Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me. Neither does Shakespeare, or any of his works. For those who cannot read fluent Shakespeare, I totally apologise. As for taking so long to update, honestly, my brain is fried after my As, and nothing is coming out. I.e. I've got the writer's block. Anyway, be prepared to wait to read my next chapter. Sorry about that and all.

Most importantly, however, how come no one reviews this story?

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Trudge.

Stop.

Scowl.

Trudge.

Stop.

Scowl.

Trudge.

Stop.

"I so do not believe this," Machi grumbled, hacking vindictively at the vegetative growth around her, "We re-shuffled our teams and everything, so why do I still end up with you?"

From behind, Hisoka gave her a huge smirk as he happily shuffled his cards. "Destiny is such a difficult foe to escape from. The red thread that links our love will slowly, slowly draw us together in a sweet embrace…"

"Shut up!" Machi suppressed a shudder at the thought of being anywhere within a ten meter radius of Hisoka.

He giggled, flipped a card, and presented the Queen of Hearts to her. "My token of love for you, my beautiful, delicious goddess of…"

"Shut up!" Machi spun around and glowered at him. "Go chase someone else!"

"But I like you."

"No."

"And you like me."

"NO!"

"But you fixed my fingers for free."

"I did not do that because…"

"It is a declaration of love!"

"It's not!" Machi stepped up to him, her hair bristling. "It's not! It's not! It's not!"

"It is."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"Is… arg! This is childish!"

"My fingers hurt, Machi darling…"

"I am so not your darling."

"Oh yes you are."

"No, I'm…"

"Alas, Brutus! Woe be me, Cassius! Zeus's thunderbolts shall strike thee down!"

Machi froze. Hisoka froze (then giggled because it would be really OC for Hisoka to freeze).

"Retribution! Oh, retribution! It is fair to have the strength of a giant, but to use it as such shall be tyranny!"

"And here comes the purple lizard," Hisoka murmured, smiling happily as he flipped out a card. Said purple lizard rose out majestically from behind them, two large orbs of unequal size wobbling erratically with emotion, tearing as it went.

"Be swift for battle, Cassius! Be ready for war, Brutus! For, the Jug Ness is here, and it shall prove a shrewd Caesar to thee! I shall see thee in Philippi."

Machi tugged out a nen thread. "Ok, Joker. I will take him from the left, and you take him from the right." She paused as Hisoka turned away from her and moved towards the lizard. "What are you doing, Hisoka?"

With a one-sided smile, Hisoka advanced forward and faced the Jug Ness Monster in all its ambiguous glory, and gave the most elegant bow the Jug Forest had ever see.

With all the miscellaneous lumps of dirt staring at him, Hisoka lifted his head and said the words that would turn the tide of history.

"Beware the ides of March."

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Machi froze.

The Jug Ness Monster froze.

Hisoka smiled.

The lumps of dirt ran away, making very lumpy squeaks of fear.

"I be mistaken!" it roared suddenly, "Oh woe be my pierced bosom, my cut thigh, my cleaved heart! To think thee for Cassius, when thou be the Soothsayer."

"Wh…" Machi stared at Hisoka as he flapped a dismissive hand at her.

"Indeed be gamesome, my lord, for it be great to see thee on all thy four oddly-shaped appendages again. Should no Brutus nor Cassius touch thy sacred hide then all be better, and better be good."

Machi goggled as Hisoka gave a wonderfully theatrical bow.

"And alas, my great lord, for one Caesar would call Brutus, shall be Artemidorus, thy lover, upon whom cried, 'beware of Brutus; take heed of Cassius', and whose humble warnings, the filth of the earth scorned." Hisoka smiled (and the earth quavered), as he flapped a hand in the direction of Machi, "greet thy lord, gentle Artemidorous."

"H… hi?"

