Disclaimer- I own nothing. Except for well my plot and my characters that
you do not realize. K. I don't even own the book mentioned in the story!
A/n- Here's the next chapter!
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Lily laid in bed with her curtains drawn thinking about the happy students around her, her happy friends. She just couldn't find joy with them anymore. All through dinner they joked and laughed, but Lily couldn't. She just couldn't find it in herself to be happy. Was it self-pity, she didn't know? All she knew was she couldn't be the gloom of the bunch; she couldn't let her friends see how hurt and depressed she was. Because then they wouldn't be happy, and Lily couldn't do that to them. She couldn't and wouldn't be the cause of their sadness. She knew what she had to do, she had separate herself from them, separate herself from them for good, no matter how much it hurt her.
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Lily awoke the next morning at six thirty, because a nightmare of her father. She knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, she never could after the nightmares started and woke her up. She sighed and wiped the tears and sweat away from her face and shuddered as the memory was still fresh in her mind. She slowly pushed herself up so she could get ready for the day, seeing that she might as well get ready since she couldn't go back to sleep. She quietly walked in the bathroom with her clothes and turned on the shower and stepped in.
She quickly washed her body in soup and shampooed her hair and then quickly dried off. Afterwards she dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a dark navy blue shirt with a star in the middle, and then slipped into her robes. Afterwards she slipped into her shoes and quietly slipped out of her and the other girl's room taking her schoolbooks and bag with her and walked down to the common room, to await breakfast. As she sat that and watched the embers glow the thought of her mother entered her mind, and how it was her fault that she had died, been killed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she breathed in a ragged and painful breath. She quickly got out her diary that she had brought with her and flipped to a clean page.
'Diary,
You will soon be my only friend. I can't let my friends get sucked in to the painful emptiness as me. I would hate myself even more. Like I do now. I hate my self. I'm a disgusting slut who killed her mom. I mean it's my fault she dead, my fault, all my fault. I'm empty in side ya know I feel nothing anymore. Complements to daddy, who says is the only one that loves me. He told me if anyone found out they would hate me, or pity me, but never love me again. Only he would. Only he would love a slut like me. It scares me, that darkness that devours my life, the emptiness that eats away at me, the fear of him. I'm not sure what to do anymore, how to act. I know one thing, I have to let my friends go. I'll only cause them pain, and sadness, and.. disgust. Disgust at me for being a slut and what I've done. I couldn't, can't live with that. It would be unbearable, even more so then the emptiness and darkness. Its almost time for breakfast. Bye.
~Lily~
By now Lily was holding the sobs that wanted to rack her body in, as the flood of tears rolled down her face and splashed onto the paper leaving smudges. Lily adverted her eyes upward to look toward the ceiling as swallowed hard to get the lump out of her throat as she wiped at her tears that she was trying to stop. She sniffed to stop her nose from running as she stuffed her diary in her bag and tossed it over her shoulder before walking out of the common room to go down to breakfast.
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James woke up and looked at his clock it read six forty in the morning. He groaned and tried to go back to sleep, but it only proved to him that he couldn't. He after all was one of those people that when they woke up they couldn't go back to sleep. He laid there for a second or too before going to get ready for the day. He might as well get ready now then later, then he would go to the common room wait for his fellow marauders to awake.
After he got out of the bathroom he quickly, but quietly got his things and walked out of the room he shared. As he was walking down the stairs but stopped when he suddenly heard a ragged and painful breath break through the thick silence. He carefully and quietly walked down the step s a little so he could see who had taken the breath, but without being seen. What he saw made him just a bit surprised and curious. Lily Evans, sitting on the couch writing something in what he supposed was her diary crying hard and trying to keep from sobbing. He watched as the tears slipped down her cheeks and splashed on the pages she was writing on. He wondered what could make her so sad that she was to cry. He wondered what she was writing, but too to one her friends knew, so he just watched her.
His eyes followed her back as she got up from the couch and walked out of the common room, most likely to breakfast considering they had been there for quite sometime. He only shook his head and got up from his spot on the stairs and walked out of the commons room, like Lily had seconds earlier.
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Lily walked down the last flight of stairs before reaching the Great Hall with her head titled downward. Just as she was about to reach the Great Hall entrance she ran in to someone, or either they ran into her. Lily stumbled back and fell to the ground, her book bag falling and spilling the contents over the floor.
"Sorry." Lily quickly, but quietly said, with her eyes still tilted downward.
"Watch where you're going next time mudblood!" She heard someone sneer.
Lily slowly lifted her head and her eyes met with those of Malfoy. "I'm s-sorry." Lily stuttered.
"You had better be. Now I must go and change into something clean." Malfoy sneered.
Lily looked at him and slowly started to get up when he pushed her back down roughly. "Stay there, it's where you belong mudb-"
"MALFOY!" Both Lily and Malfoy heard someone shout angrily from the stairwell.
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As James was descending the last flight of stairs he heard voices. A familiar voice also. Malfoy's voice. 'Evans came down this way.' James thought to himself and quickly descended the stairs to meet the sight of Malfoy standing over top of Lily and pushing her back to the ground.
His words traveled to James ears. "Stay there, it's where you belong mudb-"
James' anger boiled, how dare he think of muggleborns as below him. But then he reminded himself that he was after all a Slytherin. "MALFOY!" James shouted.
"Potter!" Malfoy sneered.
"Leave her alone." James said walking closer to Malfoy and Lily who was presently still on the ground, afraid to move.
"Protecting your little mudblood girlfriend I see. How.. disgusting." He spat and looked at Lily with distaste.
"She's not my girlfriend." James said. "But it's not like it any of your business so go get lost and while you're at it tell your greasy friend to wash his hair." James spat. "And don't call her that!" James roared.
