Author's Note: Hey All! I hope everyone had a chill Thanksgiving. Mine was good, my crazy auntie now refuses to leave our house and I'm about to hit her upside the head and lock her in a closet, but other then that, fun was had by all. Maybe it's just my family, do y'all have a family member that just embarrasses the hell out of you 'because they seem a bit…off? Not like "Heeerrrreee's Johnny!" off; more like "Who the hell are you talking too?" crazy? Anyway, ignore my prattle, here is Chapter 5, and thank you so much to 'nadja', you're my bestest review so far:Beams: Not that I don't love all my reviewers, you guys are so great and inspire me to keep posting and keep writing. Blessings .

11/29/05: Oh shit, I forgot the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: You know I own nothing. I know I own nothing. Now while I go sit in a corner and quietly cry, you read my story and leave me a review so I feel less pitiful. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko and 'Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair' is still owned by Whoopi Goldberg. I think. Or did it go out of business? Either way, it's not mine. Nor are any other name brand pop culture references that may be in here (Heaven's Wedding Gown, Dawson's Creek, 'Lady Marmalade', etc…). I also don't own that line of Jack Nicholson's; I believe it's from The Shining, or if you watch The Simpson's "The Shinin'".

All Men Are JERKS

By DestinyManifested

Recap of Chapter 4:

Okay so how do I approach him? The way the girls look at it is that I have a few options. In Ami's opinion, I can apologize profusely and ask him out to an apology dinner. Now I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like begging. I don't do begging, so scratch that. Lita suggested that I write an apology letter and offer to make him dinner. Now to me this sounds like begging and looking for a murder conviction all at once. I make people sign wavers before I allow them to eat anything I make. I can kill you cooking Easy Mac'. Rei suggested I just show up looking amazing and act like the whole thing never happened and be flirtatious. This would work, maybe, but I'm too worried he'll just think I'm a beautiful schizophrenic.

So what the hell am I going to do? You won't believe this, but I did what they suggested and actually tried asking a woman who actually has a man. My mother. Pray for me.

Chapter 5: Mama Said…Some Stuff

"Hi mom!"

"Hi hon, how did you do on your French test?"

Ah fuck.

"Mom I had a question to ask you."

"That's great dear, what did you get on your test? That one you spent all last Thursday night studying for at Rei's?"

Riiiiight. She means that Thursday that was started by Ami as "study night" and ended up as a Heaven's Wedding Gown DVD-athon thanks to, well, everyone else. So the next day I ended up playing heads or tails on all the true/false questions and answering all the sentences with French words I've heard in songs and movies. Which resulted in detention since my teacher thought I was hitting on the T.A. for a better grade (In my defense, I did NOT know what the lyrics to Lady Marmalade meant! I mean come on I don't know French!). Okay, I need an excuse, a diversion, a- SAMMY!

"Sammy! Look mom it's Sammy! We love Sammy; let's talk to Sammy! Hi Sammy!"

Okay, I know my brother is an annoying little putz who spends half his life vexing me and the other half with me using his head as a soccer ball, but occasionally, he has been known to be useful. These times happen as often as a total eclipse of the sun, but the time for him to be useful is now! So come on Sammy! Save me!

"I heard from my friend that you bombed your French test Ditz. How bad did you do?"

Okay, it's PUNTING TIME!

"Shut up you little amoeba! How do you even know, your not even in my grade!"

"My friend is your French T.A. doofus. By the way, he told me to mention that if that offer you made was still good he'll call you on Saturday. What offer exactly?

"Eeew! Shut up spore!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE FAILED! YOU SAID YOU STUDIED! IF THERE ISN'T A MAKE-UP TEST I'M GONNA-"

"There is Mom; I promise I'll try even harder on this one!"

Or ya know, try at all.

"TRY! IF YOU GET BELOW AN A ON THAT TEST SAMMY IS OUR ONLY CHANCE FOR GRANDCHILDREN BECAUSE YOU'LL BE GROUNDED SO LONG YOU'LL NEED BOTOX! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR YOUNG LADY?"

"Yes Drill Sergeant!"

"Oh shut up."

Thank God my mom can be defused with laughter, or I would have long since been a chalk outline on the floor. And Sammy is lucky he has strong lungs and we have weak pillows or I'd try death by asphyxiation tonight. Little stool pigeon.

"Mom, are you gonna let her get by without telling you the actual grade?"

Soon to be a little dead pigeon with its little body flushed down the toilet.

"Shut up Sammy! Ya know, I can't wait to watch Buffy tonight."