"Oh woe be my heart! Upon thee I cried traitor, upon thee I cried war. Oh, ambition had slain my sight, and I see naught but marrowless bones and cold blood! My eyes, which I glare with, hast no speculation." An oddly shaped appendage was raised to what had to be the head of the lizard, as it lay its head down on the ground and sobbed miserably tears of slime. The two large orbs continued to wobble worryingly, and for two seconds Machi feared they would drop out of the sockets. Her worry only lasted two seconds, because it is physically impossible to worry about anything else when Hisoka is looking at you and leering happily.

"What are you doing?" Machi hissed angrily, as she grabbed Hisoka's arm roughly. "Did you just call me his lover?"

"Friend," Hisoka replied, looking mildly amused, "only a friend. Lover means Friend."

"Wh… What the heck was all that crap?"

Again he smiled, and again the world quivered. "Why, my dear, dear Artemidorous," he purred, "all this crap is Shakespeare."

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"Alas, I know not how it can be, but the Fiery Phoenix of the Words be greatly mistaken," the lizard boomed, "Oh greatest apologies, oh most tenderest caresses and kisses, for this horrible treachery! I offer thee my thigh to cut."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Thanks," Ubogin replied, just as Phinx muttered, "No thank you, we can't tell which part of you is your thigh."

"So, eh… anyway…" Kuroro cleared his throat, "Fare thee well, oh great Jug Ness Monster, for whence forth thou shalt set upon a road of great ambition." He smiled happily, he being the one other than Hisoka to be able to speak fluent Shakespeare.

"Aye, aye, spoketh thee well, Mark Anthony, for I shall wear the crown in Rome all the way to Italy."

"Alas, alas," Kuroro muttered, "and shall not the Fiery Phoenix of the Words accompany thee in thy great journey?"

"Aye, aye. Yet his orders be odd, for he sent forth cries to kill all Man."

"Touched by the sun?" Hisoka purred, "Moved by the moon? Swayed by the stars?"

"Aye, so it would seem. Oh, to see Brutus in the Soothsayer? His actions show much like to madness; pray heaven his wisdom be not tainted." The monster clasped what appeared to be two warts into a posture of prayer.

"If you say so," Feitan muttered, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Oh great Jug Ness Monster," Hisoka murmured, "where be thy great Fiery Phoenix of the Words?"

"Upon what face doth he wear?" Kuroro added, "Should he be lean and hungry?"

"Oh, the Fiery Phoenix of the Words! Great be thy wisdom, power, and beauty! To sit upon thy throne in thy underground cavern! To squawk such music as to make the uncouth cry! To flourish thy wings like the angels of heaven! To…"

"And where is he?" Phinx muttered through gritted teeth, "Show us where he is."

"Alas, for I have no powers nor thunderbolts that shall reveal upon demand the dwellings of such great powers! To create visions to show the dwellings I cannot."

"…"

"…"

"Dancho?"

"Lend me thy ear, great Jug Ness Monster," Kuroro cried, "Lead us to thy great master! Let us feast upon this marvel."

"And upon his hide," Machi growled softly, generally a difficult thing to do, but pulled off admirably by our dear female warrior.

"Indeed, for thyself and thy belongings are not thine own so proper as to waste thyself upon thy virtues, they on thee. Heaven doth with us as we with torches do, not light them for themselves: for if our virtues did not go forth of us, 'twere all alike as if we had them not. Agree thee not, to such brilliant words?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Just take us there, Jug Ness Monster."

"As thee commands."

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"Traitor! That bloody, blasted, stupid traitor! He's leading Man to my hideout, and Woman as well. That stupid, stupid –ing! Damn that stupid, stupid –ing!"

The Fiery Phoenix of the Words flapped down the cavern, deeper and deeper into the darkness, muttering curses about stupid purple lizards. "I'll get it one day, I'm sure I will," he grumbled as he hopped awkwardly around a bend, "I'll kill that filthy traitor! But first…" he would have grinned, with his beak could be shaped into a smile, "I'm going to find something to eat."

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