Story Title: My Life from a Bird's Eye View
Chapter Number: 10
Date Written: 11/1/05
Date Uploaded: 11/8/05
Author: incompetent.twitch
Disclaimer: 'Tis not mine. Nada. Except for Cece. I do own her. It's JK's. And the song Lily sings belongs to whoever wrote Les Miserables.
This chapter is dedicated entirely to…SuperSpy! She gave me great ideas, and my mind was just sprouting things left and right. Thanks SuperSpy!
Last time on MLFABEV:
Grinning like a maniac I remove myself from the table with little to no trouble and grab an extra bagel (why are there bagels at dinner?) and begin to follow James out of the Dining Hall.
"Remember to use protection!" Bella stage whispers. Gosh, Bells! Everybloodyperson can hear you! I turn around and with good aim for once in my life, I hit her right in the face with the bagel I've taken.
Then it's off for the James Potter experience.
"So…" I'm so brilliant at beginning conversations that sometimes it scares me. Anywho…
"Well…I was thinking that maybe we could get back at Diggory as well as Snape. How does that sound?" James suggests, turning to look at me. I don't want to trip up the stairs or anything equally stupid so I focus my gaze a millimeter above his eyes so I don't end up seeming like I'm taking illegal substances or something.
"Sounds good to me, James." I respond, quite pleasantly, in my opinion.
And now…he's doing exactly what I was trying not to do. He's tripping up the stair. I grab onto his arm as he stumbles and catch his glasses with the other.
Once again, coordination! Woot! Go me!
"Ish you okay, James?" I hand him his glasses and fix him with a worried glance.
He shoved them on his face and blinked into focus before looking at me. "Ish? Is that another made up word?"
"And what are you going to do if it is?"
He smirks a little. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
We walked in silence until we reached the head dorms ("Naivety") and then we entered. Well, duh.
There was a small coffee table off to the side with two chairs accompanying it. James plopped himself down in one, producing a quill and parchment with an extravagant flourish that made me grin, and I sat my little self down across from him. Then I put my chin in my hands and blinked expectantly at him. He blinked back.
Awkwardness anyone?
"I like birds. Let's use some killer birds." I told him. He raised his eyebrows amusedly.
"Killer birds?"
"Yeah! Or the closest thing to death or doom for a teenager."
His lips quirked a little. Then he began to smile. And then to grin. And now…he's laughing. A lot. I'm not sure if he's laughing at me or not, but it's quite possible that he is. Not that I care, mind you. Because I totally don't like obsessively listening to his laugh.
Focus Lily, focus. Focus failing. No! Bad, Lily, bad! Focus erm, fairly good? Yeah. Okay and unfocused unsmart. Now that I can remember!
Oh, he's talking. "Cranes!" He exclaims gleefully.
"Cranes?" I'm not fully grasping it. Actually, I'm not grasping it at all. Maybe he'll even elaborate! There I go, expanding my vocabulary…
"You know, cranes carry the babies." I nod my head in recognition of the folklore. "So, basically, a teenager's worst nightmare is either getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant."
"I've never thought about getting someone else pregnant."
"…That's because you're female."
"So? You just said-"
"A male's worst nightmare, Lily, male! You are not male! You are a female! It has the prefix fe- attached to it!"
"Fe- is a prefix?"
"Can we get back to the plan? Please!" he roars, looking completely aggravated.
"Of course. So cranes will…deliver a 'Congratulation-You're A Father!' basket to Diggory tomorrow morning!" Gosh, I am bloody brilliant.
Except for the fact that I am totally not.
James leaned back in his chair and grinned. "Why Miss Evans, your brilliant mind has been put to incredibly bad use."
I tilt my head. "How so, Mr. Potter?"
"You've never pranked before!"
"Au contraire. I have too pranked. However, I stopped the time that I separated the cars on the Hogwarts Express a few years ago."
"That was you!"
"Yes, yes it was."
And then we laughed for ten minutes.
It's two-o-clock in the morning. Two-o-clock in the bleeding morning! And that's still not the only thing bleeding. Hopefully James has caught onto my mood swings by now. I don't want to bite his head off until we've finished the prank.
