Chapter XIV

From This Dark Place

(5 Years Later) Year 15 After Midgar

The snow pounded on my face as I climbed the mountain, closely hugging the cold rocky wall. When I got up to yet another ledge I took a moment to warm myself up by running in place and rubbing my arms really fast.

After my failure at attempted suicide in Wutai, I spent the following years trying to figure out why I didn't die. After waking up from that, I took the pitcher containing what was left of the poison and filled a few test tubes with it. I'd kept them with me since then in case I needed to use it as a weapon.

Hikorai stopped talking to me after that, not that I blamed her after all that'd happened. Even as I was climbing the mountain, she still wasn't talking to me. I knew she was still there and perfectly fine, but she just didn't want to talk to me.

My curiosity led me on the road to the Icicle Inn, a small town on the Northern Continent. It was right in the middle of a mountain range, which covered most of the northwestern region of the continent.

"Brrrr!" I shivered. "Even with cloak and fur, this place is freezing my ass off."

I continued warming myself until I noticed a cave behind me. I then walked over and into the mouth. Immediately, I noticed that there was a warm breeze coming from inside.

"Hmm," I said as I enjoyed the warmth, "Maybe this'll be a shortcut through the mountain."

I then walked further into the cave. I noticed that the further in I went, the darker it got, which I didn't mind too much because I could see well enough in the dark. It didn't take long for me to lose sight of the entrance as I kept going further and further. After a few more steps I saw a small light ahead of me.

"Must be a short tunnel if I'm seeing light already," I thought.

As I got closer to the light however, I noticed that it didn't get bigger like it would if it were the end of a tunnel. As I got even closer, it was actually starting to look like the light of a lantern. It was pretty low down, close to the ground. So if anyone were holding it, they would've either been very short or had very long arms, and I was pretty sure the latter was unlikely. I stopped walking and watched the light carefully.

"Hello?" I called to the light, "Is anyone there?"

I got no verbal reply, but the light moved a little closer.

"Hey, do you know if this is the right way to Icicle Inn?" I asked.

Again I got no reply, only the light inching even closer.

"Can you talk?"

It inched closer.

"Are you even HEARING me?"

It inched even closer.

"Hey! Come on! I know there's someone there!"

It finally had inched to where I could see the figure with the light. It was just a few inches away from me. It was a small green creature wearing a brown cloak. It wasn't much taller than a moogle. It had an egg-shaped head with large almond-shaped yellow eyes. It had no nose or mouth that I could see. In its left hand it held the lantern, and its right hand was in the cloak pocket.

"A Tonberry?" I said, recognizing the creature in front of me. "I always heard they were scary monsters, but you just look like a science fiction reject."

I knelt down so I could talk to it face to face.

"Ok, now that you're here, maybe you can answer my questions."

It simply looked up at me as it quickly pulled a knife out of its right pocket and stabbed me in the chest with it. I didn't even have time to respond before I blacked out.

(Several Hours Later)

I woke up with a huge pain in my back. I realized that it was because I was sleeping on a bed made of solid rock. I rubbed my back and looked around a bit. It looked like I was in another part of the cave. There was furniture made mostly out of rock. There were wooden tools laying around on a rock table, as well as some plants and herbs.

I also noticed what looked like my shirt lying on the table. I then looked down at myself and saw that my clothes from the belt up were gone. In their place were some bandages that were tightly wrapped around my chest with a few leaves tucked underneath.

"Where am I?" I wondered out loud.

"Ah, she wakes," said a small and creepy voice from the shadows. Its voice sounded like the furious growl of a small animal.

Then I remembered how I got knocked unconscious. I sniffed a moment and picked up the same scent as when I was last awake.

"The Tonberry!" I turned around and saw the same Tonberry from before. It came walking up still holding its lantern and knife.

"Yes, Tonberry," It replied, "So you do have intelligence."

"What are you implying?"

"Most humans wandering into my cave are either lost or stupid, and you certainly did not look lost."

"I thought this cave could've been a shortcut to Icicle Inn."

"Very true, this is one route," he said as he walked over to the stone table and put his knife and lantern down on top of it. "But nonetheless, anyone who passes through this cave is intruder to my home, and so I must kill them."

