A/N's are now at the bottom...
Canderous' bald question hung in the air as I looked around at my fellow Jedi. Bastila hung her head, Juhani looked off into space but Jolee met my stare bluntly. As I continued the locked stares with Jolee, I replied to Canderous.
"Why no, Canderous, no one, not one single Jedi said anything at all to me about Jedi hunting." First salvo fired and Jolee met it with one of his own.
"We didn't mention it because we don't know if the rumor is true or not. Hell, one rumor has you as the hunter, Revan. You hunting us now? I didn't think so, so why should we be spreading false information?"
"It wouldn't be the first time the Council gave me false information. Does the name Adrine Qaan strike any bells? How about the false history assigned to innocent little Adrine, aide to Jedi Bastila?"
"That wasn't my doing and you know it, girlie." Jolee's voice deepened as it became more forceful.
"No, Jolee, that wasn't your doing. This is. You, along with all those hypocrites in that room today, lied to me again."
"We didn't lie to you. We simply didn't tell you rumors and suppositions."
"It's still a lie, a lie by omission. I trusted you, Jolee. I trusted you to tell me the truth and have my back." I was so upset that I was amazed there weren't sparks of Force Lightening coming from my fingertips. I could feel the waves of rage pulsing through me. Perhaps I was overreacting. Jolee had a point, they were rumors, right? How could I trust the Council though? Perhaps there was substantiating information out there that they had. After all, the Council had known Revan was still alive when they spread the rumor that Bastila had killed Darth Revan.
"It's not a lie by omission to not share rumors. That's all this is, rumors. Malak just died a little over a month ago. There hasn't been time for a new group to take his place at the helm. The Sith are in shambles and disarray. They're too busy hunting each other to unite in a hunt of Jedi. You've seen the information we have about the Sith. To be honest with you, Revan, I expected better from you. I don't rightly appreciate you flying off the handle at me like I'm some whippersnapper that doesn't know a friend from an enemy." I only glared in response to his statements. Sure, I was acting like a petulant child but I'd been lied to basically everyday for almost a year. I had the identity I thought was mine ripped away from me in a rush with only a quick offhand sorry to go along with it. I still didn't have any information, other than what I remembered, of what life was like when I was the original Revan and then Darth Revan.
"Rumors sometimes hold more truth than what the Council tells its own Jedi. After all, rumors are all I have of what I was like before I woke up on the Endar Spire. The Council and the Jedi," I looked at Bastila here. She still was staring at the floor as if it were a krayt dragon getting ready to bite her head off. "have lied to me for my entire remembered existence."
"Hogwash, pure hogwash, and you know it."
"Oh, really, Jolee, you think so? I dare you to show me the goodwill of the Council and get me all the information that's been purged from the records regarding my life before." I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. I lifted one of my eyebrows as I made the dare. The rest of the group was looking back and forth between the two of us as if it were the final round of a high-stakes Pazaak game. We were throwing our cards back and forth rapidly and they could barely keep up with the action.
"You know better than that, girly. I'm an old man and I don't do anything I don't want to do. You wet-behind-the-ears youngsters can take all the dares you want, but I'm too old for this crap. Why, I remember when I was young. I took this dare from a Jedi by the name of Ezekiel. You wouldn't know him but…"
"No, I wouldn't know him. I don't even know myself." The last statement started in anger but it ended with resignation.
Luckily for both of our stubborn personalities, Carth chose this moment to arrive at the cantina.
"Hey guys, Jolee! Juhani! Bastila. It's so nice to see you all again. I didn't know you were going to be here." I may love the guy, but Carth can be completely clueless about people's moods. He clearly didn't sense the hostility radiating off of me. He also didn't see Jolee's confrontational stance. I would've thought the tension at the table was palpable even if you weren't a Jedi.
"We were a last minute addition." Juhani was always a diplomat. She was destined for a position on the Council. Jolee and I looked at each other and with a glance, agreed to drop the previous discussion until we were alone. Instead of continuing our acrimonious discussion, we joined in catching everyone up on the goings on from the past month.
