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Title: HBP According to Rita Skeeter
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Chapter 26
(A cave, somewhere) Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was spotted with Harry Potter on a mountain getaway, a reliable source reported.

Reason for the escapade is unknown. But The Daily Prophet speculates that the intimate friendship developed between Harry and the Headmaster over the school year had readied them for The Next Step. Interviews with several Inferi confirmed that inside the cave was a locket of priceless value, kept there for over half a century.

Is the locket the Headmaster's trinket, a prized gift reserved for that Special Someone?

The exact events that took place inside the cave were unclear. Water being an excellent sound conduit, however, what took place in secret was audible to the outside world. The Headmaster could be heard speaking with slurred speech (a sign of intoxication?), making a declaration of undying love to his young travelling companion: "I am not worried Harry, I am with you."

Could it be that a celebration at Hogwarts is underway?

Chapters 27-28
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, b. 1840, died yesterday night while defending the Hogwarts castle from a Death Eater attack. The Killing Curse that ended the Headmaster's 157 adventure-filled years was cast by former Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Severus Snape, now a confirmed Death Eater still loyal to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Perhaps the person who suffered most from the shocking turn of events is Harry Potter, who over the past year has had a growing rapport with the endearing Headmaster. "I am Dumbledore's man through and through," Harry was heard to have admitted proudly.

Harry was visibly seeking death so he could embark on the Greatest Journey with his departed companion. "Kill me then," panted Harry to Snape, who felt no fear at all, but only rage and contempt. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward!"

Snape was scared off by Harry's brave disregard for his life, leaving the site with a fierce denial: "DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" Harry Potter survived the Hogwarts battle unharmed.

Will Harry Potter hold up under yet another loss of a loved one? Only time can tell.

Chapters 29-30
(Hogwarts, Scotland) Hogwarts staff and students, as well as Ministry personnel, lay to rest the great Albus Dumbledore at an invitation-only funeral yesterday. Those present included Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour, former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, Junior Undersecretary to the Minister Percy Weasley, Ministry representative Dolores Umbridge, and Harry Potter.

"He will only be gone from the school when none here are loyal to him," said Harry of Dumbledore, smiling in spite of himself.

The ceremony was solemn, the only excitement was the interruption of a phoenix shaped wisp of smoke rising from the white tomb and departing skyward.

"Dumbledore was a man who possessed unsurpassed nobility of spirit, unparalleled intellectual contribution, and an infinite amount of compassion that could only come from his greatness of heart," said the eulogist, a short man with knotted hair in black robes.

As for Harry Potter, what will he do next?

Harry declined an offer for an exclusive interview, but was overheard promising to pay one last visit to his relatives in Little Whinging, Surrey. "But it'll be a short visit, and then I'll be gone for good," he said.

Gone for good, to where? It appears that Hogwarts will not be missing one, but two, wizards for the upcoming academic year.

The Hogwarts Board of Governors will meet next week to discuss the school's future. Should Hogwarts remain open, current Transfiguration professor Minerva McGonagall will succeed Albus Dumbledore as Headmistress.

In response to this year's main debacle, the Hogwarts infestation of the love disease, Dumbledore has the last word: "I would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world."

In honor of the Headmaster, the winner of the Daily Prophet OTP voting will be announced in next Monday's issue.

Rest in peace, Headmaster Dumbledore!

From The Daily Prophet.

— Rita Skeeter

The end