I started the walk back to the Ebon Hawk. I dragged my feet, kept my head down and concentrated on the numbness I was feeling. There were no more tears to be shed. As I walked, I tried to formulate what to say.
Should I be brutally honest, "I killed my brother Malak?"
Should I try for a light tone, "Hey guys, I had a pretty funny realization, Malak was my brother. That's why I had to burn him."
I just hoped that the Force would guide me to the right words for the crew to understand. There was really only one member of the crew that I wasn't sure how to tell, how do I justify making him bear the body of the man who ordered the slaughter of all he held dear? Malak killed not only Carth's wife and planet, not only corrupted his son, but killed all the hopes and dreams Carth didn't even know he had until they were gone. How do you explain the betrayal? The only answer I could formulate was that you can't. There are no words that can justify this betrayal.
With this realization, my pace slowed further and my shoulders slumped further. I felt like I had killed all the hopes and dreams that were unacknowledged within my own heart. This all was too much to handle. I wanted to run away from the following confrontation. I wanted to find somewhere and hide.
Without realizing it, I started up the ramp into the bay of the Ebon Hawk. The crew was sitting around, almost as if they were waiting for me.
"Revan, you need sleep. This discussion can wait." I started at the sound of a voice. Jolee was offering me an unexpected delay. The coward in me wanted to accept. Instead, I raised my head and shook it.
"I won't put this off any longer. All of you deserve to know why I put you in danger for the body of the Sith Lord. Even though I know there is nothing that can explain why I would put an enemy's body before your own lives," At this, I scanned the room and let my gaze pause on Carth. "I will do my best. During that final duel on the Star Forge, I remembered more of my past. Malak was not just the Dark Lord of the Sith. Malak used to be a little boy that followed at my heels and worshipped me. He came to the Jedi because of me. Normally, as I'm sure some of you are aware, the Jedi do not train siblings together. Family causes attachments, which we all know are frowned on. However, the Council made an exception and allowed Malak and I to train together." Carth's face, a scowl before that refused to meet my eyes started to widen as he processed what I just alluded to. "Malak wasn't only my dark apprentice, he wasn't just a follower, he was my brother. I led him down the path of the Darkside. They say the path to the Darkside is paved with good intentions, I can say honestly that it is. Malak and I were devastated when the Mandalorians slaughtered our family. We made a vow to do all that we could to keep that from happening to other families. We also vowed, as we started down the dark road, that if anything were to happen to either of us, we would honor the other in the way of our people.
"I'm sorry to have endangered all of you like I did. Malak turned into an evil man. Not all of his choices were forced upon him by me. He has his own blame to shoulder. He destroyed worlds and families." Again, I scanned the room and looked at Carth. I hoped I saw the glimmer of understanding in his eyes. "He did to those worlds what we vowed we would stop. I did to those worlds what we vowed to stop." I took a deep breath and continued to gaze at the floor, not able to meet anyone's gaze for long.
"I killed my brother in that battle, not just the Dark Lord. I failed him." My voice started to break. I was wrong earlier when I thought there weren't any more tears. I swiped at my eyes, impatient with myself and took another cleansing breath. "I made a vow, one I remembered. I had to do what I could to honor that vow. My brain was not thinking of anyone's safety. At that point, I could only remember the little boy following me everywhere I went. I would have stayed there, stuck in my grief if it wasn't for you, Carth." Once more, I looked up at Carth. A fragile smile broke on my lips. "I thank you for that. I thank you for the sacrifice you made to bear the body of the man who ordered the slaughter of your people. I thank you for being the man you are.
"I also apologize to all of you. There are no words that can express how truly sorry I am. If you'll excuse me, I really need a moment to myself." For lack of a better word, I fled to the girls' quarters. I dropped to the ground into a meditation pose. I cleared my mind and concentrated on a healthier nothingness. I could hear the muted voices out in the common area but I didn't really take them in.
A soft footfall heralded the ending of my meditation. I felt calmer and less weighed down with the grief. I stayed in my position as I listened to the closing steps. Mission's head popped through the door.
"Hey, you want some company?" Her voice was tentative. I hadn't heard that tone from her before. I'd heard brash, brave, happy and gloating and even taunting, but never tentative.
"Yeah, I think I'm ready for some company." I waved my hand at her to keep coming into the room.