"Well, why didn't you kill me?"

"I could not."

"What?"

He picked up his knife and showed it to me. It wasn't anything very fancy. It was quite a short dagger, and it had a very simple design. The blade was very wide, and it was only sharp on one side. It looked like a shortened butcher's knife.

"Tonberry's knife is coated with special magic poison, recipe of which is handed down through many generations of Tonberry. Poison kills victim almost instantly. I stabbed you with poisoned knife, but you did not die."

"Well, if the poison didn't work, then why didn't you just start stabbing for vital organs?"

"Two reasons. First, because poison is vital in strengthening my magic."

"How does it strengthen your magic?"

"We Tonberry see ourselves as Dark Shaman. We speak with dead. We help dead pass on. We help living become dead. Much of our magic depends on death, you see, whether it already dead or shall become dead."

"But wouldn't that have given you more reason to kill me?"

"Tonberry magic does not gain experience with brutal, physical stabbing. Magic in poison transfers experience from death caused by poison."

"So then what's the second reason you didn't kill me?"

"Second reason is fact that you did not die from poison. Art of Tonberry poison existed as long as Tonberry have existed, and in all that time..."

He paused and moved closer to me, narrowing his eyes.

"Poison has never failed to kill victim."

"I guess even magic Tonberry poison can't kill me," I sighed, "I don't understand why, but poisons can't kill me."

"Fact that you survived my poison greatly interests me," he continued, turning around and walking back to the table. "I took liberty of extracting sample of blood from your stab wound before bandaging it. I studied you while you slept."

"You did what?"

"I studied blood sample from your stab wound."

"...You studied me?"

"Yes," it answered, "And I am still in process of studying sample. You have problem with that?"

"I don't exactly appreciate being used as a science project."

"Quite apparent that you have been through much. I do not intend on harming you further," he assured me, "I simply wish to learn. I already have all samples I will need from you. Information from this study may prove helpful to you as well. So I will ask that you remain here until studies are finished."

"What do you mean the information may prove helpful to me?"

"I will explain more when I return," he said as he picked up his lantern, his knife, and a small bag. "I first need to go to other side of cave to collect more herbs to continue my studies. For now, I can only tell you that these studies may answer any questions you have regarding yourself."

"Well, what do I do in the meantime?"

"Remain here, and rest while your wounds heal," he answered and left.

I knew I wasn't going to get any more rest on the stone slab I was sitting on, so I got up and decided to look around and study my surroundings. It all looked pretty much the same; rocks, rocks, and more rocks. Beside the table I noticed there was a small bookshelf, and on it were lots of old books.

"Tonberries can read?" I wondered in thought as I walked over to the bookshelf.

I knelt down in front of the shelf and picked up one of the books. I turned it around and looked at the cover.

"'Loveless'," I read out loud with a chuckle. "He actually has 'Loveless'."

I put that book back and looked at the titles on the spines of the other books.

"'The Origins of Materia'," I read out loud, "'Moogles: Fact or Fiction?' Heh, I already know the answer to that one. 'Loveless'... 'Loveless'? He has 'Loveless'?"

"Yes, and I read it several times," said a creepy voice behind me.

I turned around and saw the Tonberry.

"That was quick," I said.

"Is small cave," he answered, "does not take long to collect ingredients I need. Please sit back down on bed."

"On the bed?"

"Yes, I need to examine your wound, make sure it heals properly."

I felt like I was at a doctor's office. I went over to the stone slab I slept on before and sat down on it.

The Tonberry walked over to the table and put his bag of herbs down on top of it. He opened the bag and sorted his herbs around the table. Then he set his bag aside and started working with his ingredients. I wasn't quite sure what he was doing, but I knew it had something to do with me. After a minute or so, he stepped back from the table and over to me. He carefully removed the bandages and looked at where my stab wound was. His eyes widened for a moment, and then he blinked a couple of times and looked up at me.

"Interesting," he said.

"What?" I asked, looking down at my scabbed-up stab wound.

"Wound is healed further than normal. Stab was deep, but wound is now almost completely closed. And all infected tissue was removed from body naturally. Your immune system is incredible. From what I have seen in studies so far, your body has ability to develop immunity to any poison so quickly, it is almost immediate."

