Hi people! I know this is kind of quick, but a new chapter is up, for inspiration has been flowing like wine during Christmas lately. This chapter is extra long to make up for the previous pathetically short chapter. Anyway, the end is drawing near, and will come in either the next chapter or the chapter after the next. That is, if inspiration doesn't strike again. Anyway, do read and enjoy, and if you have some time, do review!
Thanks goes to shadow – wind auror for constantly reviewing my story. By the way, I am feeling much better already, so thank you for your well wishes.
Hunter X Hunter and Shakespeare does not belong to me. There are references to Heart of Darkness and Lord of the Rings in here, and neither texts belong to me either.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
It was by this time night, and the hot humid weather had turned cold. Around the fire the Kumo sat, Macbeth sitting on a crushed rock, and Hamlet blowing bubbles in a nearby puddle because they refused to let him continue doing so in the lake.
"I wish you hadn't lit the fire with your super power, Feitan," Ubogin commented, "the ground feels like charcoal now, and my butt is black from sitting on it."
"And that is my fault because?" Feitan sneered, "No one thought to bring matches."
"Yeah, because no one thought that we would be spending the night out here," Phinx sighed, "Dancho should have thought of it."
"Why is everything my fault?" Kuroro demanded, pouting in a highly aristocratic manner. "At that time, Shalnark was the official genius, and I was the official totally OC character."
"Yeah… come to think of it, Shalnark probably has the matches then."
"I miss Shalnark." Everyone turned to stare at Shizuku. "I do," she insisted, "And my vacuum cleaner misses him too. He is always nice to us."
"And we aren't nice to you?"
"Oh no, it's just that he would usually talk to me, so I have some chance to speak. It's because he isn't around now that I've been so dull and bland in this fic, which I feel is really unfair. Oh… and he would offer me a jacket during this time of the day, because he knows I'll be cold."
There was a long silence then Phinx slowly undid his sports jacket and handed it to her. "I take it that it was a hint."
"Oh yes," Shizuku said solemnly as she put the jacket on, "Definitely." She raised her hand and waved. Hesitantly, Phinx waved back. She smiled then closed her eyes and fell asleep.
"Is it just me," Phinx mumbled, "Or is Shizuku starting to act a little like Hisoka."
There was a general shudder amongst the Genei Ryodan at that thought. Hamlet found it difficult to shudder while blowing bubbles, and thus compromised by blowing more bubbles instead.
"When dawn breaks tomorrow," Kuroro said, gesturing the Genei Ryodan members who were still awake to lean together, "we will go out and hunt for the Jug Ness Monster. This time, instead of dividing the map here and here, we'll divide it here and here and here and here, then we'll go solo to hunt that thing down. We can keep in contact this time, via Machi's nen thread."
"Yes!" Machi cheered quietly, "No more Hisoka! Woo-hoo! I love you, Dancho, I really, really love you."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"That was not a declaration of love, Dancho."
"Oh, really?" Briefly, Kuroro wondered if it would be OC or even fatal to waggle his eyebrows suggestively.
"Really. So Phinx, Ubo, stop humming the Wedding March, and someone pull Hamlet out before he drowns. As for you, Macbeth, you can shut up with the condolences to Dancho."
"Ok, if you say so."
"Right. We all know the truth"
"Oh yeah."
Machi bristled. "One more word about this, or one more sentence that holds a tone of disbelief or suggestiveness and I will go full PMS, and no one, not even Dancho can stop me."
Standing there smiling, she thoroughly enjoyed the sight of Macbeth throwing himself into the middle of the ring to beg everyone to keep their mouths shut.
"Anyway," Dancho muttered, once the chaos had died down, "tomorrow, we'll go Jug Ness hunting, so everybody get some rest."
"But we can save you a lot of trouble." Everyone started and looked around.
Suddenly, from the depths of the jungle, a screechy, hissing voice sounded. "Wouldn't you like us to save you a lot of trouble, precious?"
The Genei Ryodan members leapt to their feet, all of them radiating nen, fatigued but ready to meet the new threat. Macbeth fluttered behind a tree, and stayed there, yelling cheers for the Kumo. The tension was great, and Hamlet even went so far as to draw his head out of the water.
"What's the matter, precious? Are you afraid of us, precious? We only want to help, precious."
"Show yourself," Phinx shouted.
"We're waiting for your answer first, precious."
"Come out and we'll give it to you," Feitan drawled, his sword drawn and pointing in the direction of the voice.
"Very well, precious. We shall come out into the light."
And Shalnark walked into the light of the campfire. "Hi, people!" he intoned cheerily, "how's everybody doing."