"Watch your back Potter." Malfoy said before giving Lily another look of disgust and walking away to the great hall. James' eyes stayed on his back until he could no longer see him, them he turned his eyes to lily who was still on the ground picking up her books. James took a hesitantly step toward her and looked down.
"Are you ok?" James asked.
Lily only nodded her head without looking up at him. 'Of course I'm ok. I mean I live with an abusive father, why wouldn't I be ok, if Malfoy decoded to take a whack at making me crumble.' Lily thought and sniffed to keep the tears in.
James looked at her oddly for a moment and spotted something out of the corner of his eye, her diary. He bent down to pick it up and then handed it to Lily. "Here's you're um.. Diary." He said.
Lily took and it and put it with her other books and then got up and looked at the ground. "Thanks for the whole Malfoy thing." Lily said quietly. "But um I could've taken care of myself." Lily said.
"Didn't look it." James said without thinking.
"Who asked you anyhow." Lily asked looking at him with sad eyes.
James narrowed his eyes at her and she shifted under his gaze. "I gotta go, Potter. See ya later." She said and walked toward the great hall.
'Strange girl.' James thought as he too entered the Great Hall, and sat on the opposite end of the table from Lily.
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Sierra finished putting on her shoe and then her robe and sat down on her bed to wait for the other two girls to get ready. "I can't believe Lily didn't wait on us. Or wake us up." Sierra said a bit hurt by her friend's action, at not waiting on them.
"Maybe she wanted to give us more time to sleep." Jenna suggested.
"I dunno guys. Did you see the way she was acting? Something's defiantly wrong, with her, and it goes deeper then just her mom dying." Allison said glad that the too snobs had already left the room.
"How so?" Jenna asked, while Sierra just looked at Allison thoughtfully.
"Come on, you must have noticed how Lily is acting now. She has hardly no appetite, she isn't as talkative as she was before, and her eyes. Their lifeless, dead, empty." Allison said.
"Yeah, but wouldn't you be if your mom, who you were close to had just died?" Jenna asked as she finished applying her makeup.
"No, I think Allison has something. When my grandma died, we were really close, I mean really close, I didn't at that way. And have you ever noticed how Lily acts toward her dad? Its just weird." Sierra said. "But maybe Lily is just taking it really hard." Sierra said, trying to make herself believe it.
"I hope that's all it is." Allison said.
"Yeah me too." Sierra said, while Jenna only nodded.
"Well come on." Allison said pulling on her bag over her shoulder. "Lets go down to breakfast." Allison said leaving the room with the other two behind her.
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When they got to the great hall they spotted Lily sitting at the very end of the table, alone and looking very sad, while playing wit her food. The three girls exchanged glances and made their way over to Lily who didn't' even glance up at them when they sat down.
"Hey Lils." Allison said.
Lily looked at her, and kept her face expressionless except for a fake smile that she forced to her lips. "Hello Allison, Sierra, Jenna." She said and went back to playing with her food.
Again the three girls exchanged glances this time with a worried expression on their face. "Lily is something bothering you, because if something is then-" Sierra was cut off.
"Nothing's wrong. I just had a little run in with Malfoy is all." Lily explained so they would get off her back.
"What'd the b#sterd do this time?" Allison asked before anyone else could.
"Nothing really." Lily answered softly about the time their schedules were passed out.
"Hey what do you have?" Allison asked her friends.
"We have potions with the Slytherins first." Sierra said with distaste.
"Look at the bright side, at least we get to see Candy." Jenna said.
"Yeah, your right." Sierra agreed. "But why can't we bleep the other Slytherins out?" She whined.
Jenna and Allison chuckled at that.
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"D#mn, potions with the Slytherins first." Sirius cursed.
"I bet Professor Burns is going to be a bigger b#tch then he was last year." James said. (Sorry if that's not the name I put for the potions master in one of the later chapters, but I forgot his name and can't find the disk I put it on)
"Yeah, and with those slimy Slytherins." Sirius said.
"I bet Evans and her little group will just love this, they get to see their dear friend." Peter said looking at Lily with distaste.
"Why do you always have to be mean to her?" Remus asked.
"Because she's a, a-"
"A what?" Remus asked.
"Never mind. I don't see why you always stick up for her though." Peter mumbled.
"Because she's not here to defend herself." Remus answered.
"Ah, group bonding, loving isn't it?" Sirius asked as he faked crying.
"Yes our little boy' s growing up." James said.
"You two need help." Remus said.
"AH you know you love us." Sirius said.
"Yeah that's what scares me." Remus joked.
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By lunch most of the student already had a pile of homework piled on top of them. Allison and Sierra was complaining about it, quit loudly and getting some attention, while Lily and Jenna just ate their lunch.
"I can't believe our teachers! They are so mean! Its our first day back for Christ Sakes!" Allison said.
"I know!" Sierra said. "They could have at least waited until tomorrow, or like never!" She said. "Now I'll be up all night!"
"What a coincidence, so will we." Said Sirius Black sitting down beside of her. At the sound of his voice Jenna looked up and narrowed her eyes.
"Will you go away." Jenna said. Out of all of them Jenna hated Sirius Black the most.
"I'm hurt Blankenship, I thought you loved me." He said putting a hand over his heart.
"Good. Now piss off." She said.
"Now that's not nice." James Potter said sitting down beside of Allison.
"What makes you think I want you sitting beside of me?" Allison asked about the time her fork was just about to enter her mouth.
James just looked at her before piling his plat full of food. "Fine." Allison huffed playfully and stuffed her fork in her mouth.
Lily cast her eyes from one face to another and quickly left the table and Great Hall. "What's wrong with her?" Sirius asked.
Sierra sighed and shrugged before getting up and running after Lily. "LILY! LILY WAIT!" Sierra called running to catch up with Lily. When Sierra had caught up with her she grabbed her elbow and turned her around to face her.
Lily looked at her with slight irritation. "What?" Lily asked taking a deep breath inward.
