CHAPTER 7

16TH PRECINCT
SUNDAY, JUNE 23RD
9:00 A.M.

Cragen watched Olivia's eyes as she entered the deserted squad room. They widened slightly and shied away from the desk she shared with Elliot. There was a fear there that he never thought he'd see in his strong detective. He remembered his words to Huang just three days ago about tearing down walls. He sighed heavily. Rubble indeed.

He walked out to greet Olivia and guide her into one the interview rooms. "Thank you for coming in today, Liv. You didn't have to come back so soon. How's the head?"

She shrugged listlessly, looking at the floor. "Standard concussion. Doctor released me." She sat at the table across from Cragen. "I don't remember a lot. What I do remember... I... I don't want to." She looked up at him, her chocolate eyes eloquent with her fear, pain and confusion. "I just... I need to know what happened, and why."

He slid a fat manila folder across to her. "Here's the entire case file. I know you'll want to read it at some point, but I'll give you the short version. The man that did this to you is Chris Keller, also known as inmate 98K514 at the Oswald State Penitentiary – serving 88 years for felony murder, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, you name it. A few months ago, he confessed to three unsolved slayings in New England somewhere. He was being transferred from Oz to New Hampshire to stand trial when he escaped. Manhunt lost him until he turned up here. My god, Liv, we were lucky. This guy's a serial killer. A true sociopath, a sexual predator, and a manipulative bastard. When I think of how easily we could have lost you...," Cragen looked away to hide the tears in his eyes.

"I... I don't understand. This Keller...I mean...it was Elliot. It was him, but it wasn't. And then there were two... I just, I'm confused, Don. How?"

The captain quickly controlled his emotions and steeled himself to share the hardest part of the story. "Thirty-six years ago, two uniforms came on scene at a frequent-flier domestic. They heard gunshots. Entered the apartment and found one Mary Ellen Keller, aged 25, deceased in the bedroom. She had been beaten, raped and stabbed repeatedly. Perp was the husband, John Christopher Keller, aged 29. He appeared to have been caught in the act, pants still down. COD was multiple gunshot wounds to the head. Blew his head half off." He paused and caught her eye. "Olivia, two minor children were found in the room. Christopher Keller and Elliot Keller – identical twins, just turned six. They... they were beaten and signs indicated long-term abuse... including sexual. The older boy was still holding the gun when the cops arrived.

They separated the boys. Christopher went to Spofford Juvenile Center, though it was still called Spofford Youth House then. There wasn't a lot of therapy or rehabilitation in those days. Just punishment. Between the family abuse, the institutional apathy and trying to survive the other juvenile inmates from such a young age, he was irreparably warped. His shrink from Oz, Sister Peter Marie, had been trying to work through his problems with him. She seems to think there's a biological aspect to his behavior as well as a sociological one. Records indicate the father was a psychopath – violent tendencies from a chemical imbalance or some such thing. Sister Pete says Keller showed indications of psychopathy AND sociopathy – he was a genetically twisted kid that got worse after exposure to the worst." He paused, gauging her reactions before continuing, "Sister Pete's sessions with Keller revealed a long-held resentment towards his younger brother. At first, Keller tried to protect him from the abuse, including the sexual stuff, so he ended up bearing the brunt of it all. The night the parents died, apparently the father was going for Elliot, determined to finally have him. Chris stepped in and both got a violent beating before the mom intervened."

He paused again, shaking his head. "Over the years, Keller's protective instinct soured and he began to blame his brother for, well, everything bad that had happened to him, starting with the rapes. And, of course, he blamed Sister Pete for dredging it all up. Sick bastard played some truly nasty mind games with her before his escape. And then took out his rage against her on the sisters at the Sacred Heart home. Well, that's the most of it..." Cragen trailed off.

"Oh, Captain." Olivia's voice broke. "Why didn't...he never told me. He never said one word."

"Liv, he didn't know, didn't remember," the captain sighed. "Christopher went to Spofford because he was the shooter. Elliot was an innocent victim, so they took him to Sacred Heart. The nuns gave him a lot of love and support. Six months later, he was adopted by an exceptional couple, Jack and Maureen Stabler. They brought him into a loving home where he had brothers and sisters, a strong faith and a true sense of protection for the first time in his young life. Because he was so young, he quickly assimilated into their family as though he'd always been there. Until this week, he didn't know he'd ever been anyone but Elliot Stabler. Huang said the early horrors were so deeply repressed that any stray memories bubbling to the surface felt like nothing more than terribly bad dreams."

"His nightmares! Oh, Elliot, no."

"Yeah. So, now you know everything. The files will be here if and when you feel ready to read them. Keller's back at Oz. Between the New England kills and his latest work here, he got an upgrade to death row accommodations. We don't need your full statement until you feel up to it – Keller's not going anywhere in the mean time. Elliot will be out for several months – mandatory leave – and is seeing a shrink. He's got a lot to deal with. I'd like you to do the same. Take some time off, talk to Huang or someone, whatever it takes to get through this. Whenever you are ready, your desk is waiting for you. And, Olivia? If you need to, call me. Call me or Munch or Fin. We're all here for you."

