Disclaimers: ER isn't mine, Kerry isn't mine, Sandy isn't mine
Notes: Yes, I'm doing another entry by Kerry, I promise I will get around to more characters, but Kerry is the easiest character for me to write, so I write her more than anyone else... fairly logical, yes? Anyhow, this one is immediatly after her miscarriage. Can we tell I love angst?
Abby must have thought I'd gone mad when I said I didn't want Sandy here, and when I didn't want to go upstairs, but honestly, what was there to do but keep working? Sandy wouldn't have understood it, she wasn't the one who wanted this child. What would being in OB do for me? They couldn't make it stop, they couldn't save my child.
I don't think anyone could have done anything for me then. I had to work, had to do something to keep my mind off of what my body was doing to my child. So helpless, both the unborn baby and me, all I could do was wait as my child died inside me. Wait, pray, try to forget, though short of downing a bottle of vodka, I doubt there was any way I could have forgotten.
I think through most of it, I wanted to die. Knowing my child was there, but not there all the same. A shell that had never gotten a chance to be anything more. Was it my fault? I had been so careful, this was what I had wanted, so badly and for so long. The physical pain was nothing comparted to the leaden feeling in my heart.
Knowing what was happening, not being able to stop it, I wanted to cry, just break down in sobs, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tear things apart. I wanted to do everything and nothing. Either I wanted it all to stop, for things to be alright, or just this once, I wanted the world to know my pain. I really shouldn't have been working in that state of mind, but work probably kept me from doing something beyond regretable.
If you review I will love you forever.
By the way, I felt the bit where each character ends their entry seemed a bit superfluous, so I'm trying a chapter without it... should I use it from now on, or no?