"Lily what's the matter, why'd you run off like that?" Sierra asked, not missing the irritation that Lily held.
"Nothing's the matter, I was just going to the library to get started on my homework seeing that we have a break." Lily stated a bit.. cold.
Sierra looked at her oddly. "Lily what's wrong? And don't even say nothing, because I know something's wrong. Lily you can tell me." Sierra said her hand never leaving her elbow.
"Nothing's wrong Sierra." Lily said. "I just want to get some of my homework finished." Lily said quietly.
Sierra sighed, one thing Sierra knew, when Lily didn't want to talk about something, don't push her, or else. 'Stubborn girl'. Sierra thought to herself before nodding and walking away from Lily. Lily looked after Sierra painfully. She hated what she was slowly starting do, she knew it would cause her and them pain, but if they found out then.. No she couldn't do that to them. Lily sighed and started once again toward the Library.
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When Sierra resumed her seat in the great hall her friends threw her glances, but said nothing. The marauders looked at her, Remus with concern, the others were just plan curious as to why one of their 'enemies' left.
"How's Lily?" Remus asked.
"How the h#ll should I know? She friggin wouldn't talk, keeps denying nothings wrong." Sierra said deeply worried about her best friend along with her other friends. Remus looked at her sadly and squeezed her hand, a second to long.
"Sierra and Remus sitting in a tree k-I-s-s-I-n-g first comes love then comes marriage then come-" Sirius sang.
"Black, now it not the time to be a pig and mess with me." Sierra said dangerously, before storming off.
"Sorry about that." Allison apologized to Remus before dragging Jenna out of the great hall after Sierra.
"Wonder what's up with them." Sirius said dumbly.
James and Remus rolled their eyes. "Weren't you listening? Something's wrong with Evans and she's not telling them." James explained.
"Oh." Sirius said. "So why won't she tell?" Sirius asked and James slapped his head with his hand.
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Lily walked into her Divination class that was taught by the new professor, professor Trelawney, and took a set beside the window. She didn't know why she was taking this class, she found it a loud of bull crap anyhow, but none of her other friends were taking it so she might as well give it a go, let her have her time to adjust to being alone. She sighed and looked toward one of the raven claw student's she had this class with. They were smiling and laughing with their friends, without a care in the world, minus the fact of a new evil rising. She sighed and leaned back against her chair and waited for class to be over with so she could go to dinner and then bed.
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Lily sat on her bed finishing up the last of her homework in her pj's. Her friends where still down at dinner talking about something Lily knew nothing about. She had started. She had started detaching herself from her friends, they didn't need her after all, and she had seen them earlier with the marauders, joking with them. There supposed rivals, joking with each other. Lily shook her head as she finished and took out her diary.
'Diary,
Today, it's started. I've started to detach myself away from my happy friends. Happiness. What is happiness actually. Is it just a smile? Does it actually exist? Of course it does, it must because everybody is living in it, everybody but me that is. I'm stuck in the vortex of sadness and emptiness forever it seems. A vortex of darkness, to never see the light again, to never witness love, to never feel complete and warm. Sad and pathetic isn't it? That's why I'm leaving my friends, so they won't experience this vortex I'm in. So they'll be happy. Maybe even become friends with our rivals, the marauders. That would be a sight, especially for Jenna she hates Sirius. Doesn't matter though, I won't be around to see it. I'll be in the shadows of shadows, drowning in the emptiness of my soul for all eternity. I must be off, I hear people.
~Lily~
With that Lily closed her Diary and stuck it in her trunk where it be safe about the time Emily walked in with Susan. Both girls eyed Lily while Emily smirked and flopped down on her bed crossing her legs and leaning back with her elbows holding her up.
"Well, well, well if it isn't the mudblood Evans." Emily said.
Lily glanced at her before getting out her book by Robert Jordan. "What to good to answer us?" Emily asked liking her red lips. "Because you know your not. You're just a little no body who friends feel sorry for. Truth be told the don't even like you two to one." Emily said, and smiled as she saw tears well up in Lily's eyes. "I'm hurting the mudblood's feelings? Well you know what they saw." She said examining her nails.
"And what's that?" Lily asked.
"That the truth hurts like a b#tch." Emily said. "I mean Sierra could have been so popular if it wasn't for you. That girl's rich, has a great sense of fashion and yet you go and cloud her mind so she becomes a little freak like you. Sad really, she had a lot of potential too." Emily said.
The words sliced through Lily like a knife she let a tear slid down her cheek. If that was true then Lily had to separate herself from them. "And what about Allison, Jenna, or Candy?" Lily asked a bit angry.
"Oh them." Emily said. "They could have potential if they really tried. I mean really tried. Of course Gold and Blankenship, we don't really get along, but who knows." Emily said.
"They hate you though, because of the way you act." Lily whispered.
Emily laughed a hallow laugh, "No hun. They hate me because they know they'll never measure up to me. Sora like you, except your lower. Like dirt beneath my feet, but even more dirtier, and more disgusting. You're a toad, an insect that deserves to be smashed." Emily taunted. "You're almost a waste of space." Emily said.
Lily's eyes clouded with tears, she was used to this from her father, but it still hurt her. No matter who said the words, or how many times it was spoken to her. "Almost?" Lily asked.
"Yeah, you still do have your purposes." Emily said. "After all you give us a nice little laugh." Emily said coldly, right before four smiling faces opened the door laughing and smiling. "Well, well, well if it isn't the dork squad." Emily said getting up from her bed and standing in front of girls.
"If it isn't the fat cow that needs to move her a#s out of the door way." Allison said.
Emily glared at her and stomped past her, deliberately smacking Allison's shoulder on the way. Susan followed close behind and glared at the girls. "Yeah go follow your master!" Sierra called after Susan.