Sorry, I forgot to fill you in. This is big sister talk for "Expect an Ass-kicking Later You Little Shit." At this, my brother did what he'll be spending a good deal of later on tonight doing; he ran like a little bitch.

"Mom I'm spending the night at Niko's, see ya later!" SLAM!

Ya know, sometimes it just feels good to be me.

"So what was the grade?"

But then reality sets in and I realize why exactly it sucks.

"Grades, what's really important about grades in the grand scheme of things mom? I mean, I could go out tomorrow, take a test and then get hit by a bus. In the end, did my grade on the test really matter?"

"Yes."

"It does not! Are you telling me when the police showed up at the door to tell you your only daughter was run down by a big rig, you'd interrupt sobbing to ask 'So did she pass her final'?"

"Honey, I don't intend for your headstone to read 'Here Lies Serena, She Got An A On Her Chem. Final" but I might ask for an autopsy to be done on your brain to mass how much potential you have because judging by your grades and how you sleep through half your damn classes, I WON'T EVER KNOW OTHERWISE!"

Whoa and there she blows!

"YOU'RE SUCH A SMART ASS ALL THE TIME, YOU'D THINK THE SMART WOULD REFLECT IN YOUR GRADES! YOU'RE IN ONE OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN JAPAN AND YOU BARELY BRING HOME C'S! WHY CAN'T YOU-"

Yeah, it just keeps going. Once she gets started she's like Speedy Gonzalez on speed. As always, I'll fast forward to save you the pain of this 20-minute rant monologue. If only I could save myself.

"MOM TAKE A BREATH SO THAT I CAN ASK YOU A QUESTION!"

"NICE TRY, BUT I'M NOT DONE YELLING AT YOU YET! IF YOU COULD JUST LEARN TO STAY FOCUSED! I DON'T UNDERSTAND-"

Oh my God! She's like the thing that wouldn't shut up!

"MOM I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!"

"WHAT!"

Okay maybe not the best way to try to change the subject!

"MOM CALM DOWN! I HAVE A LIFE ALTERING QUESTION THAT YOU MAY CARE TO HEAR!"

"LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GETTING A SEX CHANGE OPERATION TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT SUSPENSION! YOU COULD'VE PERMANANTLY DAMAGED THAT STUPID BOY BECAUSE YOU KICKED HIM IN THE-!"

"MOM HOW DID YOU MEET DADDY!"

"What do you want to know that for?"

For the God's sake, it worked! Thank God, I have very few blurbs as distractions during yelling fits and busting out with "I'M PREGNANT would've just made her knock me out with her skillet.

"I just wanna know how you knew dad was the one. Because I found one, and he's an asshole, but I can't stop thinking about him-"

"Was this the boy you ditched the other night?"

"Um. Kinda."

"If you liked him, then why did I have to come get you?"

"I don't know. I realized I might really like him"

"And you freaked? Yeah, I did something like that with your father."

"But you and dad are so cutesy and lovey dovey. I figured you knew right away that you were 'destined'. You know all that soul mate stuff."

"God no! Honey, it's never that simple. Life is full of pain in the ass complications, or existence wouldn't be so interesting. Your father thought we were soul mates. I thought he was stalking me."

"What!"

"Well, it's not exactly the nicest way to put it, but your father was kind of a, well a library dork in high school. I mean, he was handsome and everything, but he read too many "How to Court a Lady" books that must've come from like circa 1920! He left me roses on my desk, which was sweet, but then they came with these little unsigned notes that were old English poetry translated in Japanese and what was supposed to be an endearment sounded like a death threat!"

"But mom we speak English, why didn't he just leave them in English."

"Because your father was an idiot in high school, despite being a brain and he thought that no one besides him and his friends had bothered learning English. Meanwhile, I'd been in English classes since I was in fifth grade! Well anyways, I started to get a little scared so I decided to catch him in the act of putting one of those notes on my locker and confront him. With a brick."

"You almost killed daddy?"

"No it didn't come to that. I got to school early and waited in the back of the classroom. Sure enough, here comes your father with a dozen red roses with a little card sticking out of it. I thought he was really cute but was still wondering if he had Hannibal tendencies and since I knew of him, but I didn't know him, I was still scared. So I had the brick in my bag and sprang out at him, demanding to know why he was threatening me! He jumped back and looked so terrified that I started laughing. Mind you, I was still going to hit him if necessary, but he looked like a startled deer and he was a foot taller then me! He turned bright red and then started stammering about how he liked me and wanted to go out with me. I asked him why he was threatening me if he liked me so much and he said that I was supposed to think the notes were romantic, not psychotic, and he must have botched the translation. I asked what they were supposed to say in English and he read them to me. I thought it was sweet so I agreed to go out on a date with him and the rest, for the most part, is history."