"What do you mean by that?"

"If I stab you again with my knife right now, all you would get is stab wound. Poison would not affect you at all because you body has developed immunity to it."

"So you're saying that any poison I've taken beforehand won't affect me at all?"

"Precisely."

"What about alcohol? I drink a lot, and it affects me the same way every time."

"Perhaps your body does not count alcohol as a poison," he said, "Your immunity is magical in nature. Could have originated from other spirit that dwells inside you."

"Other spirit?" I replied, startled that he knew there was another spirit.

"Don't play stupid. I work with dead, remember? There is esper spirit inside you that should be among dead, but somehow is living inside you."

"How'd you know she was an esper?"

"I just told you I work with dead," he answered, slightly annoyed, "I think I would know esper spirit when I sense one."

"Oh," I replied, "Yeah. A crazy scientist took her magecite and fused her into my DNA."

"That explains strange union of human and esper, as well as why you are not comfortable with scientific study done on you."

"So you're saying that having her spirit might be the reason why I can't die from poisoning?"

"Is a possibility. Espers are powerful magical beings, resistant to many things. Esper inside you may have been resistant to poison, resistance which may have been transferred to you."

"Hmm."

"Curious. Do you have esper's magecite?"

"Uh, yes. Why? Can you put her back into it?"

"Well... Yes and no."

"What do you mean 'yes and no'?"

"Is a tricky process. Esper and all her powers are now part of your genetic code. Removing all of it now would be both disastrous and meaningless. If she is to return to magecite, she must be there completely, soul and magic power, if she is to truly rest in peace."

"Then what do you need the empty magecite for if you can't put her back in it?

"Well, with your permission, I could make magecite piece an extension of your body and transfer esper's soul into it. Esper would still be with her powers while it remains in your genetic code."

"Are you saying that if you go through with this, I'll end up as living, walking, breathing magecite?"

"Technically, yes."

"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I don't even know if that'll work."

"Would you rather have miserable esper in back of your mind for rest of your life?"

I thought about that for a moment. I then remembered that I did promise Hikorai that I'd help her get back to her resting place.

"No, I guess not."

"Good, we can begin when you and her are again in good terms."

"What?"

"Esper is angry with you for something. She feels insulted, betrayed."

"Betrayed?"

"What did you do to make her so angry?"

"I tried to poison myself five years ago. She hasn't spoken to me since."

"Espers, for most part, are honorable in nature. Suicide is gravest dishonor anyone could make unto oneself."

"Well, I guess that explains why she's pissed."

"Did you apologize?"

"No, because I didn't do anything wrong. I don't think she should still be so angry. What would she have lost if I died?"

"Her soul," he answered.

I blinked for a few moments.

"Esper's soul requires magecite in order to truly rest," he continued, "Without such, esper's soul ceases to exist."

It was at that moment that I finally realized what I did. By trying to kill myself, I'd broken my promise and nearly destroyed her soul.

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"Thoughts were probably in your protection at moment."

"Well, crap! It's been five years! How can I apologize to her now?"

"That is something for you to figure out yourself," he answered and turned around to walk away. "In meantime I can do nothing."

"Where are you going now?"

"To meditate," he said as he turned the corner and disappeared again.

I stared in that direction for a while longer before turning my gaze away.

"What do I do now?" I asked myself in thought.

I looked to another end of the cave dwelling and saw that it kept going. I got up off the stone bed and started walking to this new tunnel. There was a cold breeze coming through it, which told me it led outside. Even knowing how cold the outside was, I kept going. The tunnel went on for a long while before finally opening up, letting me out into the cold.

I wasn't sure exactly why I decided to go outside. It was just an urge I got. It was like something was calling to me, telling me to go outside and walk a bit. So I walked, and walked, and walked. I walked for what seemed like hours. I couldn't tell how long it was, but it felt like an eternity with the icy cold wind biting at all my extremities. The only thing I could feel from my head was my ears flapping around in the wind. From the waist up I wasn't wearing anything but bandages, so the cold was really stinging my chest area. The wind was blowing so hard that it was really hard to see where I was going. I stopped walking when I found a giant wall of ice in front of me.