Well, I'd rather not bite his head off ever. I might choke on all of that hair. And his glasses might brake whilst I was chewing and then I might rip all of my internal organs to shreds with the glass shards.
Are these the thoughts that one has at two in the morning? They're a bit morbid and grotesque, aren't they? Maybe that's why the Marauder's do their pranks at night. I now from experience that many-a-prank are unpleasant and all around unbearable.
Urgh, what is this boy doing! We're not heading towards the Slytherin Dormitories! Even with my awful excuse for a sense of direction I know that we're heading the wrong way. We're going up. Mind you, Hufflepuffs are the ones with their heads in the clouds. The Slytherins are six feet under. Haha, get it? Six feet-
Oof! I've walked into something.
"Keep quiet, Lily." James whispers to me. I'm feeling rebellious. Overcome your desire Lily, don't go to the Dark Side…I don't care if they have candy!
"Where are we going?" I ask in my most politestestest whisper. Oh, insert a wince on my part here. I was pretty loud. I am obviously incapable of whispering.
"The suits of armor down by the Slytherin dormitories are enchanted to attack anyone who isn't Slytherin who tries to head down that way."
"And I suppose that you're speaking from experience." I snicker.
He mock glares in return. "Maybe…"
I bite back a giggle. It's gotta be the early morning. Or the mood swings. I'm not normally like this.
The voices in my head are mocking me.
"You didn't answer my question." I need to get my mind off of the voices right now.
He sighs dramatically as we continue to creep towards the end of the corridor. "It's a secret passageway that takes us through to a painting in the Slytherin Common Room. Once we get there we can put on my invisibility cloak-"
"Squee!"
"I'm guessing that that means that you are excited. Anyways, after that, we'll go up to the Boy's 7th year and do-"
"Don't say it out loud!" I whisper harshly whilst looking all over the place, including down my cloak. James rolls his eyes but has a light grin playing across his features.
"Fine. 'Biscotti'."
"Biscotti!"
"Sirius made it up. He was hungry."
I stuffed my fist in my mouth and entered the portrait hole. James came after making sure it was closed tight.
"Lumos," We said, lighting our wands.
"Let's go." He whispers.
James has his hand over my mouth. I really hope that he hasn't done anything…dirty with it, because it is over my mouth. Anyways, we're going up the boy's staircase of the Slytherin Dormitories. It's our second try, because the first time I got lost and went up the girl's staircase. Then James had to come get me, and the result was that the stairs turned into a slide and we slid down and landed with a resounding THUMP! So then we scampered (yes, scampered) behind a couch where we kept watch for five minutes to make sure that no one had seen us. Alas, no one had.
So, we're going up the correct staircase now. That is to say the one leading to the boy's dormitories. And we've arrived at the top! All passengers wishing to-
"Lily, please stop talking!" James begged.
Oops. I didn't realize that I was talking out loud.
"Soooooooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyyyy." I apologized.
"'S okay. Look, here we are." James said, pointing to a tall black door. I sniffed the air.
"It smells like Russia."
"What?"
"Yup. Smells like Russia."
"Okay. Where are we?"
"…Not in Russia?"
"That's right Lily! Good job! Now, open the door. My hands are full with the supplies."
I grumbled a bit then reached out and opened the door. I realized too late that the door might be cursed against muggleborns or something. Luckily nothing happened. I turned the gold doorknob and pushed the door open. Then I snatched my hand back and glared at it suspiciously.
"Can you cast a disillusionment spell Lily?" I nodded the affirmative. "Can you put one on me? I'll let you use the cloak."
"Goody!" I quickly cast the spell on him and then we crept in. I couldn't see James, and he couldn't see me any longer, but we both knew that the other was grinning like an idiot.
I snuck into the bathroom as James headed towards one of the beds-I'm assuming it was Snape's, as we were pulling a prank on him. I'm glad that I'm able to see in the dark. It might've sucked a bit if I had , say, James's vision. I sniggerd quietly. Poor James.
