I blinked and the image didn't waver. Malak was still glowing in front of me, in the 'fresher. Every padawan hears stories about old masters appearing through the Force but I didn't expect it to happen in a 'fresher. Somehow, it just seems wrong that I'd get a visit in a 'fresher. At least he'd waited until I'd finished my business.
"Surprised to see me, Revan?"
"Uh, well, yeah, actually, I am surprised to see you. What brings you to my 'fresher?" Malak's ghost was in front of the door leading out and I really didn't want to walk through him to exit. Just the thought of it creeped me out. Malak responded to me by giving me a sardonic grin.
"You need to work on your memory issues, Revan." Malak leaned back against the door and folded his arms over his chest. His body might have changed in the afterlife, but his clothes hadn't. He still wore his cape and scary looking suit. I always thought when you became one with the Force; you got some nifty glowing Jedi robes or something. I glanced down at my ragged underwear. If what you died in is what you wore in the afterlife, I was going to look like a beggar for eternity. Maybe I should start listening to Mission and get some new clothes for both Carth and me. I didn't want to embarrass anyone in the afterlife and I really didn't want Carth wearing that horrid orange jacket for eternity.
"Revan, you worry about the strangest things." Malak's laugh interrupted my thoughts.
"Huh, what?" My dumb response made Malak's grin spread across his face. He had a beautiful smile. I wondered if he looked like either of our parents. I don't remember anything about them personally. I felt like a horrible daughter for not remembering the parents that loved me enough to give me up.
"I could be a cryptic apparition and tell you to travel to some random planet that will give you a clue to where you actually want to travel to, but I won't. What I will tell you is that you need to go to Deralia."
"I'm not going anywhere until I settle some things here."
"Ah yes, your pilot has some anger issues."
"I was thinking of his promotion, getting the crew settled and researching in the Jedi Archive for more of my history." I sat down on the counter that surrounded the sink. "You know, if you need to use the facilities, I can step out." Malak's laugh barked out of him.
"You always did make jokes at the most inopportune moments. I'm glad to see that you didn't forget that."
"Yeah, well, I guess a sense of humor is genetic or something because I sure don't remember cracking jokes before the whole capture thing."
"Revan, what makes you the person you are will not change. At the core of yourself, you are still you, whether you had been captured or not. You know this in your heart."
"Do I, Malak? Do I really? If I was a good person, how did I fall so far into the dark side?"
"When we started along our path, we started with the best of intentions in reaching our goal. Our goal never changed, just the way we went about achieving it. The Mandalorian threat had to be alleviated and we were the ones that saved the galaxy. Somehow, we went from saving the galaxy for the Republic to saving the galaxy from the Republic. The dark side is, perhaps, the path of least resistance. We followed the easier path to power. The allure of all that power is hard to resist. A Master once told us, 'ultimate power ultimately corrupts" and it was true for us." A knock on the 'fresher door sounded.
"Revan, you in there?"
"The true test of who you are at the core is coming up again. Head to Deralia and find your past and when you do, you'll find your future." With those cryptic words, Malak faded from view. Why do all Jedi use cryptic words and phrases? Why was everything a big mystery to them? Why couldn't they just say, here's the information you needed, good luck?
I opened the door to find Carth standing on the other side. We stared at each other awkwardly. The harmony that had existed between the two of us from the very beginning was missing.
"Hey, sorry, I thought I heard voices in there." Carth shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. His hands drifted from his sides into a shrug and then went back to his sides.
"I was talking to…myself." I didn't want to tell Carth that Malak was visiting me in the 'fresher, I figured that might be a little awkward. The one thing we didn't need more of was more awkwardness between us.
"Oh, ok." I hadn't seen Carth at a loss for words in quite a while. "So, uh, what do you want for breakfast?"
"I'm not very hungry. I think I'm going to skip it. I thought I'd meditate or something instead."
"Revan, you need to eat. You're too skinny as it is. See?" Carth reached out and pinched my stomach through one of the holes in my sleepwear, which just happened to be my underwear. My mind flashed back to my earlier contemplation of death and clothing. It brought a smile to my face.
"Carth, do you think, when we die, we get to pick what we wear in the afterlife? Or, do you think we get stuck wearing whatever we died in for eternity?"
"Huh? Where'd that come from?" Carth looked baffled. "Come on, I'll make you something." Hmm, he must be feeling absolutely horrible about last night if he was willing to brave the kitchen for me.
"I'm not hungry. If you want something, I'm sure HK will make it for you." HK moved out of the corner where he had stationed himself.
