Author's Note: What's up all! It's approaching midterm time so I'll be going on a brief hiatus to have a brain aneurysm, but I thought I'd leave ya a little something before the coma overtakes me. Anyone ever seen Pride and Prejudice? I'm talking the PBS 6 hour faithful following of the book' version. If not, rent it, once you get passed the hour of introducing all the characters, it rocks. And tonight I am taking a break from higher learning to drag my friends to the Keira Knightley version. Here's hoping it doesn't suck!
Oh! I saw Harry Potter Thursday night at midnight, 'cause I'm a dork, and it fucking rocks! They even kept my favorite part, which I figured they'd cut (when Fred or George ask Angelina to the ball) with some major alterations but it's still funny as hell. Though the audience… I'm in college, you're aware, and I know that even at midnight it was a mixed crowd and there were probably some youngins but dude, people were whistling and hooting at our main three! Eew, Old Heads! They're cute kids but come on people, that's just a little icky.
Anywho, everyone enjoy his or her Thanksgiving break, hope you have fun, Lord knows I'm insisting on it, and BE GOOD! Muah! .
-DestinyManifested
Disclaimer: I own things! None of the things mentioned in this particular work of fiction but I own things! I do! Don't believe me? Yeah, me either. I don't own Sailor Moon, any of the characters, Ex-lax, Eminem, The Dixie Chicks, or any other clothing or pop culture references referred to here in.
. Happy Reading
All Men Are JERKS
By DestinyManifested
Chapter Four: Less is More (But In This Case, It's Just Less)
I would just like to point out that I'm doing this all under duress. If Rei didn't have those freaky ass birds and Lita wasn't the world's only living Amazon, this would not be happening right now. If Mina didn't have great aim with a steel tipped stiletto and Ami didn't hold my scholarly future in her little bitty hands, I would be home singing along to "I Think My Dad's Gone Crazy." But no, they are all in my room and I am in the shower; trying unsuccessfully to drown myself, while they pick out my groveling outfit. And what is the song coming out of my speakers? "Earl Had to Die!" What self-respecting Japanese girl listens to country music? None! Want to know why? Because it sucks! I mean the Dixie Chicks aren't that bad, I like that "Wide Open Spaces" song, but most country music is some whiny ass loser bitching about how his wife ran off and took his truck/trailer park/or dog, with her! Who cares! I listen to Eminem; he's funny, he has great rhymes, and his songs aren't about the same damn thing over and over like that country crap. To male country music artists everywhere: FIND A NEW SHTICK YOU WHINY BASTARDS! DON'T BITCH IF SHE STOLE YOUR DOG, BITCH IF SHE ATE HIM! IF YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEW, GET KIDNAPPED SO SOME NEW SHIT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! Okay, I'm calm now, and this drowning thing is harder then it looked. So I guess I should just give up and face my executioners.
Okay the outfit they picked, in the words of Chandler Bing: Oh. My. God.
"So I see you've succeeded in finding me an outfit fit for a street walker."
Oh my Lord, you should see this outfit.
(Rei) "We're doing you a favor. The less cloth, the shorter the apology. Besides, it's cute."
Cute! It's a white spandex thing with a big ass dip in the front and a dark blue thing with a hemline that would fall just below my ass! It's a white body suit with a dark blue micro-mini skirt and some red go-go boots! Who the hell would wear this! I'd look like I was trying to be Captain America's Bitch!
"He's going to think I'm going to charge him!"
(Mina) "Hey, once you get in the place, it's up to you where the night goes."
"It's not going far, because I'm not going anywhere dressed like the American flag whore!"
(Lita) "What's wrong with the outfit?"
"Nothing if my name was Kiki Monroe! Do I look like a porn star to you? No one but Ami is allowed to answer that!"
(Ami) "I've seen you where worse stuff then this Serena, what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that I'm offering my forgiveness, not my ass! If you think I'm wearing that you've all become really good friends with Mary Jane because it's not happening!"
(Rei) "I can't believe that you of all people are chickening out on this. Darien is gorgeous, smart, funny, and successful. We all know he'd see this outfit eventually. At least if he were kind of kinky. So its a couple anniversary dates early, so what?"
"I cannot apologize to him in that, not only would I feel like a slut, he'll think I am one!"
(Lita) "Fine, we'll let you pick something out, but we all have to like it. And hurry the hell up, we want this all taken care of before Boston Public comes on."
So I was left with the responsibility of picking out my outfit. Can I just say, Thank God! My friends where trying to make me look like I was auditioning for a job as a concubine, or for Sharon Stone's understudy in Basic Instinct; not much of a stretch. I mean, yes, they were dressing me out of my own closet, but I don't wear any of those things all together. I mean there was that time I got wasted and-NEVERMIND! So the final outfit elimination process began.
(Long black dress)
(Mina) "He can't see anything, where the hell are your legs?"