As we all talked, it was like the separation hadn't happened. The discussions were lively and teasing abounded. Jolee told quite a few stories that I swear he made up on the spot, but they made all of us laugh. Bastila even joined in the teasing, which surprised me since she had never had a very good sense of humor.
The only topics that were avoided were the future and my history. No one talked about what we were all planning. No trips were mentioned, no living arrangements were discussed. I sat back and let the flow of conversation flow over me.
"Her face was classic. Do you remember it? Oh man, when she had to move those bloodworms off the Star Map in the Shadowlands, I've never had a better laugh. You'd think we'd asked her to gut a rancor single-handedly or something!" Jolee and Carth laugh intruded into my reverie as the table laughed at the shared memory of my humiliation.
"Hey! I'll have you remember the fact that I did gut a rancor single-handedly!"
"No, you got it to eat a grenade, totally different thing."
"Yeah, well, everyone has their weaknesses. I'm bug phobic, get over it! I remember when I asked you to cook, Carth. Let's not forget you, Jolee and the task of flying!" I couldn't help but laugh at the memories.
We were a loud boisterous group through the evening and into the dark hours of the night. The laughter got a little louder and the drinks flowed a little faster as we sat and laughed. It was almost as if we were finally decompressing from the stress of the previous yearlong journey.
The night eventually blurred. I don't really remember the conversations after a while. I had drunk more than my normal and was quite tipsy. Actually, to be blunt, I was drunk off my tail and needed help to walk as we all separated. I swayed desperately and found a stranger's arms supporting me. I smiled up at the man, probably quite stupidly, and was dragged away from him by Carth.
"Hiya, good looking, what's cooking?" I giggled, again probably quite stupidly. "Do you know that you're the handsomest-est pilot in the Republic or the Sith? There was this one pilot back on the Star Forge when Malak I first got it going and boy was he cute. But you, you're much more handsomer than him. Besides, he's dead now. The idiot tried to kiss me in front of a big room of people. Malak was not pleased, let me tell you." I didn't realize what I was saying. If I was sober, the words wouldn't have come out. Then again, if I was sober, the memory might not have come through either.
"Who killed him?" Carth's voice was disturbingly even, but I didn't realize it in my drunken stupor. I just giggled again.
"Oh, Malak did. Tortured him or something, who knows, I sure didn't want to know. He just disappeared and never came back. I got some girl pilot for my shuttle. She wasn't a very good pilot though. I think she got the lucky job cause Malak got lucky." I leered at Carth to emphasize my meaning and then giggled again.
"Did Malak kill all your interests?" That eerie voice that should not be coming from my moody pilot emerged from his mouth again.
"Don't know. Sometimes they disappeared and I didn't know where they went. After the pilot, I didn't get interested in anyone; didn't want to be losing valuable troops anymore." The conversation finally made its way into my foggy brain. "Hey, Carth, this is cool, I'm remembering more of my past! Isn't that good news?" I meant to twist my head slowly to the side and kiss his neck. Instead, my head went spinning backwards off Carth's shoulder and he had to catch me as I went tumbling to the ground. "My hero!"
Carth pulled me up and I overbalanced into his chest. With another giggle, I kissed the little bit of chest that was exposed. Carth was silent for the rest of the walk to the apartment he had secured for us. I kept chattering away about this and that, nothing memorable. We weren't approached by anyone, which should have surprised me. Instead, I concentrated on flirting outrageously, and quite drunkenly, with Carth.
"So, Carth me boy, what's the rank now? You move up to a captain now? Going to get your own ship and order a bunch of grunts around?"
"We'll talk in the morning. I really don't feel like talking right now." Carth sounded like he did on Taris when we first met. His voicewas pouty and, me being me, I couldn't resist teasing him.
"We back on Taris? Should I start insulting you so you'll talk to me? That always seemed to work."
"Revan, you don't need to know everything. It's not always about you! I have my own life, my own problems!" His anger started to eradicate my buzz. He was gesturing wildly with his hands.
"This is bigger than you getting a promotion, isn't it?" My voice was no longer light and flirtatious. I was still slurring words, but I was also using the Force as quickly as I could to sober myself.