"For the most part?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you the rest if the need ever arises."

"Riiight. So, let me just bounce a hypothetical off of you. Let's say there was a guy. A gorgeous guy. An unbelievably gorgeous-"

"I get it honey, move on."

"Right right. So any who, this gorgeous guy, lets name him Bob-"

"Bob? You like a man named Bob?"

"No!"

"Well then let's name him something else."

"Okay, how about Terry?"

"Isn't Terry a girl's name?"

"Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"Fine fine, but we'll call him Bo."

"What the hell is the difference between Bo and Bob?"

"A B, and you swear again and you'll find out the difference between a foot and a yard."

"Sorry! So let's say Bo, for all his looks, was also very intelligent-"

"Marry Bo."

"Can I finish? Oi! Anyway, for all the looks and smarts, Bo was kind of an asshole when you first met him. He was rude and offensive and you got into a shouting match on, let's say a sidewalk-"

"Oh Lord, please don't tell me I'm the mother of the crazy blonde who screamed at everyone in the middle of downtown Tokyo last week?"

"No no no! I have more self control then that mother!"

Ha!

"So you fought with Bo and parted ways?"

"Yes, and then went out with someone else-"

"Is this the blonde young man whose car you dove into to avoid our properly meeting him?"

"A proper meeting does not involve dad sitting there shining his one and only gun and asking my date if his car has a back seat! Anyways! So, I went out with, um, Andy? (get a nod) and I have a really nice time, surprisingly, but Andy abandons me in the restaurant! What guy does that?"

"Well, thinking of how you eat, did he abandon you before or after he got the bill?"

"Before mother, and thanks for making me sound like a giant pig!"

"Serena you are the reason we don't live in a mansion, you literally eat us out of a nicer home. Now I know you can't help your appetite, I prefer you eat like a pig then a bird, but everyone's wallet has a limit. So he left you in the middle of the restaurant all by yourself? That's weird."

"Well...I wasn't alone per se. See Bo showed up and we started fighting, and when I turned back to Andy he was gone! It was so sudden!"

"Well how long were you and Bo arguing? A minute, a second...?"

"Um..."

"Serene how long did you have that boy standing there like a fool?"

"Well it wasn't my entire fault! He was there too, and he knew Bo so I wasn't going to expect him to help me in the argument. And Bo's date ditched him too!"

"You were both on separate dates and your dates left together? Wow, bet you felt stupid."

"Mom!...Well, yeah."

"So how did you end up out with Bo? Usually you'd 1 2 punch him and storm off in a huff. Why'd you go out with him?"

"I don't know! I was hungry! It was food deprivation!"

"So after you broke Bo's wallet, what happened?"

"We were walking around outside and talking for once, and it was nice and i was having fun and he said something really nice...and I kissed him."

"So where is the problem? Did you have no chemistry?"

"Oh no, we had that, but I just started thinking about how we met and how immature he seemed...and I panicked."

"When you say 'panic', you mean-"

"I slapped him and walked off."

"Oh my God! Well, this saves me the effort of having to ask your brother what he read in your diary. You gave me a very limited info on the phone-"

"Only because you refused to come and get me unless I told you what happened!"

"Oh right."

JesUS!

"Serena...did you...feel anything? When you kissed Darien?"

"Yeah, that boy has the softest lips I've ever kissed, and believe me, I have tried-"

"Serena finish that sentence and you're grounded! That isn't what I meant. I meant did you feel any emotions when you kissed this boy?"

"Um...okay I distinctly remember lus-...uh, attraction. And I don't know. It was weird, I felt all giddy and excited but I was so nervous. I just started thinking about all the bad that could come of kissing him...even if it was great."

"Oh sweetie! You're in love!"

What? Who said love, I never said love, where is the love, it's not here!

"What! Mom, it was one kiss! No one falls in love after one kiss! What is this Dawson's Creek?"

"It only took one between me and your father."

"But you're old! (Death glare, back up, back up!) I mean, it was older times. If you kissed back then it meant you were as good as engaged. Come on, things have changed quite a bit. I mean, we have color TV and everything!"

