Disclaimer: I am not making any money of this fic, nor do I own Star Trek: Voyager, Deep Space Nine, The Next Generation or the original series, or anything else I make references to. If you saw the character on any show, then it is not mine. The same goes for ships, planets, cultures, et cetera. This story will depict a loving relationship between two women and there are no apologies to be made over this. Chapter 13 title is from "Home" by Staind. Songs quoted are, in order of appearance: "Insect Kin" by Bush and "Everything Zen" also by Bush. Song later in chapter is written by me and I am the sole owner.

Genre: Action-Adventure, Drama
Codes: K/7, T/7
Feedback: Please, reviews are the food of the muse… but flames are for candles!

Home, Chapter 13
I can't do this anymore...

Past...

The next day, Captain Janeway and Chakotay met B'Elanna on the Dracco, where she had stayed the night, catching up with Jessica. They met for lunch in the galley with Captain Tarrel. They were reviewing the laws and customs of Shashan society when Jessica walked into the room. She was smiling, greeting people quietly. Janeway, who was facing the door, noticed her first. Chakotay turned to look, smiling. Then he stopped what he was saying mid-sentence and the smile fell from his face.

B'Elanna didn't notice and waved Jessica over. She came and sat next to Kathryn, across from Chakotay and Luii. She straddled the chair backwards and propped her head up on her hands.

"Hi," she said, grinning. Everyone but Chakotay greeted her. Luii looked at the stoic man and frowned.

"He doesn't seem to like you," Tarrel commented.

"I know," Jessica confirmed. She leaned closer to Chakotay. " 'It's all the pain in her way she talks, all the pain in the way she walks. All the pain in her wave good-bye, all the pain in the way she smiles. All the pain in her fatal charms,' " Jessica's voice cracked with emotion as she sung the last line. " 'All the pain in her arms...' " She had Chakotay's undivided attention.

"It's not that." Chakotay said, quietly.

"There's no sex in your violence?"

"Will you stop quoting song lyrics?" Chakotay asked, exasperated.

"If you'll stop lying to yourself."

"I'm not—"

"No? 'Because I trusted her'? You expect anyone to buy that? That's only half the truth. I didn't betray you and you know it. What's the real truth? You're pissed because I left? Because I didn't pretend I was guiltless and stay with the Maquis? Or stay with you?" Her voice lowered progressively throughout her speech and Chakotay's eyes darkened in response.

Kathryn didn't quite catch what Chakotay mumbled, but his body was taut and beginning to shake. Jessica pretended not to hear. "Fuck you," he hissed, uncharacteristically.

"Is that it? The Bajoran bitch—" Jessica didn't make it any further as Chakotay stood and his chair skidded back. He walked around the table and she only had enough time to stand before he was on her. He lifted her and slammed her into a nearby wall.

"Is this what you want? You want me to react?"

"Yes!" She growled. There was silence for a moment, then Jessica screamed "I am not a fucking child!" It wasn't just a vocal scream, it reverberated in the minds of everyone in the room, deafening everyone momentarily and leaving Kathryn with a headache. "I was never given that option! I'm seven-hundred and forty-six years old! I'm the first!" Every Shashan in the room fell to their knees and assumed the position that Neelix had two days ago on Voyager.

"No! You're fourteen years old! You only have the memories—"

"I lived those lives!"

"Other people's lives!"

"My lives! I lived them! So fuck you!" she screamed. Chakotay still held her against the wall and her legs wrapped around his hips and he smacked her against it again. Kathryn didn't like how comfortable Jessica looked there, or how violet her eyes were glowing. She hissed a deep breath, revealing her fangs again.

"You're right, you're not a child. I know that. A lot of people know that." She hit him and he grabbed her wrists, pinning her against the wall. "I'm sorry you never had a childhood, I'm sorry that you grew up too soon. But at least you had a life when you were previously doomed to have none!"

"Stop trying to figure it out, Chakotay. There were no signs! Just because two people share their bed doesn't mean they share their minds!" Jessica's comment didn't make sense at first to Kathryn, and then she realized that it must have been something Jessica was reading telepathically.

"You fucked her?" B'Elanna yelled, obviously furious. Luii stopped her from entering the fight with a hand on her shoulder.

"It's so easy for you. You're there, then you're gone. You always have some place to move on to. You leave a string of broken hearts behind you and you never care!" Chakotay released her and stepped back. Jessica fell to her knees.

"I'm always holding out my hand! I'm always offering to share my life. No one ever takes it! God, I care, I love and it doesn't matter because I'm always alone the next day! You think I don't feel it? You think it doesn't kill me? I wish I didn't care. Every time I move on, I leave a piece of myself. How much more can I lose before there's nothing left?"

