Chapter Three – KENNY'S POV

WHAM!

I sat up straight in the middle of the night, looking wildly around for the thing that had made that noise. I could have sworn I heard something swearing after it as well. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman still slept peacefully. That was weird, I thought, settling down in bed. But after that I thought I heard something that sounded like moaning.

I woke up again, but it was morning this time, to see Kyle standing over Stan's sleeping bag – or at least where it was now. They had moved it under the table, and the table had fallen on Stan. That would explain the loud noise I heard in the middle of the night. I stood up quietly, and Kyle gently moved the table off Stan, revealing a blanket covering him. They had no idea I was awake.

"Sorry, dude," Kyle was saying. "I didn't hear you in the middle of the night. I was dreaming."

"I kicked you!" hissed Stan angrily. "You should have woken up!"

Kyle threw back the blanket – and I held back a wild burst of laughter. Stan was handcuffed to the table!

"About time," he grumbled. "I can't believe you – uh oh."

He had just noticed me standing there. Kyle turned around.

"Oh, Kenny!" he exclaimed, laughing nervously. "I suppose you're kind of wondering what the heck we're doing…"

"Ahttheeckrrrooinn?" I asked.

"Yeah, what the heck are we doing…well…" Kyle glanced at Cartman's sleeping form. "Is he asleep?"

I walked over and glanced down at him, then gave him a slight nudge with my toe. He didn't react, and since I was still alive, he must still be asleep. I told them that.

"Good." I walked to Kyle and Stan, where Kyle was searching for the keys by Stan's head. "Stan just reported that he was sleepwalking a few nights ago."

"Ohh!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "Ohhan."

"Yeah, oh man," snapped Stan. There was a small click and his hands came free. "I unfortunately sleepwalked over to Shelly's room, and well…it wasn't funny.

"Ndduuontauntarrmaoonocuzzeellakeunofuu?" I asked.

"Yeah, he doesn't want Cartman to know because he'll make fun of him," translated Kyle. "And you won't tell either, will you?"

"Noo," I said. "Ayeomiseayeontell."

"You better promise you won't tell," growled Stan, sitting up. "I haven't experienced anything so embarrassing since…I dunno."

It was then when Cartman's sleeping form suddenly stirred. We stared at the larger one suddenly sit up and yawn.

"Hey, dudes," he said. "What did I miss?"

"Oh, man, Cartman's awake," complained Kyle.

"Err, ayeaveaeestshun," I said.

"What's your question?" asked Stan.

"Ummm…" I hesitated. Then, "Uttinndawoldsslahh?"

The three of them stared at me.

"What did he say?" Kyle asked Stan.

"He said he doesn't know what slash is," he answered. "Oh, man."

"Maybe it's better if he doesn't know." Kyle looked at me. "Why did you react to that Kenny/Butters fic, then?"

I shrugged. "Ayeuzustaying along."

"You were just playing along," repeated Stan, glancing at Kyle.

"I'm not going to tell him," said Cartman, sitting on a chair with his hands behind his head.

"Issitealyatbbad?" I asked.

"Yes, it really is that bad, Kenny," said Kyle. "You see…slash fics are…erm…well…" He glanced at Stan for help.

"Male/Male," he mumbled.

Now it was my turn to stare.

"Ssayut?"

"Yeah, male/male romances," said Stan, looking very uncomfortable. "It's disgusting."

"Ahhiteess!" I cried. "Ayeantelieeveanictionuodalowtoseondaite!"

"I can't believe people would allow that on the site either, Kenny," said Kyle. "It's seriously nasty."

I shivered at the thought of all those slash writers. (a/n: no offense, dudes, but I seriously cannot stand slash.) And they had three-fourth of the community on the South Park area? That was just weird.

"Hey, let's check out the fics that are on today," suggested Cartman. "I want to see another Stan/Kyle!"

"I don't," mumbled Kyle and Stan, but in seconds we were crowded around at the computer, with Kyle at the mouse, because he was probably the only one who could work it.

"There's that story 'Of the Obsessed and Abused' again," said Cartman, smirking. "It's a Kyle/Stan. Haha!"

"Kenny/Butters again," muttered Stan. "Oh, look! A Clyde/Craig!"

"Can we show it to them?" asked Cartman. "Pleeease?"

"No, that would be rude," said Kyle, scrolling down. "Oh my God! 'Fallen Little Jewboy?' 'What if Sheila had missed and shot her own son?' Oh God."

"Let's read it!" cried Cartman.

"Let's not."

"Yeah, I don't want to see Kyle die," added Stan.

"You people are stupid. If that happened, I'd be able to devise my own plan for Kyle to die."

"What!" exclaimed Kyle.

"Ell, attuzude," I said.

"Yeah, that was rude," growled Stan. "Scroll down, Kyle. What else is there?"

"Here's a Kenny one – 'Stuart,'" read Kyle. "'Kenny asks his dad about his mom. Hints of character death.'"

"Err, izzommedd?" I asked.

"I don't know if your mom's dead because we're not going to read it," answered Kyle, going to the next page.

But at that moment, the door flew open. The four of us turned in shock. It was Ike, Kyle's little brother.

"Oh, hi, Ike," said Kyle, waving. "Are Mom and Dad up?"

Ike didn't answer, but gave us very searching looks. We glanced at each other. Wow, Ike had really gone berserk.

"Ike?" said Kyle, blinking. "You okay?"

Ike still said nothing, but left out the door.

"Well, that was weird," said Cartman, standing straight up.

"Ayeavveooeave," I said, looking at a clock.

"Really?" said Stan. "Why do you have to leave?"

I shrugged. "Ittssutayearenttsedd."

"It's what your parents said," repeated Kyle. "Well, that's cool. Bye, then, Kenny!"

As I turned to leave, I heard Cartman mutter, "I'll bet his family is always so drunk, they need him there to take the alchohol away from them!"

I picked up a baseball and chucked it at Cartmans' head. The wider boy let out a yell and clutched his head while Stan and Kyle snickered.

I did a few chores around the house while my parents – surprise, surprise – got drunk. Just when I had finished patching up a hole in my bedroom, the doorbell rang.

"Get the phone, Kenny!" came my Dad's cry.

"Ooeandadore," I muttered, and opened the door.

It was Ike. I scowled.

"Idoolloeeome, upid? Everind – I'llllakeooakkoodabroflovvviis."

I was just about to leave for Kyle's house, when Ike leapt at me, teeth literally bared! He bit my arm. I leapt back in pain and shock.

"Aykke!" I cred. "Uttda –"

Ike wasted no time in leaping at me again – I yelled angrily and ran out the door, with Kyle's little brother close behind. I had managed to get a little bit ahead of him by the time I reached the Broflovskis' – shaking and sweating, I pounded on the door.

Kyle, Stan, and Cartman opened it.

"Whoa, dude!" exclaimed Kyle. "Kenny, what are you doing here?"

"Ile," I gasped, "orrittleotherazonninane. Ettimawayyomee!"

"My little brother has gone insane?" repeated Kyle.

"Haha!" Cartman, of course.

"Where is he?" asked Stan, stepping outside. Then, "Ahhh!"

I felt a horrible pain in my head and then – nothing.

Well, Kenny's dead!

Sorry it's short – but then, if Kenny's narrating, it's bound to be short! Again, those fics I mentioned up there – go read and review them.