Disclaimer: I have never, ever owned HXH in my entire life.
Indeed, it was at the Genei Ryodan Headquarters that they had congregated; a shabby warehouse set just two miles outside the village served well. As always, the weather over the headquarters was permanently cloudy, drizzly and humid. As always, Kuroro was there first before everyone else. As always, his hair was slicked back so neatly it made dandruff afraid to show itself. Even the rain had avoided it like the plague.
"Only the seven of you?" he asked, raising an elegantly plucked eyebrow.
"Yes, Dancho. The rest are still cleaning up the mess we made in York Shin City," Shalnark replied, looking as cheerful as always. Kuroro always wondered about that. Given the Genei Ryodan's reputation, it is only right… only appropriate that all of them wore the look of jaded, murderous… well… murderers.
"Be that as it must," he replied.
"Is it true?" Ubogin asked, "Have you really seen the -Ing?"
Kuroro smiled, making sure the sides of the lips raised just that slight millimeter, and the eyes remained as dark and hollow as before. As Dancho of the Genei Ryodan, he had a reputation to uphold. "With my very own eyes."
Ubogin grinned and did a little happy rain dance. "Can we kill it? Say we can! Order us to!"
"We want it alive, Ubogin, alive and well." He hesitated. "Or as alive and well as possible… I mean… it has been living in a lake for the large majority of its life… bound to have some really nasty diseases if you ask me… "
"Aw?"
"Don't pout. It will not be easy to capture it, especially with the state of mind the villagers are in now."
"What?" Machi said, making it sound more like a "huh" then a "HUH?", stepping forward, probably to avoid the sexually ambiguous clown standing behind her. She went to the window and looked out then drew back with a look of pure horror on her face. Raising her hand to her face, she hesitated - then drew out a handkerchief and tried in vain to wipe away the twitching green things growing on the window pane away so she could at least see out.
"Let me help you," a pale tattooed face purred from behind her. Before she could respond, pink slimy nen stuck onto the sides of the window pane, and what was once glass, but was now a Petri dish, was conveniently removed.
Scowling, and sniffing condescendingly, she returned to the window, trying to ignore Hisoka peering out curiously from behind her shoulder.
"What the…" She gaped even as Hisoka started to cackle in amusement.
Even from two miles away, they could see the tiny village. Well not so much the tiny village, but the huge hot air balloon in the shape of a purple… well… it would have to be a lizard (a conclusion reached by impossibly linking the -Ing to the balloon) floating over it. Happy cheers and screams came from the village, as people dressed entirely in purple ran about totally oblivious to the look of disgust on the faces of the gods above. The voices rang far and true, all the way to the ears of the horrified Spiders.
"Buy two get one free! Buy two get one free! Beautiful -Ing carvings definitely not made in China! Ignore stamp at base of statues that states otherwise!"
"Three fried –Ing pork chops for the price of two -ing gils! -Ing pork chop guaranteed to be originally purple in the first place!"
"Sit on the -Ing Viking for only five gils! Five gils only! Make it three gils if you wanna go on without any seat belts!"
"Buy –Ing shoes for fifteen gils! Teeth on it are guaranteed real!"
"-Ing stamps! Buy one for the price of two gils! Three for the price of eight gils only! Good price! Good price!"
"What the…" Shalnark muttered from behind her other shoulder as Ubogin peered over her head, Shizuku sitting on his shoulder for the best view.
"What is it?" Phinx asked from behind as Feitan tried to look out of the window without appearing too short to do so i.e. without the cramming of the neck and the slight tip-toeing of the feet.
"Human nature at its worst," Shalnark muttered, "The purple… all the purple… Lord Almighty above, save us from this damnation!"
Kuroro smiled at the jaded look that settled over the boy genius's face. That was the look of a true Spider! "That is, unfortunately, very true," he announced, drawing the Genei Ryodan's attention back to him, "the people have discovered that the -Ing is a magnet for filthily rich and wickedly wealthy tourists, not to mention Hunters, poachers and other miscellaneous characters. Even if the -Ing has vanished mysteriously into the deep recesses of the lake that lies within the Jug Forest, they will not allow us to claim it. It is, at this moment, a great tourist attraction."
"Does that mean…" Ubogin stopped to allow for his mental processes to catch up with his ears, "We get to kill people? As in actually make the heart stop pumping and the lungs stop breathing and well… etc…"
Kuroro smiled. "I order it. Well… in the sense that you kill people when they are in the way… not when… you know… they are just hanging around doing nothing…"
"Whoopee!" Ubogin started on another rain dance, clapping his hands and stomping his feet. "Let's go, uh huh, let's go, uh huh, let's go!"
"We will go in groups of two to search the whole forest and lake," Kuroro instructed, eyeing Ubogin carefully even as an epiphany eyed him from on top, "Ubogin with Sharlnark…"
"Buddies!" Ubogin roared, sweeping Sharlnark up in a bear hug as the poor boy struggled to draw in some oxygen, while still carrying on with Ubogin's Special Rain Dance.
