Chapter 6, Pet peeves, exclamationmarks, and the most abused cliché in all fandom
The valiant heroes dashed out of the city and headed for the Tomb of the Unknown King. It took them about one and half a minute to reach it (the three random encounters they butchered along the way not counted), and this despite the fact that on the map it seemed that the distance between the huge town and the tomb was about ten, fifteen times the length of Deling City's radius. But since it was a fanfic, the laws of logic apparently didn't work on geography either.
As they reached the entrance however, Quistis halted so suddenly that everyone else ran into her. After spending another two precious minutes sorting themselves out, the heroes let the heroine speak.
However, the National Anti-Drug commitee arrested the author for that clumsy use of words which could send horrible signals to younger readers that the heroes of FF8 were, in fact, on acid. So it took another few weeks and a lengthy explanation at a trial before the author came back and could finish another bit of the story.
Luckily, the characters had stood frozen in time all this while, unwillingly patiently waiting.
Quistis spoke up.
"We can't go in there, remember how that dungeon works?!!" she exclaimed, "we'll need the map to keep track on where we are all the time since that damn thing follows our perspective in there all the time!!!!!!!"
Groaning under this unarguable logic and clearsightedness, not to mention the sheer weight of exclamation marks and of course the repetition of some words to make things even clearer for the readers in case they missed something, the whole gang ran back to Deling City and turned it upside down - literally since they were giants while walking around on the map - to shake out the seller of the Great Map of The Tomb.
After getting this (and paying an insane amount of money for it), they ran back to The Tomb again, all this during a timespan of less than five minutes. Not even Ultimecia would have managed such a great time kompression.
Finally managing to descend into the darkness of the ancient crypt, the people headed into the dusk and stuff only enlightened by Seifer's glowing charisma and the torchlight that Zell had conveniently brought before leaving Garden, but which hadn't been graced with the honor of being mentioned earlier.
Surely a lot of vivid descriptions of the dripping walls, the underground chill and its interesting plantlife that had adapted to live without sunlight would have been really neat here, but who cares?
Simply walking straight forwards, they reached the heart of the maze, finding the brige to the island of the tomb itself already being conveniently down.
"Hold up!" Seifer warned, flinging out his right arm into Irvine's chest and sending the cowboy stumbling backwards, wheezing as he tried to regain his breath, "it might be a trap!"
The heroes grimly nodded at each other - or in Irvine's case pathetically bobbed a bit as he still hadn't recovered - and then stroke a thoughtful pose each.
"I have an idea..." Quistis finally said, stepping forwards.
"We've been reduced to bit characters already, ya know?!" Raijin bitterly murmured to Zell who nodded in tired resignment.
Quistis took in a deep, calm breath and then cupped her hands around her mouth.
"Sandwich!!" she bellowed on top of her lungs.
The echo danced through the damp, chilly air of the crypt world for almost a minute before it finally died away.
There was a beep.
"Password acknowledged," a high-pitched, robotic voice announced.
From the gate of the inner chamber came a series of suspicious clicks and whirring sounds as mechanical deathtraps withdrew.
"Good work, darling!" Seifer cheered, horribly out of character for the sheer cuteness of it all.
Quistis gave him a triumphant smile and then crossed the bridge, followed by the valiant - and coughing - warriors.
Meanwhile, Rinoa felt disgusted, filthy, and downright bad. But to escape from this hellhole and save her love and her friends, she was prepared to do anything. They'd die if she didn't make it out, caught in the horrible schemes of the fearful sorcerer Susan.
That was why she now tried to strike a conversation with a random guard.
"So, you get many guarding jobs?" she asked, willing a smile as she smiled through the bars separating her from the rest of the world.
"Yup," the Galbadian soldier said with a shrug, "I tend to die on the work though. But I get extra cash for that. You know, Squall always needs to kill somebody along the way, the others tend to do with just knocking out and stuff. I guess that it comes with the fact that he's the main hero and has a sword... gunblade, I mean. If you have a gunblade you have to kill people."
"Uh-huhhh..." Rinoa murmured, fighting to sound both interested and stay awake at the same time.