I stared at this wall for a while and then approached it, reaching to it with my right hand. When I got close enough to touch it, I wiped away the layer of snow and frost that had collected on it, showing me my reflection.

"I didn't know," I said softly, barely audible in the wind. "I didn't know."

I stared at my own reflection for a long moment, the image that was mine, and yet at the same time wasn't. I didn't just see myself. I also saw Hikorai, and the feeling I got from this image was as cold as the wind I was enduring. I then realized just how stupid I was, how weak I was, how I had less than no consideration for Hikorai or the promise I made to her.

"I was supposed to help you return to rest, but instead I almost destroyed your soul. And on top of all that I had the gall to say that I didn't do anything wrong."

I clenched my right hand into a fist and then punched the wall where my reflection was. After that, I punched it again, and again, and again.

"How could you be so stupid!" I yelled at myself as I continued punching, "Not knowing isn't an excuse! You stupid, stupid, Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!"

When I exhausted myself from punching, there were several deep dents in the ice in front of me, my reflection no longer visible.

I fell to my knees, my right hand back on the ice wall.

"I'm sorry..." I sobbed, my tears freezing as they ran down my face. "I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know..."

I sat there for a while, staring down at the ground as more tears froze on my furry face.

"I don't blame you for not forgiving me, even now. Now that I know. I was so blind from everything that's happened that I didn't stop to really think what would've happened to you if I'd succeeded. I broke my promise in the worst way possible. I'm such an idiot. The only thing I've ever been good for is hurting people."

"That is not true," said a familiar voice in my head.

I jolted my head up, startled that she finally started speaking to me after five years. All of a sudden, the noise around me didn't seem so loud.

"How can you say that after what I almost did to you?"

"You are human," Hikorai answered. "In spite of our genetic union, you are still very much human, which allows for your emotions to get the better of you."

"You haven't spoken to me in so long. With all that's happened, how could you go trying to say that I'm not as terrible as I seem?"

"I was furious with you for what you did. You had forgotten about me. No, you did worse than forget. You ignored that I was even here, and you did not think about what would have happened to my soul if your suicide had succeeded. And after that, you went on as if nothing had happened."

"Which is exactly why it doesn't make sense that you're talking this way to me now."

"You have learned your mistake. It took you five years to achieve it, but you did. You are not a bad person, Moira. You have proven that numerous times. However, your attempted suicide gave me doubt about that, because my people were not as prone to such emotional and mental disorder. Though it has happened among my people, it was quite rare. Although in the case of your people, this sort of disorder seems much more frequent."

"It's not just a matter of me being emotionally disturbed. I was ignorant. I didn't care as long as my life ended, but now I see that was the worst thing I could've possibly done."

"And that is why I am able to forgive you."

I sat there thinking about that for a moment, and then all of a sudden it felt like someone had lifted a heavy weight off my chest. In the numbing cold, I could barely feel a smile forming on my face as more tears flowed down my face and froze on the way.

"Thank you," I sobbed. "I don't feel like I deserve it."

"I feel that you do. I know in my heart that your apology was genuine. And knowing your character as well as I do, I know that I can forgive you."

I stayed there crying for what seemed like forever, happy that I'd finally made amends.

"Are we ready to proceed?" asked a creepy voice from behind me.

I looked back and saw the Tonberry. I tried to wipe my tears away, but ended up rubbing a layer of ice.

"Almost," I answered. "Just give me a minute."

I then lifted myself back onto my feet. I looked down at the Tonberry, who just stared up at me.

"I take it your chat went well?"

"Yeah," I said, "It did."

"Well then, lets get back into warmth of cave."

I then followed him back into the cave and then back to his home in the cave.

"When you are ready," the Tonberry said as I sat down on the stone bed. "I will begin procedure."

"Okay," I nodded as I laid myself down.

"I will need magecite piece."

I pulled the magecite out of my pocket, and looked at it one more time before handing it over. This simple green stone with its small red design in the center, still dark from being empty of magic and esper for so long. I handed it to the tonberry.

"You may speak with esper one last time before I proceed."

"Thank you," I replied as I shut my eyes and fell back into the darkness of my mind.

