DISCLAIMERS: I do not own LOTR or New Line Cinemas, and I do not own any of the character names, places names, etc. Occasional joke credit goes to jerry the frog productions .com, Angry Kid videos, the scooby doo movie, and potter puppet pals .com (I believe there's a reference to them somewhere in this story)(can you spot all the refs? x.x), but most of them came from our minds. Any similarities between these characters and real people (except the people it is about who have full knowledge of it) are completely imagined. Merry and/or Aragorn lovers should take the warning that we make fun of them a bit, but that in reality we love their characters.
PLEASE NOTE: This is not supposed to be serious in any way, shape, or form. I love LOTR, the books AND the movies, and this is NOT supposed to be an accurate representation of Tolkien's or Peter Jackson's work. It's supposed to be a joke, as the section "parody" suggests- I repeat, do not take this seriously, and please no flamers on this! Thank you!
CH. 3: We're off to see the Wizard
"Well, I think we found where the Rohirram killed those orcs!" said Aragorn happily, looking at the huge pile of charred bodies.
"Ya think!" said Gilraen in exasperation as she jumped off her pony. Alatriel jumped off her horse and leaned down to whisper to Gilraen.
"I think they're gone already."
Gimli began rooting through the pile as she spoke. He couldn't find anything but a small belt, and turned to Aragorn and shrugged. Aragorn kicked a discarded orc helmet and gave a loud cry as he sank to his knees. Gilraen walked over and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I know. You're consumed with the agony of not finding Pippin."
Aragorn shook his head. "No," he said through his teeth. "I just broke my toe..."
"Oh." Gilraen's hand flew from his shoulder. She walked back to her pony, muttering "What a baby."
Alatriel wandered to the edge of the forest and looked up at it. "So, I guess we're going in there, huh..."
"Yup," said Legolas, coming to stand with her.
Alatriel turned to the others and looked them over: Aragorn, still on the ground, moaning "Ow, ow, ow,", Gimli standing next to him examining his ax, and Gilraen digging through her bag for a snack.
"Ok, if we're going in there," said Alatriel. "We might as well make this easier for everyone." She grabbed Gimli's ax and threw it on top of the orc pile before walking calmly back over to Legolas. "What should make the trees feel a little better," she said happily.
Gimli, meanwhile, seemed to be having a spasm. His hands looked like they were still holding an ax, and he was stuttering.
"Oh, come on, Gimli, suck it up!" said Gilraen. When he didn't, she sighed, leapt lightly to the top of the pile and grabbed the ax. She held it out to him, and he snatched it with a crazy gleam in his eye saying, "MY ax!", and hugged it. Gilraen looked at Alatriel, who shrugged.
"Ok, then, lets go!" said Legolas, and started walking into the forest.
"Hello? Doesn't anybody care I'm wounded here?" yelled Aragorn, who was still clutching his foot on the ground.
"No, not really- you've acted through it so far," said Gilraen as she followed Legolas and Alatriel. Aragorn sat there grumbling for a few seconds more before getting up and running after them.
--- --- --- ---
"It's dark in here," commented Alatriel, sidestepping around a huge tree root.
"Ah, yes it is!" said Gilraen, making her jump. Alatriel blinked at the strange way of talking, then turned to Aragorn.
"Is your foot better now? You had said it was hurt when you kicked that helmet."
Aragorn looked blankly at her and cocked his head. "I did?"
Legolas put his hand on Alatriel's shoulder (she was staring at clueless Aragorn, who was now talking placidly to a nearby tree). "It would be best if you left him alone now," he whispered. Alatriel nodded energetically.
Gimli stomped through a bush over to them, holding a map in front of him and mumbling to himself. "Lets see, where's the nearest pub- hey!" Gilraen had grabbed the map and was holding it (upside down) before her.
"Ahh," she said mysteriously, examining it closely and pointing at the labels on the map. "What are these straaaaaange maaaaaaarkings?"
Gimli reached up and turned it right side up. "Words," he grunted.
"Ahhhhhh," said Gilraen, her eyes and mouth opening very wide. "Woooords..."
Alatriel put her head in her hand and shook it in exasperation (Aragorn continued his obviously informative conversation with the tree). "Well," said Alatriel. "We better start trying to find Pippin. Something wrong Legolas?"
The elf was standing off to the side, completely rigid, staring straight ahead. Aragorn noticed, said goodbye to the tree, and went over to him.
"The white wizard approaches," the elf whispered.
"Oh shoot," mumbled Aragorn and drew his sword slowly. Gimli fingered his ax, and Legolas, Gilraen and Alatriel drew their bows.
"On the count of turn..." whispered Alatriel. "Wait for it..."
"TURN!" shouted Gilraen, and everyone spun around brandishing their weapons. A bright light shone in front of them, concealing someone or something. Gimli threw a small ax at it, and the tree with arrows let them fly. All were shattered by the mystery figure (except Gilraen's, which hit a bush ten feet to the side of the mark). Aragorn's sword suddenly glowed red hot; he cried out, dropped it, and stuck his finger in his mouth muttering, "Ow, ow, ow,"
"You are tracking the footsteps of oh!" The figure's echoing voice was cut short suddenly because both Alatriel and Gilraen had run up and hugged him.
"Yay, it's Gandalf!" said Alatriel happily, her arms wrapped around him from behind.
Aragorn did a double take, then pointed at the now white-robed wizard. "Hey, look, it's Gandalf!" Everyone, even the two ecstatic girls, stared at him. "What?" Aragorn asked, backing away a little.