She couldn't help it. Everything people said at give times seemed to just irritate or bore her, no matter what they were talking about. Her moods were after all a huge plot device. Bah. She'd be bitching about something and act like a brat soon enough. Inwardly she deeply sighed for her crying dignity.
Suddenly there was the sound of steps coming from the stairs on the other end of the dungeon, and a white jacket flashed in the torchlight as a flapping blade cut through the air. Or was that the other way around...?
The guard sighed, drew his sword, nodded at Rinoa, said his last prayer and then slumped on the floor in a pool of blood that colored his blue uniform into a sickly purple while his sword clattered over the floor with a dull, hopeless sound.
Several yards away, Seifer watched this and scratched his hair for a moment before shrugging and resheathing his unused weapon in thin air.
"Hey Rinny," he smirked and waved.
Rinoa raised her hand to wave back. Then the characterization hit her.
"AAAAIIIE!!!" she screamed so that the walls cracked, "somebody save me! It's my ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me, he's back to finally kill me but probably not after taking a horrifying revenge on Squall for nabbing me!!"
Quistis came down the stair.
"And he's teamed up with my rival!" Rinoa hysteriaded on, "I'm doomed! DOOMED!! Mercy!"
"It's okay Rinoa!" Zell cried out as he stumbled down the stair, pressing his hands against his ears, "he's on our side again!"
The imprisoned sorceress nodded apologetically as she stumbled backwards, gasping for air as she was allowed to shut up by the plot developement.
Quistis hurriedly came over to the prison and bent down to search the mysteriously dead guard's body for the keys. She quickly found them (with a great deal of relief) and spent a few minutes trying out the hundred or so darn keys until one of them finally clicked in the lock.
"Okay, let's get outta here, ya know!" Raijin said, cautiously keeping an eye on the entrance.
"Thanks a lot guysoahh!!" Rinoa called.
That shriek was since she had stumbled on the plate of mouldy bread that had been her lunch, dinner and breakfast since she was captured (a few hours or so ago, hard to tell with all this stupid time kompression), which sent her flailing forwards, through the open door and over the floor into Seifer, who automatically caught her in his arms.
Rinoa began to apologize, but was cut off by a barrel of thundering steps.
"Aww, shit!" Zell gasped, staring at the shaking stone steps of the stair, "fangirls!"
"TREPIES!" Fujin shrieked, taking cover behind Raijin.
Teen girls with varying looks stormed down the stair and quickly began to fill the narrow, badly lit and described dungeon corridor. Hundreds of eyes set heatedly on one person.
"You slutty bitch!" the warcry rang, "trying to steal Seifer!"
Sighing, Quistis grabbed the paralyzed Rinoa's arm and pulled the raven-haired girl up behind her.
"I HATE these ones!" the former instructor snarled, reaching for her whip.
But I'll cheat you of the great battle against the fangirls, to finish off the cliché of copping out. Ain't I a cheapskate?
Instead, we shall once again set our sight upon Esthar, and the hospital wing where Laguna had been brought after the attack. On his sides were his faithful friends Kiros and Ward, whom had stood with him through good and bad and really stupid situations, and his dear little Ellone, sobbing her pretty face off and drenching his weak hand in salty tears.
Dr. Odine stood by the foot of the bed, fidgeting with the TV and the little camera on top of it which were already stationed there.
"It zhall be finizhed zoon," the doctor assured with a nervous glance at the pen which impatiently tapped against the bed table with some help of Laguna's hand.
"You should try to get some rest, uncle Laguna," Ellone sobbed, "I know this is important to you but it will be such a strain..."
"Don't worry," Laguna gently smiled, "it'll be fi..."
But then he went off in a coughing fit of no logical reason other than drama. Ellone broke down in a new storm of tears while the other three men just sighed.
"Zere we go!" Odine triumphantly spoke in bastardized accent and turned the TV on.
Squall's face turned up on the screen, seen slightly from the side. His neck was bent and his eyes went back and forth as if he was reading something.
Laguna softly smiled as he saw his son again, it seemed as if the hesitant visit a week ago (enthusiastically cheered on by all but Squall himself of course) was several years away.
Suddenly Squall's eyes stopped at the corner of his eyes closest to the hospital and he jerked up, blinking at the five people assembled around and on the strict bed.
