Fanfiction by Blueroseulan

November 26, 2005

AN: Thanks to all those who reviewed in the first chappie::grins widely: I also believe that tha OVA didn't do justice to the anime and the manga and Kenshin's death made everything worst. Well, I hope you guys would continually read and review this fic of mine. It's becoming a personal favorite of mine

RK doesn't belong to me!

Please review!

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It was a little over Kiriko's birthday (Of course he had missed it) when Kaoru received a letter from the police station that her husband would be home in two days. But this time, Kaoru didn't feel a bit excited or happy. Instead, she felt bittered by the irony of things. Of course she knew, she should feel glad and thankful to the gods that her husband was safe and coming home. With no more than a few bruises and a broken rib (That was what the police said in the letter) she should have been grateful that she would not go to Saitou and retrieve the dead body of her husband. Indeed she felt relieved but that didn't stop her from being mad and questioning his love for his family. She told her children of his arrival and they were curious why he was going home. Kaoru could only frown as she thought; my children are questioning his presence in this house. They are more acquainted with the thought of their father away rather than in the dojo. Do they think of him as an intruder?

Kaoru could only hope not.

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The sun was about to set when while sweeping; Kaoru saw the silhouette of a man trudging down the path of her dojo. Opening the gate, she saw him, shoulders sunken and tired, Hair matted with sweat and blood and gi torn. Well at least he hasn't got a deep wound. She walked towards him and assisted him with the light bag he had been carrying. He turned to embrace her, but he sensed her stiffen beneath his touch and he immediately pulled away. They walked towards the house in awkward silence with Kaoru trying her best to avoid his questioning gaze.

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He had immediately felt his wife's hesitation when he felt her stiffen upon embracing her. The silence she gave him was the last thing he wanted to have and she lacked the cheerful demeanor she used to radiate when welcoming him home. He knew something was very wrong with his wife, though that he didn't know and had to find out.

"TOU-SAAAAAAANNN"

He stopped short in his tracks when he saw an identical red head racing straight towards him and immediately latching itself in his legs. He was surprised, needless to say that his child had still recognized him. This emotion he saw was mirrored in Kaoru's impassive face. By this time, they had reached the dojo and a girl with black hair and violet gaze stood wide-eyed at the dojo porch.

"Kiriko-chan! This is Otou-san! He's the one I'm telling you about!" Kenji babbled. Missing the flinching look in his father's eyes.

Kiriko didn't even move, just froze in confusion-- and even fear? Kenshin couldn't tell, for he still wasn't familiar about his child's emotion.

"Is this Kiriko musume? Why, you've grown little koneko!" He said walking towards his daughter and giving her an embrace. But instead of returning the gesture, the child pushed the surprised man back and ran towards her mother's room leaving her father shocked and stumped.

Kaoru had the same emotion, seeing her child's reaction to Kenshin. Never did she expect Kiriko to react that way for the girl had always been shy and afraid of people. She saw the hurtful look in her husband's eyes and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Trying her best to stop the scene, she led him towards the kitchen with Kenji, who seemed to be more comfortable with him, and offered to take his bag in their room, this also an opportunity for her to talk to Kiriko.

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Kenshin was surprised how well his wife had learned to cook. The dinner she prepared for him was good! It was even better than his! And though the dinner table was filled with Kenji's babblings and Kenshin's modest—if not a bit untruthful answers, Kaoru could tell that there was a thick air of tension in the room.

It was when after the dishes had been cleaned and kept away did Kenshin allow himself to retire to bed. Exhausted by the day's traveling, he couldn't help but peek at Kenji and Kiriko's room and see Kaoru putting them to sleep. Staying hidden at the doorway, he heard his wife's soothing voice, gently coaxing both the children to sleep.

"Kiriko-chan! Kiriko chan! Let's go tell Kaa-san how much we love her!" Kenji chided excitedly, remembering the good night routine both he and Kiriko shared.

"Hai! Hai!"

So both of them got in a kneeling position place their chubby hands over their hearts and said solemnly,

"Kenji-chan and Kiriko-chan loves Okaa-san more than anything or anyone in the world!" The two children chorused that Kaoru couldn't help but smile at the antics of her children. Gathering both, she tickled them, their shrieking voices and laughter echoing in the house and resounding in the dojo. When she had worn them well enough, she kissed them both gently in the forehead and silently walked out of the room, closing the shoji as quietly as she could.

Kenshin had left even before Kaoru rose to leave. He was both touched and hurt by his children's words. Touched for he was certain Kaoru gave his children the best treatment and care while he was away and hurt because, he longed to hear those words directed for him. So consumed was he in his thoughts that he didn't even hear her enter the room, her voice the only one breaking his trail of thoughts.

"I'm sorry about what happened with Kiriko today."

He looked up to see her lighting the lamp and he couldn't help but admire how she had managed to stay beautiful even as she had matured.

