What You Want

by Remus' Girl Tish

Songfic to John Butler Trio's What You Want. The Four Houses RPG AU. A lost and confused Remus has found out that Sirius is indeed alive and well and it's changed everything. This story is three hidden days that show them a glimpse of their future. Slash!

Title: What You Want

Rating: M

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Warnings: Spoiler to The Four Houses RPG, Slash, teacher/student relationship alluded to but not seen, language

Word Count: 6206

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Songfic to John Butler Trio's What You Want. The Four Houses RPG AU. Set after OotP, a lost and confused Remus has found out that Sirius is indeed alive and well and it's changed everything. This story is the three days they spent together talking about the past, the present, with a glimpse into their future.

It was Friday night, my first week back to Hogwarts after Christmas holiday. My bedchamber was stifling, as I had been pacing for hours wondering what to do. I had found Sirius! He was alive! It seemed as if my life had changed overnight. He had stood in front of me, I had talked to him and he had been tangible, he had been real. Right there for me to reach out and touch, the one person that I had thought I would never see again had been standing right in front of me; and there were a hundred different feelings that had gone through my head at once. How could this be? You were supposed to be dead? I saw you fall. Dear Merlin, tell me this isn't a dream! Have you missed me like I've missed you?

Like most things in my life I had to keep it a secret. I wasn't supposed to know he was alive, and I couldn't help but think ruefully how it seemed that most anything that I ever wanted was supposed to be a secret. My position here at Hogwarts was rocky at best. Hermione and I had been caught, and Dumbledore insisted that I stay away from her. The same person that I owed my whole schooling and teaching career to, and I had let him down. Shame filled me at the thought while I continued to pace running a hand through my hair. The knowledge that he thought less of me caused my heart to ache, but at the same time; I couldn't help but think, that he had let me down too. He had kept the knowledge that Sirius was alive from me. That alone has shocked me to my core, and I wondered how he could have been that cruel, at least that cruel to me. I continued to pace and I wondered how I hadn't walked a groove into the carpet below me. I can't stay here. I thought, and I realized there is only one place I wanted to be.

I quickly pulled on my trousers and picked up the shirt that I had worn that day throwing it on haphazardly. I walked from my bedchamber into the front room. Looking around making an assessment of the room; I take in the once comfortable easy chair that was transformed into a cozy love seat for 'Mione and me when she came to visit that had never been changed back, the books that I had already gone through and read, it all looked so foreign and uncomfortable. I felt awkward standing there, and wondered how just a few short weeks ago it had all felt so comfortable…had felt so right. At that moment, I just needed to get out. I needed to go someplace I felt comfortable.

What you want to say

Wait till you get home

Knowing the risk and for once not wanting to play it safe, I went to the fireplace and grabbed some powder out of a jar I kept there throwing it into the small fire that I had stoked earlier that evening; green flames burst up and I dropped to my knees placing my face into the fire. I hate floo. I thought as I called out the location that I was contacting. This was risky business, as someone might have been monitoring the floo system, but I felt desperate. I had to see him. I had to make sure he was real. His face appeared before me. There was a smirk on his face as if he knew that I would be calling him, and if I thought about it I would have realized that he did expect me to call him; he always knew I would. His eyes were full of promise, and his dark hair hanging in front of them kept me from reading what exactly lied behind them. "May I come over, Pads?" I asked him.

"Of course, Moony," He said with wide smile that reminded me of the cat from that muggle book, Alice In Wonderland. I found myself grinning back at him in return.

"I'll be there shortly." I told him, and I had already had my head out of the fire pulling my robes on and grabbing my cloak before the green flames had died.

I'm sick of communicating

Over the telephone

I walked out of Hogwarts briskly not wanting to waste any more time. There were things that needed to be said. There was time that had already been missed, and I was unwilling to let anymore pass between us again. Once I knew I was a safe distance from the school I went to a place that couldn't be seen and apparated. A quick feeling of being strangled took place and then I appear in front of a house in the woods with a small pop. There were no other buildings for miles. The windows were lit up and there was smoke coming from the chimney. I walked up the steps slowly pulling my cloak close to me from the cold. My hands were shaking slightly. There was a feeling that started to settle over me, that maybe I had imagined it all. That I would knock and it would be some old woman, or some young child, and not Sirius. That indeed Sirius was dead, and this had been a sick figment of my imagination; much like the voice that I had been talking to in my head since he'd been gone. I ran a hand through my hair to clear my thoughts, just before I brought myself to knock on the door.