Wow. I would not even have thought about saying that less than 24 hours ago. I must be schitzophrenic or something.
I hummed quietly to myself…I think it's a song from Les Miserables. It's a good song.
"Reeeeeeeeeeed, the blood of angry men, blaaaaaaaaaaack, the dark of ages past, reeeeeeeeeeeed, the colo-oof!" I've tripped over something. It's a…
OHMYGOODNESSHOLYHIPPOGRIFFS!
Who on earth keeps a bag of condoms and contraceptive pills in the middle of the floor! On second though, who needs a bag full of condoms and contraceptive pills? Especially a guy? Can guys take contraceptive pills? Is that normal?
"Lily!" someone whispers urgently. I jump at least a foot in the air.
"Holy Moozers, James! What's wrong?"
"Snape has someone in bed with him!"
"What? Someone is in bed with SNAPE!"
"Yeah, and get this-"
"What? What is it?"
"It's a girl!"
"Good job, Sherlock. Everyone except for you and your homies know that while the female species avoid that slimeball he is not gay."
"Well soree! Anyways, I can't do it if he's…involved at this moment!"
I was quiet for a minute. "That is so sad that Snape lost it before I did." I said.
James erupted into laughter. I hurried to quiet him, though I was laughing as well.
"Severus?" said a husky female voice. James and I froze. Oh, not good. "Sev, baby, where are you going?"
"I heard something."
A sigh from the as-of-yet-unrecognized female voice. "That was me, baby. Come on, get out of the bathroom."
"But-"
"You can go back there in 3 minutes to get what we need, but if you don't come back right now then I am leaving and never coming back."
We heard Snape grumbling and then shuffling as he moved back towards his bed. The corner of the invisibility cloak was lifted as James joined me.
"Finite Incatatem." I whispered. James appeared, wicked grin in place and all. I couldn't help but feel excited. I'd seen that grin appear to many times-usually against me, but this time I'm pretty sure it had something to do with Snape.
"He's gonna need a condom." James whispered.
I grinned wider and pointed to the bag that I'd previously tripped over. I watched as James bit down on his lip as he tried to keep from laughing out loud again. He reached into the supply bag we'd brought and pulled out a small canister with the label Itching Powder. I practically smothered myself to keep from making too much noise. I bent down and extracted all of multi-colored condoms and quickly spread them out on the bathroom floor.
"Take two blue ones." James whispered. My head snapped up, a horrified look on my face.
"What for?" What is wrong with this boy?
"They're flavored. I don't want to use them, at least not like that. They taste good." He explained.
I shoved my fist in my mouth as I reached down and took 2 blue ones for James. I also took a few more-in case I ever need revenge against Snape or Bella or Cece or someone. Hey, you never know what might come up.
James finished sprinkling the itching powder over them. I levitated them into the bag just as Snape stumbled in, half naked. James and I backpedaled and squished ourselves into one of the small shower cubicles. We traded disgusted glances. Who knows what Slytherins do in the showers. I peer out around the edge of the shower door to see Snape rummaging around in the bag. Triumphant, he removes a red condom and a small bottle of contraceptive pills. Then he exits.
James and I share another glance, and then stumble our way out of the bathroom, the dormitories, the common room, the tunnel, the portrait, the corridors, and into our Head Common Room where we collapse on the furniture surrounding the fireplace.
I'm a bit stunned. Then I glance at James. He's already looking at me.
And, once again, we begin to laugh.
Hello all! I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was derived from a conversation my best friend and I had last year. You guys have to let me know if I need to up the rating. I don't think I do, but I don't really want the story removed from fanfictiondotnet. Which reminds me, everyone should go check out the new place, unknowableroomdotorg. Just remove the 'dot'. I posted the first chapter of this, and I'll update the second soon.
Anyways, I hope you liked this. It's the longest chappie yet, I believe. Thanks again to those who give nice long considerate reviews. As I was telling my mom, they really boost my ego. ;) My mom laughed so hard at me that she cried. Ah, well. Let's try to make it to 50 reviews, shall we?
-twitch