"It's alright. It's my fault anyway. "

Kaoru kept silent. Although inwardly, she was dying to shout at him, to tell him all of her thoughts, to make him feel the emptiness and unhappiness she felt, to scream at him and make him know every thing he had missed. But this she did not do. Instead, she kept her mouth tightly clamped shut.

He had sensed her frustration, even before they had retired to bed. The silent treatment he received and the lack of response from her was merely a sign of what she felt within. "Kaoru," he murmured, moving closer to her form. "Kaoru, I can sense that something is wrong. Please tell me what is bothering you."

Again, she wanted to scream at him, to berate him and open up her musings and worries. To tell him how worried she had been about their future, to cry and tell him that she terribly missed him that it came to the point of desperation. But no, she kept silent again and just shook her head.

Kenshin sighed. He must have known, his absence was bound to leave scars to the ones he love. He should have known that Kaoru would sooner or later suffer along with him.

"Kaoru… please…"

She shook her head. Trying very hard to control the torrent of emotions struggling to get free. "Kenshin, nothing is wrong." Her voice sounded so strained, so tight that even she could not come to believe herself.

"Kaoru… I know something's bothering you… I could tell… … I know you well enough to understand how you feel."

"Apparently, not well enough." Her mind whispered. "Kenshin… there's nothing really…" she tried to put truth behind her voice and words.

He shook his head, unconvinced with her explanation. "Kaoru, you know I'm tired. I just want to rest. But I can't sleep knowing there's something bothering you."

His words were the last of her undoing. What did he mean? That he was just forcing himself to know her problem, to be able to solve it and finally go to sleep and probably leave her and her insecurities alone?

"You have been gone for so long Kenshin that you never knew my problems." She said in a hard voice.

He sighed in frustration. "Kaoru, I thought we've discussed my work before. It's demands and conditions." He said in a tired voice.

"Yes we did. But apparently, not well enough."

"How so?" he challenged.

"I thought your work with the police station would only be… a few number of cases… I didn't expect you to be out of the house and of town almost every day…"

"What are you saying?" he asked, irritation growing.

"I am saying that… you actually don't have enough time for us. Me and your children."

"But that was what we had talked about when I got the job!" he said, his voices rising a bit higher.

She groaned. This would never do her madness versus his. "But that's not my point!" she said defensively.

"Then what IS your point! Kaoru, look, I'm the one who's tired here, I'm the one who's worked non stop for almost a month yet here you are, throwing everything back to my face."

Her eyes widened by his careless choice of words. Did he not know how she suffered when he was gone?

"How could you say that Kenshin! How could you tell me that you were the only one suffering all these time! Did you mean that I had been living a euphoric existence while you were gone? Well, here's a clue, think again!" she shouted, forgetting that Kenji and Kiriko were a few rooms away.

"Then tell me what your feeling!" he growled.

"You really want to know Kenshin?" she asked in a sarcastic voice. "Well here's the truth. Ever since you left, I was left alone like a blind man desperately groping in the dark. I didn't know how to raise my child, what to do, where to start. And YOU were not there. Every time Kenji asks me why you didn't come to his birthday, my mind keeps going blank. Every occasion, every achievement, Kenji's first steps, Kiriko's first words, I wanted to have a companion, someone I can tell my pride, my happiness…But YOU were never there. I was left alone. Not knowing how to establish our family. MY family. Don't you know how it felt to be alone in the night? With insecurities and unhappiness eating its way? And YOU were never even there to comfort me Kenshin."

He was left silent and shocked by her words. How could a woman contain so many emotions? And all the while, he thought they were all alright…

"Kaoru…I'm sorry." It was he could say.

But Kaoru couldn't take a simple apology. She couldn't, she wouldn't. She must show him that things were not so simple as he thought it to be.

"Sorry? Sorry is never enough" she snuffed.

He growled. His frustration building up again. "Then what do you have me say Kaoru? That I don't care how much I've hurt you! That I never cared! Well, if that's what you want, then here's what you want me to say… I NEVER did!"

She gasped, shocked by his words. She was hurting beyond words and tears were threatening to spill… no… it had spilled even at the start of their conversation.

"Kenshin… how could you say that? How could you? How could you tell me that you never valued our family? "

"Because that was what you wanted me to say!" he started.

"No." She shook her head, her voice, suddenly lowering, reduced to mere whispers, all the while, the tears never left her face

"All I wanted to tell you was we missed you… I missed you… during the times when I needed you…I feel regret… bitter even… but that doesn't mean I hate you… Hell… I would do anything for you Kenshin…I even think… it would have been better if I never married you and died with Enishi's Tenchuu… in that way… I would never have tied you to a family… in that way, there would be no one, fighting you, at this time of the night, when you're so tired and exhausted with all your work, and telling you how much you've lost your family."

He gasped, "What do you mean I've lost my family?" he demanded.