I held my breath when I heard noise on the other side of the door, and for a moment the fear flooded over me while I watched the door start to open. I need it to be him. I thought before I saw who was behind the door. He stood there looking at me dressed in a blue turtleneck jumper and a worn pair of jeans with a smile, happy to see me. His eyes knowing…knowing; even if I didn't. "What took you so long? And why do you look like shite?" He asked and I grinned back at him just giving him a slight shrug.

"I didn't know there was a dress code for this club, should I have put on my tie?" I asked him cheekily and he threw his head back suddenly laughing that short bark laugh of his. He let me in and gave me a sturdy hug patting me on the back. I took off my cloak taking in the smells of the place. It smelled like him completely. I smelled fresh cut crass, and the smoky smell of an outdoor wood fire, and the underlying of sex.

I walked into his sitting room where I found two chairs in front of the fire. On the table in between were two glasses of firewhiskey that he'd set up for us. He invited me to sit and I did. That night we sat and drank. Talking, about days gone by, reliving our old tales together, asking each other questions about what happened in our time apart, and listening to our adventures that we have had alone. Always skirting around a certain time in our life, not quite ready to face that yet, for the time being we were getting used to the idea that both of us were at the same place at the same time.

After a bit I started to feel at home looking around at the modest house that he was staying in; with its wood floors and its tattered curtains, and I started to feel like I belonged there. That perhaps that house could be a safe haven. That it could be someplace to go and not have to worry about what other people thought of me, of what I was or am. That the person in this house would just accept me for me, and I could accept him for him; as we always had throughout our friendship. It was then that I realized how lonely I had been without him. How I had just been grasping at straws to fill that void, and realizing that made me feel a tremendous wave of guilt.

I looked over at him while he sipped his firewhiskey wondering if he felt it too. I sniffed the air and felt his comfort coming off him. Comfort, warmth and just a bit of something I couldn't quite place my finger on. A smell that I had always gotten from him that I had never been quite able to place, something akin to frustration; yet something that was completely Sirius, that causes him to have an intensity and passion that I was attracted to yet feared at the same time. He looked over at me and gave me a smile as our conversation slid along easily as if we had never been separated. We fell back into our old speech pattern; our teasing stayed the same and our easy style still very firmly in place. I couldn't help but feel my heart get lighter as I was around him. It was as if I had found something very precious that I had lost.

It was only when he didn't think I was looking that I saw his eyes darken. That I saw the loneliness there, and I had to wonder if my own eyes were the same. Or was this darkening from the things that he saw while he was in the veil. Either way I wanted to see that look go away. I wanted to make him not feel that lost feeling that I caught whiffs of coming off him. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone anymore.

But tell me how you feel

For I am lonely too

We both ended up getting pretty pissed that night and falling asleep in our chairs. Being the weekend I didn't have to be anywhere the next morning. When we decided to finally come out of our stupors both of us were sore, but seemed in good spirits to find ourselves in the same space together. We plodded along during the day. Eating breakfast and chatting still. I began to tell him of the trouble I had seemed to get myself into and I watched as his demeanor change. It troubled me as I watched him become angry. Unsure why he would have such a strong reaction, but that was a lie wasn't it? I knew why, but I wouldn't let my mind go there. We had spent too much time away to go there yet. We needed this time to reconnect. Sirius was alive. We would have time to finally get to that subject eventually, wouldn't we?

As the day went on I felt him pull away. The news of my relationship with Hermione didn't sit well with him, and I couldn't help but sigh. It seemed that no one understood, and I had hoped that he of all people would understand. That he would see that I had needed the warmth, and to watch his mood darken as the day went on only made me feel more isolated. My own mood echoed the smell of being cold and alone that Sirius was giving off.