"Phinx and Feitan." The epiphany zeroed in the crosshairs on him.
Both killers nodded and exchanged evil smirks of camaraderie.
"Me and…" Crosshairs locked.
"Me! Please!" Machi almost howled.
"Shizuku." Turbo engines started.
"Damn…" Machi glared at Hisoka, her new partner as he giggled and waved at her.
"And now we go…" Before he could finish his sentence, the epiphany zeroed in on him and struck him hard on the head, "… and Ubogin is banned from doing the rain dance for the rest of his life."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because it causes the ridiculous thunderstorms that always surround our headquarters."
"Oh…"
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It was thus within town, that Machi and Hisoka found themselves, staring helplessly at the different shades of purple dancing before their eyes.
"That is so perverted," Machi muttered, as a particularly obscene shade of indigo started doing the tango with a flirty shade of violet. Hisoka's only response was a chuckle, and a gentle flip of his hands to produce an ace of spades.
A little boy in a -Ing suit dashed past, screaming happily as a little girl in a purple dress threw violet ice cream in his face.
"That's for destroying my Barbie -Ing!" the little girl howled, "Take some -Ing Sundae in your face, you horrible -Ing Hater!"
"Yeah? Well if you had let Mommy buy me the -Ing Robots, I wouldn't have done it, so there!"
Machi turned away and feeling a strange turmoil deep within the recesses of her intestines. "I think my colon just kicked my duodenum."
Hisoka smiled a smile that made the intestines decide to call a truce so they could cling together for emotional and digestive support. "Maybe I can help you?"
"You already did, now stay away from me. We need to find a boat to the island. Dancho wants us to take a boat while the rest find another way." She smirked as she recalled the look on their faces as she drew out the lucky lot i.e. the one with the happy little spider dancing with another happy little spider on it. That particular lot had given her many a sleepless night wondering about the origins of that picture.
"I see one there." Hisoka played happily with his cards as they trotted over to the little shed by the river. "Anyone there?" he called.
Suddenly, from the deepest recesses of the lake, a creature as round as a… well… round object, rose. Two meaty hands clung to a string of dead fish and thin purple lips broke into what had to be a smile.
"So, what do you want, dearies?" The creature (it turned out to be a rather well-rounded woman who was fishing in the lake with her bare hands) boomed onto shore, her arms wide open as if to give them a hug. Both Machi and Hisoka shrank back sharply before the words hit them.
Machi stared. The impossible had happened. A woman had actually called Hisoka "dearie". A shudder ran through her as a chill chased it down her spine. Horrors of horrors… and she couldn't make her tongue move. It had decided to hide firmly at the base of her mouth to avoid having to face the unavoidable sight of Hisoka grinning like a monkey that had just bonked another monkey on the head.
"A… well… boat…" her tongue finally decided to cooperate with her, "We need a boat." Her tongue caught sight of Hisoka, and darted back into her mouth again, squeaking like a crushed rat (that is still alive, of course, because it would be technically impossible for a dead rat to speak).
"Ah… for? Not –Ing hunting, I hope. That ain't allowed. The –Ing is important to us! It's a tourist attraction!"
"Sight-seeing?"
"Oh! Honeymoon, I see!"
Bile threatened to run up her esophagus and into her mouth. "H… honey… honeymoon?" Hisoka giggled and stepped nearer, his arm reached out to slide around her waist.
The pleasant woman smiled happily, the gleam of romance in her eyes. "A honeymoon! How sweet! I still remember mine!"
"We are not…" Machi whacked Hisoka's hand away.
"Ah! It must have been as lovely as ours!" Hisoka grinned as Machi shot him the most murderous look she could muster.
"Oh! It must have been!" the lady smiled, "And what a dashing young man you've got yourself, young lady! I've always like men who stand out! Must have their own style, I always said."
Machi's eyes goggled as Hisoka beamed happily in total disregard of the murderous look that was currently hanging on to his left eyelid and pummeling him violently.
"I really did like mine. It was just the most marvelous time I had ever had!" her smile turned sly and she nudged Hisoka's arm with her elbow (an act that had made many people the butt of one-arm jokes), "Have some fun tonight!"
That was the last straw. Machi glared furiously, dumped a load of money on the table (it would have been blood, but Dancho said to buy her way through), leaped onto the nearest boat, dragging the egoistically boosted Hisoka with her and speeding for the isolated islands of forest out there. "Say a word and you will find yourself without a head."
Hisoka chuckled, giggled then flipped a card into his hands. Queen of Hearts. Beaming, he flicked the murderous look into the lake and lay back, ready to enjoy some alone time with his favourite spider girl, even if alone included clouds of mosquito and numerous hyperactive murderous glares… and well… purple unnamed lizards.