"Statement: Master, I am a highly trained droid with multiple skills, including assassination, language and protocol. Surely I do not deserve to be subjected to kitchen detail?" If a droid could whine, then HK sure was whining like the best of them.
"HK, placation:" I mocked, "don't think of it as cooking. Think of it as assassinating whatever components make up the breakfast you're going to prepare for Carth." Carth laughed as he moved into the kitchen to start his own breakfast. HK pushed Carth out of the kitchen and started cooking.
"So, you didn't answer my question. You think we get new clothes on the other side?" I sat on one of the bar stools that looked into the kitchen. I started twirling side to side on it.
"Revan, you worry about the strangest things." Carth sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee to stop me from spinning.
"You're not the first to tell me that. I'm sure you won't be the last. Come on, answer!"
"Ok, then, I guess I think we get to pick what we want to wear."
"Yeah, that's what I think too. I sure would hate to be stuck in this for the rest of my eternity. How would I hold my head up? I can imagine the teasing now, Darth Revan stuck in eternity in holey underwear." We both chuckled at the thought. My voice sobered. "That would be a sort of cosmic justice though."
"Revan, I never thought these words would come out of my mouth. So, hear me out and don't interrupt." Carth paused while I nodded. "Revan, I hated you and blamed you for years for Telos. That blame was misplaced. You didn't order the destruction of Telos, Malak did. You didn't bomb Telos, Saul Karath did. I'm sorry that I jumped on you, threatened you and didn't trust you.
"Last night, I was wrong. More than being wrong, I was seriously demented to have touched you that way. I honestly don't know what happened. One minute, we were arguing and the next, you were across the room." I looked pointedly from Carth to HK and back again. Carth got the point because he glossed over what happened. "You were so blasé about Malak's treatment of your boyfriends. It brought back that anger and also made me scared. I know it's irrational, but for a minute, I was scared.
"Nothing excuses what I did, though. I can't say anything to make you understand or tell you how sorry I am."
"Carth, the next time I end up across the room, you'd better have a really good reason or you'll end up zapped with something. You're not the first person to put me across a room, you won't be the last. We need to work on our trust issues." I put my hand over his where it rested on my knee.
"You mean I need to work on my trust issues." Carth's voice sounded sadly resigned.
"That's not what I said and it's not what I meant. I have trust issues too. We both just need to communicate more. Half the time, I don't say stuff to you because I'm afraid of how you'll react and maybe I'll lose you or something." Carth's hand flipped over and grabbed mine tightly.
"You won't lose me, beautiful, no matter what you tell me."
"So, if I tell you that I wasn't talking to myself in the 'fresher and instead, I was talking to Malak, you wouldn't freak out?" Carth's eyebrows winged up in surprise.
"You were talking to Malak? He's dead, there's no way to talk to him."
"He was a Jedi, Carth. Jedi can become one with the Force. It isn't just a rumor. Malak became one with the Force. He wanted to point me in the right direction to find my past."
"So, your dead brother and the former Overlord of the Sith met you in the 'fresher to tell you where to go to find your past?" Carth's tone was disbelieving.
"See, trust issues, we have trust issues."
"Uh, yeah, I see that. What else did he have to say?"
"That was about it. He told me to go to some planet and discover my past which would lead to me discovering my destiny and blah blah blah."
"Statement: I would be honored to accompany you on this mission. You will need protection from the resident meatbags there." HK flipped Carth's omelet onto a plate and laid it in front of him.
"HK, I'm not going anytime soon. I have things to finish here."
"Query: do those things include blasting meatbags?"
"Hopefully not, HK, sorry." I didn't think a droid could look crestfallen, but somehow, HK managed to convey that feeling.
"Statement: you made much use of my skills before our reunion." HK sounded depressed. "Query: Does the Master give permission for me to resume patrol?"
"Sure, HK, have fun. No killing unless I tell you to." HK glumly moved out of the kitchen and back to his corner. "So, Carth, what plans do you have for the day?"
"I have meetings at HQ for most of the day, you?"
"I'm going to raid the archives and see if I can weasel some information out of Jolee. He knows more than he's sharing." I also wanted to find out more on Deralia and its connection to me but I wasn't going to share that information yet. When dealing with the Council, I've quickly learned you need to keep your cards close to the chest.
"Alright, then, I'm going to use the 'fresher and head out." Carth escaped to the relative privacy of the 'fresher while I went out onto the balcony.
Coruscant pulsated with the Force. I could feel the ebb and flow of all that life energy. There were so many negative thoughts and feelings. Stronger than that, though, was the underlying feeling of hope. Coruscant, at its core, felt peaceful.