"Give the girl a cookie, she wins the prize! Revan, every day with you, I learnsomething new and scary! I never know what's going on with you! I just… you know what; I don't want to get into this with you! I'm going to bed." Carth turned his back on me and started walking away. My brain raced through the past few minutes' worth of conversation as I tried to remember what happened to cause this wild mood swing.
"Carth, wait, let's get all this out in the open. What happened, what did I do?" I ran up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder. Before I could register his movement, he had grabbed that hand, twisted my arm and flipped me across the room. I just laid there on the floor in the remnants of the chair I had crash-landed against. My shoulder throbbed but I didn't register that either, as I looked at Carth.
Carth just stared at his hand, as if it wasn't really attached to him. His horrified gaze shifted from his hand to move around the room, conspicuously not looking at me, and then back to his hand. It was almost as if Carth expected whatever had just flung me across the room to come running into the room and take back their hand. The hand currently attached to his body couldn't possibly be his.
"I don't know if I deserved that or not, but the least you could do is explain what just happened." I stayed where I was. My body was shaking too hard to move. Adrenaline was pumping through my body, masking all the aches and pains I should treat before I crawl into bed. Of course, after what just happened, I didn't know what bed I was sleeping in, so crawling into one might be a bit difficult.
"I…I…I don't know. One minute I was…and the next you were…Oh frell. Where did that come from?" Carth dropped onto the sofa. His shoulders slumped forward and his head fell into his hands. "What just happened, Revan? I would never hurt you. I may get mad but I'd never hurt you. I didn't do anything when I found out you were really Revan, why would you asking me a question set me off like that? Hell, if you bugging me for answers was going to set me off like that, I would've thrown you around a million times over." Carth sounded like a lost five year old. I was hesitant to approach him after the recent outburst, but I pushed myself up and out of the remains of the chair, promptly getting abig chunk ofsynthetic wood in my hand. I crossed the room and sat on the couch next to him. I didn't try to touch him.
He twisted where he sat and threw his arms around me. We both clung tightly to each other. We didn't talk; I know I was too afraid of what would be said to think of trying.
"Let's go to bed, alright, Carth? We'll talk in the morning, just like you wanted. We'll hash all of this out after we get some sleep." Carth nodded against my shoulder and we headed into the bedroom. There was no friendly banter as we quickly got ready for bed.
We lay in bed with our backs facing each other, clearly trying to stay on our own sides of the bed. I know I was hugging the edge of the bed. I didn't want to set Carth off again. Although that wasn't the Carth that I knew out in the living room, I could see maybe where Dustil got his anger issues. Oh crap, I'd forgotten to tell Carth my good news about Dustil. I could hear Carth's deep rhythmic breathing and he was either doing a fantastic job faking sleep, or he was already asleep. No sense in waking him up and telling him now.
I didn't find it so easy to follow him into sleep. My mind kept replaying Carth's maneuver in the living room. I could feel the rage pouring off of him. He was moody, it's one of the things I love about him, but he wasn't volatile. Out in the living room was flat-out volatility. There had to be more at play here.
As I went over what could have caused his outburst, I finally fell asleep.
After the vote of confidence out in the common area and Carth's blatant threats against me, I nodded and sedately walked to the female's quarters. When the ship started filling up, the entire crew agreed to split up the ship's sleeping quarters into male and female rooms. I calmly shut the door and then locked it. I dropped onto the floor.
From my vantage point, I could see the individual personalities of the women onboard the Ebon Hawk. There were four disparate personalitiessharing the tight quarters.Three of the bunks had little characteristics that hinted at who slept where.
Juhani's bunk was neat to the point of being sparse or minimilist. She kept everything neatly folded inside her pack. Her bed was made so tightly that you could bounce a credchip off it, if you had an extra credchip and the timeto waste doing that. The only thing that was not packed away was a small pile of datapads Juhani was currently using for some research.
Bastila's bunk was neat also, but her area had some personal items neatly put away but still in plain view. Bastila had a mirror fastened to the railing of the bunk for her to secure her hair into that braided monstrosity she favored. Bastila would spend hours grooming herself. She'd take over the 'fresher for so long that the rest of the women had to use the men's 'fresher more times than we could count.
