Chapter 7: Slytherins and Sorting hats

"I'm telling you, the Dementor just sailed right for him! That's what Hagrid told me." Poppy Pomfrey was always one that enjoyed good gossip, even if it wasn't true. But, that was beside the point. In this case, it certainly was true, and it certainly did concern the grouchy Potions Master. "She was trying to kiss him!"

"You don't say? This is most fascinating. Hmm, I wonder if anyone has ever read his tea leaves?" Sibyll Trelawney was already making plans to do so upon his waking. She glanced over at the man lying on the cot. "His aura is very murky today. He should really see someone about that." I must get to work. This poor man is in serious need of my help!

"Whatever you say Sibyll." Always on about tea leaves and auras. As if there was nothing else in life! I bet she's never even seen Wizard Watch. That last episode about Muggle-born witches and the men who love them was fascinating. So romantic….

The two women were interrupted at this juncture by Professor Lupin, who had just walked in. "How is the patient? Is he awake yet?" He looked over at the unconscious Severus with a disappointed look on his face. Just my luck. All this chocolate and the bloody man is still out cold! There's always something to put a damper on my fun.

"He should awaken soon, Remus." Poppy turned as Headmaster Dumbledore came through the door. What is this place today? Platform 9 and ¾?

"It appears that this is the place to be." Albus was pleased with himself because he always liked to be in the thick of things. "How is our beloved Potions master?" He busied himself by blowing a very large bubble, which popped and got stuck in his long beard. "Alas. It seems that always happens."

Snape was becoming vaguely aware of multiple voices chattering around him. Maybe if I pretend to still be cataleptic, they'll all go away.

There was no such luck for poor Severus today. He felt a sharp poke in his side, which hurt very much. "OUCH! What the sodding hell did you do that for?" He sat up and rubbed his side with vigor. He saw several witches and wizards around him, waiting with expectant looks on their faces.

Dumbledore guiltily looked away and pocketed his wand, which he had used as a poking device.

"Severus, my boy! It's so good of you to join us. We've all been quite worried about you."

"I'm sure you have. But, I assure you, I'm quite fine." He leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes.

He quickly opened them again as he felt a presence beside his cot. Lupin. Damnation! That man is such a nuisance.

"Fine or not, you must eat some chocolate." Lupin was very excited and was waving his hand directly in front of Snape's face. "I prefer milk chocolate myself. Not only does it have wonderful healing properties, it's just yummy!"

"Well, I like dark!" Snape glared at the werewolf.

Lupin's face fell. "Dark? Really? I don't have any dark. Dear me! Have no fear, Severus, I will find you some." With that, he ran out of the room and headed straight for Honeydukes.

"Good riddance!" Maybe he'll get lost on the way. How delightful for me.

"I see your temper has not improved by your brush with death," Dumbledore chided.

"Phhhtt," mumbled Snape. "As if I haven't already had multiple brushes with death. Do you really think after all of those, a little kiss from a dementor is going to faze me? Hmmm?" Yes, Snape was admittedly grouchy, but he was having such a lovely dream before he was so rudely prodded awake. He started to rise from his bed, only to be pushed back down by Poppy.

"Oh no! You are staying right there. You're not in fit shape to go anywhere right now. You're too weak. I do happen to have dark chocolate on hand, so eat it and rest!" Her tone of voice left no room for argument, and Snape meekly took the chocolate she offered.

While he was chewing a mouthful of said chocolate, Sibyll pounced. "My good man. It would be most advantageous if you would let me cleanse your aura." I do hope he agrees. I'm so bored with the normal prophecies and such.

Snape fixed a darker glare than ever seen before on the Divination professor. "My aura is fine. Go bother someone else. Aren't there some students who still believe in your tripe?"

The woman's face fell dramatically at this, and tears started to slide down her face. "I was only t-trying t-t-t-o help!" With this she started sobbing and ran from the room.

Dumbledore frowned at the younger wizard. "You really must learn how to handle women, Severus. It's no wonder that you've never had a girlfriend!"

Really, that was uncalled for. I could have a girlfriend anytime I want! Oh, who am I kidding? The old fool is right. I know nothing about women. "I don't see how that is relevant, Albus. I've had enough of this abuse. I'm leaving!" Jumping out of bed before Poppy could protest, he ran from the room.

Dumbledore shook his head and laughed. "I wonder how long it will take him to realize he hasn't got his robes on?"

Poppy looked very amused. "I'm not sure. Care to make a bet?"

For Severus Snape had fled the room wearing nothing but his amulet Portkey.

My, it feels breezy in here today. I wonder why…. Snape's thoughts abruptly came to a halt when he realized just why it was breezy. MOTHER OF MERLIN! I'm…NAKED! Snape's thoughts abruptly came to a halt when he realized just why it was breezy.

Unfortunately, it was a bit late to realize this as he was in the corridor and classes had just let out. He fled down the hall, looking this way and that for something to cover up with.

Behind him, there were many shrieks and whispers. Lavendar Brown and Parvati Patil were giggling and pointing. Lavendar, well known for her sexual prowess said, "Well, who would have thought he was hiding that under his robes!" Parvati just blushed and stared after her professor.

Draco Malfoy sagely nodded his head. "At least he lives up to Slytherin expectations." He simply said this to cover up for the fact that he, as a matter of course, did not live up to expectations, which Pansy had been kind enough to point out. Cursing, he headed the opposite direction, wondering if an engorgement charm would do the trick.

Hermione had stopped dead in her tracks, causing Harry and Ron to run right into her from behind. Well, well. This is most interesting. I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend!

"Oy, Mione! What did you stop for?" Ron caught sight of Snape's retreating figure at the same time as Harry. Both boys just stood there gaping after him.

Snape, on the other hand, was not amused, and was definitely not listening to the comments all around him. Had he taken the time to listen, he might have been proud. Instead, he grabbed the first thing he found, which happened to be the Sorting Hat. Why it was sitting on a chair outside of Professor Flitwick's classroom was beyond him, but he was thankful.

The Sorting Hat, however, was anything but happy about the circumstance he found himself in. I say! This is definitely not in my job description! I don't even have a song prepared.

Snape was quite unaware of the consternation he was causing the poor hat, and honestly would not have cared if he did know. His main concern was getting to his room as quickly as possible.

The hat could hold his silence no longer. He began speaking in a loud, singsong voice.

"A thousand years ago or more

When I was newly sewn,

No one told me that some day

I'd hide a man full grown.

Now that day has come at last

And I am not impressed

I really wish that Severus Snape

Would simply just get dressed.

This, by far is the worst job

A sorting hat could do

I know that you may question it

But really, it is true.

For now I'll bide my precious time

And later I will flee

When Albus turns his eyes away

For, then, I will be free!"

Snape was embarrassed enough without having this infernal hat adding to it. "Will you shut your mouth, you bloody hat? Do you think I like this anymore than you do?" Thankfully, he had reached his rooms by this point. He ran in and quickly shut the door.

For once, William was totally speechless as he stared at the wizard, who leaned against the door, panting, with a sorting hat on his manhood.

A/N: Thanks to Judy and Jennifer for being my betas! Thanks to Jennifer for her help with the Sorting Hat's song.

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful reviews. They mean so much. As for those of you who have asked about Rosmerta, if only life would be that kind to our dear Severus. I fear however, that his trials will be many before he is allowed to find true love. Poor man.

Disclaimer: Alas, HP is the work of mastermind, JKR. If only...