"Harry, quit that," said Hermione, snapping. Harry was sitting across from her and Ron in the library—he and Ginny were ripping the pages out of books and bewitching them to float around and give whoever they hit an electric shock.

"Harry," said Hermione. Ron was sitting across from him, smirking into the book he was reading, trying to avoid laughing.

"WHEN I CATCH WHO'S DOING THIS," screamed Madam Pince, the librarian. "I'M GOING TO HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION!"

Harry and Ginny avoided her glare as she walked past them with an angry-looking group of Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff third-year, whose hair was smoking and looked confused. Hermione sat across from them with her eyebrow raised, clearly saying "See what you've done?" with her gaze. Ron stifled a giggle. Hermione glared at her red-haired boyfriend.

"This is serious, Harry," said Hermione. "You see, this is why we can never get anything done. You never helped me with Buckbeak's trial, you never helped with SPEW, you never helped me with—well, AND I ALWAYS HELPED YOU! Remember the Accio charm? Remember? And not to mention you never even study for your own exams—"

"Hermione, the Ravenclaws are looking at us again," said Ron, looking worried.

"Shut up, MUM," said Ginny, looking sour. She and Harry went back to their books, but they could hear Hermione nearly growling from across the table.

"God," Harry heard Ginny mutter to herself. She was shaking her head at her book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, by someone named Dr. Phil.

"Hermione, this is absolutely crap," said Ginny, throwing it down on the table.

"Well...it's quite popular in America," muttered Hermione, turning a little pink.

"Among wizards, or muggles," Ginny asked sharply. "Because they keep mentioning a 'marcowave' and I have no idea what that is."

"Microwave," Harry corrected. "It—cooks food," he finished, after receiving a dirty look from his girlfriend.

"Yeah, well I don't care," said Ginny. "Honestly, I don't have any idea what this can do to help the...my little...situation."

"Wait a minute," said Hermione, grabbing it. "Oh, this one was mine."

They stared at her, confused.

"Well...I picked up some things to read for when my—you know, situation...arrives."

They all looked at her like she was crazy, when finally, after a moment of awkward silence, Ron burst out laughing.

For the third time that day, the Ravenclaws glared at them. A group of Hufflepuff's sitting in a table down from them glared jealously, because they were too frightened to laugh in the presence of Ravenclaws.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Nigel (Ron's minion) appeared behind a stack of books.

"Sir?"

"Yes Nigel," Ron said without looking up from his book, All-American Girl by muggle author Meg Cabot, which Hermione was making him read.

"I was told to find you sir," he said. "I looked all evening, it took ages, I haven't eaten in hours—"

He was staring at Harry with wide-eyed admiration. Harry tried to ignore it, but Ginny glared at him in a "don't even think about it" sort of way.

"—Ron, you really should let the boy go," said Hermione, reading Interview With The Vampire, by Anne Rice. "It's really just like slavery, you know, the way he follows you around calling you 'sir'. Honestly, you haven't learned anything from SPEW—"

"My subjects happen to consider it an honor to serve their king," said Ron. "Thank you very much."

"Ugh, king—"

"Their name, not mine—"

"—and so I finally found you," Nigel continued without stopping. "And they told me to bring you to the Great Hall before they got here, but I'm afraid it might be too late, I can't remember when they stopped me—"

"Nigel, stop it please," said Ron.

"Hey, Nigel, can you go get me a bottle of water?" Ginny asked.

"Honestly," said Hermione.

"But they're coming now," said Nigel, stomping his foot, still staring at Harry.

"What are you on about, Nigel?" asked Ron. "Either tell us what you're doing here, or bugger off."

"—Luna and her husband, sir," said Nigel. "She wants to see you. She ordered it."

Hermione looked up from her book with a confused look on her face. "She ordered it?"

"Yes," said Nigel, looking nervously away from them. "She didn't really say how she had that power—because I told her sir, I told her that you were the king, and she was like—"

"Nigel, your point," Ron said.

"—Right, sorry, anyway—so she said that she ordered it, and that if I didn't listen to her then...then..."

"Then..." said Ron, trying to hurry the boy up.

"That she would..." he gulped. "Call my mother."

Ginny shot Harry a weird look, not understanding this—possibly because they didn't know Nigel's mother, but also because it didn't really seem like something Luna would do. Seeing, as it were, that she herself had an affair with a thirty-something year old man.