"What," the commander spoke, slowly, "are you doing in my computer?"
"I am juzt zat good!" Odine squealed while jumping happily up and down before Ward grabbed his huge collar - or whatever that was supposed to be - and signed that if he didn't chill then the giant would throw the good doctor through the window.
"Party pooper..." the scientist sourly sighed, crossing his arms while he was let down.
"Squall," Ellone said in a broken voice, "we had Dr. Odine help us with the camera equipment so that uncle Laguna could speak with you. He was badly hurt in an assassination attack, and might not live much longer."
"Again..." Kiros, Laguna and Odine muttered and Ward signed, grimacing tiredly.
This comment was dropped while Squall sucked in his breath slowly, involuntarily paling.
"Dying?" Squall managed.
"I am afraid so, son..." Laguna said, his voice weak and hoarse, "but, before I die I have to tell you the truth... the truth you must know..."
"What is it this time?" the SeeD commander grunted with a roll of his eyes, but leaned forwards as he should.
"Please do not speak too long, uncle Laguna..." Ellone murmured, stroking the long, unruly locks of black hair on the pillow.
Laguna replied by falling off in another coughing fit. As he finally ended, Ellone had almost finished another chapter of her romance novel, "Midnight Roses in Balamb's Shadow", Kiros was playing chess with Odine and Ward was engrossed in drawing a delicate sketch of a little baby imp that had seated itself in the sunlight on the window sill. Squall sat back in his chair, sipping coffee from a mug labeled "My Hero" in big, red letters on the fond of a pink heart.
"Hey, some compassion here!?" Laguna whined.
Quickly everyone cleared up their projects and took their positions again.
"What is it... dad?" Squall said, adding the last word with a gut-wrenching, despairing hesitance.
"What you must know, Squall..." Laguna whispered, coughing again once, "is..."
He took in a deep breath, staring down at his clenching hands. Then suddenly he straightened up with determination in the once vivid eyes where light now was fading.
"Squall..." he spoke, "I... am your father."
The commander had balled a piece of papper and jammed it into his mouth to muffle himself before the required scream of "Noooooooo!!" had managed to draw enough air into his lungs to be freed. What came out sounded more like "Mghrugho!!".
As he had regained control he pulled out the soaked report and glared at the screen, where he now could see Kiros, Ward, Ellone and Odine pressed against the walls of the hospital room with horrified expressions. Laguna was still in the bed, lying down and breathing heavily while pressing both hands against his chest.
"What's wrong with this author?!" father and son finally gasped in unison.
Behind Squall's chair, a dark, circular rift in time and space opened up. A familiar-looking warlock with blue hair and a red cloak stepped out, raised his hand with his pointing finger straight while opened his mouth. Then he paused, thought better of it and turned around, disappearing in the Gate again. He had far better things to do.
And smarter, too.
"Well," Kiros finally said in the silence that had ruled for a while, "now that that's over..."
He managed to pull himself free from the wall and produced a small, red notebook. After opening it and flipping through a few pages to find the right date he put his pointing finger on the left side of it.
"Ah, here we are. Well, sad to say everyone, but we have to see to that Laguna goes and blows up Odine's lab at seven, so we'll have to cut it short."
"I have an elixir!" Ellone announced and proudly offered her uncle a sip from a miraculously appearing bottle.
Laguna swallowed and then bolted up from the bed with a triumphant grin.
"Alright! Let's get to... OW!"
He doubled over, grabbing his right leg.
"Leg cramp, leg cramp!"
Sighing, the people of the room joined forces to lift the president from the floor and carry him towards the door. Except for Odine, who stood rooted in his spot with manically opening and closing lips, bulging eyes and a face that was turning an interesting shade of purple.
"Bye Squall!" Ellone waved before she and her three "uncles" disappeared from view.
The commander awkwardly waved back while Odine bounded after the disappearing backs, croaking out curzez and pleas of mercy.
The screen went black.
Merry Christmas everyone, and bless you for all the kind reviews!
Sad news, however; this marks the end of the stuff I already have written up, and thus it might take a bit longer than before until I can get a new chapter up. But despair not, I shall valiantly fight until this madness is finished!
And feel free to keep suggesting clichés, I'll do my best to stick them into the story!