"Right, and then your father had to give grandpa 2 pigs and a goat as my bride price. Honestly Serena, how the hell old do you think we are? Don't answer that! Fact is it doesn't take a marathon kissing session to realize you have feelings for someone. It only takes one moment. And do you see gray hairs or something, why do you always talk like I grew up in futile freaking Japan! Just wait until you have children and they make you feel older then the-"

Yeah it just keeps going. Okay, is she right? Do I like him? I sure as hell don't love him; she was way off base there. I'm only 17, what the hell do I want with love? Love sucks the fun out of dating, guys can do it with no strings and so do I. This is not me being bitter okay, I've never been in love, and this is just observation. Every time a cute guy walks by her, Lita compares him to her old boyfriend. For the God's sake don't ask her his name, that will warrant an ass kicking, but she gets this sappy, dreamy, pukey expression on her face like she's fucking floating every time she talks about him. And then you see that crushed, coming down look when she realizes this guy she was so in love with ditched her for a reason that she won't tell you until you've passed out from the pain.

Rei, for all intents and purposes is a die hard bitch, and I love her for that, but the guy who works at her temple is totally in love with her and she doesn't give a shit! Every time she speaks to him, and usually she's screaming at him, he has this enraptured look of adoration that makes her feel, in her own words, 'Like she's kicking a mentally handicapped puppy'. Oh what a joy love is for her, she associates love with a giant guilt trip!

Amy is a total closet romantic; I have seen her get that wistful pained expression on her face whenever she sees couples walking hand in hand or stealing a smooch. But she is terrified of relationships; she just likes to watch the process. You know it too, we all do, it's The Meeting, The Flirting, The Kissing, The Holding, The Suspicion, The Anger, The Yelling, The Dumping. For Ami, I understand the obvious, 'because she's adorable and smart and could totally get a damn date if she wanted' avoidance. Once you've seen this process a few times over in your life, including your own parents, you'd be reluctant to smile and say 'date me!' too.

And Mina. Let us even try to watch a romance and by the time they have their first kiss, she'll excuse herself to have a meltdown in the bathroom. All I know was it was some ex-schmuck who obviously didn't know what he had, who left her for her supposed other best friend in England. We have all personally agreed to fly down there and beat him, and the little hoe, down. We could do it; Ami has enough frequent fliers to get us there and back. But Mina just smiles sadly and says they deserve their happiness and then she flashes her pearly whites at us and changes the subject. And we let her. I mean come on! They deserve their happiness? Who the hell says that when their best friend and boyfriend get it on? I say restraining order; those fuckers would need to put one out on me because if I ever thought I saw them, I'd fuck 'em up on sight. Doesn't matter when or where it was, every time I saw them we would have a misunderstanding. School, hospital, funeral, check out line, I don't care! My theory is if you hit them enough, they won't look like the people who betrayed you so you can get over it. I'm right with Lita on the ex-lax cake except raise it up a notch. They would need to join the witness protection program. And I'm not into the idea of having to follow Darien around in sunglasses and a wig to make sure he isn't hoeing around on me. That's too much time and we don't have a Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

I think it's just better if Darien and I cut our losses and let that last kiss and last slap be our parting memories of each other. I'm just too young right now, what do I want to bother with relationships for? I'm not getting married until my late twenties, I don't care if I'll need parts freeze dried, I will NOT be rushed into marriage! No one would try to push me anyway: Dad wants to keep me his innocent little girl forever (silly daddy too late), Mom wouldn't trust me in the care of children (OK, I only dropped Sammy on his head twice. That's good for a 5 year old! And he's paid me back for it with his very existence hasn't he?), and Sammy,well who cares what he thinks he's a tool. My friends are more complicated. I won't even go into the kid conversation. We all range from wanting none to 5. I won't tell you which one of them is which. You get the joy of picking from no humane to insane.

One sec the doorbell's ringing.

So anyway, I don't see any reason why this whole matter can't be dropped. Sorry I disturbed you, go back to your normal life, and get the hell out of mine. Bye! .

..

"Hey Meatball Head."

God hates me doesn't she?

End of Chap. 5

Author's Note: So what did you think? Do you like it? If so, please review me, for I am an attention whore and compliments inspire me to go on to write more and do great things. Like, say, remembering to post in a more timely fashion. Kisses to you! Questions, commentary, whatever, review!

Oh! And I went movie crazy this weekend so some quick reviews. The Keira Knightley version of P & P, yeah, it didn't suck per say, but the 6 hour one is better. I saw Unleashed with Jet Li (amazing) and Saving Face which is also really great and I recommend 'em both for rentals. I also saw Walk the Line which is about Johnny Cash. Reese Witherspoon is great in it, but it doesn't hold a candle to Ray, at least for me, his life was just more interesting and intense- the soundtrack rocks though. And I saw the beginning of Ice Storm or some such thing with John Cusack (who I love) but it was boring and I ended up walking out to watch the end of Harry Potter again. And that's it for DM's movie reviews you never asked for. Laters.

And I don't know if it's necessary to state but I clearly own none of the above mentioned movie rights either, damn it, so there.