Chapter 1: Dumbledore and Detention

Severus Snape was not in a good mood as he crossed the great hall, his cloak swishing behind him. There were several unlucky students who crossed his path that morning. For their troubles they received deadly glares and house points were deducted. Some consoled themselves by thinking that the rustling cloak made him look like a great bat. The few that subscribed to Witch Weekly just tittered and shared their information with others. Snape reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office and spoke the password. "Ice Mice." What is it with his sweet obsession? He stormed in, not even waiting for Dumbledore to bid him entry. He threw down a piece of parchment on the old wizard's desk and stood there tapping his foot, arms crossed.

Dumbledore perused the parchment, and something akin to amusement came over his face. He tried to hide a smile, but the twinkle in his eyes was evident. Ah, yes. This will be very interesting indeed. "Yes, Severus. What is it that you wished me to see?" He gazed across his desk at his Potions master.

The younger wizard glared at Dumbledore and tried to remain calm. His voice was icy with disdain. "It's the first reply to that infernal ad. And look who it is! I'm not going!" His voice rose, despite his efforts to not get angry.

"I see that it is Rita Skeeter. I daresay that you could do worse." His mouth twitched as he tried to keep his composure. He knew for a fact that the nosy reporter witch was one of the people that Severus detested the most. But, it would be good for the man to overcome some of his prejudices.

Severus couldn't even reply to that. Instead, he repeated himself, something he abhorred doing. "I'm not going!" Surely the old man can't make me?

"But, yes, my lad, you are. You see, there is a binding contract between the person who places the ad and the one who answers. You must attend at least one date with them." He sat back in his chair and surveyed the man in front of him, waiting for the inevitable explosion. He was surprised to see Severus throw another glare at him and exit the room with such force that the

Portraits were banging against the walls. Well, at least he's somewhat controlling that temper of his. Although, I do feel a bit sorry for his students today.

All of the students for double potions were in place when it was time for class to start. What was absent from the room, however, was their Potions professor. This was an odd occurrence for the man who was so strict with time and class work. After a few more moments, they started whispering amongst themselves about why their professor could be late. Some speculated that maybe he had turned into a bat for good. Some thought that he was sick. The Slytherins insisted that if he was late, he had a good reason.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione were huddled over Hermione's Witch Weekly (she'd insisted that it was good to keep up on the news, no matter how silly it was) and didn't join in the conversation with the others. They were too wrapped up in what they were reading. Hermione had a fit of the giggles, a rare occurrence for her. Ron gaped at her, astounded that she was laughing so hard, and then looked at Harry. Then they both laughed.

Harry was the first to speak. "Imagine someone actually dating Snape!" He felt sorry for any woman who tried. Snape was not known for his people skills. Come to think of it, Snape wasn't really known for anything but his hatred for his students (especially me) and wanting the DADA position.

"What a wanker," was Ron's response. "Does he really think that anyone will reply to this ad?"

Hermione stopped giggling long enough to respond to her two friends. "First off, I heard that Dumbledore made him place the ad. Which makes sense, considering Dumbledore was the one interviewing him. Second, you never know, maybe his chicken parmesan really is good." She lapsed back into giggles.

The doors to the potions room slammed open as the professor entered the room. The class immediately stopped their murmuring, but it only made the man more suspicious.

Unfortunately for Hermione, she didn't get her magazine hidden fast enough, and before you could say "Accio Witch Weekly", Snape had it in his hand. His voice was cold and sharp as he spoke. "Miss Granger. Please, enlighten me as to why you are reading this…" his eyes swept over the magazine in distaste "…rubbish in my classroom?" Oh, Merlin. I hope she and her friends did not read my ad. Just act like the cold man that you are and it will be all right.

Hermione was unable to answer, owing to the glower her professor was shooting her way. She just looked at him with her mouth slightly open and hoped that he wouldn't explode.

He straightened his posture even more and glared down at the young woman. "50 points from Gryffindor!" He tightened his grip on the magazine and proceeded to the front on the room. "Incendio!" There. The damnable thing is gone. He turned his gaze to his students before declaring that there would be a quiz this morning.