"What about your husbands? You have them." Tears welled up in Jessica's eyes and she released a cracking sob that brought tears to Kathryn's own eyes. Jessica sat on her heels and cried.

"I don't have Alexander. He's going to leave, I can see it in his eyes, in his mind. Benden is never there anymore. What do you think that's like? Even when I have someone, they're not mine!"

"Everyone who knows you probably feels that way! No one can ever have you, you're always moving on."

"I have to move on. Why doesn't anyone ever come with me? All I get are memories like dreams, the same scenes playing over and over in my mind. Everything in the universe is more important than me, it seems." Jessica rocked forward.

"Because no one wants to share you! You can't settle down, you can't stick to one person. You don't love anyone enough to let them be your one and only."

"But I've never pretended that I would, I've never lied! And has anyone ever tried to make me? No! You just let me go like I mean nothing. I try to make you happy, I try to be whatever you need, but you all stay behind, safe and hurt, but comforted by the foreknowledge that it would happen! I always beg for you to come with me!" Jessica was screaming by the end, the control she carried every second of every day finally revealed in its loss. Whispered words followed: "I'm never good enough."

Chakotay was silent, speechless. He looked shocked, no longer angry. Something passed over his face, some realization.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "That we're what broke you." Jessica arched backwards, still on her knees and lay back until her head was touching the floor, looking very uncomfortable.

"Use me, use me
Go ahead, abuse me
I can't feel it I can't deal it
kills me now you don't know how
it's deep inside so go ahead, take a ride..." Jessica sang in a cracked voice, then violently jerked around, curling into a ball on the floor, crying her heart out in broken sobs. Chakotay took a step forward, then paused as though he didn't know what to do. B'Elanna broke from Luii and shoved past Chakotay to fall next to Jessica and gather her up in her arms. Jessica clung to B'Elanna, her cries silenced, her back wrenching with the sobs she tried to repress. B'Elanna lifted her and carried her from the room, not looking back.

Present...

B'Elanna yanked out the gel pack, glaring at the color.

"It is yellow," Seven observed, her ocular implant raised. B'Elanna's hearts raced at the sound of the deep voice and anger rose at herself as she remembered how she had not fought for Seven when she had the chance. She knew better than to take it out on Seven, but she just felt so... "Lieutenant?"

"I'm sorry, Seven, I'm just a little out of it."

"Are you well?" Seven asked, concerned. B'Elanna nodded mutely and began examining the pathways surrounding the gelpack, trying to ascertain the cause of the discoloration of the device. She didn't have to look long to see that there was a connecting wire twisted out of alignment and completely blocked off, preventing the pack from releasing waste products from its system.

"What could have produced the torque to damage this circuit?" B'Elanna wondered aloud as she stared into the murky bioneural circuitry.

"Perhaps a life form invaded the Environmental system and was propelled there from those fans?" Seven suggested, stretching her body into the hole to examine a similarly damaged blade. The movement put Seven's breasts right in B'Elanna's face and it was more than the engineer could stand. She dropped the sick gelpack and fell backwards, trying to fight the almost overwhelming urge to find out if Seven's breasts were as soft as they looked.

"B'Elanna?" Seven asked, looking down. B'Elanna stood, grabbing the gelpack, intent on hiding in Engineering.

"Sounds right, the, uh, your theory... about the life form that is, I mean," B'Elanna stammered, frustrated. "It makes sense. I'm just gonna run this pack down to Engineering and get a new one. Thanks for your help, I'm sure that we'll have deck four fog-free in no time." B'Elanna turned and almost ran when Seven's voice stopped her.

"Why are you behaving in this manner?" Seven asked. "Have I made you uncomfortable somehow?" 'Damn, she doesn't miss anything,' B'Elanna thought.

"Yes—no, I can't... I need... time, Seven, I..." B'Elanna realized that she was about to burst the gelpack, she was squeezing it so hard and she loosened her grip. "I can't do this right now." B'Elanna knew it was cowardice, she knew that it was dishonorable, she didn't care. She turned and fled.
…

"She's been avoiding me, too," Harry said, not liking what Seven had just told him. He also didn't like how distressed Seven had become over B'Elanna's abrupt departure. 'I'm losing her,' he thought, almost desperate. 'They're in love,' another part of him argued. He didn't know what to do. Every time he thought about breaking it off with Seven, something stopped him. He knew that this was his only chance with her and that was the only excuse he could offer himself.

"Perhaps... No, I cannot offer any explanation for her behavior. It has become increasingly erratic the past few days, culminating in the event earlier today. Can you elucidate the situation to me?"