It was Sirius' reaction that made me realize that my relationship with Mione was not going to work. I had been lying to myself before. Telling myself that it was okay, that for once I could have what I wanted and feel not so alone. Telling myself that my best mate would understand and appreciate that I didn't want to spend my life alone, instead I was facing my best mate, and he didn't understand.

Need you to know

I'm just as cold & numb as you

That night we drank again, as it seemed that Sirius had a house full of liquor. The night was not as jovial as the night before. There was something heavy in the air, something unsaid that was there biting at us; and we both felt it. We were on edge. Dancing on eggshells as not to disrupt the feeling that was coursing between us, he afraid that I might leave, and me afraid he might turn me away. It wasn't until late that night as I went for another bottle that he started to speak about what was bothering him. "Why her, Moony?" he asked his voice hard.

I stopped while in the kitchen a bottle of firewhiskey clutched in my hand. My face tensed from the questions asked. "Why not her?", I asked in return not sure where his questions were going to lead us and not wanting to give him any extra ground to stand on, as I had already given him enough.

"She's too young for you." He said curtly, "She doesn't know you."

"Isn't that true with any new relationship?" I asked him evenly not wanting this to get out of hand. Both of us had been drinking, and knowing Sirius I knew that it could get out of hand quickly with his tongue loosened with drink.

"Don't be cheeky, you know what I mean." He growled at me. "She's young enough to be your daughter."

I almost laughed in his face at that moment and would have if I hadn't been making my way out of the kitchen and him in the sitting room. It was laughable, the infamous sex deviant, Sirius Black lecturing me on dating girls too young for me? He had made dating younger girls and boys almost an art form, and for him to look down at me for it was almost more than I could take. "I think you have no room to talk, Sirius." I told him coldly. "It seems to me that Bill Weasley is only a few years older than her." I reminded him.

"Don't bring that up here that is completely different." He snapped as he is instantly on his feet. I watched him coolly as he starts to pace around the house as he scratched the back of his head. Meanwhile I stood at the doorway of the sitting room with the bottle of firewhiskey still in my hand, I watched him as I waited for what he was going to say next. I would have been amused if I didn't know how deadly serious the conversation was. "We were both consenting adults, and besides you don't know what you are talking about anyway." he barked out at me and I quirked my eyebrow at him.

"Why would it bother me if you buggered Bill?" I asked him coolly even though the thought of it made me physically ill. "Hermione isn't like any other girl. She's very mature for her age." I told him using the old justifications that I had told myself.

"Mature for her age?" He barked a laugh at me. "How mature could a sixteen year old be? Sure, she can physically have sex but that doesn't make her mature, Remus. Just because there is grass on the green doesn't mean that the field is ready to play Quidditch!" He sneered at me.

I flinched at his crude words and felt my face burn with indignation. "It wasn't…isn't like that." I told him my words dripping with anger. "I care for her, and she for me. I would have figured of all people you would understand. I would have thought you would have wanted some happiness for me. I've been alone for a long time." I told him my voice cold and my demeanor stiff.

He quickly turned on me and walked briskly towards me until we were standing face to face staring each other down. "You've been alone for a long time, because you chose to; and you know it." He spat at me. I blinked a couple of times as his words sank in and before I could say anything in return he sidestepped me and walked into his room saying behind him, "You know where the door is on your way out." He slammed the door to his room after he entered it. I stood there for a moment wondering if what had just happened was real, and felt as if I had my heart ripped out in front of me. I ran a hand through my hair as I tried to comprehend it all.

But I could fly away

Or I could be no one

It was then that I first thought of leaving. Leaving it all behind, just walking away from the Wizarding world as I knew it. Just get a regular job in the muggle world and live a simple life. Hiding once a month because of my 'furry little problem' as Prongs used to gently put it. I could leave this world and not have to worry about my poor choices, the judgments that have been placed on me. I could not have any contact with these people again. I could have walked away from the war, and not have to worry about what horrors might lie ahead of me. I felt confused and a bit angry as I heard his words echo in my head, and yet, I couldn't leave. I couldn't bring myself to walk away from him; to have more time separate us, because if I had I would have never seen him again. I knew that neither of us would make it without the other in each other's life somehow. I could not bring myself to leave him again, not matter what kind of hurtful things he said to me. There were still things left to be said. There was still time to recover, and maybe it was because I'm weak or selfish, but I refused to leave his house. I sat there until dawn waiting for him and myself to cool off.

