Before Rent
Author's note: Original title, hu? I was thinking about this on my way home from work as I screamed a long to my "Rent" cd. I've actually thought about this before. I wondered what happened right before Roger found April in the bathroom. What was going on in his life? What did he have planned? I know this has probably been done about a thousand and one times but I guess I am going to make it one thousand and two times. I hope you enjoy this. Please give me feed back because if this gets a good response I will write the other story that I am thinking about. Thanks! LAJ
It was a cool spring night. Mark had met Roger after his band performed at a small bar. Mark was a little anxious to see Roger. They had been friends since before they could remember and Mark had never seen Roger like this before. It could just be the drugs, Mark thought to himself but Roger wasn't really into them. Mark knew that Roger only drank. He was a beer and hard alcohol man, but not really into drugs. Mark had often thought about getting Roger help for his alcoholism. He started settling down a little but he had a problem and was happy that it never crossed over to drugs. One addiction was hard enough but two would be impossible. Mark also knew that he had only done a handful of them and only a handful of times but that was it but it didn't matter. Roger shared a needle with his girlfriend April and now they both were HIV positive. They had only found out about a week before. Roger was upset and then pissed and then depressed and now he seemed happy. Mark was just sad for he knew that his friend had a death sentence. Roger was all right though, as long as he had April, he'd be fine.
"Hey man, I didn't think you'd show," Roger said as he sat on the bar stool next to Mark.
"Yeah, well you said it was important and you sounded a little funny, or drunk," Mark replied.
Roger chuckled as he stared at his beer bottle. He took a quick swig of it and shook his head. "Funny no. Drunk, well maybe just a little! No, I wanted to talk to you about something a little important."
"Well?" Mark questioned.
Again, taking another sip out of the bottle roger began to talk. "So just hear me out for a minute before you say anything. You know how things are with me and April right now right?"
Mark nodded. He didn't know where this was going. After knowing Roger for so long Mark could usually predict where his conversations were heading, but he had no idea about this one.
"Yesterday I went to talk to this guy at a school. We talked for a while and I'm going back to get my GED or high school diploma or what ever the hell it is. I want to make something of myself before, well, you know."
Mark patted his friend on his back. He wasn't expecting that. "That's great Roger. You were only a few classes short from graduating. Whatever Maureen or I can do for you we will. Hell, I'm sure Benny and Collins would help you out too man. That's really great, good for you buddy."
Roger finished his beer and nodded. He knew Mark would be happy for him. Roger grabbed his guitar and jacket and walked out with Mark. They made small talk before Roger popped up with his next surprise of the night.
"Mark, there was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about."
"What?" Mark asked not knowing again what his friend had up his sleeve. He had surprised him once with his first announcement.
"I also went to talk to this other guy about, umm, well a program for April. A rehab. I think I got hr a bed and into a program. It took a lot of convincing and a hell a lot of talking but I got her a spot. I think it is important for her to get cleaned up. It's going to be hard. I tried to help her and you know how that went, so maybe-I don't know. I just thought this was what she needed," Roger told his friend with a little disappointment in his tone. He held onto his guitar and stared at the ground while he continued walking.
He loved April; in fact he was crazy about her. He had never felt the way he did about her with any girl before. From the first time he laid his eyes on her at the concert she was at he knew he had to meet her and talk to her. They talked until the bar closed at three am. Then they walked around the city that doesn't sleep. He found out by accident that she was into heroin. He had seen her walking with a man who looked dirty and grungy. He followed her for a little while until she walked into a dark alley. He saw her shoot up and confronted her. She of course denied it at first. After talking again honestly and frankly, April told Roger that she had lied to him. She told him on several times that she didn't do any drugs any more when in fact she shoot up almost every night. Roger was a little disappointed in her. He had no interest in doing any type of drugs. He never understood why people did them. He loved partying as much as the next guy but he liked partying with a few drinks and beer, not with damn drugs.