Her head bowed, ashamed of what she was about to say, afraid to see the look that would cross in his eyes.

"Kenshin… you don't understand… Let's just… drop this…" she said with resignation.

But instead of letting down, his anger flared up, his eyes shocking amber his desperation and anger driving him half mad

"Kaoru, whatever did you mean I have lost my family! What the fuck are you saying! What hell is that about! It is you who doesn't understand Kaoru, you don't understand me! YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL!"

"HOW COULD I POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, IF I CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!"

His eyes widened, what was she trying to say?

She saw the confusion in his eyes, she wanted to stop this talk, she wanted to just lie down and go to sleep, forget their problems… anything that would drive her away from telling him the truth, but no, she was too bursting with emotions, to back down now.

"Kenshin," she whispered, turning her back on him, to hide the sorrow on her face, " I… Ever since you left, I have been alone… With no one beside me, I had to raise our children alone…You were always away, gone, far, and you never saw them grow… And all this time, I've been trying to tell myself that everything will be alright, that I should never implant a grudge against you in my heart, that someday, you would realize you're priorities, us… But, you never did Kenshin… And I had to live a life of struggle every day, with only me, myself and I as my constant companion, I became both the father and the mother of our children…"

"What are you saying?" he asked in disbelief, trying to deny the crashing truth he knew.

"It's just that… I.." she whispered, turning around to face him, " I have actually learned to live without you… To actually forget that you love me, and I love you…" she murmured, trying to tell him the reality between their lives.

"Wh—what? You don't love me anymore Kaoru? Do you hate me now?" he asked his look so crestfallen and so shocked.

"No!" she was quick to show her negation, however short it may be. "I do love you Kenshin… I never hated you… and I never will, "she added, "I know deep inside my heart, I love you. Yes I do, but it's just that, I had somewhat forgotten the mutualism, the feeling, of how our love really felt… you know when we were still unmarried, the things we did, the words we said. Before, I used to live because of love. Because of you. But now, I just live for my children and just for the sake of existence…"

After she had finished her words, she dared not look at him, afraid of the emotions that were present in his face. And it was a good thing for she had missed the wounded look on his face. The devastation and brokenness, his expression far too complicated to describe. Tears had pooled on the base of his amethyst eyes. Yet his face never showed traces of anger, rather, it was of regret, unhappiness and even of … fear?

"Kaoru…" it was all he could say. Her name that escaped his lips so naturally. What was he to do now? If the only person who had learned to love him and fully accept him, for whom he was before, is now having a hard time to reach out and grasp for him? To understand him? Kaoru's mere presence was the only thing that bound his life together; it was something that made his will to live stronger. But now… what was he to do?

His lips should have echoed his thoughts for Kaoru turned a tear stained face to him, her expression furrowed and confused.

"I don't know Kenshin… I don't know what is there left to do… Maybe we could bridge this rift that has formed between us… this gap… or…maybe we just have to go on our separate ways…" she whispered.

In a flash, he was holding her, embracing her so tight Kaoru couldn't even move or breathe, she could never find the strength to fight back or put a distance between them. No, not when she had sensed him shaking underneath her touch, no, not after she had felt his tears run at the base of her neck, no not when she had sensed the desperation and urgency in voice.

"Kaoru… onegai… onegai! Don't leave me… Onegai Kaoru! Don't leave me… Don't kill me…"

She was shocked to say the least on how her life had a great effect with his. She wanted to break down in front of him, to hug him and to tell him that everything was alright, that she already forgave him… but then, she wanted him to realize that not only she was important, nut their children as well. That he had to know that his life wasn't centered on atonement, but on his family, with Kiriko, with Kenji, with her…

"I don't know Kenshin… Maybe we should do something… you should take time for your children… not necessarily for me, but for them … I don't know how you could do it, but maybe it's the only possible way for us to be together again…"

TBC…

Wow… words alone could really suck right? I cant believe how painful I did their dialogue…

Stix and Stones might break my bones, but words can NEVER hurt me… True or untrue? You decide!

Go on! Leave a review::Winks: Here's a short preview to the next chapter:

He found her gently coddling a wailing Kiriko in her lap. It seemed to him that the little one had a nightmare. Kenji was there, sitting wide-eyed beside his mother. He couldn't make out the words that where tumbling from her mouth for He could never understand baby talk. But Kaoru still continued to rock her, pacifying her childish wails. For a moment, he stood still on the door, not wanting to intrude in a somehow exclusive moment made for mother-children. His ears strained to hear her babbles wanting to know what had caused his child's nightmare. Nightmares were, after all, only for grown up men like him, where it didn't matter if the devil stalked you at night. But Kiriko was still a child, still innocent on how ugly and filthy the world had become. No, he wouldn't allow nightmares to taint his pure child, to ever be given the chance of becoming just like him…

Tut! Tut! What's gonna happen next?

Review okayish?

Blue