And you could be the

Sunshine falling over the mountains

I knew that he didn't want me to go anymore than I wanted to leave. This was something that we understood about each other. I could smell the fear, anger and hurt that came from him even while he was in his room barricaded. I sat down and poured myself a drink waiting until I felt he had enough time to pull himself together. We would not end it like this. I sat in that chair for hours, and I knew that he was very much aware that I was still there. After dawn I heard the door open and I turned and watched as he walked out of the room. His face was flushed with guilt as I'm sure mine was as well. He walked up to me and I stood so that we were facing each other. "You're still here I see." He said to me but not coldly.

"Yes, of course. It takes more than that to scare me away." I told him with a small smile.

He returns my smile and gave me a small nod, "Let's have us some breakfast then? I assume that since its Sunday you'll stay awhile?" He asked as he made his way into the dining room. The question was said casually, but I heard the underlined meaning in it. It was unspoken yet spoken at the same time and our eyes met for a second.

Or you could come to stay

You could come right home

"Yes, that is the plan." I told him, and I couldn't help but smile, "But how about you let me cook?" I asked him.

He turned to me with a questioning look, "How come?" He asked me.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I started to move towards him, "Mostly because you cook like Hagrid." I replied to him as I started to make my way towards the kitchen, while he gave me a very ungentlemanly like hand gesture.

Our day went by smoothly and we began to enjoy each other's company once more as the day passed. Luckily it was one of those days where even though it went through the cycle it didn't seem to go so fast. It seemed like we had time to enjoy ourselves, and I noticed that I didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. I noticed as the day grew longer that I had a knot in my stomach. That I felt like I could be happy just staying here and hanging out with Sirius forever. I didn't feel lonely while with him and that everything might just turn out okay.

After dinner we sat outside on his porch. We were both smoking a fag, which is something I had not done in a very long time. It seemed that I only smoked when Sirius was around, and we sat in the cold winter air and let the smoke billow up from the butts that were in our fingers. "Do you have to go back now?" He asked quietly.

"No, not quite yet," I told him. "I don't have classes until tomorrow after lunch. If you would like I can stay again tonight?"

Don't see why I have to

Live this life all alone

"I would like that as I kind of mucked last night all up." He said as he takes a drag from his cigarette.

I nodded my head in agreement of both him mucking up the evening before and me staying again that evening, as I didn't really want to leave him. "Then that's what I'll do." I said as I took my own drag.

"Let's go in and get a drink to warm us up?" He suggested and I thought it sounded like a good idea as any. Both of us standing we walked back into the house after pitching our cigarettes carelessly into the snow. I followed him into the kitchen which was small and cramped as he got out the glasses and the whiskey. I took of my gloves and rubbed my hands together to get heat into them standing behind him. As he turned with the glass of whiskey to hand to me his body brushed up against mine and we both froze for a second. There was suddenly a buzz in my ears from the electrical current that went through my body from where he touched me. No longer did I need anything to warm me as I the mere touch that we just shared went through my body. Our eyes locked and it came flooding back to me…the night we had shared at my apartment that led us to three days in Florence.

We stared at each other mutely for a moment both of us feeling the moment. Sirius unconsciously licked his lips and my eyes flitted to his mouth, and I realized how much I wanted to feel his lips against mine. Was this what had been accumulating between us? Everything seemed to disappear in that moment, my job, Hermione, the life I had lived these last six months without him, and the years before where we had either been separated with him in prison or separated because maybe I was blind and stupid. I wanted to reach out and touch him to let myself know that I wasn't dreaming, I wanted to taste him to know he was real. The moment seemed like an eternity. Neither of us moving as we stared at each other, I could smell his want coming off him in waves, and I knew he could smell the same coming from me. It was almost as if we moved as one. He dropped the glasses and took a small step towards me as I moved towards him at the same time. The glass shattered against the floor in a crash but we didn't notice because our lips had met in the middle in a bruising kiss that had been waiting to happen for years. His hands went to my hips pulling me closer to him while my own hands went into his hair pulling his mouth to me, our tongues already exploring each other, remembering what the other tasted like after all these years. It tasted like heaven.