"That b#tch! I hate her." Candy said as she sat down on Jenna's bed. None of them noticing that Lily and pulled the curtains around her and was pretending to be asleep.
"Yeah Me too Candy." Jenna said sitting down on Allison's bed.
"Me three." Sierra supplied as she sat on her own bed.
"Me fourth!" Allison called out of the bathroom.
The girl's rolled their eyes at her and giggled slightly. "So what's wrong with Lily?" Candy dared to ask.
"I don't know. She refuses to talk." Sierra said simply. "Anyhow enough of that." Sierra said as the girl's started a conversation that lasted until Candy had to return to her own common room.
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At last it was time for Quidditch tryouts, and Jenna and Allison was both very excited. The four girls (Candy, Allison, Jenna, and Sierra) had not noticed how much their other friend was slowly starting to hang out with them less and less. They had also stopped asking what was wrong, since Lily would always reply nothing. At that moment though the five girls sat in the Gryffindor third year dorm getting ready to watch the Quidditch tryouts, well four as at least.
"I'm so excited." Allison said practically jumping off the walls.
"Me too." Squealed Jenna.
"I hope you guys make it on the team." Candy said.
"Yeah that way we'll be able to hear about you guys instead of Potter." Sierra said.
"I think someone has a crush." Allison said.
"On Potter, now!" Sierra said seriously.
"Who then?" Candy asked.
"Is it Remus?" Allison asked.
Sierra's cheeks immediately started to flush a deep red and the three girls burst out into hysterical. "You like REMUS!" Jenna exclaimed.
Sierra looked downwards. "Shut up." She mumbled.
"Oh come on he's a lot better the other marauders." Jenna said. "Like Black for instance." She said.
"Do you like Sirius?" Allison asked a gleam in her eye.
"I would rather rot first." Jenna said.
"Sure." Allison, Sierra, and Candy all said.
"Well come on." Allison said grabbing her broom and walking out of the door with the other three behind her when Sierra stopped.
"Lils, aren't you coming?" She asked her best friend who was doing homework.
"No." Lily answered shortly without even looking up.
"But Lily, we wanted you to be there with us." Allison said.
"I'm sorry I just don't feel like it right now." Lily said. 'Or ever.' She thought in her mind.
Allison and Jenna sighed. "Fine, whatever Lily. See ya when we get back." Allison said, a bit disappointed and hurt by her friend's actions. "Come on guys." She said and left the room with Candy and Jenna, but Sierra stayed where she was and stared at Lily intently.
"Lily.." Sierra said.
"Sierra you better go." She said without looking up.
"Fine." Sierra said and left the room not understanding her friend anymore.
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When Sierra had made it too the Quidditch field Jenna and Sierra was already up in the air showing what the had, and Candy was in the stands cheering them on much to Gryffindor's displeasure. Sierra made her way up to where Candy was sitting and glanced at her.
"Where were you?" Candy asked never taking her eyes off her two friends.
"Trying to talk to Lily, but she was busy." Sierra said and shrugged. "We need to talk about her Candy. With the others." She said. Candy looked at her and only nodded.
"But after tryouts." Candy said and smiled.
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After tryouts the four girls walked in Hogwarts together talking softly among themselves, about a certain red head. "She keeps f#cking blowing us off!" Sierra said.
"Just a little." Jenna said.
"Yeah, just a little." Allison replied sarcastically.
"Guys, maybe she really is just busy." Candy said.
"Dude we have just as much homework as she does, and we still have time to hang with friends." Sierra said.
"Look tomorrows a Hogmeds (sp) trip, well get her to come then and then we'll talk to her." Jenna said. "Agreed?" Jenna asked.
"Agreed." The girls replied in unison.
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The next day Allison, Candy, Jenna, and Sierra approached Lily in the hallway and glanced at each other. Lily looked at them and raised an eyebrow, wanting to know what they were up to. "What is it?" She asked.
"um.. Lily want to come to Hogmeds, with us today?" Candy asked.
Lily cast her eyes downward and bit her lip. She wanted to go, and the answer was at the tip of her. "No, I can't." Lily answered.
"Why the h#ll not?" Sierra said.
"Because I just don't want to." Lily replied.
"Come ils, give us a better reason then that." Allison said.
"I don't have to! If your not happy with my answer then f#ck the h#ll off!" Lily said her temper flaring.
"Fine if you want to be like that then we will!" Sierra said and stormed away from her with Allison as her side. Jenna and Candy both looked at Lily with hurt eyes.
"Lily, please just-"
"No Jenna. I said I didn't ant to come, now f#ck off!" Lily said. 'It might as well be now or never to break away form them. It's only going to hurt more later.' Lily said willing herself not to cry.
"Fine!" Jenna said and also stormed away. Now there was only Candy and Lily.
"You want to take a try too?" Lily asked willing herself not to crumble and keep up with her bad act.
"Lily I-" Candy stopped. "I gotta go." She said and ran after the other girls who were long gone by now. When they were gone, Lily couldn't take it anymore, she crumbled. Her walls crumbled. She fell in a heap on the stairs and cried her eyes out for her friends. She never noticed the young man standing behind her listening watching everything that had happened. She never noticed James Potter a little ways behind her.
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Okay thanks to everyone who has reviewed I love you guys ssssssooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!
Manny2003- Thanks for the idea! I was thinking about it but I wasn't sure!!!!!! And I hope this was fast enough for ya.
snowflakey- Hey. Hope ya like the chapter. And Yes I LOVE the Wheel of Time series! You should read them they're cool, gets a little boring here and there, but its cool! Check it out lol!!!!! And I hope this chapter was long enough!
AND For EVERYONE ELSE WHO REVIEWED AND I DIDN'T MENTION I LOVE YOU GUYS A BUNCH!!!!!! YOUR ALL NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANX BYE!!!!!!!!!!!! And THE MORE REVIEWS I GET THE FASTER I UPDATE!!!!!! SP PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!