"Wanna play some pazaak?" Her ever present side deck appeared in her one hand. I was always amazed at how dexterous she can be. I also knew that I was about to lose more money. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at pazaak, but Mission was always better than me. Somehow, the financial loss was well worth the comfort the routine would give me.
"Sure, let me get my deck." I dug around in my chest for my deck.
"I'll spot you twenty."
"Mission, I may have just gained and lost a brother in the past day and a half, but I sure don't need your pity at pazaak. I'm going to beat you this time." I gave her a smile and was rewarded with one of hers in return.
"Tough talk, Revan. Fine then, I'll still clean the floor with you." Too true, her statement was all too true. I'd never beat her yet and I still couldn't stop myself from trying.
We made our way out to the common area and the table set aside for the game. I could hear someone in the swoop hangar fixing something and Juhani was in the cooking area. I could hear Jolee mumbling to himself in the medbay. I couldn't see anyone else. I was also unwilling to tap into the Force to find out. Call me a coward, but I didn't want to know what they were feeling towards me right now.
Mission and I started playing and I quickly started losing. She wasn't kidding when she told me that she would clean the floor with me. Not only did I owe her fifty credits, I also had to do her share of the chores for the next month. I was literally stuck cleaning the floors, my least favorite chore.
"Uncle! I cry Uncle, Mission. I give up; you've taken me for all I'm worth. Go find another mark." Mission smirked at me with an "I told you so" expression on her face. "Stop gloating, it's unbecoming of a lady your age. You have no respect for your elders." Mission's smirk expanded into a huge smile and I could tell she was holding back giggles. "Did I just sound like Jolee? I did, didn't I? Ugh, I need a walk." I comically slapped my hand to my forehead and faked a swoon. With the sound of Mission's giggles ringing in my ears, I made my way outside.
I walked aimlessly, no purpose in my mind. All too soon, though, my path led me to the ash covered ground of the funeral pyre. I sat down on a log and stared at it. The sky darkened into dusk and I didn't move.
"Amazing to think that a man with that large of a presence and influence could be reduced to such a small pile, isn't it?" Carth's voice echoed out of the oncoming darkness. He sat down beside me, careful not to touch. That small carefulness hurt. Before that final battle, Carth would have put his arm around me or held my hand. He would have at least allowed his shoulder to brush mine. I was tempted to see what he would do if I leaned into him, forcing the contact.
"There is no death, there is only the Force."
"Right, well, I'm no Jedi and I'm not sure I buy into that."
I didn't know how to reply to that. I could lecture and sound like Bastila. I could come up with some random story made up on the spot like Jolee. I chose to be myself and sit there quietly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn't take long.
"So, where do we go from here? Do we keep going along?" Carth's voice sounded unsure and slightly shaky.
"What we are we talking about? Do you mean the whole crew or do you mean us?" There's that coward thing again. I wanted to make sure that I didn't open myself up to anymore pain.
"I mean us. What are we going to do? Where are we?" I almost jumped out of my skin when Carth touched the back of my hand where it rested on the log between us.
"Carth, I can't keep apologizing. I'm hurting and you're hurting. I don't know where we are. I don't know what we are going to do. I only know what I want and where I want to end up. Somehow, though, I have this feeling that the galaxy is not going to let that happen. Why don't we wait until after the celebration to have this discussion?" I could hear that cowardly little voice in the back of my head chanting, please please please.
"Revan, I love you. I want to make this work. I just need you to communicate with me. I need to know that you want this too."
"I want, more than anything, to have this work. I just, well, I just don't know if outside forces are going to allow us to have a happily ever after." My shoulders, already slumping, hunched forward more. Carth's arm draped over them and pulled me so that my head rested against his chest. He enveloped me in his arms and just held me. My arms wrapped around him and held on with a manic strength. "Can we just have now and forget that tomorrow's going to happen? Can we just be us for now?" My voice was muffled but I knew he would understand me.
"Beautiful, your wish is my command. Let's go back to the Hawk and let tomorrow take care of itself." We got to our feet and walked hand-in-hand back to the Hawk.
Wow, more feedback! You all make me so happy! I was really scared to post the story, but I'm glad it's so well received! I will definitely keep it coming! Your kind words made my day, my week, heck, at this point, my life!
I had this one thing I wanted to have happen but Carth appeared in my story instead and I adore him so much that I let him stay. It will happen eventually. In the meantime, keep the feedback coming, I love the attention… feed my teeny-tiny ego please!