"Shalnark!" Ubogin exploded, "What was that for? What's with the precious business?"
"Huh?" Shalnark tilted his head adorably, "Oh… I just thought it would be nice to show all of you how dear the Kumo is to me, so I thought I would address all of you by 'precious'. I mean, I didn't exactly give all of you a good impression of me by running off into the forest all by myself."
"Right." Kuroro rubbed the bridge of his nose, and solemnly reminded himself that at that moment, he was the official nerd, not Shalnark, which explained for the sudden lost in mental clarity for the computer genius. "Where have you been, Shalnark? We all thought you turned traitor on us."
"Me?" Shalnark laughed, "Of course not. I was merely hurt by the way all of you treated me like I was worth nothing, and thus ran away to cry, vent and make voodoo dolls of all of you to torture. However, I've gotten much, much better, so I came back to help." His face turned frighteningly dark. "That is, if, you apologize, precious."
"For what?" Phinx snarled, "We've already got an official nerd, Dancho, so we don't need you."
"Oh really?" Shalnark smiled, "Did Dancho think of bringing the matches?"
"Hey, hey! At that moment, you were the…"
"Did Dancho manage to locate the Jug Ness Monster initially?"
"Hey! Why is everything my…"
"Did Dancho draw the link between Hamlet and Macbeth the moment he saw the feather?"
"I drew it later! And anyway, Hisoka was there to draw the link."
"Did Dancho manage to capture the Jug Ness Monster after all this?"
"Fine! Let everything be my fault! I am going off to a corner to sulk and be angry! Did everyone hear that? Did everyone?"
"Did Dancho offer his jacket to Shizuku?" Shalnark pressed on, ignoring Kuroro.
"Shalnark," Shizuku piped up, waddling forward adorably, "I missed you. Welcome back."
"Fine, be that way, Shizuku, and I'll brand you a traitor."
"Shalnark!" Machi gasped, practically tunnelling right into him, "I'm glad you're back."
"Fine, the ladies are all traitors! All traitors!"
"Thank you, ladies," Shalnark said suavely, "and now for my trump card, the rest of you ingrates! Did Dancho manage to summon this?"
Shizuku leapt back along with Machi, as the earth began to move. It trembled and shuddered, and then the entire surface seemed to towards them, much like a landslide on horizontal ground. There was a roar, like a primal monster rising from the depths of the earth to reclaim it's place on the surface. Lightning flashed and thunder roared as Shalnark threw back his head and laughed maniacally.
"I'll be damned…" Feitan muttered.
"Shalnark has summoned…"
"The lumps of dirt?" All of them gaped at the miscellaneously shaped lumps of dirt jumping around enthusiastically at Shalnark's feet.
"Exactly! Named scientifically by me, of course, I being the first one to discover and take the effort to name them, as shalnarkian dirtinus."
"You want us to apologize to you because you got the lumps of dirt to listen to you?" Ubogin roared.
"Think about it!" Shalnark cried, "Think about all the dirt you see lying around. Think about all the trouble we had to go through to search this entire map, and yet not find anything!"
"Oh, I'm thinking about it," Machi muttered.
"But with this lumps of dirt, this lumps of dirt that can go into virtually every crack under the Jug Lake, in the Jug Lake and over the Jug Lake, this millions upon millions of lumps of dirt… why, we've locate the Jug Ness Monster in a matter of seconds! How do you guys think I know about what happened to all of you today?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Shalnark," Kuroro said gallantly, "As a gentleman, I am able to lay down my pride and apologize to you."
"We all do what Dancho do," Phinx put in hurriedly, and smiled sheepishly when Kuroro glared at him.
"Buddy!" Ubogin roared, and thundered forward to deliver a crushing hug and a kiss to the boy.
"Ok… ok… that's enough of your love, Ubo," Shalnark panted, trying to struggle free from the hug which had pretty much the same effect as a corset.
"So, are we forgiven?" Feitan demanded once Ubo let go of Shalnark.
"Hmm…" Shalnark mused aloud, "Ok. You're forgiven." Then for the sake of being in character, he flashed a charming smile and gave the Victory sign.
"Great one halt, and hear my voice."
"Hmm?" Shalnark turned around and observed a very shaky and wet Hamlet wobbling towards him.
"What gift didst thou hath, that allowed thee to sway the Kumo?"
"Hmm?"
"Upon dirt, we both asked them to gaze! To create mental motion, we both beseeched of them! Yet, only one prevailed! Only thou prevailed! What reason could that be?"
Shalnark petted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "It's ok, Hamlet, not everybody has the brain of a genius." A pause. "And of course, I didn't speak in Shakespeare."