Ron was seething. He glanced at Hermione, who was no longer laughing, but looking forlorn. He raged inside. Stupid, greasy git! Taking house points because he knows we were reading his ad! It's not fair. And 50 points at that! He's off his rocker! Then his eyes lit up as he thought of a way to get even. Granted, it would cost their house more points and probably mean a distasteful detention, but he knew it would be worth it. His hand shot up, causing Harry and Hermione to stare at him with worry.

Hermione knew that Ron was up to something, because he never asked questions in class. He also never answered questions in class voluntarily, but that was another matter. She hissed at Ron out of the corner of her mouth. "Ron, don't do anything stupid." But, it was too late.

Snape looked down his nose at Ron Weasley before speaking in a voice that could cut steel. "Yes, Mr. Weasley? Do you have something to say?"

Ron didn't give himself time to think before he spoke. "Yes, professor. I was just wondering if our quiz would be on blending aromatic spices together to create a magnum opus?" He ignored the startled gasps of his classmates and wondered just how much trouble he would get it for this. Hermione kicked him under the table. Harry just stared. Neville Longbottom gaped at Ron openmouthed, and some others laughed.

Bloody hell. Can this day get any worse? "Detention, Mr. Weasley. My office, 7:00 Monday evening. And rest assured, because of your little outburst, there are no points left in the Gryffindor hourglass." Ignoring the groans and protests of the rest of the Gryffindor class, he sat down at his desk. That's it. I'm locking myself in my chambers for the rest of the year. I wonder if I have any of that Ogden's Old Firewhisky left?

Snape opted not to join the other teachers for lunch in the great hall. He was never fond of it, even on his best days, but there was no way he was going to put up with them today. Instead, he paced his room, stopping occasionally to berate Dumbledore for his hair-brained idea. "What ever gave the old man the idea that dating would be a good idea? And what was I thinking when I agreed to the ad? He must have cast some sort of Confundus charm on me!"

Snape whirled around as he heard a snort come from somewhere behind him. He glared at the painted portrait that had made the noise, daring him to say something. Sometimes Snape couldn't fathom why he kept a portrait of William Shakespeare in his room. He wondered what he had been thinking when he had decided to cast a spell on the old painting so that it would move about and talk as the ones in the Wizarding world did. But, on normal days, he found the bard quite amusing. And even though it was something that he would be hard pressed to admit, he had a fondness for his writing.

The man in the portrait ignored Snape's anger and straightened his doublet as he spoke. "The common curse of mankind; folly and ignorance!" (1) He then whipped out some parchment, a quill, and scribbled furiously.

"Will, what the bloody blazes are you on about?" Crazy old fool. Always patronizing me by using quotes from his works.

William wasn't ruffled by Snape's cold tone. He knew the potions master was upset about something. From what he had gathered by listening to Snape's ranting and from some of the other portraits, Dumbledore was trying to find companionship for the man. God speed and good luck to him. He knew that if anyone could make this plan work, it was this school's headmaster. William had been privy to several conversations with the old man when he had visited the residents of the portraits in Dumbledore's office.He had realized that the aged wizard was most intelligent. "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me." (2) He chuckled as Snape walked away in a huff.

"So, that's what I get when I ask for an answer? I should send you back where I found you!" But, when Snape headed back to his classroom, he had a slight smile on his face as he thought about the writer's humor.

A/N:

Quotes:

1) "The common curse of mankind; folly and ignorance!" Troilus and Cressida: Act II, Scene III

2) "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me." Julius Caesar: Act I, Scene II

Magnum opus: I snagged this phrase from "Charlotte's Web". It means masterpiece.

Thanks so much to all of you who are reading/reviewing! I'm so glad that you are enjoying the story and find it funny. I've written funny short stories before, but this is the first time I've attempted a whole story. This one is definately the hardest I've ever written, because it's hard to be in the right mood to be silly. LOL

Mad props to Jennifer and Judy for being my betas. You are both awesome!

This is meant to be a silly, fun, lighthearted fic, and many of the characters will not be canon. Bear with me on updates. with working full time and a little one on the way, they might be sporadic.

Disclaimer:

All HP characters, etc belong to JKR. I just like to take them out and play with them once in a while. And, I might add, if AR were Snape, and there really was an add in Witch Weekly, I'd be first, next, and last in line. Hubba, Hubba!