"Again, I'm sorry, not slutty."
(Rei) "After what you pulled you should show up at his door wearing a thong and a smile."
"When I want your opinion Rei I'll give it to you."
(Short gray skirt, white glitter halter top)
(Ami) "You aren't going dancing afterwards are you?"
"Make up your damn minds! This is as low or as short as I'm willing to go!"
"Oh we all know that's not true."
"Rei, I swear to God-"
(Jeans and white peasant top)
(Lita) "Can I borrow that top?"
"Not if I'm wearing it over to his house."
"Okay, it looks stupid give it to me."
"Lita!"
(Ami) Tell ya what Sere; we'll give you a couple of hours to think about what you want to say, and wear, and then come back and get you."
"You trust me to think before I speak? Where have you been the entire span of our friendship Ames?"
(Ami) "I think you like this boy and our being gone may help you think of something to say that will come from your heart, as opposed to your mouth. We all know that runs on automatic pilot."
"Thanks. I think."
"Serena, you need to come off as apologetic. Sweet. Virginal even-"
"If she's a virgin, I'm the Pope!"
"Stuff it Rei!"
"Serena didn't come off as a virgin when she was one! Now-"
"Oh shut up, you should talk!"
"Besides why should she pretend to be all sugary sweet, that isn't her?"
"Gee thanks Lita."
"Bitch I'm defending you, shut the hell up. I mean come on Mina, changing yourself to suit a guy never works, you just end up pissed for having to pretend to be something I'm not."
I'm not?
"Lita when did you-?"
"My old boyfriend liked meek little girly girls and to catch him, I played along."
"You're almost 6'1; Mike Tyson is more of a girly girl then you!"
"Quiet cow, I'm telling a story! So I went along with it until I just couldn't take it anymore and started behaving normally. So he dumped me for not being his cute little stereotype and I baked him an Ex-lax cake, and we all lived happily ever after. Never fuck with a chef."
"Damn straight!"
"Yeah! Ami, since when do you support male sexism? You're being awfully quiet over there."
"I don't! I am against male misogyny, but I don't want to support any myth, be it the Bitch or the Virgin!"
(Mina) "But why not play off that male stupidity and use it to your advantage?"
"But propagating that myth; you can't get mad when guys act like idiots if you pretended at one time to be one! You're helping them believe their assholishness was okay. That's why men spend half their lives confused and the other half paying alimony; they don't know what women want because they don't know who we are".
"Yeah Mina, don't propagate the Sailor Moon myth."
"Sailor Moon myth?"
"You know the ditz who can't tie her own shoe but has hearts in her eyes will always get the dream guy because she's so innocent and pure. Men may die for that crap, but women die from it. I'd rather be thought of as the Bitch, then thought of as the Virgin. Even if I am one, I don't like the stereotypes that go along with it. I believe in being sweet on those rare occasions that I feel like it."
"Don't worry Rei, we all think of you as a giant bitch. Your rep is safe. Can we get back to me?"
"Oh shut up. We're single why don't you ask a woman who has a man and has had him for more then a year."
"Do we know such a woman?"
"You do. Your mother stupid!"
"Oh yeah."
"So, let me get this straight, you guys are admitting you were no help whatsoever and are leaving?"
"No, we're admitting you are beyond help and are going to go to the Shrine to watch Anime re-runs."
"Inuyasha is more important to you guys then my love life?"
"Don't forget Cowboy Bebop!"
"Bitch."
"Love you too!"
And so, I was abandoned when I needed them most. I make it sound like they left me at the hospital with a collapsed lung. Okay; technically, they abandoned me when they couldn't help me in the least. That better?
Okay so how do I approach him? The way the girls look at it is that I have a few options. In Ami's opinion, I can apologize profusely and ask him out to an apology dinner. Now I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like begging. I don't do begging, so scratch that. Lita suggested that I write an apology letter and offer to make him dinner. Now to me this sounds like begging and looking for a murder conviction all at once. I make people sign wavers before I allow them to eat anything I make. I can kill you cooking Easy Mac'. Rei suggested I just show up looking amazing and act like the whole thing never happened and be flirtatious. This would work, maybe, but I'm too worried he'll just think I'm a beautiful schizophrenic.
So what the hell am I going to do? You won't believe this, but I did what they suggested and actually tried asking a woman who actually has a man. My mother.
I'm kinda doomed aren't I?
End of Chapter Four
Author's Note: So I hope you liked your mini chapter all gift wrapped for Thanksgiving. Ah hell, I'm busy like a big dog, be happy I did any bloody thing. So, as always, the more reviews the longer the chapters (that's why this one is kinda teeny, y'all fell down on the reviewing, do you not love me anymore:SOB:). I give a decent guilt trip right? That's a hint for next chapter which you'll see sooner if I get reviews (these aren't subtle hints people, come on now). Happy Turkey/Tofurkey Day!