I sat down and let the Force flow through me. Meditation soothed me. Some people worked out problems or contemplated great mysteries. For me, on the other hand, the mind emptied and I just was. My meditation time was spent being. My daily life was a great mystery, so I didn't find the need to spend a little free time contemplating that even more. In the same vein, my life was a big problem that I was already focusing on solving. I just enjoyed the time to be.
My awareness through the Force spread out away from the apartment. It slid through the urban canyons of Coruscant, never stopping anywhere for too long. Canderous was in an apartment practicing katas as I slid through. Mission and Big Z were in the next apartment over playing Pazaak with Mission chattering away. A couple of Duros were arguing in a shop a few buildings over. A pair of lovers reunited at a landing platform. Carth worried along his trek to the fleet headquarters.
Eventually, I came back to myself and got ready to head to the Jedi Temple. I had just stepped out of the shower when my comm went off. I mentally rolled my eyes, what is with me getting visitors in the 'fresher? Canderous and I had a very short conversation that consisted of him telling me I was going to do one thing and me insisting on another. That conversation ended when I hung up on him.
Immediately after I ended the call, there was a knock on the door. I was still dripping from the shower so I had to scramble for something to put on. The knock came again, this time louder and longer.
After looking through at the camera feed, I threw the door open.
"What do you want?" I was dressed in a towel, my hair was hanging in a tangled mess over my eyes and I was still dripping.
"You're heading out in that?" Canderous' voice didn't have any inflection but I swear I saw him wiggle his eyes suggestively at me. He pushed past me and sat down on the sofa.
"I'm not going anywhere but the bedroom in this." I retorted.
"Is that an invitation?" Canderous only raised an eyebrow at me.
"HK, he tries to get into the bedroom, you are allowed to maim him." I instructed as I let out a frustrated groan. I regally turned and flounced towards the bedroom.
"Statement: It will give me great joy to maim this meatbag." HK pulled his blaster rifle to his shoulder.
"The dramatic exit would work better if your butt wasn't hanging out. It's a nice butt, by the way." I ran the rest of the way to the bedroom and slammed the door. I could hear Canderous' unique laughter echoing down the hall as I changed as quickly as possible. As I put on yet another set of ragged clothing, I made a mental note to invest in some new clothes, just in case Carth and I were wrong about the afterlife. Once I was dressed, I went back out to the living room.
"Nice, but I preferred your previous look." Canderous laughed again.
"Yeah, well, dream on, old man." Canderous only laughed harder. "Hey, seriously, though, I have a philosophical question for you." Canderous rolled his eyes at me and smirked.
"What makes you think I'd know anything about a philosophical question that you don't? You're the Jedi, not me."
"You've seen more, experienced more and done more than anyone I know other than me and I don't remember much of it. So, do you think, when we die, we get stuck in the same clothes we died in? Or, do you think we get to pick clothes on the other side?"
"I hope that when you die, I'll get to see you in your raggedy underwear for all of eternity." Canderous stood up and walked towards the door. "I don't know and I don't really care. I don't worry about the afterlife. The place to make your mark is here and now. People will not remember your clothes; they will only remember your deeds." He opened up the door and we walked down the hallway.
"What you're saying is that people won't remember me as me, but me as Darth Revan?"
"That isn't what I said. People will remember you as both Darth Revan and the great Jedi Revan, defeater of Malak. They will remember your conquests during the Mandalorian Wars. They will remember your battle prowess, your skill with a lightsaber and your destruction of the Star Forge. They will not remember that you wear Jedi Robes that have holes older than you. They won't remember that you don't comb your hair. With great deeds, history won't care that your one sock doesn't match the other." I lifted my robes a little and looked down at my feet. Sure enough, I had a white and a black sock on my feet. There's another metaphor for you, I thought to myself.
"Thanks, Canderous. You always know exactly what to say. You do have a philosophical streak, you Jedi you." I winked at the man walking beside me. He merely turned and growled at me.
"I'll remember that, Revan. Mandalorians have a long memory for insults."
"You're real good at making threats, Canderous. By the way, don't think I didn't notice that you conned your way into escorting me to the Temple when I didn't want you to."
"It took you long enough to notice."
"I noticed a long time ago, we were too busy discussing philosophy like a couple of Jedi." I couldn't resist needling him some more. Canderous always steadied me by making me focus on the nitty-gritty core reality of a situation. He hardly ever aggravated me, which is quite a feat. "Are you looking forward to working in the archives with me? If you're nice, I'll let you reshelf the materials after I'm done with them." I flashed a mischievous grin at him.
