I'm not well liked. I never have been. I don't care. At least that's what I say whenever someone comes close enough to ask, that I don't mind being hated, being alone. I wear a mask, every day I wear a mask, and I've always worn one, at least for as long as I could remember. That mask has evolved over time, but it's also become a part of me, it's no longer something I can take off, at least not on my own, so melded to my soul that even I cannot differentiate between it and the real me.
In my twisted little world, and yes, I do realise it's twisted beyond recognition, I don't need anyone. Or that's what I say. To them, and to me. Should something happen, something bad, I detatch myself further, walow in my own misery and try not to show it. I tell myself I just need to be strong and move on. Every moment not occupied by some menial chore or some juicy trauma, every thought not spent on something urgent is either me reminding myself that I need to be alone, that it's the only way to accomplish something or that small, nagging, petulant whine begging for companionship of any sort, even a brief hug from a friend. but i make it a point not to have friends.
In moments of weakness, sometimes I let my feelings show, I even hope someone will realize what I'm doing, force me to take of this mask, because as strong as I pretend to be, I'm too weak to take it off myself.
That's a sad thought.
That's a terrifying thought.
Someday I'll die alone, and everyone will think it's what I wanted. I've successfully deluded them, and unsuccessfully deluded myself.
So that's my life.
Kerry capped and dropped the pen, closed the book, and walked away.
Disclaimers: ER isn't mine, Kerry Weaver isn't mine.
Author's note(s): first in a series, will include various characters from various times in the show (not chronological, basically random, whoever I can channel at the moment. Updates will be sporatic.) Just out of curiosity, does anyone care to hazard a guess as to who my favorite character from 'ER' is?
Also, I do not have a beta. I hate to resort to begging but…
And as for reviews, advice and criticism are the only way to get better, so please help me out.