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
It was thus, the dawn came to see the strange sight of nine people and one parrot squeezed haphazardly into a speed boat as it sped down the Jug Lake. How the Genei Ryodan found a high-tech speed boat in the middle of nowhere is up to the reader's imagination.
At the wheel stood Kuroro, and by his side, sat Shalnark, who leaned constantly towards the water to hear the instructions of his dirtinus.
"Left! Dancho! Left!" he yelled.
"Ok!" Kuroro eyed the narrow inlet. He turned at the exact split-second, and without slowing down, the boat leapt into the inlet with an appropriately dramatic splash of foam and waves.
"Oh, my spinning head," Macbeth mumbled, staggering and swaying miserably on Phinx's shoulder, having taken a liking to it since it was broader, and the owner did not have any tendency to smile and flash poker cards in front of his beak.
"No one cares about your spinning head," Feitan snapped, holding on to a railing for dear life. He had no fear of being thrown off the boat, but the position he was in ensured that if he slipped and fell to the left, he would end up with a face full of Hisoka. Also, while Feitan generally liked speed, he always preferred it when it was his feet that were doing the speeding.
Phinx and Machi were copying Feitan's act of clinging to the railing, only they were on the other side of the boat. Their reasons for doing so varied. For Machi, it was the same as with Feitan. For Phinx, the reason was a fear of crashing into Machi.
"This is fun," Shizuku said conversationally to her vacuum cleaner, "don't you think so, Hamlet?" A barfing sound answered her and she shook her head. "He does like to hang his head over the railing," she commented, "like Ubogin is doing over there."
"Ubo! Hamlet! Stop barfing on my dirtinus!"
"If I could…" Ubo mumbled miserably.
"Right, Dancho! Right!" Shalnark yelped suddenly as the millions of dirtinus beneath them swung into an even narrower inlet suddenly.
The boat's passengers gave a collective moan as Kuroro turned a sharp right. "This is fun," Kuroro commented casually to Shalnark, "without the burdens that come with being the nerdy one, I get to be free! And… riding this speed boat over the waves most certainly give a feeling of freedom. Of course, the fact that as Dancho, I get to order everyone around definitely gives me a sense of superiority and…"
"Slow down, Dancho! The lake's shallower ahead, and there are huge sharp rocks jutting out!"
"Ok. You know, you could at least have commented on my statement, Shalnark."
"Yes, Dancho. Eh… you're free. Left! Left! There's an iceberg shaped rock ahead!"
"Ah…" Kuroro spun the wheel hurriedly. Everyone tumbled screamingly into each other as the speedboat swerved to the left.
"Stop it! Stop it!" Machi shrieked, trying to get out from under Hisoka.
"My, my," Hisoka purred, happily squashed into Machi by Feitan.
"Oh hell…" Phinx muttered as he landed millimetres from Hisoka's foot, where a card was slowly making its way out of his heels.
"Most blasted speed," Hamlet moaned from under Phinx.
"Right, Master," Macbeth agreed, choosing to land on Kuroro's shoulder to avoid the squeeze at the back.
"Oh no," Shizuku mumbled, sitting on top of Ubogin, and thus the top of the heap, "what a mess. I would really love to do a little cleaning up."
Eventually the boat righted itself, and everyone scrambled up (everyone that is, but Hisoka, who slowly, slowly, slowly got up.)
"My, my," he commented again, and looked at his chest, which had been transformed into an overcrowded pin cushion. Machi sat up, her hands filled with needles, and her eyes burning with hatred as old as time.
"I will murder you!" she screamed, causing Shalnark to tumble into the water.
"Machi! The cell!" Kuroro warned again.
"Who cares about the cell?" she shrieked, "I just got a face full of Hisoka already!"
"Machi!" Kuroro warned again.
"Machi, Machi, how adorable you look with your face all puffed up like that," Hisoka purred happily, "Pin me again. I love it when you pin me like this."
"…"
"... Oh my gosh."
"… He did not just say that."
"She's going to kill all of us now."
Much to their amazement, instead of trying to murder the entire boatful of men, Machi merely spun around and sat next to Shizuku, her needles still clutched in her hands. "The horror… the horror…" she mumbled, gazing into the darkness.
"I know," Shizuku answered, "I've got some face wipes in my vacuum cleaner and disinfectant. Come, let's get you clean."
The remaining members of the Genei Ryodan gaped in amazement as Shizuku led an eerily calm Machi off to a corner and they sat down together to clean up the poor girl's face.
"I don't believe this," Feitan mumbled.