"I suppose this is the last time I'll be in this darkness," I thought to myself.

"It is good to see you again," Hikorai greeted from behind me.

"Same here," I replied, looking up at her. I knew that after this I was never going to see her again, and that thought wasn't comforting.

"What is wrong?" Hikorai asked.

"I..." I hesitated, "I found a way for you to finally rest in peace."

"You have?" she replied with a puzzled look on her face, "How?"

"I met someone who works with the dead, and he said he could put you back in your magecite."

"And my powers? Everything that makes me what I am is part of your genetic code. How does this person plan to achieve this?"

"By making the magecite part of my body. That way, he can put your soul into the magecite. You'd still be connected to your powers without screwing with my DNA."

"By doing… what? Are you certain you want to do this?"

"I've never been more certain of anything in my life. I need to make it up to you for what I did, and this is the only way I can do it."

"So this... This is our final meeting like this."

"Yes," I lowered my head as tears welled up in my eyes again, except this time they were flowing and not freezing.

"Is there anything about me you wish to know? Anything at all? Even after all our years together, you know very little about me."

"Well, there's really only one thing that I'm curious about."

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure if you'd be comfortable answering this, but… How did you die?"

She fell silent for a moment, tilting her head down, as if thinking about how she was going to word it.

"It was several thousand years ago. The world was much different then. Back then magic flowed freely throughout the world. Human and esper alike were able to use magic at will without the aid of an item. Though the humans chose to use their magic to power their technology. The primary sources of all this magic were the three Goddesses that watched over the world. Eventually the humans grew hungry for more power, leading them to wage war on the Goddesses, demanding that they give the humans more magical power. To defend themselves, the Goddesses sought out humans who still supported them and transformed them into powerful magical beings to be their soldiers in this war, which was dubbed The War of the Magi."

"Is that how Espers came to be?"

"Yes. I was once a human. Hundreds of such individuals were chosen. Unfortunately, our memory of that existence was erased. I know nothing of what my life was like before I became an Esper. I only know that I was among many who were chosen to serve under the Goddesses until the war was over. By the end, both sides have lost many. The war was beginning to take its toll on the planet. Seeing such terrible destruction, the Goddesses attempted to stop the war by turning themselves into stone statues, as to limit the flow of magic. The humans then lost their ability to use magic, and since much of their machinery was powered with magic, much of their technology became useless.

'Pulling together what technology they had left, they then attacked us upon discovering that we Espers still had our magical powers. The Goddesses then created a world separate from this one, opened the door, and told the Espers to go through it to this other world. In doing so, they released us from our obligation to serve them, leaving us to begin our lives anew. We were still under attack when most of our people walked through the door. A small handful of us remained behind to ensure that the rest made it safely to the other side. I was one of those few.

'We fought until everyone was safely across. Although the humans remaining machinery was not magical, it was damaging enough to gravely injure the few of us that fought. When we were finally able, we crossed the door. It slammed behind us, separating us from the humans. Though we fulfilled the Goddesses wishes to escape to the world they created for us, we were injured beyond repair. Though the others tried their best to help, they were not fast enough to save everyone. I was one of the few they could not save. I remember watching the others that died. Upon dying, they transformed into what is now known as magecite, and somehow I knew that the same fate was about to befall me. The world went dark, and soon after I was bathed in a heavenly blue light, filled with the sensation of being carried away in a river, and then having that river surround me and lull me to sleep. And thus I died, one of the final casualties of the War of the Magi."

"Wow," I said, "No wonder the Espers were such an honorable race. They were created from honorable people."

"Yes."

"Do you think maybe this 'blue light river' is actually the Lifestream?"

"Perhaps. I believe the lab records briefly mentioned that my magecite was found in one of the reactors that magically powered the city."

"The mako reactors were connected directly to the Lifestream. That's where mako comes from. Maybe your magecite somehow ended up in the Lifestream and was carried around in it for all these centuries until you wound up in a mako reactor."

"That could very well be the case."

"And then the next thing you see is the inside of the lab tank that Hojo kept me in."

"And the rest--" she started.

"--Is history." I finished.