ZombieGurl98
Always
&
Forever
A/n- Here's the next chapter!
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Lily laid in bed with her curtains drawn thinking about the happy students around her, her happy friends. She just couldn't find joy with them anymore. All through dinner they joked and laughed, but Lily couldn't. She just couldn't find it in herself to be happy. Was it self-pity, she didn't know? All she knew was she couldn't be the gloom of the bunch; she couldn't let her friends see how hurt and depressed she was. Because then they wouldn't be happy, and Lily couldn't do that to them. She couldn't and wouldn't be the cause of their sadness. She knew what she had to do, she had separate herself from them, separate herself from them for good, no matter how much it hurt her.
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Lily awoke the next morning at six thirty, because a nightmare of her father. She knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, she never could after the nightmares started and woke her up. She sighed and wiped the tears and sweat away from her face and shuddered as the memory was still fresh in her mind. She slowly pushed herself up so she could get ready for the day, seeing that she might as well get ready since she couldn't go back to sleep. She quietly walked in the bathroom with her clothes and turned on the shower and stepped in.
She quickly washed her body in soup and shampooed her hair and then quickly dried off. Afterwards she dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a dark navy blue shirt with a star in the middle, and then slipped into her robes. Afterwards she slipped into her shoes and quietly slipped out of her and the other girl's room taking her schoolbooks and bag with her and walked down to the common room, to await breakfast. As she sat that and watched the embers glow the thought of her mother entered her mind, and how it was her fault that she had died, been killed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she breathed in a ragged and painful breath. She quickly got out her diary that she had brought with her and flipped to a clean page.
'Diary,
You will soon be my only friend. I can't let my friends get sucked in to the painful emptiness as me. I would hate myself even more. Like I do now. I hate my self. I'm a disgusting slut who killed her mom. I mean it's my fault she dead, my fault, all my fault. I'm empty in side ya know I feel nothing anymore. Complements to daddy, who says is the only one that loves me. He told me if anyone found out they would hate me, or pity me, but never love me again. Only he would. Only he would love a slut like me. It scares me, that darkness that devours my life, the emptiness that eats away at me, the fear of him. I'm not sure what to do anymore, how to act. I know one thing, I have to let my friends go. I'll only cause them pain, and sadness, and.. disgust. Disgust at me for being a slut and what I've done. I couldn't, can't live with that. It would be unbearable, even more so then the emptiness and darkness. Its almost time for breakfast. Bye.
~Lily~
By now Lily was holding the sobs that wanted to rack her body in, as the flood of tears rolled down her face and splashed onto the paper leaving smudges. Lily adverted her eyes upward to look toward the ceiling as swallowed hard to get the lump out of her throat as she wiped at her tears that she was trying to stop. She sniffed to stop her nose from running as she stuffed her diary in her bag and tossed it over her shoulder before walking out of the common room to go down to breakfast.
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James woke up and looked at his clock it read six forty in the morning. He groaned and tried to go back to sleep, but it only proved to him that he couldn't. He after all was one of those people that when they woke up they couldn't go back to sleep. He laid there for a second or too before going to get ready for the day. He might as well get ready now then later, then he would go to the common room wait for his fellow marauders to awake.
After he got out of the bathroom he quickly, but quietly got his things and walked out of the room he shared. As he was walking down the stairs but stopped when he suddenly heard a ragged and painful breath break through the thick silence. He carefully and quietly walked down the step s a little so he could see who had taken the breath, but without being seen. What he saw made him just a bit surprised and curious. Lily Evans, sitting on the couch writing something in what he supposed was her diary crying hard and trying to keep from sobbing. He watched as the tears slipped down her cheeks and splashed on the pages she was writing on. He wondered what could make her so sad that she was to cry. He wondered what she was writing, but too to one her friends knew, so he just watched her.
His eyes followed her back as she got up from the couch and walked out of the common room, most likely to breakfast considering they had been there for quite sometime. He only shook his head and got up from his spot on the stairs and walked out of the commons room, like Lily had seconds earlier.
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Lily walked down the last flight of stairs before reaching the Great Hall with her head titled downward. Just as she was about to reach the Great Hall entrance she ran in to someone, or either they ran into her. Lily stumbled back and fell to the ground, her book bag falling and spilling the contents over the floor.
"Sorry." Lily quickly, but quietly said, with her eyes still tilted downward.
"Watch where you're going next time mudblood!" She heard someone sneer.
Lily slowly lifted her head and her eyes met with those of Malfoy. "I'm s-sorry." Lily stuttered.
"You had better be. Now I must go and change into something clean." Malfoy sneered.
Lily looked at him and slowly started to get up when he pushed her back down roughly. "Stay there, it's where you belong mudb-"
"MALFOY!" Both Lily and Malfoy heard someone shout angrily from the stairwell.
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As James was descending the last flight of stairs he heard voices. A familiar voice also. Malfoy's voice. 'Evans came down this way.' James thought to himself and quickly descended the stairs to meet the sight of Malfoy standing over top of Lily and pushing her back to the ground.
His words traveled to James ears. "Stay there, it's where you belong mudb-"
James' anger boiled, how dare he think of muggleborns as below him. But then he reminded himself that he was after all a Slytherin. "MALFOY!" James shouted.
"Potter!" Malfoy sneered.
"Leave her alone." James said walking closer to Malfoy and Lily who was presently still on the ground, afraid to move.
"Protecting your little mudblood girlfriend I see. How.. disgusting." He spat and looked at Lily with distaste.
"She's not my girlfriend." James said. "But it's not like it any of your business so go get lost and while you're at it tell your greasy friend to wash his hair." James spat. "And don't call her that!" James roared.
"Watch your back Potter." Malfoy said before giving Lily another look of disgust and walking away to the great hall. James' eyes stayed on his back until he could no longer see him, them he turned his eyes to lily who was still on the ground picking up her books. James took a hesitantly step toward her and looked down.
