HBP According to Rita Skeeter
Epilogue
SHORTENED VERSION OF HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE
(because too many words. AM I RIGHT?)
CHAPTER ONE: THE OTHER MINISTER
Prime Minister (muggle) chats with Fudge-Fudge and Scrim-Scrim. PM is confused. His painting talks.
CHAPTER TWO: SPINNER'S END
Ciss-Ciss is mean. Bell-Bell chases after her. Ciss-Ciss holds Snape-Snape's hands tightly. Snape-Snape makes some vow with her. A wedding vow. LOL, JK. Idk, read the damn book.
CHAPTER THREE: WILL AND WON'T
Har-Har is apparently a snorer. He and Dumbledore pursue a flighty temptress.
CHAPTER FOUR: HORACE SLUGHORN
But then they visit a fat man.
CHAPTER FIVE: AN EXCESS OF PHLEGM
"Well, we're N.E.W.T. students now!" grinned Ron. "Mum, are there any more sausages?" That's basically it.
CHAPTER SIX: DRACO'S DETOUR
Drac-Drac realizes that bossing grown men around is fun. He shows said grown man something that makes grown man very frightened. His adolescent penis, possibly.
CHAPTER SEVEN: THE SLUG CLUB
"Maybe he's broken his Hand of Glory," said Ron vaguely, as he attempted to straighten his broomstick's bent tail twigs. Har-Har's obsession with Drac-Drac commences.
CHAPTER EIGHT: VICTORIOUS SNAPE
Snape-Snape is victorious. Drac-Drac is also victorious, because he broke Har-Har's nose. Har-Har can't stop talking about him.
CHAPTER NINE: THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
Hermione is stern to a fourth year with Fanged Frisbees! Oh yea, and Harry acquires a potions book belonging to a so-called Half Blood Prince. It's probably not important.
CHAPTER TEN: THE HOUSE OF GAUNT
There's a house of gaunt people. Actually, they're more psychotic than anything else, but this is not really their fault. They should really stop marrying their cousins, though.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: HERMIONE'S HELPING HAND
Hermione's hand...helps Won-Won. Not as dirty as it sounds.
Is here, when Her-Her becomes a marysue.
CHAPTER TWELVE: SILVER AND OPALS
Harry finds a new hobby: dangling people upside down by their ankles. That boy knows how to have fun!
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE SECRET RIDDLE
Harry feels bad because Voldemort didn't have a mama.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: FELIX FELICIS
Placebo. (Both Won-Won and Herm-Herm get punk'd)!
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE UNBREAKABLE VOW
Won-Won is a free agent, damn it. Herm-Herm knows an awful lot about love potions. Harry does not like gillywater!
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: A VERY FROSTY CHRISTMAS
Harry threatens to stick a sprout somewhere in Ron's body. We finally find out what we've all been wondering--apparently, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow. What a plot twist. Also: Lupin and Harry have a little heart-to-heart, and Harry really likes Dumbledore.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: A SLUGGISH MEMORY
Harry likes a quiet life. We are reminded once more that Voldemort used to be quite sexy.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: BIRTHDAY SURPRISES
Won-Won loves Wom-Wom (Romilda, you meatheads). For this, he is poisoned. Hopefully, he will learn his lesson.
CHAPTER NINETEEN: ELF TAILS
Fred and George are rather disappointed that their little brother is unconscious. Understandable! Dobby is as overzealous as ever. Kreacher likes Malfoy, too; Harry is no longer alone in his adulation of the sensitive blond.
CHAPTER TWENTY: LORD VOLDEMORT'S REQUEST
Voldemort wants to teach at Hogwarts. Dumbledore says 'no' because he is no longer pretty. V. sad.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE UNKNOWABLE ROOM
Won-Won is not an ace speller. One might guess that his joke about the hag, the Healer and the Mimbulus mimbletonia is not very funny, either. Disappointing.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: AFTER THE BURIAL
Aragog kicks the bucket. Harry gets lucky. Again, not as dirty as it sounds.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: HORCRUXES
Harry and Dumbledore chill and talk about splitting souls.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: SECTUMSEMPRA
Harry is a real jerk. Myrtle has two boys to choose ('moaning' takes other significate!)
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: THE SEER OVERHEARD
I can't believe this! Due to Won-Won's snow, everyone looks like they have terrible dandruff!
Harry and Ginny,'discuss the match'. Whatever. (Harrydemostrates that he'sa MACHO)
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: THE CAVE
Dumbledore drinks a shitload. His bladder is astounding.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: THE LIGHTNING-STRUCK TOWER
Malfoy is very smug, but still no murderer. Dumbledore immobilizes Harry so that he does not jump his bones. (Really). A werewolf offers to eat Dumbledore. Someone forbids the idea, but Dumbledore dies anyway. Tough luck!
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: FLIGHT OF THE PRINCE
People fight or something. Harry keeps saying "Cruc--". Snape is the Half Blood Prince. Harry and his friends are too stupid to know who R.A.B. is. And oh yea, Hagrid lives, suckers.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: THE PHEONIX LAMENT
Fawkes sings a bird song. Everyone is moved. Harry's curiosity? Killed.
CHAPTER THIRTY: THE WHITE TOMB
A lot of things change. Harry is now what Americans would call a high school drop-out. Ron and Hermione support him all the way. The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.
MaryGinny is abandoned by Harry-Neo Spiderman. Poor criature, a hundred years waiting for that!
THEN:
The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left stuf and go back to your ship wars, woman.