Mission's bunk reflected her young and spunky personality. Her bunk wasn't made and, now that I was reflecting on it, hadn't been made since she'd boarded the ship on Taris. There weren't many female accessories in her area, no make-up or lotions. Instead, there were pieces of the spare hyperdrive scattered on top of her sheets, oil and grease soaking into the bedding and clothes that were unfortunate enough to be underneath. Her clothes were austere to the point of being masculine. Her favorite pieces of clothing, her puffy vests, were thrown all over her corner. The only thing neat in Mission's bunk were her Pazaak cards and her tools.
My areadidn't have much.That was probably because I didn't have much. I had a couple of items I'd collected since I woke up on the Endar Spire. There was my lightsaber put neatly away. I also had the Jedi robes I was so very proud to receive hanging neatly off the support railing. I'd pulled the top blanket up over the sheets, but nothing was tucked. There weren't any datapads scattered, no pazaak cards ready to grab for a game.There weren't any girly accoutrements, I was lucky that I remember to brush my hair with my fingers every once in a while.
I realized, as I looked around that each bunk did reflect our personalities. Mine didn't show any personality. That lack should have been my first clue. There was nothing personal, nothing that screamed "me". I came to the painful realization that I was a shell that had been programmed by the Jedi Council to go out and do one thing, give up the secrets of Revan to Bastila through our bond. Those secrets had manifested themselves into the Star Maps.
Now, the shell was truly empty. I didn't feel anything. I would've thought I'd feel rage at being lied to, by the Council, Bastila or Malak. I would've thought there'd be sadness or depression. Maybe a touch of regret would be added in along with a large helping of guilt. After all, Darth Revan had killed countless sentients. Instead, I felt a void in my soul. I wondered, did I even have a soul? If you die and come back, does your original soul come back or do you get a new one? Maybe I was a simulation or a droid of Revan.
All during the search for the Star Maps, I'd allowed what I thought was my conscience to guide my actions. I thought it clearly knew right from wrong and didn't steer me towards the dark side. I'd let the Force guide me to my destiny. Instead, I realized that my previous experience along the same route was what had really guided me. My subconscious had steered me along, probably prompted by Bastila's poking aroundin my head.
My gaze drifted back to Bastila's bunk. She was on the top bunk over my lower bunk. There's a metaphor for you, she always thought she was morally superior to me. I thought to myself. Maybe she was morally superior to me, I couldn't think of why she would have sacrificed herself for me. She had to have sacrificed herself for Carth and the rest of the crew. It wouldn't have been for me, I was Darth Revan, after all.
The last statement kept echoing through my brain. I wasDarth Revan. I amDarth Revan. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to believe that Malak lied. A man who will slaughter entire planets wouldn't stop himself at a lie. He just didn't want me to find all the Star Maps and defeat him. He was jealous that we'd found the maps without turning to the dark side. He was doing anything but telling the truth. There couldn't be any truth in what he said.
I don't know how long I sat there trying to fool myself into not believing. Just as I started to discredit Malak's mocking announcement, something crept into my head to make me believe. I remembered the ease I'd grabbed the vibroblades that I supposedly wasn't experienced with. I remembered my awkwardness with blasters, something that any person traveling in the Outer Rim should be familiar with. I remembered convincing people and aliens on Taris to give up information or supplies to Carth and me. Even then, was I using the Force?
I remembered how easy it was for me to learn how to use the Force at the Enclave on Dantooine. It was easy because I already knew how to channel it. I had already received countless years of training. I'd already seen both sides of the Force, used both sides of the Force. There was little doubt as to why the Masters on Dantooine weren't shocked at my speed and ability. They were already familiar with my abilities and simply led me into exercises that re-familiarized me with the Force.