Then he remembered back to that first night when April talked him into it. It had been raining and everyone in their loft had been out. Mark took Maureen because they had just made up from yet another fight. Collins was out God knows where, and Benny had just began dating Allison. They were all alone for the night. Roger was working on a song when April had walked through the door with the drugs. Roger was furious because they had just had a conversation about her and her drug habits and there she was prancing around the room with the baggie filled with the substance and the needle. She begged and pleaded and begged some more. Before Roger shot his mouth off again about her past times, she wanted him to try it. If he tried it once she would at least try to quit and try to lay off of the crap. Finally, Roger caved in. That's all it took. That one and only time was all it took for Roger to contract the virus from April, the love of his life. That was almost seven months ago. How life changed so much in less than a year. He then wondered thoughts that he hadn't want to. Thoughts like would he be around the following year? How long would he live? What would his life be like from that point on? He didn't know the answers but he wasn't going to live his life in the dark and worry about these things. He decided that he was going to make the most of his life and live everyday as if it was his last.
April didn't know about any of his plans. She didn't know about him even thinking about going back to school or him working so hard with the city to get her a bed in a rehab where she could get the help she needed so badly. Roger was going to surprise her with all of this information. This was a lot to take in but there was one more thing he was thinking about.
"Hey Mark," he called out after moments of silence filled them.
"Yup," Mark replied.
"There is one more thing." Roger took a deep breath before continuing.
"Well, what is it?"
"I want to ask April to marry me."
"What?" Mark asked in shock. He and Roger had had the same conversation many, many times in the past about marriage. Roger swore he would never get married. He didn't want to be tied down with a family and with the same woman for the rest of his life. He didn't want to make the commitment. He wanted to live and free life. He had explained this to Mark on many many occasions. "You must really be drunk. Do you know what you are saying?"
Roger smiled. He shook his head. "Yes, well, yes I know what I am saying, no I'm not drunk. I have been thinking about it for a while and with our health in jeopardy I want to have a family. I want to make sure April is in my life. I want April to be part of a family. Mark she is part of me. She makes me feel, well-well, don't make me go into all of that love crap. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Doesn't Maureen make you feel like that? Doesn't she make you feel like-like she is the only thing in the world and nothing else matters?"
Mark thought for a minute. Maureen was many things and he felt many things for her. He could defiantly think of building a future with her. He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"I don't know if I should ask her tonight or wait until after I tell her the other things." Roger laughed half sarcastically. "I could tell her that she has a surprise after she finishes rehab. What do you think?"
"I think you have a lot to talk about with her. Maureen is out tonight and Benny is at Allison's again."
"What's up with the two of them?"
"I don't know. I can't tell if he is using her or if he really likes her. It's hard to tell."
Roger scuffled. "Benny and that upper west side bitch? Knowing Benny she's probably good in the sack."
"True enough, but remember that bitch's father owns our building. So like I was saying, no one is going to be home tonight, I can make myself scarce and you and April can talk for as long as you need to. I can go out and film or something." Mark said as they approached their building.
Roger skipped up the stairs. He has nervous and anxious and excited. He was so excited climbing the stairs that he almost knocked over a young Hispanic girl on his way up the stairs. She just smiled and watched him run to his door.
"I'm sorry, my friend is really excited," Mark explained trailing behind Roger.
"No worries. He must be really happy," she replied.
Mark nodded as he caught his breath. "Yeah I guess you could say that."
His stomach was in knots. He unlocked their door. Roger looked around for April and couldn't find her. A feeling of disappointment swept over his body. Roger was almost certain that April had gone back to her dealer. She was getting stoned yet again.
"Hmmm, Roger?"
"Yeah."
"I don't think she's here. Sorry man." Mark said knowing how disappointed his friend was.
Roger sighed. "No, it's not your fault. I'll go look for her in the morning. She's probably in the park again. I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Do you have to use the bathroom?"
"Yeah, I'll be just a minute," Mark answered as he walked toward the bathroom. Something seemed a little weird. He turned on the light as soon as he opened the door. He closed the door and saw April's reflection in the mirror. "Oh, there you are. April, Roger has to talk to you. I'll just wait for the bath- April? Hmmm, April, you all right? April?" Mark repeated as he got closer and closer to his friends' lover. As he looked around, blood filled the bath tube. Blood stained her clothing. "Sht, Roger I think you need to come here."