"I'm only escorting you to the Temple; I'm not going inside with you. A temple full of Jedi should be able to keep you safe."
"Well, they're no Canderous of Clan Ordo but I think they may be able to do the job."
"You just remember that." We'd reached the Temple. I felt the same sense of awe that I'd felt the day before. There was such a beautiful flow of the Force spreading out from the building. "This is where I leave you. When you're ready to head back, comm someone. You should not be without an escort. There is safety in numbers." Canderous walked off before I could respond.
Digging through the archives was like pulling teeth from a krayt dragon. I'm not a computer person. I'm more of a hack and slash person. I was beginning to wish I'd brought Mission along. She'd slide into the system and not leave any trace behind.
I didn't bring her along though. I was keeping everything about my research to myself. There was no way I was explaining my morning visit in the 'fresher. It was a little embarrassing, besides being really hard to explain.
I really regretted Mission's absence though. If I saw the words "access denied" or "invalid command" one more time, I was going to put my lightsaber through the viewscreen. After another fifteen minutes of frustration, I gave up. I was not a calm serene Jedi at this point. As far as I was concerned, computers were a tool of the dark side.
It was just my luck that, as I was contemplating ways to rid the galaxy of the scourge of computers, I ran into Master Vrook.
"Deep thoughts, Jedi Revan?" His tone was almost polite as he steadied me.
"Master Vrook, I apologize for my inattention." I bowed politely and started to walk away.
"Jedi Revan, may I have a few minutes of your time?" I grimaced but tried to hide it. I didn't succeed as Master Vrook's normally dour face broke into an imitation of a smile. "I promise not to torture you."
"Of course, Master Vrook." I followed him to his office. It was austere and sterile. There were no clues to the man that worked here.
"You are researching your past." I wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement.
"I thought you said no interrogations."
"Actually, Jedi Revan, I said no torture." Master Vrook's face cracked into a smile once more. I wondered if he had gotten into some Tarisian ale before this conversation. Was this the same Master Vrook that baited me at every meeting, accused me of despicable evils in the recent past all while scowling menacingly?
"Fine, I'm researching the past that no one seems willing to discuss with me."
"The Council owes you an apology for not helping you more along your journey. However, we, I, will not apologize for attempting to mislead you as to your previous identity. Darth Revan was a threat that had to be addressed. We did what we could to confront that issue."
"Point taken, Master Vrook, however, after learning about my resistance to the dark path multiple times, I should have been made aware of the past. Making me aware could have saved us quite a bit of time and trouble."
"When were we to have the time to tell you? Dantooine was bombed almost right after your departure. We were quite busy with preserving what little we had left. If you were truly on the light path, you would remember that, instead of hurling selfish accusations." There was the Master Vrook I knew and disliked. The nice voice we started the interview with had been replaced by his icy tone.
"Master Vrook, why do you dislike me so much?" Vrook's face showed amazement. Whether it was amazement at the baldness of the question or the question itself, I wasn't sure.
"I do not dislike you. However did you get that impression?"
"You are, to be blunt, antagonistic, condescending, demeaning and accusatory towards me. All those signs point to you disliking me. Otherwise, if this is how you treat people you like, I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies. Perhaps the Sith could learn a thing or two from you." I expected Vrook to start hurling past deeds at me as justification for his actions.
"Revan, I meant to challenge you, not antagonize you. Perhaps the issues between us originate with me. I care too much about your success or failure." I noticed that Master Vrook didn't use my title.
"Forgive me if I find that hard to believe."
"It is true, Revan. Take this." Master Vrook tossed a datapad at my head. I caught it reflexively. "This will have all the information that the archives possess relating to you and your history. You need not worry about hurting our computers any longer."
"I wasn't actually going to do anything that I threatened. Thank you, though."
"Jedi Revan, we all do care about you. The Council must contemplate more than one person's future. We are responsible for the lives and futures of billions. We must look at the larger issues and the ramifications of larger actions."
"Perhaps the Council spends too much looking at the big picture. Had you focused on one person's future, Darth Revan would not have slaughtered billions. One grain of sand, one person, sends ripples throughout the Force. Perhaps focusing on the people instead of the planet or the galaxy would solve problems before they became big issues.
"You disapprove of my relationship with Carth." Master Vrook made to interrupt but I held up a hand to ward off whatever he was going to say. "You disapprove of Carth, but I have learned many things from him and the rest of my crew. One thing I learned from him is that a little bit of preventive maintenance keeps a small issue from becoming a larger issue. If you tighten that loose screw on your hyperdrive, you won't risk blowing it out later and floating like a mynock in space."
