Author's Note: 11/2/2005
Hey People! Thank you so much for the reviews, it's the only way I'm ever going to know if anyone is reading this that isn't required to by fear of me being in slapping distance. This is longer then the last part, I'm not so good at the breaks (I almost made it shorter) but I hope you like it. Read on!
Disclaimer: I own nothing; I don't even own the computer I'm typing this at. Sailormoon and her cohorts are all the property of the big brass in Japan.
All Men Are JERKS!
By DestinyManifested
Chapter 2: Round 2
Now I dont know about you, but when I get pissed, that feeling doesnt just go away when the object of my supreme hatred, is no longer in the room. Oh no, it festers and grows until, like in this case, every man I see is within a second of being bitch slapped across the street if they dare to even breathe on me funny. My brother, Im pretty sure I gave him grounds for a restraining order. One little kick and he's yelling Mom. Okay, to be honest, I might have punted him into the wall, but its not like I broke him or any- you know what never mind! The point is; I was still really pissed about D-that man! Yeah thats right, hes so low, he no longer has a name. So after my meeting with Him, I had no other choice but to do what I do naturally. I ate.
If you spotted me on the street, after wondering whether I had turrets for screaming at your staring, youd also be amazed to learn that I consume about as much as my entire body weight in food, per day. Isn't that cool. I beat humpback whales! I probably shouldnt be proud of that huh? Well fuck you Weight Watchers; anybody who comes between Sizzlers and me loses a vital organ! No one slows me down to the all you can eat bar, NO ONE!
So I headed for our local house of pancakes, to consume everything on the right side of the menu, when I was hindered by yet another honey. This one wasn't as tall or fine as D-that man, but he'd do. Complete opposites physically really. Blonde hair, green eyes (green, the new blue! Shut up, it is if I say it is) and he had a really nice...smile. Admit it, you thought I'd put ass, but I do notice other parts. Besides he was walking towards me, how could I check out his tush?
Anyways, I could tell he was going to talk to me because he had the look. Now for those of you who dont know the look, Ill explain it to you. Guys may not realize this, but when theyre about to hit on girls, they get, what my friends and I call, Tarzan face. Its this kind of, 'Me Tarzan you Jane lets get horizontal' thing that either makes the girl give an answering smile of: 'Oh yes!' or 'Oh God no!' I give way more nos then yes but I was in the mood to have my ego stroked so I gave a 'Oh sure, I'm not doing anything right now.' So we had the standard, guy wants my number, chat:
"Hi have I seen you around here before?" Yeah guys, for the love of God, try to be more original than this in the future. We know you havent seen us or youd have hit on us before.
"I dont think so, maybe you just know someone who looks like me."
"No, Ive never seen anyone as beautiful as you before." Better then the intro. and flattery is always good. If I wasnt positive I am the most beautiful girl hed ever seen, I might think he was spreading it on a little thick. Yeah, humbleness; not my thing!
"How sweet, my names Serena."
"I'm Andrew." (Ooh I like that name, so much better then D-that guy!)
"Do you want to sit down Andrew?" It's okay to make this offer, because I knew for a fact he wasnt going to sit down. He was here for my number, and only my number. If he sits down, it gives me way too much time to critique him and decide if hes a loser.
"No that's okay; I have to head over to the library it closes soon." Now I knew he was lying, but at least he was trying to appear smart. How did I know he was lying? It was 12 oclock in the afternoon. Back to the conversation!
"Oh okay well it was nice talking to you." At this point he had a one-minute opportunity to ask for my number. Short window, I had food to eat.
"Hey can I get your number? So we can continue this stimulating conversation." There was only one thing that was stimulated, and it wasn't the conversation. This guy needed to invest in a notebook. A big notebook.
"Sure.Here. Bye." What?There is nothing wrong with being abrupt; he's getting my number isn't he? And All You Can Eat, it was the food or him and I wanted pancakes!
"Oh thanks, bye." And he took off like a bat out of hell. It was just as well really. So many dessert trays, only so many hours in the day. Something had to be done!
Okay before I start again, you have to understand a very key element to my personality. Its called hostility. If you piss me off, you cannot be surprised if you suddenly discover my foot in your ass. Im bracing you for what's about to happen next, because I don't want you to be surprised. Now you have got to realize that what I'm about to tell you is not my fault right? I had no idea that things would turn out that way; I was a completely innocent bystander! Maybe it doesn't look that way on paper but- ya know what. I do not have to defend myself to you. At least not right now, I have to tell you what happened first. Remember that nothing was my fault!