I know there is a way to make up for old mistakes

I have no idea how long we stood in that kitchen connected as we were. It was if time and space had transcended giving us that moment to catch up for lost time. We started to move as one towards the door as both of us tried to get the other undressed as quickly as possible. He pressed me up against the dining room wall as his hand ran up under the t-shirt of his I had borrowed making my arms raise so he could get it off me. Once he pulled it off his mouth was at my neck licking and biting, and I remember moaning out his name at the sheer feel of it. Both of us were hard against each other as our hips grinded up against each other, and both of us were panting as we started to move again towards the bedroom, which I knew we would never make. My hands went to his jeans as I started to undo the buttons our mouths meeting again as I sucked on his bottom lip. "Fuck Remus, that feels good." He whispered as I started to lick and nibble under his ear.

I felt a shiver go down his spine as I finally got his pants undone, and I slid my hand over his satin shorts stroking him through the slippery soft material. "So long…" Sirius whispered as he looked at me and I nodded my head and without thinking I dropped to my knees in front of him. I looked up at him and saw not just want and lust in his eyes, but just a bit of shock and I flushed slightly as it gave me a secret thrill that I could still shock Sirius Black. I tugged on his jeans and they slid down his legs, as pulled his boxers down with a fluid motion.

His erection came forward hard and swollen, and I felt this incredible urge to have it in my mouth. My eyes flitted up to his and saw that he was intently watching me. He knew he had been the first man I had ever done this to, and there had never been another man since. I had always wanted to do things with him since that day a long time ago. I let my tongue come out and lick the head to get a taste for it and he sucked a sharp breath in as I did. A drop of clear pre-come came out of him and I used my tongue to lap at it, tasting him for the first time in years. The taste was as I remembered it, salty and a little bitter, and I had to grin to myself at the reaction he gave me when I did this. I let my mouth enclose over his head and I began to move it down his shaft while I let my tongue smooth over his skin. He moaned as I did this and I was encouraged to continue on as I took as much as I could of him in my mouth. I began to suck my way up his length and I heard as he made a little yip noises in his throat as his hand came and tangled in my hair. He started to guide me to the rhythm that he wanted and I made sure to follow, using my mouth and lips to give him pleasure.

His breathing started to quicken and I could feel him twitch in my mouth. It was when he made a growling sound in his throat that I thought I was going to come in my pants from just the sound of it. I wondered what it looked like to have me on my knees in front of him sucking him off with my own erection tight in my pants, his hands in my hair as he started to move his hips while my mouth slid over his hard cock. The thought of it made my hands move down to my own pants as I felt like I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I had just unbuttoned my trousers when he let out a hoarse cry, "Now Remus, now!" and I felt my mouth become full of hot fluid from his orgasm. I swallowed as quickly as possible as not to choke and continued to suck on him greedily until I was sure he had nothing left to give me. His legs were shaking and when I removed him from my mouth I was throbbing painfully in my pants. He slowly slid down to his knees in front of me and as we looked each other in the eyes he went in and kissed me taking my tongue in his mouth as he sucked on it tasting himself on me. "Fuck Remus!" He panted at me and I smiled at him shyly a little amazed at myself and what I just did. Remembering how much I loved it from before.

His hands moved down to my pants and I groaned as he palmed my erection still locked in my pants. "Want you, Sirius." I whispered to him, and he gave me that knowing look of his as he took my lips again.

"I know." Sirius said with a smirk, and I started to chuckle as I thought how little he had changed at times. My trousers already unbuttoned he undid the zip as my pants slid down my hips. Having forgone wearing anything under my pants he had easy access to me instantly. His hands were hot and felt good as they worked me and he was wiggling out the rest of the way from his pants never letting up as he stroked me with his hands. "How do you want me?" Sirius asked me, and in my minds eye I could see him in all different positions. Knowing that I'm so worked up and wanted to only be inside of him I could barely speak.

