Chapter 2: Rendezvous with Rita

I absolutely cannot fathom why I'm doing this. Oh wait. Yes, that's right. I'm doing this because that obtuse, ancient wizard is making me. I could walk away. I don't even like teaching, so it wouldn't be that hard. Who am I kidding? What else would I do? He sighed and resigned himself to the coming night. If he could just endure it, then it would be over with. After all, this Skeeter woman had made Potter's life miserable for a time, so she couldn't be all bad. He smirked to himself as he thought back to when everyone believed Potter was insane. Those were the days….

He pulled himself out of his reverie and looked into the glass in front of him. Not bad. Hair is shiny, smirk is in place, and my eyes are a nice shade of onyx. Wait? Are there shades of onyx? Isn't black 'black'? Or maybe onyx is the new black? Or maybe that is obsidian? I can't keep track of all that. Well, at least I know what I mean. He turned sideways and continued surveying himself. Hmm. I look a bit peaky, but too much sun is bad for you anyway. Wait! Am I primping? Disgusted, he turned away from the glass and picked up his cloak. It was going to be a long night.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow."(1) William strummed his lute, stopping to tip his hat when Snape walked by him. He laughed at the grimace Snape sent his way.

At the Three Broomsticks, he saw no sign of Rita Skeeter. Ah well. It gives me time to get smashed before she gets here. Merlin knows that this date will be easier to deal with if I'm not quite in my right mind. Even if my right mind is quite fine. That rhymes. I should write poetry. No, songs! I think the image of me in black leather with a guitar is quite appealing. It was with this thought that he entered the pub. He noticed that he received some strange looks, especially from Rosmerta. What he didn't realize was that most people recognized him from his ad. He just thought it was because his presence was a rare occurrence. He didn't come here often, and never on his own. He wouldn't have come here at all, but Dumbledore made them have a staff night occasionally. Dumbledore said it was a good 'team building' exercise. Whatever. He knew that Dumbledore was just partial to the hot lemon brandy with a chaser of butterbeer. Speaking of brandy….

He raised his hand to catch Rosmerta's attention. She just nodded and took her time waiting on other customers. Blasted witch! Can't she see that I need service? When she made her way over to his table, she just stood there looking at him. He stared back. She glared. He glowered. She broke eye contact. Aha! Potions Master, 1! Bar Witch, 0! Another good day for the professor. I love intimidating people.

"Can I help you?" She glanced at him with annoyance while waiting for his order.

"Yes, I'd like a pint of ale. No, wait! Make that a glass of brandy. No! Firewhisky!"

Rosmerta tapped her foot and rolled her eyes. "Would you like me to return when you've made up your mind?"

Snape didn't like it when people patronized him. That was something that was reserved for him. After all, I am a Snape. And Snapes are snarky. Interesting. Rhyming earlier, now alliteration. I'm just too good. "No, I would not like for you to return when I've made up my mind. I placed my order. I'll have a pint of ale, some brandy, and some firewhisky." He looked at her with scorn. He was pleased to see her press her lips into a fine line. Potions Master, 2! Bar Witch, 0! Really, this game is too easy.

"Fine then." With that she walked away, leaving him to wonder what in blazes he would do with all of that alcohol. He wasn't one to waste money, so he supposed he would have to drink it. He jumped a bit when Rosmerta plopped his drinks on the table. He hastily gave her payment and waved her away, noticing her eyes narrowing. She doesn't actually expect a tip after that display does she?" He eyed his drinks and decided to start with the firewhisky.

Ok, so maybe three drinks would have been fine. Seven appears to have been a bit much. Especially that last concoction. Who names a drink a flaming dragon, anyway? Snape shifted himself in his chair and nearly fell off, earning some askance looks from the other patrons. He hiccupped then tried to appear dignified. Where is that infernal woman?

The front door of the Leaky Cauldron swung inward at that moment. Rita Skeeter entered, in a full blaze of magenta robes, clutching her crocodile handbag. She immediately walked over to the table where Snape was sitting. Rita looked at him through her jeweled spectacles and batted her eyelashes. "Severus Snape! Oh, I've heard all about you. I'm Rita Skeeter." She smiled, showing several gold teeth, and reached for his hand.

He looked at her hand in distaste, but then sighed as he realized he should shake it. Reluctantly, he took it. Does she sharpen those talons that she calls nails? Where is the sanitizer potion when I need it? Is that a wig? He dropped her hand and sat back down, this time missing the chair completely. Hey, who did that? Oh, that was me. He jumped up and tried to gracefully sit down. What did she say? She's heard all about me? "Me?"

Rita appeared to be a bit amused, but didn't voice it. "Of course. From dear little Draco Malfoy. He mentioned you many times." She helped herself to a seat then turned her eyes back to Snape. "He admires you a great deal. I think he views you as a second father." Second father indeed! The little brat is such a suck up!