"I mean, they are women… but they don't… don't do girl stuff like this… I mean… ok… they do… I mean… but they don't… can't…"
"Impossible it is," Hamlet muttered, "to see thy Fiery Lady sitting in a friend's house, speaking of teenage crushes and upon their nails, paint the ill-colour of pink."
"Yeah… that's what I meant. They don't sit in a corner and braid each other's hair."
"Or do make-up together."
"Or clean their faces together…"
"It's just wrong. It's not them."
"Yeah…"
"Don't be mean." They all gaped again as Shizuku stood up, her hands on her hips and a pout on her face. "Machi's is suffering from mood swings all because you horrible men don't understand what she's going through. How could all of you bully her? She's a woman, even if she doesn't act like one, so don't you men go pushing her around with your male-chauvinistic air of oblivion."
Instinct kicked in and the men squirmed uncomfortably, staring at their toes and twiddling their fingers. Even Kuroro managed to twiddle his fingers as he sped the boat along at two hundred miles per hour. Macbeth settled for twiddling his talons.
"Greatest apologies we pile on thee, most Fiery Lady," Hamlet began suddenly, drawing his back straight, "Of the thoughts of the fairer, but by no means, lesser sex, poor Man, alas, has little knowledge. It is Ignorance, Oblivion, and alas, Stupidity that has led forth the hurt we put onto thee, most beloved Lady. Alas! Can forgiveness not be granted? Rein in thy needles and deal no more damage. Thy anger, thy hurt, and thy needles which piercedth my heart to the very core, is punishment enough." Dropping to his knees, he gave a wonderful sweeping bow before the distraught woman.
"It wouldn't work," Phinx bet.
"Nope, it wouldn't," Feitan agreed, and thus the bet was off.
Machi grunted, wiping her face obsessively. "Ok," she granted, "you are forgiven." All the jaws attached to the males dropped, and even Macbeth's beak hung open for a good five seconds.
"You see?" Shizuku cut in before any of the men could speak. "You just have to be a little nice to us and we'll be nice to you. Who ever said women are hard to please?"
The men looked down again and twiddled their fingers even more. Some, like Phinx and Kuroro even went so far as to twiddle their toes, Kuroro stopping the boat to do so.
"Hey, forget all that, ok," Machi growled suddenly, "I just lost my mind when Hisoka crashed into me, ok? Forget that sign of weakness immediately."
Immediately, for their own sake, all the men took to erasing the recent minutes from their mind diligently.
"All forgotten," Feitan announced.
"Huh? Forgotten what?"
"Who? What? Forgotten what?"
"Oh… nothing. Must be my imagination."
"Good," Machi growled, making sure she settled as far as possible from Hisoka.
"Oh my gosh."
Everyone turned to stare at Kuroro, who was staring in the rear mirror. "What, Dancho?" Ubogin demanded.
"Kumo, look." Kuroro gestured behind and everyone turned to look.
At that moment, the sun suddenly erupted from the clouds and the rays of light were visible as they filtered between the leaves to hit the water. On it, Shalnark walked, as the water glittered and shone in the white light of the sun. For a moment, it seemed that he was set alight with some white fire then he reached the boat and climbed in.
"Shalnark…" Phinx gasped, "You… you…"
"I had faith," Shalnark replied then "So convenient isn't it. It's impossible to drown with millions of shalnarkian dirtinus around the boat, forming a solid platform to walk on." On cue, the white light vanished and slid behind the trees to wait for their next cameo.
There was a long silence as the Kumo and their new friends stared at him. Then there was a pause in the journey as they each took turns to walk on the lumps of dirt that now floated around the boat.
Suddenly, the shalnarkian dirtinus starting squeaking loudly and Shalnark leapt forward to listen. "Some are complaining about Feitan's weight…" he began.
"Oh… that must be this," from the depths of his clothes, Feitan pulled out a spiked ball attached to a chain, "and this…" a rack was pulled out, "and this…" followed by a full set of the Chinese Water Torture Device (v.20), "and this…" an almost completed set of Hanzou's Encyclopaedia on How to Torture Little Boys Dressed In Green Who Have the Support of All the Audience (v.12) was dragged out unceremoniously.
"Right," Shalnark mumbled then continued, "but more importantly, it seems like the Jug Ness Monster is heading straight for the village!"
"My plan has worked!" Hamlet cried delightedly then shrunk down again as eighteen eyes glared at him.
"Then there is no time to waste," Kuroro said, drawing himself up like some gallant knight of old, and conveniently ignoring Hamlet's existence, "come! Forward we shall go! With great speed! Yes, great speed!"
"Dancho! Watch out for that log which isn't a log but an animal pretending to be a log!"
"Oh… alright."
Thus, the speedboat sped forward towards the village, with the passengers screaming and wailing on it.