do that?" Hammond asked, "With two Samantha O'Neill's around, our research into Naquada reactors has more than doubled. And having two doctors of Janet's calibre on call 24/7 has made our infirmary one of the best in the entire Air Force. No, I'm sorry gentlemen; but keeping your wives happy is a matter of planetary security."

"It was ok when there was only one of them." Jack collapsed into a chair, "Now I have two of them talking science all the time…"

"You think you've got it bad?" Daniel whimpered, "I even sneeze, and I've got two doctors ready to diagnose me with anything from the common cold to the Black Death!"

"Thing's can't be that bad?" Hammond asked, "There have to be some advantages?"

"Not you to?" Jack started to cry, "I've been getting dirty looks from half the people on this base as it is, asking me what two Sam's are like!"

"We can't show either of them any affection at all, not even a kiss on the cheek, without upsetting the other!" Daniel was curled up on the floor, "It's like walking through a hormonal minefield!"

"And if we go to one's ultrasound and not the other's, for whatever reason, we're accused of favouritism!" Jack put his head between his knees; "I can't take it anymore!"

"I'm sorry Gentleman, but this is out of my hands." Hammond had a huge grin on his face, "Who ever said married life would be easy?"

The End?

I may, at some future point (if I want to torture Jack and Daniel some more), come back to this, but I'm not promising anything.