Okay, just to let you skip another boring convo, I agreed to go out to dinner with Andrew. Remember him, cute blonde, IQ of a brussel-sprout? Likes to pretend he's literary to get chicks numbers? Well anyway he's even less interesting on the phone, but I did get a nice view of his ass when he jogged away, so I said yes to a first date. And everything went downhill from there. Keep in mind that nothing was my fault.
Let me just say, I looked so hot when he picked me up. My hair was perfect, wasn't doing that woo woo thing it likes to do to piss me off, I had new black Prada boots that looked soo amazing with my legs, and a really cute vintage teal baby doll dress. Im just trying to give you a preview of how beautiful I looked. Why? Because it's important for you to realize how lucky Andrew was that I said yes to the date. I dress to impress me; if I walk to my mirror and think, shit I look good, make no mistake, I look good. See thats the problem with other girls. They dress to impress their guy. Yeah right! Half the time guys look like they dress in the dark, and what is with the plaid thing? Say it with me boys, Armani. Do not expect to date me if you look like you woke up, looked in the mirror, decided, shit I look fine why bother, and walked out of your house. Not only will I laugh, I will cry because you smell. You cannot disguise funk with Old Spice; many of you try, whether you realized it or not you failed. I ask you, on behalf of everyone who will be forced to be near you, BATHE! DAILY!
Okay Im straying from the point.
The point is I looked good.
So we get in the car, do the small talk thing; you know, just standard bullshit diatribe that is necessary to make the date progress. ("Hi you look great." "I like your car." "No you cant meet my family they joined the circus this morning.") I get annoyed with that and start playing with the radio, and then an actually interesting conversation happens. Naturally I started it off with my classic eloquence.
"I cant believe you like that group, they hella suck."
"Well it's better then that cry baby music you were listening to; I know the damn rain forest is being destroyed, if they play that song one more fucking time, I'll light the damn trees myself."
"Oh please, I wouldnt get so attached to that group if I were you, I heard Russia is sending one of those little fuckers in to space, and with luck it'll spontaneously combust and they'll play it on the news over and over and-"
"Real nice, at least they try to be upbeat; we don't need songs to tell us the world sucks, if youre conscious, you know."
"I dont need music to make me upbeat, they have drugs for that now; say it with me Valium."
"You're propagating the myth that we need drugs to help society."
"Well thank you Tom Cruise. And you'd better embrace that propaganda because drugs are all that keep most of society sane. You should kiss the inventor of epidermal, because without him, your mother wouldve gone black widow on your dad during childbirth. Without Tylenol, no man I know would be alive."
"No one has convinced me yet that PMS really exists."
"Give me an hour, and when this shit wears off, I'll gladly convince you."
"Violence is never the answer."
"Then youre just not doing it right. What, did your parents strap you down and make you watch Barney all day as a child?"
"You have a very negative outlook, every heard of the bright side?"
"Guess my questions answered."
"Youre very beautiful you know that."
"Yes and distracting me from the argument doesn't end it."
"I want us to have a good time; I dont want to fight with you."
"Im having a nice time, arguing is how my people communicate."
"So you win."
"What do you mean I win?"
"Boy bands suck your music rules, obviously you know everything, and what the hell was I thinking?"
I was stumped. And a little disgusted. A few words and he folds like a house of cards. It was obvious he wasn't my ideal, who wants a man who won't fight back? My friends and I have been having the same argument for the last 6 years and not one of us has backed down yet. It's what made our friendship so close, whenever we ran out of things to say we resorted back to our favorite argument. And I still say Sailormoon could've kicked the other senshi's asses if she wanted to. She had the crystal right? Right. So back to my chicken-shit date...
"Why won't you defend your opinion?"
"Because it's N'SYNC and I just don't give that much of a shit to argue about it with you."
"We're very different."
"Yeah, something tells me you'd argue over who shot JFK."
"It was so a conspiracy by the government."
"The guy confessed."
"I'd confess if they threatened to shoot my ass too."
"You're doing it again."
"Fine, so choose your safe topic."
"Cheese."
What?
What?"
"I like cheese, I love Italian food, do you like cheese?"
"I'm lactose intolerant."
"You are not!"
"Okay fine Im not, but you better pick a better topic then that. At least something I could debate about."
"You really want to argue don't you?"
"It's the only way this date has a chance."
"Fine. I think women belong in the home"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
And so the night progressed. We argued through the ticket line, we argued through the movie, we argued about whose fault it was we were kicked out of the movie; we just kept at it. It was one of the best dates I'd ever had. That is, it was. See because its my life it couldn't just stay fun. Oh no, it just had to get shitty. And now, without further ado, enter 'The ASSHOLE'.
"Hey Meatball Head, didnt expect to see you here! Maim anyone on the drive up?"