"Get on your knees." I panted as I saw him turn in front of me. I ran my hand down his back onto his backside feeling the soft skin underneath me, so different from a female, but better. I thought as I muttered the lubricus coreum spell. Warm lubricant filled my palm as I started to move my hand down the cleft of his bum making sure to my fingers gave him a liberal amount around the tight opening I planned on being in. I slid a finger inside of him slowly and felt as he seemed to pull me in and I moaned at the feeling of it as I imagined how it will felt to be inside of him after all these years. His head hung between his shoulders and I heard him let out a little yip of pleasure as my finger slid over his prostate. I couldn't help but smirk as I let a second finger enter him and heard the same yip come from him. I slid the fingers slowly in and out of him and every time I glazed over the prostate he would shiver just a little. I needed to be inside of him then. I had to feel what he was like again, and I took my hand that had the lubricant and made sure that I was slick enough to enter him.

When I slid my fingers out of him Sirius lifted his head and looked over at his shoulder at me. I could tell he was about to say something when I placed the tip of my cock at his tight entrance. With my eyes locked onto his, I slowly slid myself into him, getting about half way when I my eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of how tight he was around me. I had to stop for a moment just to catch my breath as not to come at that moment. When I felt under control again I continued to slide the rest of the way in slowly letting him adjust to the size of me. A sheen of perspiration popped up on his back as I slid a hand down his spine, and I began to move slowly inside of him. Each thrust I made sure to slide over his prostate and he was making small grunts and groans every time I entered him fully. I pushed forward inside of him and my torso was laying against his back as I kissed his shoulder as I felt waves of pleasure roll over me. I whispered in his ear. "You feel better than I remember." Sirius only moaned in response. He pushed up against me and it was my turn to groan as it spurned me to start taking deeper strokes. I sped up my pace as I started to feel the shudders start to hit me, and I lifted my torso up so that I could pull his hips into me. My mouth was open as I tried to catch my breath because he was so tight around me, almost too tight and it was like the best torture/pleasure feeling that I had ever had. He was making noises that my sex addled mind couldn't even comprehend as my release started to creep up on me in stronger and stronger waves, my hand snaked it's way around to stroke his once again hard cock in time with my strokes. I could feel that he too was getting close, and then it hit me…this is perfection. This is what I had been missing in my life. I had been missing him.

And I know what's happening is for a reason

It's that knowledge that threw me over the edge. Our movements working their way up into a crescendo as I screamed his name letting myself go in my orgasm. Clutching onto him as my hips bucked into him and I felt myself not just surrounded by him but by white hot heat that came from me as I filled him. His own orgasm hitting the same time as I felt the same hot fluid in my hand as I continued to stroke him. Both of us collapsed in a pile, me on top of him, both of us heaving for breath and not speaking. In all honesty there hadn't been anything to say, we had shared something that was beyond words, and both of us knew it. When I had caught my breath I slid out of him and he rolled over so that we were facing each other. I kissed his lips softly almost chastely, and moved some hair from his eyes, and still we didn't say anything.

We didn't talk about what it meant. We didn't talk about what it would do to us. We didn't talk about what it would do to my relationship with Hermione. We didn't talk about the fact that I wasn't supposed to know he was alive. We didn't talk about how angry Albus would be with us if he found out. We just laid there in silence content to just be together for that moment as we had been denied so many other moments like this, either from our own accord or by force.

We later got up and went into his small bedroom to sleep a somehow comfortable sleep in an unusually small bed. In the morning I rose and got ready to go back to Hogwarts. I watched him for a moment as he lay in bed feigning sleep, and smiled as I ran a hand through my hair. I had thought that things might have felt different in the morning, but they hadn't. In the light of day I still wanted him, it hadn't just been one of those moments. We hadn't talked about it, and I could feel his questioning coming off him. His confusion, but I knew I would be back. He was Sirius, and I was Remus. We were the last of the marauders, but we were more at the same time. We were connected now just as we were back in Florence. There was something undeniable there, and even though it was wonderful it weighed my heart down.

Looking back I knew there would be decisions that would need to be made. I would be forced to make a decision between Hermione and Sirius, but in that moment I wouldn't let myself think about it. I only thought about what felt right to me at that moment, and Sirius felt right. I knew it.

I know…

After that night I started showing up almost every night spending time with Sirius. I had made my choice, even if I didn't admit it then, I look back and know it now.

I made the right choice. I have no regrets.