Title: Unexpected Offspring

Author: jlcleamus

Summary: Humor-The Skywalkers are in for a surprise when Padme gives birth

Anakin leaned back on his comfy leather chair in the Supreme Chancellor's office and sighed happily. It felt good to be the Chosen One. He had discovered the true Sith Master was none other than the revered Chancellor Palpatine and had slaughtered him easily, bringing balance to the Force and purging forever the darkness that tainted the Galaxy. With access to the dead Sith Lord's files, Anakin learned the truth of the Clone Wars and arrested the entire Separatist Council.

For his efforts, the Jedi Council agreed not only to allow his marriage to Senator Padme Amidala, but they officially proclaimed him the Order's "Jedi of the Millenium". Furthermore, Masters Yoda and Mace Windu announced their retirements from the Jedi shortly following the final destruction of the Sith, and to Anakin's delight his best friend Obi-Wan Kenobi was named the Co-Grand Master of the Jedi Order, along with Anakin himself, of course. His political capital carried over to his wife's side to, and Senator Amidala found herself elected the new and first Supreme Chancellor of the Restored Republic almost immediately after the chaos died down.

Yes, things were good, Anakin mused. He lit a fancy Corellian Cigar as he sat in his wife's fun new swiveling chair. He spun himself around a couple of times, only to lose his grip on the cigar, which bounced painfully off his arm and onto Padme's Nubian Mahogany desk, a true rare antiquity from times past. Unfortunately the desk with its antique material was flammable, and Anakin had to reach into the deepest reserves of the Force, or maybe it was just his lungs, to prevent the fancy piece of office furniture from becoming Corellian kindling.

Remembering that his wife hated when he smoked indoors, Anakin hastily hid the cigar in his sleeve as he heard Padme's footsteps approaching. His ears popped up when he noticed that her pace seemed frantic and her thoughts were jumbled and panicked. The Chosen One rushed to her side just as she emerged into her office.

"Anakin," she said, grabbing her swollen stomach, "it's time."

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Five hours later, husband and wife stared in shock at their newborn infant, cradled in the arms of the delivery droid.

"It's…um…beautiful? Kinda, maybe? Well…it's breathing, at least."

That was all the shocked and still exhausted Padme could offer.

Anakin however, burned with rage, anger, and hurt.

"Padme? How could you? I'm your husband, Anakin! We made a vow to be faithful to each other! How could you betray that vow, Padme? And with…Jar Jar Binks?"

Anakin wrinkled his nose in disgust to accentuate his point. The slimy, floppy-eared infant that had popped out of his wife's stomach squealed in response.

"Anakin, I have never cheated on you. I swear! You are the only one I have been with, and the only one I will ever be with. I would never hurt you."

Padme's words calmed Anakin down, as he sensed complete truth and sincerity from his beloved wife. He walked over to her bedside and put his arm around her, a nonverbal sign of an apology for his accusations. Padme leaned her head onto his chest, and the two of them stared at the baby Gungan, still being held in the droid's appendages.

"How is this possible," Padme asked finally.

"Well, are there any Gungans on your side of the family?"

Padme's arms shivered with disgust.

"Oh no! Never! One of my crazy great-uncle MuMu's eighty-five personalities was a Gungan, but that's about it. Things like that are much frowned upon on Naboo, and nothing like that would ever happen. It's taboo."

"I see."

Anakin's brain began a perilous journey into the deep woods of thoughtful contemplation, and a few seconds later emerged with a startling revelation.

"Hey, that rhymed! Naboo…taboo…Padme, that rhymes!"

"Calm down, Anakin," Padme urged, somewhat caught off-guard by Anakin's outburst of pure delight. "Rhymes aren't going to solve this mystery."

"Maybe…the Dark Side can?"

The skies outside seemed to glow a little darker. The delivery droid grunted, and the baby Gungan began to whimper.

"Anakin," Padme scolded harshly, "don't. Did the dark side help you find your speeder keys?"

"No," Anakin answered, staring at the floor in embarrassment.

"Did the dark side help you clean the cigar smoke from my bedroom before I came home last night?"

"It didn't? Really? … I mean…what cigar smoke?"

"Anakin…wait a minute…oh my."

"What is it?"

Padme spoke as if on autopilot, her eyes recalling the distant memory.

"When I was Queen, I remember signing a posthumous pardon for a Gungan extremely strong in the Force named Dar Dar Stinks. He had led a failed revolution against the Naboo twenty-five years ago and fled to Tatooine in exile shortly afterwards."

"So? How does that relate to this," Anakin asked, his face scrunched up as he made a truly valiant attempt to connect the dots.

"Anakin, did your mother ever tell you the truth about your real father?"

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Twenty-five years ago:

"Meesa Dar Dar Stinks. Meesa muy muy strong in the Force but meesa so so insecure causen meesa's very very muy weirdo name. Meesa gonna make for it by leading misguided revolution against the Naboo."

"I'm Captain Panaka. You may be strong in the Force, but you are no match for Naboo's volunteer Air Force."

Panaka's air raid wipes out the pathetic little Gungun army.

"Oh no! Meesa granda army gone be wipen outed. Meesa gonna flee to Tatooine and knocken up slave chick!"

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Back to the present:

"So you're saying, my father was a Gungan?"

Padme tried to avoid eye contact as she continued with the startling revelations.

"Well, not exactly. You see, technically your mother was telling the truth when she said you had no father, though the stuff about being conceived by the Force was bullsith."

"How's that possible?"

"Well, you see…apparently…all Gungans are female. There are no male Gungans; they do not exist. I would not even try to explain to you their biology. Its…," her eyes flinched and flickered involuntarily as she pondered the unappetizing thought, "…complicated.

Anakin's eyes grew wide as he tried to digest the thought.

"Really? They're all…"

"Yup! Jar Jar, Tarpals…even Boss Nass."

"Oh my."

"I'm sorry, Anakin…"

Padme suddenly shirked back and away from her husband in disgust.

"Oh my God!"

"What, Padme?"

"I'm the Padme Naberrie Amidala Skywalker, former Queen and Senator of Naboo, currently the First Supreme Chancellor of the Restored Republic…and I'm married to a freakin' Gungan!"

It as at that inopportune point in time that the cigar concealed in Anakin's sleeve decided to drop down onto Padme's lap, burnt ashes spilling all over her newly bought Royal Alderaanian hospital gown.

FIN :)

And truly, I extend to any readers my deepest apologies for what I have just put you through. I truly don't know what came over me.