"Maybe... I don't know. It sounds like—" Harry was relieved when the Captain called all hands to battle stations, saving him from revealing his thoughts on the matter. They stood in unison and headed to the Bridge. Seven had many opportunities to ask him to continue his train of thought, but not once did she attempt to do so.
…

Debris, residual weapon signatures and a distress call. None of it gave the Voyager crew any clue as to who had destroyed the little vessel. No, destroy was too weak a word—they obliterated the Nerelkan science ship. The Nerelkin were a friendly species that Voyager had encountered the day before, a race of gentle artists with owl-like features.

Nothing bigger than a finger bone remained.
…

Seven fell, exhausted into her bed, having worked non-stop in Astrometrics for almost three days, trying to find the ship or ships responsible for the mass destruction that Voyager had been encountering since leaving Mekrell space. Janeway had stated that it was her belief that the Mekrell were hostile due to the threat just beyond their borders. Seven, feeling slightly confrontational, had stated that she believed it was the Mekrell.

She had found no proof to support her accusation. Janeway still didn't discount her theory and even agreed that it was a possibility. Seven wanted a fight. She didn't get one. She had then engaged B'Elanna in a debate in Engineering, refusing to call her anything but Lieutenant Torres. Again, she did not get the altercation she unconsciously sought.

So, she had resumed working, growing further frustrated as the days went by. She stopped to engage in a date with Harry, but he refused, once again, to have sex with her. After attempting to stimulate him to the point where he would no longer resist, she merely found herself aroused and without an outlet to resolve her frustrations.

She lay on the bed and attempted auto-erotic stimulation, but found no relief in it and abandoned the activity as unproductive. She avoided the position required for activating her regeneration cycle, despite the fact that she was exhausted, and allowed her thoughts to race, trying to find an activity that would relieve the tension in her abdomen.

She didn't wish to sleep, as the dreams had begun creating further sexual frustration for her and Harry had already made his feelings on the matter of sex, plain. Seven stood and began pacing, her muscles taut and she, high-strung. …
…

Janeway walked to the holodeck to play Velocity, delighted that Seven had requested a game. They hadn't played in almost three months and Kathryn had begun to think that she would need a new opponent. Upon sight of Seven, however, she wondered what the agitated ex-drone's motives were for challenging her.

"Hello, Seven," Kathryn greeted brightly.

"Good evening, Captain. Thank you for agreeing to participate in a game on such short notice."

"About that, Seven. I'm delighted that you thought of me, but why were you so anxious to play a game now?"

"I cannot sleep and I find that I am... overly energetic." Satisfied with the explanation, Janeway accepted the explanation and joined Seven in the holodeck.
…

Panting, sweating and aching, Kathryn called a stop to the game after she realized they had been playing for three hours. Kathryn was tired and Seven showed no signs of diminishing any of her excess energy. They had switched games repeatedly, Seven winning the majority of the games, but Kathryn having won her fair share. Their latest game had been a combination of basketball and volleyball and was set on an anti-grav field.

The computer gently aligned them with the floor and the holographic players vanished into oblivion at the captain's word. Seven sighed and walked to the captain, offering her hand. Kathryn took it, a little surprised.

"Thank you for your company, Captain. I realize that it cannot have been easy for you. I am not certain why I am not just as fatigued as yourself. It had been my hope that I would be, but obviously..." Seven trailed off.

"You're welcome Seven and thank you for being such a good sport. I'm sorry that I can't play any more, but if you still can't sleep, then maybe you should see the Doctor." Seven nodded and walked Janeway to the door of the holodeck, where she wished her good-night. As soon as Janeway boarded the turbolift, Seven returned to the holodeck, intent on wearing herself out.
…

"Fractured tibia, bruised tailbone, two sprained metacarpals and you managed to break every bone in your right hand. With the safety protocols on."

"Yes, Doctor," Seven said, finally ready to sleep, some of her frustration sated.

"How?" The EMH almost shouted, unable to believe the amount of damage Seven had inflicted upon herself in the holodeck.

"I believe it was the parises squares game that did the most damage. A mallet smashed my hand against the far side of the court. Then I tripped and damaged my leg in the fall. My tailbone was injured 'ice skating.' "

"May I ask why you were running so many simulations in the holodeck?"

"I had a lot of energy to... work off."

"Indeed," the Doctor growled. "Well, a least it's nothing that I can't fix. Please change into this gown," he said, handing it to her. "I'll be with you as soon as you're done to heal your injuries." Seven glared at the gown as she complied.
…

Harry had tried to broach the subjects of Seven's feelings and B'Elanna, but Seven was evasive and flirtatious, behaving like an overeager prom date, trying to get into his pants. He asked himself, for the umpteenth time, why he was refusing her and this time, he received no answer. She had finally worn him down.

Her offer was too attractive to turn down again.

He just couldn't fight it anymore...

To be continued…