"Are you ok?" James asked.
Lily only nodded her head without looking up at him. 'Of course I'm ok. I mean I live with an abusive father, why wouldn't I be ok, if Malfoy decoded to take a whack at making me crumble.' Lily thought and sniffed to keep the tears in.
James looked at her oddly for a moment and spotted something out of the corner of his eye, her diary. He bent down to pick it up and then handed it to Lily. "Here's you're um.. Diary." He said.
Lily took and it and put it with her other books and then got up and looked at the ground. "Thanks for the whole Malfoy thing." Lily said quietly. "But um I could've taken care of myself." Lily said.
"Didn't look it." James said without thinking.
"Who asked you anyhow." Lily asked looking at him with sad eyes.
James narrowed his eyes at her and she shifted under his gaze. "I gotta go, Potter. See ya later." She said and walked toward the great hall.
'Strange girl.' James thought as he too entered the Great Hall, and sat on the opposite end of the table from Lily.
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Sierra finished putting on her shoe and then her robe and sat down on her bed to wait for the other two girls to get ready. "I can't believe Lily didn't wait on us. Or wake us up." Sierra said a bit hurt by her friend's action, at not waiting on them.
"Maybe she wanted to give us more time to sleep." Jenna suggested.
"I dunno guys. Did you see the way she was acting? Something's defiantly wrong, with her, and it goes deeper then just her mom dying." Allison said glad that the too snobs had already left the room.
"How so?" Jenna asked, while Sierra just looked at Allison thoughtfully.
"Come on, you must have noticed how Lily is acting now. She has hardly no appetite, she isn't as talkative as she was before, and her eyes. Their lifeless, dead, empty." Allison said.
"Yeah, but wouldn't you be if your mom, who you were close to had just died?" Jenna asked as she finished applying her makeup.
"No, I think Allison has something. When my grandma died, we were really close, I mean really close, I didn't at that way. And have you ever noticed how Lily acts toward her dad? Its just weird." Sierra said. "But maybe Lily is just taking it really hard." Sierra said, trying to make herself believe it.
"I hope that's all it is." Allison said.
"Yeah me too." Sierra said, while Jenna only nodded.
"Well come on." Allison said pulling on her bag over her shoulder. "Lets go down to breakfast." Allison said leaving the room with the other two behind her.
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When they got to the great hall they spotted Lily sitting at the very end of the table, alone and looking very sad, while playing wit her food. The three girls exchanged glances and made their way over to Lily who didn't' even glance up at them when they sat down.
"Hey Lils." Allison said.
Lily looked at her, and kept her face expressionless except for a fake smile that she forced to her lips. "Hello Allison, Sierra, Jenna." She said and went back to playing with her food.
Again the three girls exchanged glances this time with a worried expression on their face. "Lily is something bothering you, because if something is then-" Sierra was cut off.
"Nothing's wrong. I just had a little run in with Malfoy is all." Lily explained so they would get off her back.
"What'd the b#sterd do this time?" Allison asked before anyone else could.
"Nothing really." Lily answered softly about the time their schedules were passed out.
"Hey what do you have?" Allison asked her friends.
"We have potions with the Slytherins first." Sierra said with distaste.
"Look at the bright side, at least we get to see Candy." Jenna said.
"Yeah, your right." Sierra agreed. "But why can't we bleep the other Slytherins out?" She whined.
Jenna and Allison chuckled at that.
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"D#mn, potions with the Slytherins first." Sirius cursed.
"I bet Professor Burns is going to be a bigger b#tch then he was last year." James said. (Sorry if that's not the name I put for the potions master in one of the later chapters, but I forgot his name and can't find the disk I put it on)
"Yeah, and with those slimy Slytherins." Sirius said.
"I bet Evans and her little group will just love this, they get to see their dear friend." Peter said looking at Lily with distaste.
"Why do you always have to be mean to her?" Remus asked.
"Because she's a, a-"
"A what?" Remus asked.
"Never mind. I don't see why you always stick up for her though." Peter mumbled.
"Because she's not here to defend herself." Remus answered.
"Ah, group bonding, loving isn't it?" Sirius asked as he faked crying.
"Yes our little boy' s growing up." James said.
"You two need help." Remus said.
"AH you know you love us." Sirius said.
"Yeah that's what scares me." Remus joked.
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By lunch most of the student already had a pile of homework piled on top of them. Allison and Sierra was complaining about it, quit loudly and getting some attention, while Lily and Jenna just ate their lunch.
"I can't believe our teachers! They are so mean! Its our first day back for Christ Sakes!" Allison said.
"I know!" Sierra said. "They could have at least waited until tomorrow, or like never!" She said. "Now I'll be up all night!"
"What a coincidence, so will we." Said Sirius Black sitting down beside of her. At the sound of his voice Jenna looked up and narrowed her eyes.
"Will you go away." Jenna said. Out of all of them Jenna hated Sirius Black the most.
"I'm hurt Blankenship, I thought you loved me." He said putting a hand over his heart.
"Good. Now piss off." She said.
"Now that's not nice." James Potter said sitting down beside of Allison.
"What makes you think I want you sitting beside of me?" Allison asked about the time her fork was just about to enter her mouth.
James just looked at her before piling his plat full of food. "Fine." Allison huffed playfully and stuffed her fork in her mouth.
Lily cast her eyes from one face to another and quickly left the table and Great Hall. "What's wrong with her?" Sirius asked.
Sierra sighed and shrugged before getting up and running after Lily. "LILY! LILY WAIT!" Sierra called running to catch up with Lily. When Sierra had caught up with her she grabbed her elbow and turned her around to face her.
Lily looked at her with slight irritation. "What?" Lily asked taking a deep breath inward.