We then stared at each other for what seemed like forever. I didn't want to say goodbye yet. After all, she had only just started speaking to me after five years.

"I do not know what to say."

"What does one say when one of their best friends is about to leave forever?"

"Say that we will meet again. If you should ever transform again, it would be similar to if I were summoned from my magecite piece. Perhaps we can meet again in that way."

"Yeah," I sobbed, "We will meet again."

"In this case, I know that I can finally rest in peace."

As if on cue, a bright golden white light shined down on Hikorai. Her fur started to sparkle in the golden light. She looked up, basking in the light and slowly began to fade.

"It is warm," she commented, "It feels welcoming. It beckons me to come home."

"Wait!"

"It was fifteen years ago when we were brought together. Fifteen short years ago. It is strange. For all this time, we thought that arriving at this moment would be impossible, but now here we are."

"I'm so glad we were able to make this happen. That I was able to fulfill my promise after all, especially after screwing up so bad."

"This is a priceless gift, Moira. And for that I am eternally grateful."

At this point she had faded most of the way.

"Till we meet again then?" I asked.

She looked down and smiled at me.

"Till we meet again," she replied and then faded away completely.

"Good-bye," I sobbed, knowing that she wasn't going to hear me.

A second later, the darkness around me suddenly became a bright white. I quickly covered my eyes as to not get blinded, but the white only became brighter and brighter. And just when it almost got to bright to bear, I jolted up on the stone slab I was lying on. I was again in the Tonberry's cave.

"It is done," he said, "Esper is now at rest."

I then noticed that I felt something different. I felt around my chest and found something smooth embedded into the center of my lower chest, wedged in the arch of my ribs. I looked down at it, and noticed that it was glowing bright green.

"Esper's magic flows through magecite as it also flows through your body," the Tonberry explained, "Glow of magecite means that procedure was successful. Esper's soul is inside and safe."

"And my conscience is clean," I added. "This is one decision I'm never going to regret."

"Since esper is now at rest, this leaves you in control of esper's powers."

"Her powers?"

"Yes. I sense that she was esper of fire, ice, and lightning. These are magics you can use at any time. Just as some humans use items called materia to use magic, with exception that you do not need such items."

"Fire, ice and lightning," I repeated. "I don't know if I'll ever use it. I never had any use for magic, even when I had materia. But that's a good thing to know at any rate."

"Well, now that all is done, you can leave my cave."

"Sure, okay," I chuckled as I got up off the bed.

"You will need this back," he added as he tossed me my shirt.

"Thanks," I said and put it on.

I then followed him to the exit of the cave leading in the direction of Icicle Inn.

"Before I go, I have a question," I said.

"Ask."

"If you would've just put Hikorai and all her power into her magecite, it would've killed me, right?"

"Correct."

"Then why didn't you go with that? You would've used your magic to help the dead move on and to make the living into the dead, killing two birds with one stone, so to speak."

"Most other tonberry would jump at opportunity to kill you. I, on other hand, felt sorry for you, and felt obligated to help. I only spare intruders that are lost or severely wounded."

"But I was neither of those when we met and you tried to kill me."

"Yes, but since you did not die, you became severely wounded."

"Your logic is weird."

"Is true. That is how I live."

"So are you going to try to kill me if I ever come back?"

"Depends entirely on how soon you return. I will dedicate life to developing new poison that can bypass esper's immunities."

"Well, I'll be sure to never come back here again, then."

"Wise choice on your part. However, would disappoint me if I never have chance to test new poison. Imagine how much my power would grow if I succeeded killing you, with so much esper magic inside you."

"It would probably grow a lot," I said with a chuckle, "Well, I think I should start going before the winds pick up again."

"Have safe journey."

"I will, and thanks for everything. I mean it. It really means a lot to me, and to Hikorai."

"Only did what I thought was right. Farewell."

"Good-bye."

I then turned away and marched off into the cold windy outdoors. This time the cold didn't seem as terrible. As I walked on, I looked down at my chest and touched the spot where I knew the magecite was. It felt like a hard lump in the middle of my lower chest.

"You and I really are one and the same now," I thought. "I promise I won't let anything happen to us from now on. And this time, it's a promise I'm going to keep."