Snape just stared at her. Father? To a Malfoy? Gods! I'd rather be thrown alive into a pen with a Mannycourt. Wait, that's not right. Manticore? Yes, that's it. I've really got to cut back on the firewhisky. Out loud he said "Well, I try to be there for the boy, little rat that he is." He mentally smacked himself in the head. I've got to stop saying things like that.

Rita didn't seem to notice what he had said. In fact, she wasn't even listening to him. If he wouldn't have been in his inebriated state, Snape would have observed that she seemed to have her own agenda. A piece of parchment and a suspicious acid green quill appeared by her side. She looked over at Snape expectantly as the quill scribbled away. Hmmm. I could think of other ways to use the feather on my quill….

Snape was more that a little unnerved by this freakish woman and that quill. Not to mention, he was able to read some of her thoughts and they positively frightened him. She seriously wants to tie me up and tickle me with a feather? He shuddered and decided that Legilimency was not always something that should be done, especially when one was drunk. Feather? What was that old saying about a feather? Fame is a fickle feather? No. Something about birds together? Oh, who cares? He lifted his head up and stared at Rita.

"I have to say, I've always found you to be a mysterious character. Dark and brooding. This is why I jumped at the chance for a date with you. It's not every day that one gets to go out with a vampire." She smirked at him as she said this.

"Vampire? Why does everyone seem to think I'm a vampire? That's ridiculous. In fact, you're more of a vampire than me, with those freakish teeth and sharp claws!" Maybe I need to go for a new look? The silver hair and beard seem to work for Dumbledore. I wonder if they make Wizards Hair Wash in that color? His thoughts were interrupted by the scratching of the quill. His eyes snapped over to read the parchment. It was a good thing that he had developed the talent of reading upside down. It certainly came in handy in this instance. What? "His eyes grew darker as he spoke of his blood lust." The nerve….wait…"He licked his lips and looked longingly at my neck." RUBBISH! Oh, that image is going to take a while to get out of my head. I'm drunk, but not drunk enough to want any part of her!

Rita looked at him innocently, and the quill continued to scratch. She adjusted her glasses and drummed her nails on the table. "Now, professor, tell, me…do vampires really make better lovers?"

Snape had seen and heard enough. He stood up, slightly shaky and pointed his wand toward the parchment. "Incendio!" Rita let out a surprised yelp. Snape looked at her with blurry eyes. Oh my! His aim was obviously not at its best. Instead of the parchment, he had missed and caught her hair on fire. Snape laughed, really laughed, for the first time in ages. I was right. It is a wig. Serves her right!

Rita danced around, yelling and pulling her burning hair from her head. Everyone in the bar was staring and pointing. She flung the wig to the floor, trying to stomp it out. In the process, she knocked over several stools, a table, and the drinks of the patrons that were sitting nearby.

Rosmerta made her way over to him, furious. "Mr. Snape! This is an honorable establishment. I will not have you making a display like this! You will leave now or I will have one of my bar hands throw you out!"

Snape gathered all of the poise that he could. He tried to stand up straighter, but overbalanced and fell flat on the floor. In a show of concern (which he certainly would not have voiced had he been sober), he looked up at her and said, "Are you all right? That was a nasty fall."

Rosmerta was tempted to laugh at the situation, but that was overridden when she looked at the mess around her. "You bloody sot! I'm not the one who fell on my arse! You are!

He had to admit that she was right. He probably would feel that in the morning. Potions Master 2! Bar Witch, 1! She's catching up. Blast! He couldn't say anything, however, because of Rosmerta's continued ranting.

"Bloody, wretched vampire! Can't hold your liquor! I don't know why I even let your kind in here! Look at you! Look at my pub!" She stamped her foot for emphasis.

Snape looked up at her in mystification. Has everyone gone mad? I'm not a vampire! "Vampire? Why does everyone…." He was cut off in mid sentence.

"OUT! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! I've half a mind never to let you set foot in here again!"

He could only look up at her in awe. She was in a right snit. He started to speak again, but promptly passed out, his head hitting the floor with a thump.

Hagrid, who had been enjoying the spectacle, decided it was time to step in. "Rosmerta, I'll take care o' him." He roughly grabbed Snape by the collar and dragged him out. He didn't feel any remorse as he deposited the potions teacher head first into the rainwater hogshead outside the pub, then pulled him out again. The cold water did not work though, and much to Hagrid's consternation, he had to carry the man back to Hogwarts. "This wad't in my list of duties," he muttered, wishing he hadn't ventured to the pub that night.

A/N:

Quote:

1) "Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow." Romeo and Juliet Act II, Scene II

Thanks again to Judy and Jennifer for their encouragement and for being my betas. I appreciate it so much!

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I'm glad you are enjoying the story. This is meant to be a light-hearted, humorous fic, so many characters are not to canon.

Disclaimer: I am not JKR and do not own anything associated with Harry Potter. I do like to daydream about the characters.