The universe just couldn't let me stay happy. Oh no, Serena can't be happy, if Serena's happy then someone else is miserable and it's not as funny when it's not her! Why, out of all the restaurants in Tokyo did this jackass show up at this one? Was it fate? Do the fates want me to bitch slap this jerk into the next millennium? Well if they didn't then they really should've told him that McDonalds was the happening restaurant in town. Because he's about to get spayed the hard way! Serena winds up a fastball, and the pitch!
"Oh I didn't know this restaurant had an Asshole Day, do you get dinner for free or is it the Giant Prick Discount?"
"I didn't come to fight Meatball Head; I just came over to say hi. You know, its what people who aren't raised by shit throwing monkeys do."
"That reminds me, how are your parents Darien?"
"Real cute. Hey Andrew, how's it going?"
Oh God no.
"Andrew you know this putz?"
"We're in the same Advanced English class. Hey Darien, who did you come here with?"
"The red head that sits in front of you in English; Rita. We bumped into each other and decided to go to dinner."
"Rita's cool, she helped me cram for the midterm. Are you guys just friends or-?"
Oh please, I bet there isnt even a real girl; he's just using this as an excuse to wreck my date!
"There's no way she came with you just for your company. Is she blind or poor?"
"No, she just knows a real man when she sees one."
"Yeah, I guess she looks around you to see Andrew."
"Thanks Ser-"
"Quiet this doesn't concern you!"
You want to know what happened next? There actually was a girl. An astoundingly pretty girl. And she chose that moment to walk up and ruined everything!
"Darien our table is ready. Hey Andrew. Oh hi, Im Rita."
Dammit she was nice.
"Rita don't even bother speaking to it, its like talking into a brick wall!"
"How would you like to meet a brick wall? Head first!"
(Rita) "Whoa, whats with the hostility? Did you guys used to date?"
And the only time Darien and I will ever agree on anything:
"HELL NO!"
"They dont make drugs strong enough"
"Apparently they dont make contraceptive drugs strong enough or I wouldn't be stuck here arguing with you!"
"You know what Meatball Head-!"
"Get lost loser, I was having a perfectly great time with Andrew before you- Andrew? Where did he go?"
"If he's smart he ran screaming out of the city! Come on Rita let's- Rita?"
This didnt just happen! Tell me I was not just abandoned by my Prince Charming and left with the Village Idiot. When I open my eyes again, Darien will be gone, possibly struck by lightning and peed on by a dog, and Andrew will still be sitting at our table.
Oh no.
"You idiot, you made Andrew leave, you ruined our date!"
"Excuse me, my date ditched me too, this is just as much your fault as it is mine!"
"Who told you to come over and start a fight with me; you did it deliberately just to ruin my night!"
"I came over to say hi to a friend from school, little did I know that he was slumming tonight!"
"Oh please, how much did you have to pay Rita to get her to go out in public with you, is it a twenty for every stupid thing you say and a fifty for stupid things you do?"
"I dont know what Andrew was seeing when he asked you out, I wouldnt think hed stoop so low."
"He was seeing a beautiful blonde with a great rack and mile long legs! What was your date seeing, visions of dollar signs?"
"I dont have to pay women to go out with me, they take a number."
"Yeah a credit card number! Or maybe a nine hundred number, is Rita her real name or her phone alias?"
"I dont know why I bother talking to you; its such a waste of air!"
"I agree, here, stick your head in this garbage bag and well solve both are problems!"
"I wish I never ran into you on the street!"
"I wish I'd run into you with my car going 80!"
"Do you want to go get ice cream!"
"Okay fine!"
Now I know what youre thinking. And don't worry I don't understand how it happened either! I mean he is so annoying, and self-righteous, and such a spoiled little rich kid. But, girls, come on he is sooooo hot! I'm talking; hit your girlfriend in the back of the head with your purse to stop her from speaking to him first fine! That's a rare find in Japan we don't get imports. Do you know how manyforeign men refuse to come here when they realize they have to take a shit through a hole in the floor? It isonly in public places but still. I know I know, don't get me wrong I couldn't be prouder of my culture and heritage, but come on! There is nothing dignified to me about squatting like a chicken. And I don,t have great aim as is! Off topic, and EEW, and must focus...
So I agreed to ice cream. So what? He's rich he can afford it. And the way I eat, he's going to need that credit card. On dates I usually agree to pay half, because I eat enough to fill a dump truck and it's not pretty to see a grown man cry when he signs a check. But see, this wasn't a date. This was a dessert between the guy who chased away my date and me. And the very thought of that just made me ravenous.
Author: So what did ya think? If you loved, if you hated, write me a review pretty please. I'm young and I need compliments to survive. Besides, the more reviews, the quicker the chapters come out (HINT HINT). And trust me, you'll like the next part. . Ja ne!