"Don't mind him. So, how was death?" asked Gilraen. Gandalf looked down at her where she was hugging his knees.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Never mind, lets just get to the important thing: where is Pippin!" Gilraen pulled urgently on Gandalf's cloak.
"Um," Gandalf fell silent for a moment. "They're with Treebeard, that way." He pointed vaguely into the woods. Gilraen clapped her hands and stepped back, grabbing Alatriel's cloak and dragging her with her.
"Lets go!" she cried happily. Alatriel just barely managed to grab Legolas's arm before Gilraen yelled, "TELEPORT!" and they all disappeared in a blinding light.
As the blue-black oval dissipated, Gandalf walked over to Gimli, who asked, "Where'd they go?"
"To Pippin, obviously," answered Gandalf, now walking over to Aragorn (who was standing at the spot where they had disappeared, mouth agape, obviously dazzled by the light).
"Aragorn?" Gandalf waved a hand in front of the ranger's face. When he didn't move, Gandalf shrugged and turned to walk the other way, followed closely by Gimli. "I'm sure we'll meet them again," whispered Gandalf as he left.
--- --- --- ---
"I had the loveliest dream last night," Pippin said happily. He was leaning against a huge moss-covered tree, holding a large wooden bowl filled with liquid on his lap. Merry glanced over at him from where he sat in a pile of leaves, then got up and stretched.
"There was a room, full of pipeweed. And we smoked all of it!" Pippin chuckled at the memory of it. "And then...you were sick."
Merry wasn't listening anymore, however. "Somethin's not right here," he murmured. The forest had indeed suddenly grown completely still and quiet.
Suddenly, a blue-black oval appeared right behind Merry. By the time he realized what Pippin was staring at, a blinding flash followed by a happy cry of "PIPPIN!" rang out. When the light cleared, Alatriel and Legolas were standing a few feet from Merry and Gilraen had Pippin locked in a bear hug. Their heights had barely an inch in difference.
Merry stared as the two elves looked around the forest. "Yup, this is the place!" said Alatriel, nodding and releasing Legolas's arm. Legolas nodded faintly, and went off a little ways to admire the old forest.
"Gilraen, let him breath!" exclaimed Alatriel suddenly. Merry ran over to Pippin, who was turning blue, and pried the girl off him. Gilraen fell backwards into the pile of leaves and sat staring dreamily at Pippin. As Merry stood in front of Pippin and brushed him off, he realized something.
"You're...you're taller!"
Pippin took his eyes off the two strange girls to look curiously at Merry. "Than what?"
"Than him," said Alatriel from below them.
"But I've always been...wait...no I haven't!" said Pippin brightly. He stretched a little, and an Ent-like groan echoed through the clearing. Gilraen's eyes widened and she leaned forward eagerly. Alatriel crumbled up a piece of lembas in her hand and was eating it very fast, as though watching an exciting sword fight, and was looking from Merry to Pippin.
"Oh, I'm pushing three eight, now!" said Pippin in excitement. Merry was in shock, but he recovered when he spotted the bowl Pippin had been drinking from. He grabbed it, but right when he did, thundering footsteps announced Treebeard's return.
"Don't drink that, you rather dim-witted...um...um...um..." Treebeard seemed at a loss for words.
"Hobbit?" suggested Alatriel.
"Hobbit, yes. And who are you two beings?" Treebeard asked in his usual slowness.
"I'm Alatriel, this," She pulled Gilraen up by her cloak neck. "Is Gilraen, and that over there is Legolas, and we're late for the Entmoot!"
Treebeard appeared clueless, but seemed to remember why he had come back. "Ah, yes, that's right. Come little hobbits, we must go to...um...um...um..."
"Entmoot," said Alatriel, and ran up Treebeard's arm with Legolas and Gilraen as the Ent picked up the two hobbits in both hands.
--- --- --- ---
A few hours later, the sun was setting in the distance. The Ents stood in a circle around a large stone, swaying slowly in the breeze, groaning from time to time. The silence had become almost creepy when-
"MARCO!"
Treebeard jerked out of the stupor he had fallen into as a sickening crash echoed around the Entmoot. He turned slowly and saw Alatriel face first in a tree, the others darting around behind her. The elf pulled herself out of the imprint she had made on the tree, staggered, then waved enthusiastically at nothing.
"I'm ok!" she called. A piece of cloth was bound over her eyes, and she swung around towards the others with her arms out in front of her.
"MARCO!" she yelled again.
"POLO!" yelled the others, jumping away from Alatriel's blindly searching hands.
Treebeard started to hit his head with his hand, but fell asleep halfway through.
"I got ya!" Alatriel cried, laughing as she tackled Legolas to the ground and hugged him.
"Um, yes, you did," said Legolas, blushing. He tried to get back up, but Alatriel was still latched around his middle. "Maybe we should do something else," he muttered.
"Good idea," said Gilraen. "Merry, why don't you go see how the Ents are doing while the rest of us sleep?"
"Oh, ok," said Merry, and went off to do so. Gilraen watched him go to the center of the circle and wake up Treebeard before turning to the others with an evil grin.
"Well, now that he can't stare at me...PIPPIN!" She tackled the hobbit to the ground and hugged him tightly.
---Author's note: Not much to say this time around…time for my usual note: If you like it, review please! Thank you to anyone who did read and like it and review, and I think that's all of my rambling… That's it until next time!
P.S. I am very open to corrections of names of places or characters, although I might tweak things a little time-wise to make them fit with certain jokes I attempt.