"Er," said Ron, looking wary. "Alright, I'll be right down."

"You better go now, Sir," said Nigel. "I mean, you don't know my mum or anything, but—"

"I wasn't under the impression that it was your place to make suggestions, Nigel," said Ron.

"RON," said Hermione. "Leave the boy alone."

"Her Majesty is merciful," said Nigel, making a bow.

"No, Nigel, please don't do that—"

"If I have angered you in some way, your majesty, I'm eternally regretful—"

"Nigel, quit calling me 'your majesty', I'm not a que—"

"I'm sorry, Your Grace," he said.

"NIGEL—"

"For God's sake, Hermione, just let him call you 'your majesty'—" Ron tried.

"This is completely ridiculous—" Hermione snapped, throwing her book down.

The Hufflepuff's were beginning to get nervous, and the Ravenclaws were bristling.

"You know what, I'm getting out of here before another fight starts up," said Hermione, glaring at him.

She, Harry, Ron, and Ginny got up from the table and walked out of the library; Hermione and Ron were still arguing quietly, but Ginny and Harry stayed behind them, trying not to spark their notice. Nigel, Harry noticed, was following them.

"Hey," said Harry, trying to get their attention as they walked through the corridors, argument slowly getting louder.

"You're such a hypocrite," said Ron, rolling his eyes.

"Hypocrite," she barked. "How, exactly, SIR, am I the hypocrite—"

"Bitch—"

"Oh God," Ginny muttered.

"ASSHOLE," Hermione yelled at him.

"Why don't you make yourself useful and go back to the library where you belong," said Ron.

"BURN!" Hermione hissed. "Warthog. Why don't you go roll around in your mother's pigpen?"

"Why don't you go sleep with Malfoy?"

Hermione grabbed his arm furiously and pulled him backwards.

"LISTEN YOU ARROGANT—"

Harry and Ginny stopped so they could argue, and continued to talk to each other.

"So what were you reading?" asked Ginny.

"Pride and Prejudice," said Harry. "What did you read?"

"Best Erotica of the year, or something like that," said Ginny. "Weird stuff."

"Anything I'd be into?"

"Not really," said Ginny.

"—AND YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, WALKING AROUND HERE LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE—!" Hermione shouted.

"—EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, NO MATTER WHERE WE GO—!" Ron shouted back.

"—YEAH WELL MAYBE IF YOU WOULD PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR OWN ASS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE—!"

"—WELL IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH THEN WHY DON'T YOU FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO ARGUE WITH—"

"—FINE!" Hermione screamed, hysterical. "THE BABY ISN'T YOURS ANYWAY—MAYBE IT IS DRACO'S!"

The hallway stopped.

Unfortunately for Draco, who happened to be walking up the hallway at that very moment with his arm over the shoulder of his girlfriend, Alex, you could hear everything Hermione had just said nearly perfectly.

Nigel's jaw dropped.

"Thou didst cheat on HIS HIGHNESS?" Nigel shouted, hysterical.

"Nigel," said Harry quickly. "You're dismissed."

"Yes—yes sir," said Nigel, looking in between Ron and Hermione.

Ron was staring at Hermione with an odd look on his face—instead of the wild fury that had been there when he had thought Harry had been with Hermione, there was this weird, twisted grin on his face. As suddenly as it appeared, it vanished.

Hermione, on the other hand, looked as if she did not mean to say that so loudly. Automatically, she seemed as if she was going to apologize, but before she could—

"Fine," said Ron, and without another word, he turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Harry looked in-between Ron and Hermione, who looked panicked. Ginny, however, was staring at Alex and Draco.

"Alex, I wouldn't—"

"Draco," said Alex, a bitter tone in her voice.

"Alex, she's a mudblood, you know how I feel about them—"

"REBEKAH!" Alex shouted. With a pop, Rebekah appeared.

"Yup," said Rebekah, looking tired.

"Draco's been cheating on me with the Granger person," said Alex, pointing at Draco. Draco's jaw dropped in an attempt to protest, but Rebekah cut him off.

"You prick," said Rebekah, glaring at him.

"She's a mudblood, Rebekah," said Alex. "A mudblood."

"God," said Rebekah, looking disgusted.

Hermione was so panic-stricken she didn't even notice what they were saying—Harry and Ginny, on the other hand, had their wands out.