"Well put, Jedi Revan, there is great wisdom in what you say." I decided, while the caustic master was being so friendly to advance my question of the day to him.
"Speaking of wisdom, Master Vrook, may I pose a question that has been worrying me?"
"Of course, I will attempt to answer as well as I may."
"When someone dies, does that person get to pick their clothes for the afterlife or do you wear what you die in?" Master Vrook coughed that I suspected was actually a laugh. I wasn't sure though, since I sincerely doubted that Vrook knew how to laugh.
"I believe that you get to pick. I have been visited by many of my compatriots that are one with the Force and they were not in the clothes they passed in." Master Vrook templed his hands under his chin as he reclined back in the chair. "Does that answer your question?"
"Um, yeah, it does, thanks. You know, when you're not baiting me, you're not that bad of a guy." Master Vrook actually laughed. I guess he did know how to laugh.
"Revan, when you're not being stubborn, you are a breath of fresh air." It was my turn to laugh. We were starting to establish a peace between us.
"If you promise to take that board off your back, I'd be willing to talk more with you." Was that me that just said that? I really didn't like Master Vrook, so why was I volunteering to spend time in his presence? The shock on my face clearly conveyed itself to him.
"I will look forward to that. Perhaps, in the future, you will not view talking with me as an interrogation or torture session." Master Vrook stood up and I followed suit.
After I made my way out of his office, after shaking the acerbic master's hand, much to my dismay, I looked up Juhani's room number. I was relieved that she answered the door.
"You look upset, Revan." Blunt and to the point, that's what I love about Juhani.
"Yeah, it's turned into a rough day. Master Vrook was nice to me and I ended up volunteering to talk to him in the future. I think that man used a Jedi Mind Trick on me or something." Juhani laughed at me. "Hey, you wanna spar?" Juhani was my favorite sparring partner. She combined all the best qualities of the rest of the crew. She was fiendishly clever like Mission, experienced like Carth, strong with a military background like Canderous and used her Jedi powers with more experience than Bastila. Most people saw a slender female Jedi but her Cathari body was deceptive. Not only she was strong, she was extremely flexible. I've seen her bend her body into positions that bodies really weren't meant to achieve. All of these qualities added to her intelligence and martial culture and you got one of the toughest opponents available.
"Let me check my schedule." Juhani smiled at me as she pulled up her schedule. After checking her lightsaber and gestured me towards the door. "I have some time until I must teach a class."
"What are you teaching?" We walked to the sparring room. It was relatively free of other groups.
"Beginning lightsaber forms, if you're free, you could join us."
"I'm sure that'll be entertaining, it'll bring back fond memories of training on Dantooine."
Juhani and I bowed to each other and launched our attacks. Just like when I meditated, I lost myself in the rhythm of battle. Time flew as we challenged each other. I could feel her movements though the Force. Everything pulsed in colorful shades of the Force.
By the time the pre-set alarm sounded, letting us know our time had arrived, Juhani and I were drenched in sweat. Our clothes clung to us and we were both panting loudly. The fight ended in a draw.
"You almost defeated me. Canderous has taught you some very sneaky moves I must remember." Juhani and I talked as we walked to her quarters. After I showered, I realized that I didn't have anything else to wear. Juhani kindly lent me one of her robes. It was nicer than mine but way too long.
"I feel like a Jawa."
"You look like one. You'd do an even better impression if you'd speak in their language like you did on Tantooine."
"Don't tempt me." We giggled at the thought. I watched Juhani's class of padawans. Some of them were quite talented while others would never be great. She didn't introduce me as I sat in the back of the room. Still, I heard the whispers and I caught the stares. Juhani must have noticed their inattention also.
"Since you are all more interested in our observer, perhaps she would be kind enough to show you her practice katas." I grinned as I made my way to the front of the room. I went through one of my more complicated katas. The students clapped as I bowed to them at the end.
"Thank you, honored Jedi Knight. Class dismissed." There was one student that hung behind the rest. Juhani beckoned him forward. He looked familiar with a lock of sandy hair that kept falling over his forehead.
"Jedi, may I introduce Padawan Dustil Onasi?"
"We've met. It is a pleasure to see you again, Dustil. How have you been?" I reached my hand out to shake his when he ignited his lightsaber and swung at my neck.
Please review, if you'd be so kind. I'm kinda wondering if I should continue this or not since I don't know how many of you all are actually reading this and/or liking it without getting some reviews.