"Lily what's the matter, why'd you run off like that?" Sierra asked, not missing the irritation that Lily held.
"Nothing's the matter, I was just going to the library to get started on my homework seeing that we have a break." Lily stated a bit.. cold.
Sierra looked at her oddly. "Lily what's wrong? And don't even say nothing, because I know something's wrong. Lily you can tell me." Sierra said her hand never leaving her elbow.
"Nothing's wrong Sierra." Lily said. "I just want to get some of my homework finished." Lily said quietly.
Sierra sighed, one thing Sierra knew, when Lily didn't want to talk about something, don't push her, or else. 'Stubborn girl'. Sierra thought to herself before nodding and walking away from Lily. Lily looked after Sierra painfully. She hated what she was slowly starting do, she knew it would cause her and them pain, but if they found out then.. No she couldn't do that to them. Lily sighed and started once again toward the Library.
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When Sierra resumed her seat in the great hall her friends threw her glances, but said nothing. The marauders looked at her, Remus with concern, the others were just plan curious as to why one of their 'enemies' left.
"How's Lily?" Remus asked.
"How the h#ll should I know? She friggin wouldn't talk, keeps denying nothings wrong." Sierra said deeply worried about her best friend along with her other friends. Remus looked at her sadly and squeezed her hand, a second to long.
"Sierra and Remus sitting in a tree k-I-s-s-I-n-g first comes love then comes marriage then come-" Sirius sang.
"Black, now it not the time to be a pig and mess with me." Sierra said dangerously, before storming off.
"Sorry about that." Allison apologized to Remus before dragging Jenna out of the great hall after Sierra.
"Wonder what's up with them." Sirius said dumbly.
James and Remus rolled their eyes. "Weren't you listening? Something's wrong with Evans and she's not telling them." James explained.
"Oh." Sirius said. "So why won't she tell?" Sirius asked and James slapped his head with his hand.
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Lily walked into her Divination class that was taught by the new professor, professor Trelawney, and took a set beside the window. She didn't know why she was taking this class, she found it a loud of bull crap anyhow, but none of her other friends were taking it so she might as well give it a go, let her have her time to adjust to being alone. She sighed and looked toward one of the raven claw student's she had this class with. They were smiling and laughing with their friends, without a care in the world, minus the fact of a new evil rising. She sighed and leaned back against her chair and waited for class to be over with so she could go to dinner and then bed.
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Lily sat on her bed finishing up the last of her homework in her pj's. Her friends where still down at dinner talking about something Lily knew nothing about. She had started. She had started detaching herself from her friends, they didn't need her after all, and she had seen them earlier with the marauders, joking with them. There supposed rivals, joking with each other. Lily shook her head as she finished and took out her diary.
'Diary,
Today, it's started. I've started to detach myself away from my happy friends. Happiness. What is happiness actually. Is it just a smile? Does it actually exist? Of course it does, it must because everybody is living in it, everybody but me that is. I'm stuck in the vortex of sadness and emptiness forever it seems. A vortex of darkness, to never see the light again, to never witness love, to never feel complete and warm. Sad and pathetic isn't it? That's why I'm leaving my friends, so they won't experience this vortex I'm in. So they'll be happy. Maybe even become friends with our rivals, the marauders. That would be a sight, especially for Jenna she hates Sirius. Doesn't matter though, I won't be around to see it. I'll be in the shadows of shadows, drowning in the emptiness of my soul for all eternity. I must be off, I hear people.
~Lily~
With that Lily closed her Diary and stuck it in her trunk where it be safe about the time Emily walked in with Susan. Both girls eyed Lily while Emily smirked and flopped down on her bed crossing her legs and leaning back with her elbows holding her up.
"Well, well, well if it isn't the mudblood Evans." Emily said.
Lily glanced at her before getting out her book by Robert Jordan. "What to good to answer us?" Emily asked liking her red lips. "Because you know your not. You're just a little no body who friends feel sorry for. Truth be told the don't even like you two to one." Emily said, and smiled as she saw tears well up in Lily's eyes. "I'm hurting the mudblood's feelings? Well you know what they saw." She said examining her nails.
"And what's that?" Lily asked.
"That the truth hurts like a b#tch." Emily said. "I mean Sierra could have been so popular if it wasn't for you. That girl's rich, has a great sense of fashion and yet you go and cloud her mind so she becomes a little freak like you. Sad really, she had a lot of potential too." Emily said.
The words sliced through Lily like a knife she let a tear slid down her cheek. If that was true then Lily had to separate herself from them. "And what about Allison, Jenna, or Candy?" Lily asked a bit angry.
"Oh them." Emily said. "They could have potential if they really tried. I mean really tried. Of course Gold and Blankenship, we don't really get along, but who knows." Emily said.
"They hate you though, because of the way you act." Lily whispered.
Emily laughed a hallow laugh, "No hun. They hate me because they know they'll never measure up to me. Sora like you, except your lower. Like dirt beneath my feet, but even more dirtier, and more disgusting. You're a toad, an insect that deserves to be smashed." Emily taunted. "You're almost a waste of space." Emily said.
Lily's eyes clouded with tears, she was used to this from her father, but it still hurt her. No matter who said the words, or how many times it was spoken to her. "Almost?" Lily asked.
"Yeah, you still do have your purposes." Emily said. "After all you give us a nice little laugh." Emily said coldly, right before four smiling faces opened the door laughing and smiling. "Well, well, well if it isn't the dork squad." Emily said getting up from her bed and standing in front of girls.
"If it isn't the fat cow that needs to move her a#s out of the door way." Allison said.
Emily glared at her and stomped past her, deliberately smacking Allison's shoulder on the way. Susan followed close behind and glared at the girls. "Yeah go follow your master!" Sierra called after Susan.
"That b#tch! I hate her." Candy said as she sat down on Jenna's bed. None of them noticing that Lily and pulled the curtains around her and was pretending to be asleep.
