Title: HBP According to Rita Skeeter
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Chapter 6
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Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes:
"Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who?
You should be worrying about U-No-Poo
The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!"
We will return to our regularly scheduled articles tomorrow. Thank you for your patience, and by Merlin, go grab some U-No-Poo.
Draco Malfoy was sighted in a seedy part of Knockturn Alley, in the infamous Borgin's shop. But this is probably not as important as U-No-Poo.
Chapters 7-25
Hogwarts Teenagers Infested with the Hormonal Disease
– a worse epidemic than the anticipated Dementor outbreak
(page A-1)
(Hogwarts, Scotland) Between September and the forced closure of the school in June (due to the death of a Very Important Character), there was much snogging.
No students could be pried from their significant others for comments.
(page A-2)
Cast your vote for Hogwarts' most promising OTP!
♦ Harry Potter and the entire female population of Hogwarts
♦ Harry Potter and the entire male population of Hogwarts
♦ Harry Potter and the entire population of Death Eaters ("Going to get a few Death Eater pals to do us in, are you?")
♦ Harry Potter and Romilda Vane
♦ Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood
♦ Harry Potter and now-ex-girlfriend Ginny Weasley
♦ Harry Potter and ex-girlfriend Cho Chang
♦ Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley ("The battle still raged inside his head: Ginny or Ron?")
♦ Harry Potter and Professor Severus Snape ("There's no need to call me sir, Professor.")
♦ Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
♦ Harry Potter and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore (The Daily Prophet confirms that quite a few "private lessons" took place this year.)
♦ Ronald "Won-Won" Weasley and Lavender "Lav-Lav" Brown
♦ Ronald Weasley and Romilda Vane
♦ Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger
♦ Ronald Weasley and the Giant Squid
♦ Hermione Granger and Cormac McLaggen
♦ Hermione Granger and long-distance pen pal Viktor Krum
♦ Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girl #1
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girl #2
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girls #1 and #2
♦ Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter ("Harry Potter… was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy.")
♦ Draco Malfoy and Moaning Myrtle
♦ Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood ("Harry saw Neville being helped into a seat by Luna.")
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Harry Potter
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Hermione Granger
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Ginny Weasley
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Marcus Belby
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Cormac McLaggen
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Romilda Vane
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Blaise Zabini
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and any student
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Professor Severus Snape ("Snape was trapped, with Slughorn's arm around his shoulders…" "'Snape!' ejaculated Slughorn.")
♦ Drunk!Professor Horace Slughorn and drunk!Hagrid
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and any professor
Please send your votes via owl post to The Daily Prophet within three days.
Correction: it appears that teenagers are not the only ones infested with Hogwarts' love disease. Headmaster Dumbledore, being frequently absent from the school this year, could not be reached for comment on the permissibility of staff-student relationships (specifically, Slughorn-student relationships), should they happen.
(pages Z 1-17 of The Daily Prophet, or, the last section, i.e., Not Important)
Things sort-of-worth-noticing during the 10-month love endemic:
♦ Hogwarts Headmaster suspiciously absent from school most of the year
♦ Boy-Who-Lived too poor to purchase schoolbooks? Harry Potter given second-hand Advanced Potions text.
♦ Cursed necklace nearly kills Hogwarts student Katie Bell – assassination attempt?
♦ Slughorn to poison student? Harry Potter saves best mate
♦ Harry Potter cast Dark Magic on fellow classmate, claimed Professor Severus Snape
♦ Giant spider dies at old age, three present at funeral
♦ Gryffindor won Hogwarts Quidditch Cup
♦ Mental condition of Draco Malfoy unstable, a snubbed Pansy Parkinson claimed in the wake of spotting Malfoy going out with two big-boned female students
♦ Horcruxes – what are they? An exclusive look into a soul-splitting theory
♦ Madam Rosmerta of The Three Broomsticks behaving strangely, causes unknown
To be continued...