Roger walked toward the door at a normal pace. He had no idea what his friend needed him for in the bathroom. "Mark, if this is about that mouse again, I'm going to-"
"Roger shut up and come here now! It's April."
"April? Where is she-," Roger stopped in his tracks. He stared at April. His April. The love of his life sat in a pool of her own blood. There was a razor blade on the floor with a note. Her blood dripped slowly onto the paper. The white paper was pink in some spots but mostly drenched in her red blood.
Without skipping a beat, Roger grabbed her body and shook her. "April! April! April!" Roger screamed over and over again but it was no use. His April had slipped from that world into another unknown. Roger kissed her face. Her eyes. Her head. Her lips. She was cold. There was nothing he could do to bring her back. His April was gone.
After giving his friend some time alone, Mark approached his friend. "You know, I hate to bring this up, but we have to call someone."
Roger just nodded. What could he say? Even if he had the words to say what good would it do? His April was gone. Gone forever.
Mark walked down the stairs to call 9-1-1. He could have used the loft phone but he felt that he should give Roger his space and his final moments with April, alone. He felt so useless. What could he do for his best friend?
While Mark was making the phone call, Roger sat on the toilet seat. He thought about how he imagined how he thought he'd live the rest of his life, with the woman he loved. He was so angry with her. He yelled and screamed at her but she was nothing more than a body now. Roger rested his face in his hands and cried, hard and then harder. Then he smashed the mirror to realize stress. When that didn't work he went back to crying. He rested his face on April's shoulder and cried. He just cradled her and cried.
Roger then heard the door close. He knew Mark had come back. He pulled himself together, wiped his tears and picked up the note.
Roger,
Oh Roger, I can't even begin to say anything. This is too hard. Life, it sucks. It is hard. I know where my life is heading and I don't like it. I don't have the strength to say no to my addiction. I can't just say no like they tell you on commercials and in advertisements. I have a problem and I like it, I don't want to stay away from it.
I can't live this life any more. I have to move on and I don't know how. I wouldn't care if it was just me who was dying. I could handle dying without ever knowing love. I could handle dying alone but it's not just me, it's you too. I killed you. You aren't going to get to live a full life because of me. You were the first person who showed me love, who put all their faith and trust in my. You had more faith in my than my family ever did and more than I ever have. I never believed in myself but you did. You have been there for me.
Oh God Roger. The hardest part about our situation is not knowing. Not knowing who is going to die first. Which one of us will be abandoned first? I don't deserve you to cry over me. I don't deserve to have you hold my hand as I take my final breath.
You are the only person who ever showed me love and I ruined it. I killed our love. That's why I did it Roger. That's why I killed myself. I can't handle being a failure any more. I let down my parents because I wasn't the perfect Ivy League school girl that they wanted me to be. They disowned me. Then there was you. You loved me and you loved all of my faults. You loved me because I was me and you didn't need another reason and I screwed it up.
I can't tell you how much I loved you. I can assure you that you were the very last thought I was thinking of as I took my last breath. I'll see you on the other side.
My everything, April.
Mark walked in on Roger reading the letter, which lead to more tears. All Mark could do was hold onto his best friend.
The corner's office made their visit and took April. Roger slipped April's last testament into his pocket and told the police that there was no note. That piece of paper was the last thing April wanted Roger to have. He folded it up and put it in his empty wallet.
Roger and Mark both followed the corner and April's body down the stairs and then outside. Roger watched helplessly has April went on her last ride. He watched the car until he could not longer see it. He looked at Mark and mumbled, "I'm going to clean up her mess." His tone was somber.
Mark watched his friend go back into their apartment. There were no words for them to share. That evening was the last time Mark remembered Roger being happy and full of life. Mark knew that of Roger got over April's death it would be a long time coming. It would take a miracle to get Roger out of his depression…or a new neighbor.