HUANG'S OFFICE
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27TH
11:00 A.M.

"...I just want things to go back the way they were, you know? I need to get back to work, to do my job, but every time I show up there I feel like the whole room is waiting for me to fall apart, or freak out, or... or something. I hate it!"

George nodded. "You feel powerless and resent your colleagues and friends for 'coddling' you. That's a perfectly natural reaction. As time goes on, they'll recognize that you are still as strong and capable as ever and they'll lighten up. In the mean time, let's talk about work. Are you off desk duty?" At the slight nod, he continued. "And how are you handling that aspect of things?"

"Not as well as I used to, I guess. The things we investigate, the stuff that used to stick to me and make me work that much harder to catch the bad guys... sometimes that's just overwhelming now. It pains me to admit it, but I guess I am more fragile. And that pisses me off!" A sigh escapes. "Most of all, though, I miss my best friend. I miss my partner and I miss my regular assignment. Don't get me wrong, Detective Davison is a great cop and a good guy, but it is so hard looking across the desk each day and seeing him sitting there instead of... God. It's been three months. I should be over this. I'm stronger than this. I just wish we could talk. Wish we could be Benson and Stabler again. Olivia and Elliot. Sharing a beer, laughing at an inside joke, mocking the way Fin and Munch fight like old married people. I wish I could get over this fear and just talk. It's too soon though. At this point, I don't think I'm ready and I don't want to push... Listen, I know you've seen us both, Doc, and I won't ask what you two talk about... but please... How is she?"

Huang looked into the tortured blue eyes and softly replied, "She's getting there, Elliot, but it's a long road to go. She started back at the 1-6 last week. Fin and John are watching out for her. So's the captain. She'll be all right with time, just like you will. And she misses you too, but you are right. It is too soon." Huang pressed his lips tightly together to compose himself. It wasn't totally professional to be this emotionally invested, but these were his friends – and they each had insisted that George was the only shrink they trusted enough to shrink them. It just made it harder to keep his cool, aloof psychiatrist mask in place. With a deep breath and a mental readjustment of the mask, he continued. "So, last time you mentioned that your nightmares were less frequent since we've been working through your memories. How have they been this week?"

HUANG'S OFFICE
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30TH
2:00 P.M.

"Olivia, it's perfectly normal. A lot of people that have been through a highly traumatic emotional experience find it difficult to share their feelings and emotions. You shouldn't be embarrassed about it, and you shouldn't be afraid to share – with me in session or with any of your friends, if you need to. You know those guys would do anything for you if you ask," he smiled.

Olivia laughed at the absurd mental image of Munch, Fin and Cragen jumping to do her bidding. "I don't think that's necessary," she said before trailing off into an uncomfortable silence.

"Don't be afraid to laugh again, Olivia. Don't be scared to live again or feel happy, even for brief moments. You're allowed. In fact, it's important that you do. That means you are healing. Okay?" She nodded. "Good. Now, let's talk."

She took a deep breath and steeled herself to share her innermost fears. "Well, it has to do with my mother. From the first time I realized where I came from and how I was conceived, I was petrified that I'd end up like her. It's one of the reasons I became a police officer, definitely the reason I joined the SVU. I purposely face my worst fears every day in dealing with rapists and their victims. And every time I put one away, I win. I beat my fears. I wouldn't be a victim like my mother because I'm stronger. Well, I was stronger. Now... now, I'm just weak. Another victim. Another victim named Benson," she stopped and shook her head. "I... I don't want to talk about that any more today."

"It's okay," Huang responded, "we're making progress, so we can come back to it another day. What else would you like to talk about? I'm here to help you, so whatever you are most comfortable with."

"I... I guess we should talk about Elliot and me. George, we weren't just partners, we were best friends. Now I don't know where we stand. I mean, I can't picture his face without remembering. I know it wasn't him. I know this, but I still have this... this panic when I see a photo of us, or if I imagine his face or voice. Even though I know it was Keller who did this to me, in my mind, all I see is Elliot. I keep feeling the same shock and betrayal I felt then. I know it isn't Elliot's fault. But I'm... I'm afraid of him," she paused, choked up, her eyes brimming.

"Olivia, you were brutally violated. That alone takes a long time to get over. But, the fact that the perpetrator looked and sounded exactly like someone you've known and worked with for years, someone you trust with your life? Frankly, I'm impressed with how very well you are handling this."

"I just feel so useless and weak. I'm not able to do my job as well as before and I can't be there to help my best friend through the hardest thing he's ever had to face. Since we became partners, I've been there for Elliot. No matter what happened, at work or in his personal life, I was there to support him – just like he's been there for me. Now, I'm torn between needing to be there for him, needing him here for me and being stone-petrified of seeing him and reliving it all. It isn't his fault he looks exactly like the man that did this to me, but I still can't... I can't face him. George, I don't want to lose him, but I think he's already lost to me," she broke off, sobbing quietly.

Huang kicked his professional demeanor to the curb and gathered his crying friend gently in his arms., whispering, "Shhh... shhh... it's okay, Olivia. That's enough for today. You're doing wonderful, and I promise that things will get better. I promise."