Sleep was the only thing I did. I was tired, even when I couldn't imagine ever being tired again. Darry finally left and started working again. I thought I'd never convince him that I was okay. I knew Darry would be more protective than ever since I came so close to dying.

I missed Soda. I wished he could have come to see me. He would entertain me during the long, boring hours I spent awake. I was beginning to feel better about his death, but there was nothing that could fill the hole that was in my heart, where Soda would be if he were alive. No one would ever replace him. I would love more people, but there would still be the place where Soda had in my heart that couldn't be filled.

Darry came in around 5:15 that night. I had missed him. For once, I wasn't sleeping forever and I was bored. Besides, I miss being away from my brother. It worries me when I haven't seen him for a while, like something happened.

"Hey, Pony. How you feeling?" Darry asked as he walked inside.

"Fine. Bored, but fine."

Darry smiled. "Well, I might be able to help fix that."

He took a few things out of the paper bag he was carrying. One was a notebook. One was a sketchbook, and the other, was a copy of "Across Five Aprils."

He walked over to my bed and laid them out for me.

"What do you think?"

"Am I dying?"

He laughed. "No. I just thought it would be something nice to get you to help pass the time. You'll be able to go home soon, but you'll still be on bed rest."

"Oh, great. Thanks, Darry. I appreciate it."

He punched my shoulder. "No problem, kiddo."

I stared at the notebook. I opened it up, looking at the blank white sheets. A sigh escaped my lips.

"What is it? Is it the wrong kind? I can exchange it for a better one."

"No. No, it's not that. It's just. . ."

"What?"

"The last time I wrote was when Johnny and Dallas died. I wrote about the days before their death, and a few that followed."

"When was this?"

"A few days after they died. That was the theme I had to write. I wrote it about them."

"May I read it sometime?"

"Yeah, if you want. It's in the top drawer on my desk."

"Did you. . .did you write about me?" Darry asked timidly.

I looked at him. What did he think? Of course I had.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just, it was. . .was my fault."

"What?"

"It was! It was all my fault! If I hadn't hit you, you wouldn't have run away. You wouldn't have been there when the church burned down! Johnny wouldn't have gotten hurt. Johnny would still be alive! And since he would, so would Dallas! Hell, I don't know, maybe Soda would be, too. It's all my fault. It's my fault you're here in the hospital. Everything is my own damn fault. You shouldn't suffer because my own stupid actions. You deserve better than me!"

"Darry. . ."

"Don't try to tell me different! I know the truth. It was my fault!"

"Darry, it was my fault, not yours. I was late coming home. If I hadn't fallen asleep in the lot, you would never have hit me. See? It wasn't your fault. It was mine. And besides, when I saw my brother getting attacked, what did you think I was going to do? Just run away and hide? No! You needed me, and I was there. I'm fine, Darry, honest. Don't beat yourself over this, because you're one person I can't fight off for you."

Darry began to cry. He dropped down on the bed beside me. I patted his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Pony. I never meant for this to happen. I thought you were getting beat up. But it was one of them. They tricked me! They weren't really beating him up. They knew my name. They knew I'd come save you. But it wasn't you! It was them. If I hadn't fallen for their trick, you wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's my fault, Pony. I'm so sorry."

"Sh. Shut up about that. What's done is done. It's not your fault. You didn't know they had a gun. I'm all right now, Darry."

"But you almost died! I watched you. You were so pale and lifeless. I thought I'd die with you. But suddenly, they fixed you and you were okay. But you came so close to death. You could have died, and it would have been my fault."

He was in hysterics. It all came flooding back to him, and he was going crazy. Darry was so scared that I would die, but I hadn't. I think he just finally realized all that had happened, and it was scaring him to death.

"Darry, calm down. I'm fine. We're fine. Sh, it's okay." I said as I patted his shoulder.

He got up higher and drew me in a hug. I knew he was afraid of losing me, but I wouldn't.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Pony."

"I'm right here, Darry. I'm not going anywhere."

He squeezed me tighter, as though reassuring himself that I was there. I was there, and I wasn't going anywhere.