I don't know how long I sat there on the floor behind the locked door before someone sliced it and came in. Whoever it was stood in the doorway for awhile; I didn't move my gaze from the floor in front of me. I wasn't fit company for anyone to be around. I kept thinking go away, please go away
I kept my gaze steadily on the floor, even when a pair of Republic issue military boots materialized in front of me. Eventually, those boots were joined by the attached calves and knees as Carth crouched on the balls of his feet. When Carth's hand cupped my chin and lifted my face, I didn't resist. I was so numb that I didn't really care one way or the other. If he'd pressed a blade to my throat and ripped it open, I wouldn't have cared.
Carth's face wasserious when we made eye contact. The emptiness I felt must have reflected in my gaze. He rolled back onto the floor and crossed his legs in front of him, still holding my chin. We just sat there staring at each other. I don't know how much time passed before his thumb started rubbing painful circles over my cheek. The pad of his thumb was rough as it agonizingly pressed into my cheek.
"I'm sorry, beautiful. I can't let this continue." Carth twisted the hand that held my head and snapped my neck.
I woke up gasping for breath, feeling the snap of my bones breaking. I shook as I panted for breath. That wasn't what happened. Carth hadn't gotten violent, he definetely didn't snap my neck.
Instead, he'd just gotten really quiet for awhile. Then, we'd talked for what seemed like days as we hashed out how we were both feeling and reacting. By the time we landed on Tatooine, there was a tentative peace between the two of us. The friendship eventually rebuilt itself stronger than before and allowed for the evolution of the romantic attraction between the two of us.
I sat up and got out of bed. I needed a drink of water or something to take my mind off the flashback that turned into a nightmare. Carth was still sleeping as I made my way out into the living room.
"Statement: Does the Master require a meatbag blasted to help her sleep?" HK-47's voice caused me to jump as I crossed the room towards the small kitchen.
"No, HK, I don't need anyone blasted, but thank you. You can go back to sentry detail or whatever it was you were doing."
"Statement: I will stand guard and blast any miscreants attempting to enter the premises." I rolled my eyes as HK's voice got jubilant at the prospect of killing and maiming.
"HK, how about only blasting those that mean us harm? I'd hate for you to blast a friend, say, Mission?"
"Statement: The Master shows wisdom.
"Extrapolation: If I were to blast a meatbag friend of the Master's, the Master would be upset with me.
"Further Clarification: The Master would threaten to deactivate me."
"HK, I can promise you this, if you shoot one of my friends or anyone that could possibly be a friend, I wouldn't just threaten to deactivate you. I'd send pieces of you to every corner of the galaxy." I crossed my arms in front of me as I stared at my pet assassin droid.
"Statement: That sounds painful.I do not wish to be scattered across the galaxy.
"Placation: I will only shoot the meatbags that the Master approves."
"Thanks, HK, I appreciate that. I'd hate to dismantle you. Life just wouldn't be the same without you around." I patted him on the shoulder. A thought occurred to me. "HK, where were you earlier this evening?"
"Query: Could the Master be more explicit in the timeframe?"
"Yeah, when Carth and I arrived late this evening, where were you?" I had a nightmare flash of HK killing Carth because of the throw across the room. We hadn't sorted it out yet and I didn't want him killed before he could explain.
"Statement: Ah, Master, I was patrolling the balcony, as requested by the Master's personal meatbag slave." So HK hadn't seen Carth's rage. That was about the only bright spot of the whole night. If anyone was going to hurt Carth for hurling me across a room, it was going to be me.
"Right, ok then, thanks and carry on, HK. You're doing a great job." HK went back to his corner and stood scanning the room with his blaster rifle at the ready.
After downing the cup of water quickly, I went to the 'fresher. I finished my business and cleaned my hands. As I turned around, I had to swallow a startled yelp. My dead brother glowed an eerie blue in front of me.
FYI, I started a series of "Interludes" before, during and after KOTOR I and KOTOR II if you'd like to read them. They're my interpretations of what happened "behind the scenes" and are not meant to be a retelling of the games. They will probably be humorous, as this story is a wee bit angsty and sometimes I need a break from angst. Whether you like them or not, feel free to let me know.
Same goes for this story. The feedback helps me focus where I'm going with this, as I really don't have much of a plan of how to get where I want to go.