"Yeah Me too Candy." Jenna said sitting down on Allison's bed.
"Me three." Sierra supplied as she sat on her own bed.
"Me fourth!" Allison called out of the bathroom.
The girl's rolled their eyes at her and giggled slightly. "So what's wrong with Lily?" Candy dared to ask.
"I don't know. She refuses to talk." Sierra said simply. "Anyhow enough of that." Sierra said as the girl's started a conversation that lasted until Candy had to return to her own common room.
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At last it was time for Quidditch tryouts, and Jenna and Allison was both very excited. The four girls (Candy, Allison, Jenna, and Sierra) had not noticed how much their other friend was slowly starting to hang out with them less and less. They had also stopped asking what was wrong, since Lily would always reply nothing. At that moment though the five girls sat in the Gryffindor third year dorm getting ready to watch the Quidditch tryouts, well four as at least.
"I'm so excited." Allison said practically jumping off the walls.
"Me too." Squealed Jenna.
"I hope you guys make it on the team." Candy said.
"Yeah that way we'll be able to hear about you guys instead of Potter." Sierra said.
"I think someone has a crush." Allison said.
"On Potter, now!" Sierra said seriously.
"Who then?" Candy asked.
"Is it Remus?" Allison asked.
Sierra's cheeks immediately started to flush a deep red and the three girls burst out into hysterical. "You like REMUS!" Jenna exclaimed.
Sierra looked downwards. "Shut up." She mumbled.
"Oh come on he's a lot better the other marauders." Jenna said. "Like Black for instance." She said.
"Do you like Sirius?" Allison asked a gleam in her eye.
"I would rather rot first." Jenna said.
"Sure." Allison, Sierra, and Candy all said.
"Well come on." Allison said grabbing her broom and walking out of the door with the other three behind her when Sierra stopped.
"Lils, aren't you coming?" She asked her best friend who was doing homework.
"No." Lily answered shortly without even looking up.
"But Lily, we wanted you to be there with us." Allison said.
"I'm sorry I just don't feel like it right now." Lily said. 'Or ever.' She thought in her mind.
Allison and Jenna sighed. "Fine, whatever Lily. See ya when we get back." Allison said, a bit disappointed and hurt by her friend's actions. "Come on guys." She said and left the room with Candy and Jenna, but Sierra stayed where she was and stared at Lily intently.
"Lily.." Sierra said.
"Sierra you better go." She said without looking up.
"Fine." Sierra said and left the room not understanding her friend anymore.
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When Sierra had made it too the Quidditch field Jenna and Sierra was already up in the air showing what the had, and Candy was in the stands cheering them on much to Gryffindor's displeasure. Sierra made her way up to where Candy was sitting and glanced at her.
"Where were you?" Candy asked never taking her eyes off her two friends.
"Trying to talk to Lily, but she was busy." Sierra said and shrugged. "We need to talk about her Candy. With the others." She said. Candy looked at her and only nodded.
"But after tryouts." Candy said and smiled.
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After tryouts the four girls walked in Hogwarts together talking softly among themselves, about a certain red head. "She keeps f#cking blowing us off!" Sierra said.
"Just a little." Jenna said.
"Yeah, just a little." Allison replied sarcastically.
"Guys, maybe she really is just busy." Candy said.
"Dude we have just as much homework as she does, and we still have time to hang with friends." Sierra said.
"Look tomorrows a Hogmeds (sp) trip, well get her to come then and then we'll talk to her." Jenna said. "Agreed?" Jenna asked.
"Agreed." The girls replied in unison.
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The next day Allison, Candy, Jenna, and Sierra approached Lily in the hallway and glanced at each other. Lily looked at them and raised an eyebrow, wanting to know what they were up to. "What is it?" She asked.
"um.. Lily want to come to Hogmeds, with us today?" Candy asked.
Lily cast her eyes downward and bit her lip. She wanted to go, and the answer was at the tip of her. "No, I can't." Lily answered.
"Why the h#ll not?" Sierra said.
"Because I just don't want to." Lily replied.
"Come ils, give us a better reason then that." Allison said.
"I don't have to! If your not happy with my answer then f#ck the h#ll off!" Lily said her temper flaring.
"Fine if you want to be like that then we will!" Sierra said and stormed away from her with Allison as her side. Jenna and Candy both looked at Lily with hurt eyes.
"Lily, please just-"
"No Jenna. I said I didn't ant to come, now f#ck off!" Lily said. 'It might as well be now or never to break away form them. It's only going to hurt more later.' Lily said willing herself not to cry.
"Fine!" Jenna said and also stormed away. Now there was only Candy and Lily.
"You want to take a try too?" Lily asked willing herself not to crumble and keep up with her bad act.
"Lily I-" Candy stopped. "I gotta go." She said and ran after the other girls who were long gone by now. When they were gone, Lily couldn't take it anymore, she crumbled. Her walls crumbled. She fell in a heap on the stairs and cried her eyes out for her friends. She never noticed the young man standing behind her listening watching everything that had happened. She never noticed James Potter a little ways behind her.
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Okay thanks to everyone who has reviewed I love you guys ssssssooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!
Manny2003- Thanks for the idea! I was thinking about it but I wasn't sure!!!!!! And I hope this was fast enough for ya.
snowflakey- Hey. Hope ya like the chapter. And Yes I LOVE the Wheel of Time series! You should read them they're cool, gets a little boring here and there, but its cool! Check it out lol!!!!! And I hope this chapter was long enough!
AND For EVERYONE ELSE WHO REVIEWED AND I DIDN'T MENTION I LOVE YOU GUYS A BUNCH!!!!!! YOUR ALL NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANX BYE!!!!!!!!!!!! And THE MORE REVIEWS I GET THE FASTER I UPDATE!!!!!! SP PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!
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