"You bastard," said Rebekah, pulling Alex away.

"Alex," said Draco.

They disapparated with a crack.

"HARRY!" someone shouted.

It was Luna.

She was standing at the door wearing what looked like a yellow sun dress. She had sunglasses with big white frames on, had a suitcase floating behind her with a big red Disneyland sticker on it, and was grinning like a fool.

"HARRY!" she shouted. People were whispering behind their hands, pointing at her. Without another word, she gripped him in a life-crushing hug, and squealed.

"Harry, my husband would like to see you in his office," said Luna. "And so would I."

For a moment, he just stared at her.

"What—?"

"Come with me," she pulled him along with a death grip. Ginny, looking confused, followed after them.

"Harry, you can't even imagine how excited I am about all of this," she said. "Severus and I are ready to do anything—"

Harry shot Ginny a repulsed look. Ginny shook her head, and kept following.

"Right," said Luna, stopping in front of Snape's old office in the dungeons. "Severus?"

They entered the office, and Harry wasn't surprised to find Snape still in his old black cloak, not looking at all cheery.

"Luna..." said Snape, shooting her a dark look.

"Sevvie," said Luna. "Remember what I said..."

"This isn't a good idea," said Snape with a sigh.

"Sit, Harry," said Luna, and Harry collapsed in the chair.

Ginny stood in the corner, looking scared.

Snape sat down in his chair, glaring at Luna, who glared back just as sharply. Harry looked in-between the two, completely lost.

"Harry," said Snape slowly, in his foulest way. Ginny was in the back, nearly fainting at the sound of his voice. "I'm just going to be as quick with this as possible..."

Harry shot Ginny another look. Surely Snape wouldn't torture him right in front of Ginny.

"Your mother was hot, Harry," said Snape.

It took Harry a minute to process this. When he finally realized what Snape had just said, he threw up a little in his mouth.

"—Sorry, what?" said Harry, choking.

"Your mother, Harry—"

Why was Snape calling him Harry? What happened to Potter?

"—when I met her, we were only kids...I had grown up in a house where magic was shunned, and, when I arrived at Hogwarts for the first time, I had trouble coping to the difference..."

Harry was confused. Where was this going?

"Your mother, unfortunately, went to Gryffindor, and...I did, as you know, go to Slytherin..."

Ginny was squirming uncomfortably. Clearly, she was picking up something Harry wasn't.

"I fell in with the Slytherins, who seemed like my friends...when I joined the Death Eaters, I did it under their influence..."

Harry scoffed. Snape ignored it.

"Your mother, as I soon found out, was uncommonly kind to those with differences. Remus Lupin, I'm sure, could tell you this. We were some of the few who knew about Lupin's, er...furry little problem. She was different than most people in the school, and I just wanted to let you know that I loved her very much—"

Harry stared, completely oblivious as to how he should respond.

"—your mother was a Death Eater, Harry," said Snape.

Ginny choked back a laugh.

Harry kept staring.

"—she was an informal Death Eater. She was recruited by the Dark Lord near the end of our time at Hogwarts, and I thought, as did many people, that she was genuine. Finally, Voldemort gave me a top-secret assignment—I was to give your mother love potions."

Harry was absolutely speechless.

"—But I felt bad for Lily. I had been unkind to her in school, but she was always civil to me—I couldn't bring myself to give them to her. As she came out of her spell, an unfortunate thing happened..."

Harry's jaw dropped. Ginny was whimpering.

"—we made love."

Harry screamed.

Ginny gasped.

"WHAT?" Harry screeched, incredulous.

"Harry," said Snape calmly, rolling his eyes. "There's more—"

Harry put his hands over his ears. "I'm not listening I'm not listening I'm not listening—"

"You're my son, Harry," Snape said.

"I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING—"

But Harry heard him anyway.

"That's—that's IMPOSSIBLE!" said Harry. "Everybody's always saying I look like James—"

"Well, Harry, sometimes things are possible in fanficti—"

"You can't control the forces of love, Harry," said Luna.

"GOD, SHUT UP!" Harry shouted at her.

"Harry, I'm your new mommy!" Luna said. "I'm your step-mother, whether you like it or not, and you can't speak to us that way—"

Not wanting to hear another word, Harry turned on his heel, grabbed Ginny, and rushed out of the room.